Fiancé dislikes my adult children

Get rid. It’s not going to work.

This is a really difficult situation.

I think it needs to be talked through.

Find out why your children don't like him.

Even if they have no good reason to dislike him, his behaviour isn't great either honestly

Yes but just to provide more feedback. They have always walked over me and showed no respect to me. He says if they will disrespect me they will sure disrespect him. And they have. So he said I have tried more than 3 times..I’m not anymore. They live their own lives away from the house. Should I disrupt mines because they hardly call or talk to me. Only if they need something from me.

He in turn says that they are like snakes and can’t be trusted

Doesn't bode well, does it.

No-one would call my DC snakes - he'd be through that door so fast he'd be tumbling, his belongings following him.

This is not going to work
Be honest with yourself.
I see stressful times ahead if you stay with him.

How do they disrespect you?

So, are they going to respect any partner, ever, or are you going to give up on the idea of finding one, based on what your adult children decide?

I agree it doesn’t bode well, but if you think he maybe the one, and you could have a happy future with him, maybe you should put yourself first for a change.

There is nothing wrong with expecting adults to behave in a respectful way to people they don't like, particularly if that person is a loved ones partner.

I would also be asking them to let me know when they're coming round in case I was hanging from a chandelier having passionate sex.

All you can do is try and talk to everyone and tell them how difficult this is for you, caught in the middle. Maybe try family counselling? Relate does that. Keep talking until you can talk no more!

If no-one is prepared to change for you then it does sound as though you will have to choose between him and them, and that is a BIG choice. Do you really feel your children are just using you and not respecting you? If you are sure they feel no love or closeness then you may wish to leave them, but just realise there may be no turning back. On the other hand, if you dump him you may feel lonely and missing out. It's a hard one, and only you can decide which path to take.

Sorry its not going to work..your heading for problems, not worth the stress.

Run is my advice, he is not supporting you with your problems and it looks like the start of domestic abuse.

This guy has clearly made an effort to get on with your adult children, who clearly haven't reciprocated. They are adults, you shouldn't have to tell them how to behave in a civilised manner. You admit that they've never respected you and have walked all over you.

Change the locks so they can't walk into your home whenever they want - ditch them, not him!

Are they going to like ANYONE you choose as a partner, children choose sides in a divorce, if they are close to your ex they may punish you, even subconsciously.

You dont say how old the children are, if they are old enough to be self sufficient they need to accept that you have a life. Wether with this man or any other having adult children around the family home is not going to work.

Sounds a very difficult situation and we can't know all the facts. Congratulations on finding a new relationship that suits you. May I suggest you find someone local to talk to, a counselor. Relate will be able to recommend someone who will listen short term.

However your new partner cannot be interfere between you and your children. Ok he doesnt want a relationship with them, but he cannot judge them or upset you with criticism. Draw the line there for both sides and get some more support for yourself. Congratulations again. Good luck.

1. Your fiance making an effort to know your adult kids- why? They are adults, why reach out to them?

He is marrying you, not them.

All they have to do is being civil with each other

2. You admit your kids have treated you like a doormat.
Your fiance may have seen it and wants you to stand for yourself

3. Your AC hardly talk to you and call you - would that change if you ditch your fiance?

4. How does your fiance treat you? Lovingly, with respect, you get along well?

I think your problem lies with you and your AC.
If you have allowed them to walk all over you and disrespect you, I doubt very much their behaviour will change, especially if you continue to allow it. That should bother you more than them accepting any new man into your life.

Wow ! So many questions ......

Why do they disrespect you? And more to the point why do you allow it?

If my 2 AC spoke or treated me badly, whoaaaa they eouldnt do it twice, but its hard to give concrete feedback when it seems very deep.

Regarding your chap saying the things he says, once again the big question WHY? I mean from what you say, he has been 'right' with them but its not been accepted as he/you hoped, so once again .... why ?

I would have to get all my T's crossed and I's dotted before a gold band was pushed on my finger.

I really hope all works out for you, life is short, be happy.

He does not feel like my adult kids who don’t live with me should have open access to the house - do you mean they all just let themselves in?
I would put a stop to that now he is living with you.

Re your youngest "child" - are they supportive? You say the problem is with the other two.

Well we obviously don’t know all the facts.
But do you really want to pass up on a relationship for the sake of children who disrespect you?
On the other hand, are they seeing something that maybe you aren’t?
You need to talk to them, but be quite clear that this will be your decision, not theirs.

Barmeyoldbat

Run is my advice, he is not supporting you with your problems and it looks like the start of domestic abuse.

It seems to me to be domestic abuse from the adult children rather than the partner. They sound thoroughly unpleasant.

Can you slow things down? Dont agree to marriage yet. See how things progress over the next few months or year. Good luck.

You are basically swopping one lot of abuse for another aren't you. Your AC's haven't respected you and have now decided they don't like your choice of partner. He's telling you when you can see them and won't go to family functions if they do. Tell him you need a break, throw him out, change the locks and stand on your own two feet for a bit. Then invite your ACs back and offer them keys if they agree to let you know when they are coming and not to enter the house without knocking (the keys are for emergencies). Then call him and ask if he would like to restart the relationship but with you setting the rules. Tell them all the very least you expect from them is politeness and respect towards you and each other.

Glorianny

You are basically swopping one lot of abuse for another aren't you. Your AC's haven't respected you and have now decided they don't like your choice of partner. He's telling you when you can see them and won't go to family functions if they do. Tell him you need a break, throw him out, change the locks and stand on your own two feet for a bit. Then invite your ACs back and offer them keys if they agree to let you know when they are coming and not to enter the house without knocking (the keys are for emergencies). Then call him and ask if he would like to restart the relationship but with you setting the rules. Tell them all the very least you expect from them is politeness and respect towards you and each other.

Excellent post there by Glorianny.