At a cross roads in relationship

Hithere

I would start wondering why every partner you pick has cheated on you - you are the common denominator

I wondered that too

SunshineSally

Mattsmum2

Urmstongran

How are you feeling now Mattsmum? Less churned up I hope.

Thank you for asking, I’m calm at the moment but terrified of the conversation that I have to have with him next week.

Actually Mattsmum you don’t have to see him if you don’t want to (especially if you are fearful about how he will react).

You really do have the power to take control on this situation - and it’s completely your choice how you decide to end it x

I do unfortunately as he has my dog which was planned I collect next weekend.

Mattsmum2

BlushingSheep

You deserve more than this.
I can't help feeling that being single would be better.
Are you planning to get a place of your own, or is your current living situation a long-term thing? (Not relevant, just being nosy!)

I’m building an annex in my sons garden, self contained. Thanks for your comments. Don’t mind yiu being nosey ?

Oooh lovely! The best of both worlds. Your own space AND near to your DS!
Sounds daft but I'm excited for you lol

Mattsmum2

Urmstongran

How are you feeling now Mattsmum? Less churned up I hope.

Thank you for asking, I’m calm at the moment but terrified of the conversation that I have to have with him next week.

Actually Mattsmum you don’t have to see him if you don’t want to (especially if you are fearful about how he will react).

You really do have the power to take control on this situation - and it’s completely your choice how you decide to end it x

Thanks Vs

You nailed it

Run for the hills and don't look back .
You don't need him .

The first red flag would have been charging you rent, especially when he is very comfortably off. What basis is that to start a loving relationship? By all means, share the expenses, but it's beyond mean if he has, as I suspect, no mortgage or other commitments.

It sounds like the relationship brings you more unhappiness than it brings contentment or joy. I’m also concerned that your partner “went ballistic” to the point where your son was so frightened that he called the police and that the involvement of the police made things worse rather than leading to any realisation that he was behaving badly. It’s time to be brave and have the conversation. Life without this worry would be so much better.

I think Hithere has been misunderstood...

Actually I know she has been.

Some of us are more vulnerable to meeting abusive partners. There is just something in us they sense, and it's not because we are bad people at all. It is just that certain boundaries and tools are missing that should protect us.

There are reasons for this and they can be healed.

Mattsmum the absolute best thing you can do is love yourself enough to get some help.

There are many organisations out there and it is well known that verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse now.

You deserve better

Luckygirl3

I am widowed and live alone. I do not like it - but rather that than have to bear the burden of such a troubled relationship. You can live without a man.

I have for over 30 years and I am quite happy…?.. mind you I am Asexual so that’s probably why I don’t want or need a man… Have been married twice, both very short marriages…. First one 10 months and the other five years, quite enough for me ?..(l am 70 in February)

Hithere

I would start wondering why every partner you pick has cheated on you - you are the common denominator

That's the sort of thing an abuser would say.

I am widowed and live alone. I do not like it - but rather that than have to bear the burden of such a troubled relationship. You can live without a man.

Urmstongran

How are you feeling now Mattsmum? Less churned up I hope.

Thank you for asking, I’m calm at the moment but terrified of the conversation that I have to have with him next week.

Hithere, what an unkind thing to say.
Mattsmum, you sound tired and worn out and I would think maybe a break away from each other for just a couple of weeks might help. If the relationship has run it’s course, so be it, better than being unhappy, if you feel it’s worth fighting for that’s another option. Do what feels right, life with a partner shouldn’t be a battle,

How are you feeling now Mattsmum? Less churned up I hope.

BlushingSheep

You deserve more than this.
I can't help feeling that being single would be better.
Are you planning to get a place of your own, or is your current living situation a long-term thing? (Not relevant, just being nosy!)

I’m building an annex in my sons garden, self contained. Thanks for your comments. Don’t mind yiu being nosey ?

I would start wondering why every partner you pick has cheated on you - you are the common denominator

Run.
You paid him rent, he lost his temper when the kitchen was on a mess, sulks because your family have taken you in and now you have upset his day by phoning him. Don’t make excuses for him as it will only get worst.

You are not at a cross road you are reaching a dead end. Do a U turn and don’t look back life is too short there is just one shot at it.
Someone who won’t accept your family is not worth knowing. He takes you for granted and blames you when things go wrong do yourself a favour.
Wash your hands of him he is most certainly not worthy of a good and decent partner. Get away and you will be amazed how you will get your confidence back.

My take on this is your fella is high maintenance. Maybe you acknowledged this and accepted it until the fracture your son caused. Now? He’s issuing an ultimatum. “My way or the highway”.

He’s financially secure. He has no ties emotionally to others. He wants you to be ‘his all’. Deviate from that and you get the cold shoulder.

I’d be very upset but I’d want to end this relationship. It will be hard because you’ve invested a LOT of time and effort into it. But beware now. You’ve been shown the ‘red flags’. Ignore them at your peril. Either continue - with your eyes wide open - or fold.

I think deep down you know this is true.

Big hugs.
No one gets together to split up.

He isn’t the right person for you - he sounds downright nasty and manipulative, dangling you on a string like this, blaming you for all that he perceives has gone wrong in the past few years, being verbally abusive towards you and your son. The red flag is huge here - heed it and leave him.

You deserve more than this.
I can't help feeling that being single would be better.
Are you planning to get a place of your own, or is your current living situation a long-term thing? (Not relevant, just being nosy!)

icanhandthemback

^Every man I’ve had a long term relationship with has cheated on me. Only regretting their actions years later. I’ve been told I’m easy going, very giving and friendly. My current partner I know would be totally faithful to me...^

Do you think this is why you hold on to this man even though he has actually been quite abusive about your children? We all have aspects in a relationship that worry us and it can mean we overlook things that we shouldn't because of the these things. For example, a woman who has bean hit in previous relationships might overlook the fact a man doesn't pay his way in a relationship because at least he doesn't hit her.
I think that maybe you need to look at what you want out of a relationship and then check how many of the good things you get from that. Then look at what you don't want in a relationship and see how many of those things you are getting. I'd put money on it that you will have your answer at the end of it.
To be frank, somebody who didn't expect me to put my kids very high on my list of priorities would be a no-no especially if they had been abusive to them when they were around.

You may have a point here.

If he is as I mentioned above, he won't be capable of a proper discussion, because ultimately you'll get trapped in a web of manipulation, half truths, him begging or crying alternating with aggression, because

it's possible he is incapable of enough self awareness to take responsibility for his actions, and therefore has to blame others habitually.

look back about how he's presented past situations he's been involved in. Has he lied/fantasised/embroidered situations?

Whats hard is that if what I suggest is possible, there would have been a time when you were adored, on a pedestal, felt on top of the world, you were the only one etc etc.
No surprise to hang in there hoping it might come back - sometimes for a long time. Until there is a trigger.

Every man I’ve had a long term relationship with has cheated on me. Only regretting their actions years later. I’ve been told I’m easy going, very giving and friendly. My current partner I know would be totally faithful to me...

Do you think this is why you hold on to this man even though he has actually been quite abusive about your children? We all have aspects in a relationship that worry us and it can mean we overlook things that we shouldn't because of the these things. For example, a woman who has bean hit in previous relationships might overlook the fact a man doesn't pay his way in a relationship because at least he doesn't hit her.
I think that maybe you need to look at what you want out of a relationship and then check how many of the good things you get from that. Then look at what you don't want in a relationship and see how many of those things you are getting. I'd put money on it that you will have your answer at the end of it.
To be frank, somebody who didn't expect me to put my kids very high on my list of priorities would be a no-no especially if they had been abusive to them when they were around.