Have you forgiven his infidelity?

So sorry Nonogran. My Mum forgave my Dad over and over and over - but the final straw came that broke the camel's back.

Get out now whilst you still have your dignity.

I think I was 13 when my Dad collapsed due to a burst duodenal ulcer and was blue lighted into hospital, my Mum didn't drive and had to get a taxi there - only to find another woman already at his bedside. Janet - his latest fling. While my Dad was recovering in hospital, 'Janet's' ex husband then came round to our house to see my Mum to 'warn' my Dad off. Ghastly memories of my poor Mum making this greasy haired creep tea, how dare he come to our family home.

You are worth much more.

It was never my plan to be alone going into old age either, and it's still hard sometimes to accept that the one person I loved and trusted more than anyone in the world never to hurt me, would hurt me so badly having affairs. But trust me, being alone is better than living with the constant fear and uncertainty of never knowing whether he's really changed this time. Does he mean it this time? Why is he late home again? You know the scenario.

Please do yourself a massive favour. Love yourself enough to walk away from this relationship. Look at the person looking back at you in the mirror and tell her she doesn't need a cheat and a liar in her life.

It's not easy I know, but just put one foot in front of the other, make your way to the exit and keep walking. You deserve better.

Everything you have said is a total red warning. I realise you are agonising over this and have asked everyone to be kind but take a step back and consider what you might answer someone else asking the same question? Definitely a no from me and I don't understand why you don't see that. Please don't get married and take legal advice.

Yes, I forgave him, after his first affair, only because of the children. But a leopard never changes it’s spots. It happened again and again, and finally, he left me for the last one. They are now married. He was probably looking for the ‘right’ one. ..
All I can say is good riddance ….
We were in our 50s. I have been single since then. Its not all bad. I have the sweetest children and grandchildren and some great friends.
I repeat, a leopard never changes it’s spots, although he is getting on a bit, isn’t he? …if you know what I mean ?

I definitely agree that a leopard never changes its spots and continuing this relationship could really affect your self esteem.
Do get out now and don't look back.

I always think a good measure of feelings is to think carefully as to whether you would want to nurse him if he became ill - and whether he would nurse you with the same care. You know the answer.

Your description of your ex suggests you have a habit of picking out people who will hurt you.

I would get rid of him & get some counselling (seriously, it’s cathartic), to understand why you keep on putting up with terrible treatment from men

Nonogran - do you really need a husband in your life? It's 2022, the world has changed for women. Companionship can be found elsewhere, anywhere really. Be your own companion! As for Leopard Man, you could still be friends.

Nonogran I think you love him more than he loves you. Which is why you won’t give up.

Nanogran , what on earth are you thinking about!!!!!?????? If you stay with him you must be well aware of what you are getting into. For goodness sake get shut of him , if you enjoy being distrespected and love bring a doormat then stay with him -the choice is yours!!

"If I bring anything up, he shuts me down. "
He is a liar and a cheat...
..... but its your life....

You wouldn't see me for dust... unacceptable and disrespectful..
He is taking you for a mug!

“If I bring anything up, he shuts me down.”

He does this because you let him get away with doing so. He sets the agenda it seems. That’s convenient for him! He’s running the show because he knows you want the relationship to continue almost (but not quite) at any price. He knows you were heartbroken at the split (you’ll have told him at some stage) but he wasn’t. He was straight out on the dating sites.

Oh give your head a wobble Nonogran! Your heart muscle is stronger than you think. It’ll heal and at least you won’t be bumping into him locally.

If you are looking for a loyal and trustworthy partner, this is not him, is it?

On the other hand, if you can 'overlook' his flings and accept him for what he is (a philanderer) with all his faults, then....

I speak from experience, my father was a serial philanderer, my mother knew how to mange the relationship to suit herself. It worked for them.

Manage, not mange...

Sometimes it's not a question of 'forgiving', but turning a blind eye to it because the alternative is too bleak...

No way would I marry this man , but if you can put up with the deceit keep up the friendship
If you marry , the next fling will be paid for out of joint funds , will you be happy with this ?

My oh had a holiday affair. We are still together. If I could turn the clock back I wouldn't marry him again, sometimes I wish I'd left him at the time. I'm afraid it's stayed with me, can't forgive.
Good luck to you and please don't marry him.

Forgiveness is a 2 way street Nonogran. The 'injured party' forgives and the perpetrator wants to be forgiven. Does he want your forgiveness because he's remorseful or does he want it so he can behave this way again?

I wonder if you believe that you don't deserve better, that this man is marginally better that your ex so he'll do. You do deserve better in a husband so don't marry him.

Keep the relationship as it is if you must have this man in your life and if you do, accept that it's more likely that this will happen again than him changing his ways.

You asked us to be kind, and there have been strong words, but they have come out of people's pain here, and they are a mark of us caring for you, trust me Nonogran.

Do you still be wondering about someone's fidelity in your 70's? Time to relax and look after yourself .
If he thinks he can get away with it he will.
Let him go. Hard but peace of mind in the end.

No offence, but I love myself too much to put up with 'stuff' at my age. For me, it's just not worth the hassle.

If you can't tolerate his affairs you will become ill again. You have a choice. Either you tolerate his affairs or you leave him.

You have too much emotional investment in him.

You can choose to keep him for sex and occasional companionship but he is not going to be your forever soul mate.

I agree with most of the advice given already, especially not to marry him! You would be on tenterhooks all the time, especially as he won't have any conversations about what he has done. I think that maintaining a friendship could work, as long as some emotional distance can be kept between you. It would take strength on your part, especially if he starts to 'love bomb' you again or tries to get himself back into your life as a love partner. You would need to be very firm with him that that aspect of your relationship has gone and if he can't continue the friendship without it, you're out.

that's the trouble with dating sites, loads of older vulnerable women to exploit... I can only reiterate other posters that I don't think he'll remain faithful...be very careful..

kircubbin2000

I certainly wouldn't marry him. If you like his company you can stay friends but you know you can't trust him.

This is how I feel.
I would enjoy the friendship side secure in the knowledge that the pain of betrayal isn't round the corner.