ex-wife visiting mom

It’s not all about you OP although you seem to think otherwise.
Without knowing the details of your marriage breaking down I can only guess why your ex might be less than kind to or about your present partner and you, but of course I may be wrong.
It is also possible that your mother also feels your ex was an innocent party so why should she not continue to see her.
And no, nobody needs to run these things past you!

People are under no obligation to "be kind".
I'm sure your partner isadult enough to deal with it.

It's not always possible to airbrush huge chunks of your life away.

We have no idea of course why 'she has not been kind' to your new wife. We have no idea of what the history is behind all this. So truly impossible to comment beyond the 'no, neither had to notify you'.

An elderly lady near us died recently. But we know that her ex DIL remained very close after her son divorced her. She supported her, emotionally and physically, shopped, cooked and cleaned for her, took her on outings, drs, and so much more. And she was not forgotten in the lady's will. Her son and new wife moved a long way away and had very little to do with the mum. They visited occasionally, but no more.

Just seenbthey are all over 21. Presumably then they all get on, happy to go visiting with their mum. Why don't they visit with you then would be my question

snowberryZ

I sympathise with Husky.
Its not as if they're young children and the grandparents have to maintain a relationship with the ex otherwise they risk losing touch with their grandchildren.
I get where the OP is coming from.
It's all very well people saying he should rise above it, but I would imagine it feels like his blood relation is being disloyal to him by maintaining close relations (to the extent of having them stay over) with an ex who is potentially mouthing off about him and his new partner.
Especially hurtful if it wasn't an amicable divorce.
It sounds as if the ex is being spiteful and trying to drive a wedge between the OP and his mother. And his mother is too gullible to see it.
Seen it happen.

The children are absolutely the priority here, not his feelings

I understand your upset but your mum can choose who she welcomes into her life and if she had good relationship whilst you were married it will endure and did obviously!
It's as difficult as me seeing the woman who broke up my family be welcomed and fussed over (until she was rumbled!) By mum in law !don't let your exes influence linger, you and mum had your own relationship nothing to do with the other one.

MissAdventure

And he was under the patio.

Oh don't!!!

Ex-MIL did have a chat with me and said that her ex-DIL was well rid of her son and that the new husband was lovely 😲

And he was under the patio.

I've been to a wedding where there has been an ex-MIL, ex-SisILs, children from a previous marriage, all happily celebrating and congratulating the newly-weds.
One big happy family. It can be achieved.

The only one missing was the ex-husband.

I have been divorced twice, and both times I have kept in touch and visited my ex inlaws [ now all passed away ].
I divorced their sons, not my in laws. You are way out of line with this.

I don’t understand why the ex wife would need to be anything to your current partner, let alone kind. Your children are all adults, there’s zero reason for your ex to deal with your partner at all.

As for your mother, your ex has been family for over 20 years. You divorced her, your mother didn’t.

I don’t know why you believe your ex is badmouthing your partner, but your kids are adults, and capable of assessing situations, people and relationships for themselves.

Norah

Madgran77

She has not been kind in all of this and saying bad things to my children about my new partner which i do not appreciate. My family knows this- Not sure if those changes anything

So, you need to separate out the issues!
- Are you angry with your Ex for bad mouthing your new partner?

- Or are you angry with your family for continuing a relationship and seeing their grandchildren, despite knowing about the bad mouthing?

Whichever it is, or both, I think you need to focus on YOUR CHILDREN more. Their needs should be paramount in this situation. If they have a strong relationship with your family, why should they lose that because their parents don't get on?

You could try to build a civilised adult relationship with your Ex for the sake of your mutual children who I assume you both love dearly. Talk to her about the problem NOT from the perspective of YOUR feelings but from the perspective of what would be best in this difficult situation for your mutual shared children!!

This.

