Struggle to feel accepted

My mum had this experience at an over-sixties group she started going to after my dad died.
She's very chatty and outgoing (unlike me), and even in her late eighties, she still makes new friends quite easily, but she said that group was so cliquish that she had trouble even finding anywhere to sit - all the empty seats were being 'saved' for people who had not yet arrived. The welcome could not have been less warm.

She persisted for a while, but it never really improved.

Luckily, she found other groups that were much more welcoming.

It is not you and it is quite a common thing when someone new joins an established group. I experienced it a few years back with a poetry reading group. I nearly left because of it but kept going because I was interested in the actual poems. After about 18 months ( yes, it took that long) I got the feeling I was accepted and things got better. When new ones joined in after that I made sure to talk to them because it is really unpleasant to feel sidelined and ignored. If you like the group in general, keep going and maybe hone in on someone who is less unfriendly and just have a bit of chit chat with them.

Not you. As everyone else has said, it's common - very sadly.

I tried for a week or two going to a group that had just been specifically set up so that people with mental health difficulties and people without, could get to know and provide friendship and companionship for each other - and it was torture.

Most of the people there knew one another from either Mental Health groups or the small village community, and I sat feeling like a leper despite smiling like the Cheshire Cat and saying inane stuff like "isn't it lovely outside?"

I'd get a smile and a hello in passing, ok, but then it was as though I was invisible. I have a wry smile when I read agony aunt columns and people are always being advised to make new friends through joining a group. Hah! Fat chance!

It's not you Katerina that is doing anything wrong. Some groups attract a particular type of person and if there are several people who are not very friendly or frankly not very nice then in my experience any new person is excluded from the clique. It's not you, it's them so my advice would be to join another group that interests you where you will hopefully find the dynamic is totally different. I have made a few lovely friends at an Art group, they were warm and welcoming from the very start. It's just a case of finding the right one.

I have just left a club I belonged to for over20 years.Only one person has phoned to ask if I'm alright.I enjoyed the activity but at coffee time the main group always managed to dominate the chat by talking about things and people I didn't know.Even after all that time most knew nothing about me and the only time I was of any interest was when my son's spectacular wedding featured in a local paper.

I think if you really enjoy the activity then try persevering for another six months or so as, in my experience, it can take quite a while for people to accept someone new into an established group. It also might be easier if someone else new starts which is likely to happen at some point.

I find it easier to take a friend along to these things - as I know I'm not a 'natural' at joining in with a crowd. I find everyday chit-chat difficult and have always felt different - although I was an excellent teacher. I'm a bit too serious and think differently to most - or so I've been told - so people don't easily warm to me. Perhaps I overthink things too and I'm more comfortable talking to just one or two people. Still, I don't really care too much what the crowd think of me (that's their problem) so if I enjoy an activity, I'll keep going!

Katrina I can totally understand I joined an art group and thoroughly enjoyed it but everyone knew each other all the obvious in jokes, they even moved tables / chairs around so they were together and I was left on the end they obviously had a social life outside the group It became uncomfortable and I left after a term
There’s another group a very large group I belong to and there have been breakaway smaller groups who are all trying to be the leader of the band and so a smaller group gets pulled away from the main group they set up face book groups or whatsap groups which others aren’t invited to join it all gets so divisive and quite unpleasant but I think it’s how it often is with groups

It’s not your fault, it’s often how groups seem to turn into

If you enjoy the subject just grow a thick skin and carry on or see if there’s another one you could try I think it’s easier to enjoy and get involved in a new or small group

Good luck

It depends on how you enjoy what you do there and if you can get on with what you are doing . If you can stick it out and enjoy the time doing what you went there for.
I joined a mixed walking club some years ago I was the youngest there. It also involved car share to and from certain walks. I couldn't walk with people who were rather rude so I stopped going. In my younger days I would have been stubborn and stuck it out at the time I couldn't be bothered.

I dont think you are doing anything wrong, the circle seems to be closed for accepting new members

What a shame. How long have you been going?

I think it's hard to break into a long standing arrangement with others. But I have to say according to your description they do sound a bit insular.

If you still like the activity, perhaps you could become a bit more thick skinned and stick it out for a while longer, with the intention of trying again with the friendly conversation?

Then reassess the situation.

To be honest, I think they are being a bit rude not to try to make you feel a bit more welcomed.