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daughter told me she is in relationship with another girl

(60 Posts)
Jemimatheragdoll Thu 10-Nov-22 19:21:47

This is my first time on here, I would like others perspectives and thoughts - my youngest child is 21 and has always had lots of platonic friends of both sexes. She is lovely, kind and happy, I have always been proud of her and we have always been very close. Me and her father have not been together for many years, he was abusive to all of us, she does not have a relationship with him. She has lots of close male platonic friends but never to my knowledge had a boyfriend. In the past year she has been close to a girl on her course at university who I like a lot, they have a lot in common. It had crossed my mind a few times that they were together as a couple but never said anything like that, I have never been one for prying in to the lives of my children, I think they will tell me in their own time if there is anything to tell me. The other day (on a video call, she is at uni a way from home, we talk every day) she told me there was something she wanted to tell me. I asked her if she was OK and she said yes there was nothing wrong, she was happy. I said it sounded like something was important to tell me but it seemed difficult to tell me. I told her that it could be something I already knew and then she told me she is in a relationship with this girl. I said are you happy, she said yes and I said that if she is happy, that is all I want, I told her I love her, am proud of her and the girl in question is lovely, I like the way she fits in when she comes to stay at our house with her. I cant say it is a shock, also, I know that young people are more and more able to make choices about who they have relationships with. I do feel something, not sure exactly what it is but I think it is that when she was a baby I enjoyed her so much, I loved being a mother and there is some sadness that she may never know that feeling. I know that is all my stuff but still its there although I would never tell her that. I know lots of women have relationships with other women these days and then also go on to have relationships with men which perhaps something that is in the back of my head and I should not think that way, this is all about her choice, and her life. Would appreciate thoughts from anyone who has had a similar experience please. Thanks in advance.

Fleurpepper Thu 10-Nov-22 19:29:05

You know the answer

''this is all about her choice, and her life.''

FarNorth Thu 10-Nov-22 19:31:54

I don't have similar experience but just wanted to say it's absolutely all right to have whatever feelings & thoughts you have, and work through them yourself.
You obviously have your daughter's happiness as your no 1 priority which is all you need.

midgey Thu 10-Nov-22 19:38:37

But she may still be a mother! Families are very different these days. They must have been so relieved that you are so accepting and happy for them.

Jemimatheragdoll Thu 10-Nov-22 19:41:52

@midgey thank you, yes I think so

Jemimatheragdoll Thu 10-Nov-22 19:43:37

@FarNorth yes you are right, its good to know I can have those feelings and be happy at the same time.

Grammaretto Thu 10-Nov-22 19:44:36

My cousin had exactly this experience with one of her DDs,
The couple are now married and have 2 beautiful children.
I think her, my cousin's, feelings were very like yours.
I would feel the same, I am sure.
Now the whole family is very happy. I hope your DD will be too.

Grannyben Thu 10-Nov-22 19:49:18

You sound like a lovely mum. Everything will work out just fine.

Debbi58 Thu 10-Nov-22 19:57:42

Lots of same sex couples have children these days , they may decide to later down the line . My twin girls are very different, one was a young Mum, she had her first baby at 17 her second at 19. My other daughter has just qualified as a teacher, still lives at home , she has lots of friends , bit no-one special. Their 30 this year and I do worry about her leaving it too late to be a mother. But as she never mentioned it , I guess she's not that bothered. She's a great Auntie, so maybe that's enough for her

Vito Thu 10-Nov-22 20:20:17

Yes you do sound such a lovely mum. flowers

Jemimatheragdoll Thu 10-Nov-22 20:44:51

Thank you Vito

Jemimatheragdoll Thu 10-Nov-22 20:46:05

Debbie58, its a good point that any woman whatever their sexual orientation is not necessarily going to become a mother

Jemimatheragdoll Thu 10-Nov-22 20:46:33

Grannyben, thank you

Jemimatheragdoll Thu 10-Nov-22 20:47:55

Grammaretto, thank you, none of my close friends are in the same situation as me so to hear of others who have gone through it is helpful

hazel93 Thu 10-Nov-22 20:52:56

Firstly, your daughter is happy so brilliant ! There is absolutely no reason why you cannot look forward to grandchildren. My cousins daughter has been married to her wife for a number of years , they have two lovely children, Enough said I feel.

M0nica Thu 10-Nov-22 20:54:02

Our neighours are a female couple with two toddlers. No different from the hererosexual couple with toddlers who preceded them.

BlueBelle Thu 10-Nov-22 20:56:39

Any woman in whatever relationship may not be a mother BUT equally a same sex reLationship may produce children

My best friends niece is in a same sex relationship and they have three children all born to the same Mum using the same doner
don’t jump ahead you ve done it all right so far wait and see you may have some surprises ahead
Good luck to you all

Doodledog Thu 10-Nov-22 20:56:46

I think it is good that your daughter has felt able to talk to you, and lovely that you have been supportive of her relationship. As others have said, tomorrow is another day. She is only 21, and may or may not still be in this relationship forever. Whether she is or isn't, she could still be a mother, if that's what she wants.

As you've said, this is about her, and if she's happy then that's all we can hope for for our children, and it's good that you know and like your daughter's girlfriend. She may go on to have relationships with men, or she may not. It doesn't matter, so long as she is happy. I know you know this, and are just adjusting to things not being as you expected, which is fine, too. As long as you can be happy for her, she is likely to continue to include you in her life, which is a blessing.

(this post was brought to you by the word 'happy' grin. That's always a good thing, though.)

Fleurpepper Thu 10-Nov-22 20:57:15

She is 21, not 15 - so you hve to let her make her choices, and be there for her.

JaneJudge Thu 10-Nov-22 21:00:31

Lots of lesbian and gay couples have children smile

Mollygo Thu 10-Nov-22 21:08:04

One of the better things about this century is that your daughter should have fewer problems with her life. The biggest concern for her has already been dealt with; she still has your love
You’re a wonderful mum for assuring her of her that, even if , in your mind you still wonder what may happen.
One niece shared the same experience with her parents and her aunts. She’s still unmarried, still happy with her partner and what she worried about most was family acceptance.

NanKate Thu 10-Nov-22 21:17:16

Isn’t it great that we are more accepting of different forms of relationships, which in our parents day would have caused a riot?

My close friend has just gone through her son becoming her daughter at the age of 47, which has been quite shock but slowly she has been able to accept this new situation.

VioletSky Thu 10-Nov-22 21:20:24

She can have children if she wants to

Friends of mine had ivf using the egg from one and the womb of the other so that they would both feel like parents and they are so happy

LadyHonoriaDedlock Thu 10-Nov-22 21:32:10

If you have been looking forward to grandchildren then I can understand why you may be sad, but I think you have to roll with it.

My daughter and only child is 42 and while it is not too late for her to be a mother that is not her intention and she has never shown any sign of being maternal. That is why I am not a grandmother (and occasionally feel a bit of a fraud in this place). As a child I never had a close relationship with my grandparents; they were already elderly by the time I was born, lived at a considerable distance, and never really showed much interest in me when we did visit them. I do sometimes envy others who have close relationships with grandparents and grandchildren, but I try not to let it get to me. It's just something that was not to be my lot.

The best think I think is to delight in your daughter being happy, and try not to let your disappointment show.

ginny Thu 10-Nov-22 21:33:54

She is happy, you are happy. Sounds like you are a lovely supportive Mum and we all worry about our children in some way or other.