Struggle to feel accepted

What a shame. How long have you been going?

I think it's hard to break into a long standing arrangement with others. But I have to say according to your description they do sound a bit insular.

If you still like the activity, perhaps you could become a bit more thick skinned and stick it out for a while longer, with the intention of trying again with the friendly conversation?

Then reassess the situation.

To be honest, I think they are being a bit rude not to try to make you feel a bit more welcomed.

I dont think you are doing anything wrong, the circle seems to be closed for accepting new members

It depends on how you enjoy what you do there and if you can get on with what you are doing . If you can stick it out and enjoy the time doing what you went there for.
I joined a mixed walking club some years ago I was the youngest there. It also involved car share to and from certain walks. I couldn't walk with people who were rather rude so I stopped going. In my younger days I would have been stubborn and stuck it out at the time I couldn't be bothered.

Katrina I can totally understand I joined an art group and thoroughly enjoyed it but everyone knew each other all the obvious in jokes, they even moved tables / chairs around so they were together and I was left on the end they obviously had a social life outside the group It became uncomfortable and I left after a term
There’s another group a very large group I belong to and there have been breakaway smaller groups who are all trying to be the leader of the band and so a smaller group gets pulled away from the main group they set up face book groups or whatsap groups which others aren’t invited to join it all gets so divisive and quite unpleasant but I think it’s how it often is with groups

It’s not your fault, it’s often how groups seem to turn into

If you enjoy the subject just grow a thick skin and carry on or see if there’s another one you could try I think it’s easier to enjoy and get involved in a new or small group

Good luck

I find it easier to take a friend along to these things - as I know I'm not a 'natural' at joining in with a crowd. I find everyday chit-chat difficult and have always felt different - although I was an excellent teacher. I'm a bit too serious and think differently to most - or so I've been told - so people don't easily warm to me. Perhaps I overthink things too and I'm more comfortable talking to just one or two people. Still, I don't really care too much what the crowd think of me (that's their problem) so if I enjoy an activity, I'll keep going!

I think if you really enjoy the activity then try persevering for another six months or so as, in my experience, it can take quite a while for people to accept someone new into an established group. It also might be easier if someone else new starts which is likely to happen at some point.

I have just left a club I belonged to for over20 years.Only one person has phoned to ask if I'm alright.I enjoyed the activity but at coffee time the main group always managed to dominate the chat by talking about things and people I didn't know.Even after all that time most knew nothing about me and the only time I was of any interest was when my son's spectacular wedding featured in a local paper.

It's not you Katerina that is doing anything wrong. Some groups attract a particular type of person and if there are several people who are not very friendly or frankly not very nice then in my experience any new person is excluded from the clique. It's not you, it's them so my advice would be to join another group that interests you where you will hopefully find the dynamic is totally different. I have made a few lovely friends at an Art group, they were warm and welcoming from the very start. It's just a case of finding the right one.

Not you. As everyone else has said, it's common - very sadly.

I tried for a week or two going to a group that had just been specifically set up so that people with mental health difficulties and people without, could get to know and provide friendship and companionship for each other - and it was torture.

Most of the people there knew one another from either Mental Health groups or the small village community, and I sat feeling like a leper despite smiling like the Cheshire Cat and saying inane stuff like "isn't it lovely outside?"

I'd get a smile and a hello in passing, ok, but then it was as though I was invisible. I have a wry smile when I read agony aunt columns and people are always being advised to make new friends through joining a group. Hah! Fat chance!

It is not you and it is quite a common thing when someone new joins an established group. I experienced it a few years back with a poetry reading group. I nearly left because of it but kept going because I was interested in the actual poems. After about 18 months ( yes, it took that long) I got the feeling I was accepted and things got better. When new ones joined in after that I made sure to talk to them because it is really unpleasant to feel sidelined and ignored. If you like the group in general, keep going and maybe hone in on someone who is less unfriendly and just have a bit of chit chat with them.

My mum had this experience at an over-sixties group she started going to after my dad died.
She's very chatty and outgoing (unlike me), and even in her late eighties, she still makes new friends quite easily, but she said that group was so cliquish that she had trouble even finding anywhere to sit - all the empty seats were being 'saved' for people who had not yet arrived. The welcome could not have been less warm.

She persisted for a while, but it never really improved.

Luckily, she found other groups that were much more welcoming.

When I retired I joined a Tai Chi class. I thought I would get to know people in local area after spending years at work.
The instructor made me feel that teaching a new person was a nuisance. There was a long break in the middle where everyone stood in a group and drank water, ignoring my efforts to join the conversation.
I left and joined an aquacise class. Great fun and friendly people who immediately invited me for coffee and other social events which were organised.

