ex-wife visiting mom

Great post Madgran.

Huskyfan, your mother can see whom she likes even when the person she sees is somone you dislike.

Who is telling you that your ex is saying bad things about your new partner? They are not your friend not the friend of your ex. Apart from that, you cannot nor should control what other people do. If your ex wants to visit your mum and your mum is happy then steer clear. Their relationship is nothing to do with you. As for her saying 'bad things ', tell whoever is stirring that you don't want to hear.

She has not been kind in all of this and saying bad things to my children about my new partner which i do not appreciate. My family knows this- Not sure if those changes anything

So, you need to separate out the issues!
- Are you angry with your Ex for bad mouthing your new partner?

- Or are you angry with your family for continuing a relationship and seeing their grandchildren, despite knowing about the bad mouthing?

Whichever it is, or both, I think you need to focus on YOUR CHILDREN more. Their needs should be paramount in this situation. If they have a strong relationship with your family, why should they lose that because their parents don't get on?

You could try to build a civilised adult relationship with your Ex for the sake of your mutual children who I assume you both love dearly. Talk to her about the problem NOT from the perspective of YOUR feelings but from the perspective of what would be best in this difficult situation for your mutual shared children!!

Oh okay, they are all adults it can be pretty normal for people who have developed relationships over a number of decades to keep in contact with one another though. Your Mom didn't divorce your wife, you did

huskyfan

yes and they are all over 21- they have ample opportunity to visit themselves as they wish- they all have cars and do not need me or their mom to drive them

Wonderful. So multiple adults making a decision to have a lovely time with zero obligation or the potential for suppressed resentment.

I imagine your Mom and sister want to create a positive environment and healthy relationships for their grandchildren/niece/nephew. They are children and you are an adult.

Why is your ex wife being horrible about your partner>

yes and they are all over 21- they have ample opportunity to visit themselves as they wish- they all have cars and do not need me or their mom to drive them

huskyfan

understood and appreciate the feedback- just understand as stated in original post- She has not been kind in all of this and saying bad things to my children about my new partner which i do not appreciate. My family knows this- Not sure if that changes anything

She could put a curse on your home and again two adult women can do what they want.

Are you taking the kids there often enough?

understood and appreciate the feedback- just understand as stated in original post- She has not been kind in all of this and saying bad things to my children about my new partner which i do not appreciate. My family knows this- Not sure if that changes anything

I am not saying she cannot maintain a relationship with my family
You are absolutely right; you cannot.

I think you have to get over it. They have every right to see each other. Your mother does not have to tell you who is invited to her home and it's important for your children to maintain contact with her.

I'm afraid you sound like a child in the playground - I'm not friends with ex wife so my mother shouldn't be either. Now you know why they didn't tell you.

Your mother was saving your feelings - you were happier before you knew. Did you like to be the one in control when you were married to your ex?

You have moved on now and have to let others do the same in the ways they see fit.

I agree with everyone else who has responded.

It really has nothing to do with you now, huskyfan, unfortunately.
Two women who have DC/DGC in common and who get on well wish to meet up with the children.

They don't need permission from anyone. Be glad for them.

Sorry you’re out on a limb here Huskyfan your ex wife and your mum can visit each other when they like and they can dance the light fandango together if they want to and it has nothing to do with you or your feelings they don’t have to notify you as to their plans.
You get on with your life and enjoy yourself with your new partner and leave your mum and ex to enjoy themselves whenever they wish without your permission or even acknowledgement

No. Adult women do not need the approval of a man to meet and socialise in their own home.

I also don't think you should have been notified huskyfan. All too often paternal grand parents and other family members lose contact with the children they love because of divorce.

Be pleased for your mum and sister that they have managed to retain their relationship with their grand children and niece/nephew which is in part thanks to your ex wife.

Now you know about the visit, you are upset. To avoid that, the relationship between your ex wife and your mum is better left between them.
At least your Mum gets to see her grandchildren -doesn’t always happen after a divorce, so be glad for her.

My son is going through divorce at the moment. I am still in contact with my soon to be ex dil, the mother of my grandchildren, who live with her. They stay with my son every other weekend.

I sometimes have the children for a sleepover to help her if she needs childcare on her weekends. I always let my son know this is arranged but don't seek his approval. However once they've been divorced for 5 years I probably wouldn't feel the need to even let him know.

No, you should not have been notified. Really lovely that your ex still gets on and visits her ex mother-in-law.

In my opinion no you should not have been notified.
Your ex wife is just that. Your ex. She is free to visit who she likes without your permission.

As I see it the relationship between your ex and your mother and sister is a matter for them now that you are divorced.
It is good that your mother and sister can maintain contact with your children as children are inevitably the ones who lose out when a marriage breaks up, but this is no longer something which needs to be negotiated through you.
You may feel they are being disloyal to you or taking sides, but where children are concerned there are no “sides”
You say I am not saying she cannot maintain a relationship with my family but this is not up to you. They are adults who may and will make their own decisions.
This is probably not what you wanted to hear, but you can’t have things both ways.