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daughter told me she is in relationship with another girl

(61 Posts)
Jemimatheragdoll Thu 10-Nov-22 19:21:47

This is my first time on here, I would like others perspectives and thoughts - my youngest child is 21 and has always had lots of platonic friends of both sexes. She is lovely, kind and happy, I have always been proud of her and we have always been very close. Me and her father have not been together for many years, he was abusive to all of us, she does not have a relationship with him. She has lots of close male platonic friends but never to my knowledge had a boyfriend. In the past year she has been close to a girl on her course at university who I like a lot, they have a lot in common. It had crossed my mind a few times that they were together as a couple but never said anything like that, I have never been one for prying in to the lives of my children, I think they will tell me in their own time if there is anything to tell me. The other day (on a video call, she is at uni a way from home, we talk every day) she told me there was something she wanted to tell me. I asked her if she was OK and she said yes there was nothing wrong, she was happy. I said it sounded like something was important to tell me but it seemed difficult to tell me. I told her that it could be something I already knew and then she told me she is in a relationship with this girl. I said are you happy, she said yes and I said that if she is happy, that is all I want, I told her I love her, am proud of her and the girl in question is lovely, I like the way she fits in when she comes to stay at our house with her. I cant say it is a shock, also, I know that young people are more and more able to make choices about who they have relationships with. I do feel something, not sure exactly what it is but I think it is that when she was a baby I enjoyed her so much, I loved being a mother and there is some sadness that she may never know that feeling. I know that is all my stuff but still its there although I would never tell her that. I know lots of women have relationships with other women these days and then also go on to have relationships with men which perhaps something that is in the back of my head and I should not think that way, this is all about her choice, and her life. Would appreciate thoughts from anyone who has had a similar experience please. Thanks in advance.

MerylStreep Sat 21-Jan-23 14:46:22

Lemsip
It’s the eternal question 🤔

Kim19 Sat 21-Jan-23 14:34:42

I'm very happy for all of you. Bravo! Quite made my day...... Thanks.

SeasideLili Sat 21-Jan-23 14:28:32

Hi Jemimatheragdoll,
How lovely that you speak to your daughter daily, that is a rare thing once they go off to Uni...
Most parents want the best for their children and oft fail to see that the best for parents isn't necessarily the best for their children... Firstly I believe its important to say that people have always felt what they feel today in days gone by, I cringe when folk say 'Its a different world' in relation to peoples feelings, sexual orientation included, because its all about feelings and its worth noting that its only in very recent years that folk have been able to 'come out' with their feelings as the legality et al in many ways has been problematic... I believe in a way its not dissimilar to being a parent and admitting that at 3am with a baby screaming constantly you really regret being a mommy or daddy and want this 'monster' to just go away, whereas we can verbalise this 'freely' today and 'come out' with our feelings in a 'safer place' (of course this depends on where you live in the world)... Also your daughter can have children, if she wishes... Finally its worth noting she may choose a man in the future who knows, its her life, her choices and her health and happiness is paramount... You sound like a super mommy, she is fortunate.

Philippa111 Wed 18-Jan-23 16:17:40

What a great mother you are! Firstly your daughter feels comfortable telling you and even before that bringing her partner home. Secondly when she told you , you were open minded, supportive and loving. Not all parents would be so accepting.... she's lucky!

There is no reason why she can't have a child. Many same sex relationships have children, biological to one parent. However your daughter might not want children.

But, yes ,you need to feel the feelings that come up. It's one thing wondering and another when things are out in the open and certain. Also your daughter might be in a lesbian relationship just now but she might be bisexual and go on to have a heterosexual relationship but that still doesn't guarantee children.

They say the parent is as happy as the child. Be happy now and let your daughters life unfold as it will.

lemsip Wed 18-Jan-23 15:46:51

Shelflife

Jemima , all will be well - child or not!

Why have you revived this thread from

Nov 2022.

BlueBelle Wed 18-Jan-23 15:41:16

Clearly implied that mum hopes this is a 'phase' and that she will return to 'normality' in the future .

Quite wrongly interpreted Fleurpepper there is absolutely nothing in Jemimas post to indicate this… you ve just made that up and you need to re evaluate your answer and apologise because that’s a nasty response

MayBee70 Wed 18-Jan-23 15:11:47

If there is one good thing about life now it is that people can be open about being in same sex relationships, marry and also have children. When my children were growing up I worried that they might be gay but only because they might not be happy. If any of my grandchildren were gay I wouldn’t fear for their happiness at all now.

Shelflife Wed 18-Jan-23 14:30:27

Jemima , all will be well - child or not!

TwiceAsNice Fri 11-Nov-22 15:53:25

My youngest daughter is gay. She has had one long term relationship but they broke up several years ago. I treated her like a second daughter but was not blind to the fact she was quite selfish and my daughter did all the compromising. Since then she hasn’t found someone else and at nearly 40 she probably won’t have a child but she is a fabulous auntie and very involved with her nieces. She still has a happy life and if she did have a new relationship it is just as easy for same sex couples to have children now which is great.