Spot on Madgram77

I also agree! Great post madgran

huskyfan Mon 10-Oct-22 15:46:24
I am 54 and divorced (2nd relationship)- Love my girlfriend dearly but she likes to have a few drinks from time to time. I told her that i have no use for alcohol anymore- It seems when people our age start drinking to excess- it annoys me- I told her I don't want to control her- but when she drinks- she changes. (as most do)- How do i go about dealing with this?

www.gransnet.com › Forums › girlfriend and drinking › Relationships

Well that certainly puts a different spin on it Maw, I hadn't realised this was the same poster.

If that is what his ex is trying to do then he's simply playing into her hands snowberry.

MawtheMerrier

OP was earlier obsessing about his girlfriend’s drinking habits- do I detect a controlling atmosphere in his relationships?

i thought this was the case but i couldn't work out how to search!

OP was earlier obsessing about his girlfriend’s drinking habits- do I detect a controlling atmosphere in his relationships?

Your ex wife is continuing to nurture and encourage a relationship between your GC and your mother. That is to be commended, especially as it’s an age when children are generally pulling away from grandparents in favour of friends as they become adults.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. You have divorced your wife, but you brought her into your family by having children with her. Familial bonds just don’t break off because you desire it!

Do grow up - she is the mother of your children and has a relationship with your family. Are you really saying your mother has to get your permission to she your ex and her grandchildren. That is a really controlling attitude.

Perhaps they love each other snowberryZ?

It's not unusual for DGC to love their grandmother and aunt and it's not unusual for an ex-DIL and MIL to be fond of each other and want to stay in touch.

We don't know why the marriage broke down, we're only hearing one side of the story.

Whatever the background, no-one should be trying to control these relationships and the interactions between them.

I sympathise with Husky.
Its not as if they're young children and the grandparents have to maintain a relationship with the ex otherwise they risk losing touch with their grandchildren.
I get where the OP is coming from.
It's all very well people saying he should rise above it, but I would imagine it feels like his blood relation is being disloyal to him by maintaining close relations (to the extent of having them stay over) with an ex who is potentially mouthing off about him and his new partner.
Especially hurtful if it wasn't an amicable divorce.
It sounds as if the ex is being spiteful and trying to drive a wedge between the OP and his mother. And his mother is too gullible to see it.
Seen it happen.

huskyfan

yes and they are all over 21- they have ample opportunity to visit themselves as they wish- they all have cars and do not need me or their mom to drive them

They can go when they like, separately or all together.
For Christmas too, if they want to all get together.
It's lovely that they all get on so well.

I don't understand the problem.

I am sorry but really you are being over sensitive and may I say a bit controlling, why do you need to be told who is visiting your mon? She doesn’t need your permission. Just for the record I went and stayed with my mil when I left my husband as I got on better with her than my own mum. I continued to visit her and accept invitations to family events without even giving my ex a thought. Why would I. You need to let go for the sake of your children

Madgran77

*She has not been kind in all of this and saying bad things to my children about my new partner which i do not appreciate. My family knows this- Not sure if those changes anything*

So, you need to separate out the issues!
- Are you angry with your Ex for bad mouthing your new partner?

- Or are you angry with your family for continuing a relationship and seeing their grandchildren, despite knowing about the bad mouthing?

Whichever it is, or both, I think you need to focus on YOUR CHILDREN more. Their needs should be paramount in this situation. If they have a strong relationship with your family, why should they lose that because their parents don't get on?

You could try to build a civilised adult relationship with your Ex for the sake of your mutual children who I assume you both love dearly. Talk to her about the problem NOT from the perspective of YOUR feelings but from the perspective of what would be best in this difficult situation for your mutual shared children!!

This.

Spot on Madgram77

huskyfan - you have a new partner. Just enjoy your future with her. I am also divorced and yes, at first, it was hard to see my Ex and his partner having a very cordial relationship with my children and grandchildren. But, I got over it - the more love children get, the better it is for them. Besides, my AC organise family parties, in such a way that my Ex/partner leave earlier.