I think it's rude and thoughtless of those people to make you feel so unwelcome. You are doing nothing wrong Katerina.
I cannot believe how some of you have been treated at these so called groups that are supposed to be so welcoming.
Hopefully there are other groups you can join that will be more friendly towards you.l agree with Jemimasmum, you cannot go wrong with Aquafit or Aquacise. I go with my dil, I'm useless at it but everyone is so kind and friendly.
Kindness seems to be missing these days from so many walks of life.

I am not a 'mixer', but joined a group last year because I had long wanted to do the activity. I really had to push myself as I am quite shy in groups and usually cope better one to one. I am still attending... LOVE the activity... the teacher is funny, enthusiastic and all inclusive.... competition is not allowed!
The group all know each other but gradually one or two started to speak to me individually... think they realised I was not going away!
I attend for the activity, not the company... which I think helps...
If you enjoy the activity...stick with it...for you....

Absolutely Mayal. I agree, it's wonderful exercise and no skill required.
Unfortunately I can no longer go due to eye surgery, but I really miss it.

I feel for you. It must be horrid to feel you stick out like a sore thumb. Hopefully you’ll fit in better as time passes, or you’ll opt out and try another group.

I often turn ‘awkwardness’ into humour if I can.

For example, yesterday I was sat having coffee with 3 ladies who I don’t know particularly well. I had walked past (a garden bar, we were all in swimsuits and sarongs!) and had been invited by one to sit with them. They are nice people. They all knew one another really well. I listened as they chatted about past and upcoming holidays. Cruises planned for the next few months, a two week Thailand holiday, ‘have you been to ‘Raffles’ there?’, the beautiful such and such building etc. Obviously I couldn’t join in. No matter. I smiled, listened and was genuinely interested. The conversation continued between them. “Oh yest I’ve been to Thailand 11 times now, once for 3 months. We stayed in a friends house. We had to leave Thailand and go to Cambodia for a few days to get our passports stamped.” “I’ve been 5 times now. I adore the place. Did you stop off in Singapore like we did for 3 days?” There was a slight pause in the chat and I said ‘I’m feeling a bit left out of this conversation. Have any of you been to the Blackpool illuminations?’ Cue hilarious laughter from the 3 ladies, a slight shift in the topic and a very enjoyable half hour - which included me!
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Well done Urmstongran !! A bit of humour is often the way to break the ice isn’t it.

I went to a U3A group and there was only one lady I found empathic. The rest in the group were one very rude and pernickety old gent and one control freak. I had better things to do with my morning so joined a church knitting group and have not looked back. The lady who runs it is all inclusive and makes a point of celebrating anything any of a us do, and she goes around chatting to all of us about what's going on. I think a lot depends on the leader. Hope you find a group you are comfortable with.

I know exactly how you feel.
We moved on retirement and decided to pursue hobbies. Someone suggested the U3A. DH found a kind and friendly group or so he thought. Until the teaching sessions stopped and they had to go to larger meetings in a nearby larger town. Competitions were held and all were expected to enter. He realised he was out of his depth and made to feel so and left it must have been very uncomfortable because he does not give up easily.
I was told that my hobby was no longer held at the main centre and there were separate groups. I was given the number of one and they said they were full and passed me on. This happened a number of times until I was grudgingly offered a place. They gave very unclear instructions as to how to find it, I bottled out and tried to phone with my apology only to find answer phones. I have never been contacted.
I was asked to join a small local group only to find the leader was wanting to retire and expected me to take over when I said no things were very cool. There are "clicks "wherever you go and you have to have a certain nature to persist and eventually be accepted, I'm afraid I haven't got it and as I get older can't be bothered to try.
Good luck I hope you do find somewhere welcoming.

Isnt it sad that we all are having the same experience, no matter what our age?
I made the mistake of assuming we would learn from our experiences and become kinder (for want of a more precise word) to each other as we got older.
People are people I suppose.

I assume it is human nature to go along with the crowd, they were all new members at some time and probably remember what it was like in the beginning, members want to protect their position in the group.

Being welcoming to an outsider could mean that the group prefers the outsider over the welcoming member thus it threatens their position in the group.

It even happens on here, which has thousands of anonymous members.

Yes Elizabeth27 I agree, it does happen even in the virtual world.

I joined a u3a art group and as soon as the teacher introduced me the 2 ladies beside me got very interested. You were married to J(My ex) and you go to x activity with T don't you? I found this nosiness very intrusive and embarrassing and didn't go back.

well, that's the other side of the coin isnt it kircubbin2000
I wouldnt like that either.
I guess theres no pleasing me?