MadameChirac Fri 11-Nov-22 15:16:46

Such a lovely, honest and encouraging post sharon103. Jemimatheragdoll will be encouraged by your wise words I'm sure. usual critic will find a failing I expect

sharon103 Fri 11-Nov-22 15:09:29

Yes the same for me. I bought 3 young children up on my own since a divorce in 1987. I have a daughter who had school boyfriends and a fairly long relationship when she met a young man when she went to work but then split up after a couple of years
Daughter is now 44 and had a same sex relationship when she was about 20. Still living at home I knew there was something she wanted to tell me.
I'll be honest. At that time 24 years ago I just could't accept it. It took me a very long time to get my head around it all.
She eventually left home to live with a girl and by that time I had got used to the situation. I accepted her partner, did wallpapering for them and visited when I could. This relationship ended after a couple of years.
She went into another relationship and lived only 3 miles from me and they bought a house together. I can honestly say I loved her like another daughter. We all used to go out together, to the seaside, shopping. Everything.
Sadly, they broke up after more than 10 years. I still miss her and wish they were both together still.
Fast forward, my daughter as I say is 44 now has been in a rocky relationship with a lady for the past 5 years. the partner lived in my daughters house for a year then split up. Went back together after a while but didn't live together.
Then at the end of May this year daughters partner gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl and now they live together.
I still have doubts about whether this relationship will last forever but we all get on fine.
I love this little baby more than words can say. I can't wait for the day she can toddle about and we can play together and look after her. Her 1st Christmas. I never thought I could fall in love again, but I have.
As long as your daughter is happy I just want to say, be happy for her.
She may have children of her own one day or her partner might.
Don't pin your hopes up on your daughter having a male partner. She may not.
Always be there for her even to pick up the pieces if things go wrong.
As long as she's happy in her life, that's all that matters.
I dare say people have had things to say about my daughter and her same sex life but you know what, I don't care.
Lots of love xxx

Chocolatelovinggran Fri 11-Nov-22 14:33:20

grandtante is exactly right - the future looks good for you as mum and mum- in - law, and maybe in time grandmother

Mollygo Fri 11-Nov-22 14:31:06

FleurPepper
Clearly implied that mum hopes this is a 'phase' and that she will return to 'normality' in the future.

Where did she do that?

grandtanteJE65 Fri 11-Nov-22 14:22:15

You have done exactly the right thing when you spoke to your daughter.

I should think there is every chance of the three of you forming a good solid relationship as mother, daughter and mother-in-law.

Well done!

Norah Fri 11-Nov-22 14:17:21

Fleurpepper Clearly implied that mum hopes this is a 'phase' and that she will return to 'normality' in future.

No, that is false.

Mum is lovely and quite supportive.

Hithere Fri 11-Nov-22 13:41:45

Op

You are thinking too far ahead

Your dd is 21 - this could be her partner for life or not.

The main question is - what does your dd think about having kids?

Or does her sexual orientation worry you as you want gc?

Grammaretto Fri 11-Nov-22 12:07:33

I think it's natural to have concerns and worries about our DC.
In this case a bit more because it's outside the realm of our own experience.

Also, at least when I was growing up in the 1960s, homosexuality was still illegal for men, and I can remember some of the disapproval and tittle tattle among my parents friends and even school mates about being queer. Prejudice doesn't disappear overnight and we hate the thought that our own DC or DGC should be on the receiving end. We always want to protect them

MadameChirac Fri 11-Nov-22 11:46:58

Clearly implied that mum hopes this is a 'phase' and that she will return to 'normality' in the future

No she does not! Nowhere in her op does Jemimatheragdoll ever refer to normality, nor does she even hint that her daughter has anything less than her 100% support. The negativity your seeing in the op is your own FleurPepper. Which is expected.

Smileless2012 Fri 11-Nov-22 11:20:43

I don't understand some of the responses the OP is getting hereconfused. She's clearly being very supportive of the D she loves.

JulesJ Fri 11-Nov-22 11:20:07

I do understand your worries as I shared them once but they were totally unfounded.

Being in a same sex relationship doesn't preclude having children.

My friend's daughter and her wife became a very happy mums through IVF and my own son and his partner have adopted 2 lovely boys.

The most important thing here is that she is happy. If she ever wants children of her own, and is able to, there is nothing standing in her way just because her partner is another female.

Well done for being as supportive as you have been, it will mean a huge amount to your daughter.

ParlorGames Fri 11-Nov-22 11:08:38

She could have said 'I'm terminally ill'.
She could have said 'I'm dropping out of university because I hate the course/tutors/student life'
She could have said 'I'm cutting you out of my life and want nothing more to do with you'

What she DID say was 'I am happy, I am in a relationship with another girl'

Leave her be, she is happy, what more could you wish for?

NotSpaghetti Fri 11-Nov-22 11:07:47

Please don't feel like a fraud here LadyHonoriaDedlock
It's just the way life pans out. I think you are welcome here flowers

Also, flowers to jemimatheragdoll - I hope you feel less rag-dollish soon.
Thinking of you.

Doodledog Fri 11-Nov-22 11:06:54

Really? I can't see any clear implication of that at all. I see a mum who has heard something about her daughter that she hadn't realised was the case, and is sharing her experience with other mums.

The OP has accepted that any concerns are 'her stuff' and shows no disapproval of her daughter whatsoever. She sounds to me very supportive.

Fleurpepper Fri 11-Nov-22 10:58:46

MadameChirac

^She is 21, not 15 - so you hve to let her make her choices, and be there for her.^

Has Jemimatheragdoll suggested that she won't let her make choices and won't be there for her? confused

Clearly implied that mum hopes this is a 'phase' and that she will return to 'normality' in the future.

Lucca Fri 11-Nov-22 10:57:07

Grantanow

It's her choice and her life. Just be supportive.

She is being supportive ,