Fiancé dislikes my adult children

Is he funny with your friends and extended family too? Mine was and I ended up trapped with him in his lifestyle.. no friends and family thought I didn’t want them around as I was so quiet.

If not the think about what you want, maybe he is or isn’t right but you are questioning things already.

On reflection agree with Glorianny.

What a difficult situation for you. I think that you would be wise to ask for relationship counselling with your fiancé so you can both work out some boundaries with your adult children that suit you both. Within that Counselling you may find out why your children don't like your new partner or you might find he is a keeper who is just struggling with the situation and expressing himself badly.

My husband has always found my daughter difficult as she was the one who consistently and persistently made explosive shock waves throughout the family with her behaviour. Whilst the nub of what he was saying about her wasn't unfair, the way he expressed it actually really hurt me. We did Family Therapy and it helped to a small degree but eventually I had to put my foot down. He could think what he liked but I expected him to be civil to and about her. Gradually everything settled down and the only time he says anything is to warn me that something I might say to my daughter is likely to bounce back and bite me where it hurts. Most times he's right!

Foghorn……. They are her children even as adults and he should be supporting her in getting the adult children to toe the line not just by laying down the law. Abuse starts small and grows

I would have to show him the door after the "snake's" comment it does not bode well at all with me.
His comments about them having a door key makes me feel he will become more controlling in the future my AC's all have a door key for emergencies since I have been on my own and it gives me peace of mind,if your family stop visiting you just think how lonely you will be in the future its just not worth it is it.

When I read your second post I'm siding more with your fiancé .
If your kids have free access to your house and contact you when they want something - then , they aren't really there for you .

Is their intense dislike of him anything to do with inheritance ?

I watched one of my oldest friends through the years of misery and loneliness and then , almost abandon her new boyfriend because her teenage son didn't like him .
This new boyfriend was her first love and a very nice man .
I remember her son as a very sulky little boy .
Of course , he too had been abandoned by his father , but now despite having a life of his own - he was determined to ruin the new relationship .

I think that your kids shouldn't have the keys to your house .

If this man is going to make you happy - you have to make a stand .
Or is he trying to control you ?

At the moment , you are on an emotional see saw .
Maybe it's time to have a break if things cannot be resolved peacefully .
It doesn't have to be permanent .

Wishing you luck for the future .

Who adds more to your life at this stage?
Who is likely to bring you joy and contentedness in the future?

May I suggest that you change your mind about actually getting married. My OH and I are very much committed to each other but won't be getting married because the law states that our assets then would be joint.
I want what I have to go to my offspring as does he. By choosing not to marry we have removed a possible barrier to them accepting a new partner for their parent. You never know what resentments they might be harbouring.

Glorianny

You are basically swopping one lot of abuse for another aren't you. Your AC's haven't respected you and have now decided they don't like your choice of partner. He's telling you when you can see them and won't go to family functions if they do. Tell him you need a break, throw him out, change the locks and stand on your own two feet for a bit. Then invite your ACs back and offer them keys if they agree to let you know when they are coming and not to enter the house without knocking (the keys are for emergencies). Then call him and ask if he would like to restart the relationship but with you setting the rules. Tell them all the very least you expect from them is politeness and respect towards you and each other.

Excellent post there by Glorianny.

You are basically swopping one lot of abuse for another aren't you. Your AC's haven't respected you and have now decided they don't like your choice of partner. He's telling you when you can see them and won't go to family functions if they do. Tell him you need a break, throw him out, change the locks and stand on your own two feet for a bit. Then invite your ACs back and offer them keys if they agree to let you know when they are coming and not to enter the house without knocking (the keys are for emergencies). Then call him and ask if he would like to restart the relationship but with you setting the rules. Tell them all the very least you expect from them is politeness and respect towards you and each other.

Can you slow things down? Dont agree to marriage yet. See how things progress over the next few months or year. Good luck.

Barmeyoldbat

Run is my advice, he is not supporting you with your problems and it looks like the start of domestic abuse.

It seems to me to be domestic abuse from the adult children rather than the partner. They sound thoroughly unpleasant.

Well we obviously don’t know all the facts.
But do you really want to pass up on a relationship for the sake of children who disrespect you?
On the other hand, are they seeing something that maybe you aren’t?
You need to talk to them, but be quite clear that this will be your decision, not theirs.

He does not feel like my adult kids who don’t live with me should have open access to the house - do you mean they all just let themselves in?
I would put a stop to that now he is living with you.

Re your youngest "child" - are they supportive? You say the problem is with the other two.

Wow ! So many questions ......

Why do they disrespect you? And more to the point why do you allow it?

If my 2 AC spoke or treated me badly, whoaaaa they eouldnt do it twice, but its hard to give concrete feedback when it seems very deep.

Regarding your chap saying the things he says, once again the big question WHY? I mean from what you say, he has been 'right' with them but its not been accepted as he/you hoped, so once again .... why ?

I would have to get all my T's crossed and I's dotted before a gold band was pushed on my finger.

I really hope all works out for you, life is short, be happy.

I think your problem lies with you and your AC.
If you have allowed them to walk all over you and disrespect you, I doubt very much their behaviour will change, especially if you continue to allow it. That should bother you more than them accepting any new man into your life.

1. Your fiance making an effort to know your adult kids- why? They are adults, why reach out to them?

He is marrying you, not them.

All they have to do is being civil with each other

2. You admit your kids have treated you like a doormat.
Your fiance may have seen it and wants you to stand for yourself

3. Your AC hardly talk to you and call you - would that change if you ditch your fiance?

4. How does your fiance treat you? Lovingly, with respect, you get along well?

Sounds a very difficult situation and we can't know all the facts. Congratulations on finding a new relationship that suits you. May I suggest you find someone local to talk to, a counselor. Relate will be able to recommend someone who will listen short term.

However your new partner cannot be interfere between you and your children. Ok he doesnt want a relationship with them, but he cannot judge them or upset you with criticism. Draw the line there for both sides and get some more support for yourself. Congratulations again. Good luck.

Are they going to like ANYONE you choose as a partner, children choose sides in a divorce, if they are close to your ex they may punish you, even subconsciously.

You dont say how old the children are, if they are old enough to be self sufficient they need to accept that you have a life. Wether with this man or any other having adult children around the family home is not going to work.

This guy has clearly made an effort to get on with your adult children, who clearly haven't reciprocated. They are adults, you shouldn't have to tell them how to behave in a civilised manner. You admit that they've never respected you and have walked all over you.

Change the locks so they can't walk into your home whenever they want - ditch them, not him!

Run is my advice, he is not supporting you with your problems and it looks like the start of domestic abuse.

Sorry its not going to work..your heading for problems, not worth the stress.

All you can do is try and talk to everyone and tell them how difficult this is for you, caught in the middle. Maybe try family counselling? Relate does that. Keep talking until you can talk no more!

If no-one is prepared to change for you then it does sound as though you will have to choose between him and them, and that is a BIG choice. Do you really feel your children are just using you and not respecting you? If you are sure they feel no love or closeness then you may wish to leave them, but just realise there may be no turning back. On the other hand, if you dump him you may feel lonely and missing out. It's a hard one, and only you can decide which path to take.

There is nothing wrong with expecting adults to behave in a respectful way to people they don't like, particularly if that person is a loved ones partner.

I would also be asking them to let me know when they're coming round in case I was hanging from a chandelier having passionate sex.

I agree it doesn’t bode well, but if you think he maybe the one, and you could have a happy future with him, maybe you should put yourself first for a change.

So, are they going to respect any partner, ever, or are you going to give up on the idea of finding one, based on what your adult children decide?