I'm Trying..TRYING to stay out of it

Lucca

Callistemon21

What if there is merit to dil's comments and she is in the right?

DIL and I have been known to have a little giggle occasionally about DS's foibles 😁

Definitely! We do too.
But light hearted …I would never expect nor want to be part of any deeper issues !

Certainly not.
And never, ever criticise your DIL to your DS!

Maybe he just wants a listening ear - I have that all of the time!
I use my ears - give advice when asked for it - try to see both sides but mostly keep it to myself and close my mouth … and not drink around anyone 🤣

A mama bear roars for her cubs when they are growing up

Those cubs become bears themselves and can fight their own battles, mama doesn't need to roar anymore

Minefield !!
I listen to my son when he wishes to vent but that is the end of it. All I do is listen. Never, ever would I get involved in their relationship, nor anyones elses .

My DIL has fallen out with her mum and they haven't seen each other for a few years now. She does bring Xmas presents for the DGC which are accepted but that's it. There is hope though as sadly DIL has been diagnosed with a serious medical problem and contacted her mum who responded. So really hope they get back together ❤️. DIL has often been quite controlling with her mum but never with me. Her mum just went her own way and moved away which was sad.
My DAC all make their own mistakes and unless it's a violent abusive relationship I've never interfered or commented unless asked.

Someone said to me only last week that when marriages break down the mother of the husband always blames her daughter-in-law. Hardly fair. The speaker has not had children though so perhaps did not understand how we automatically defend our children, albeit unthinkingly at times.

I provided a listening ear to my son. Did not criticise his wife at all. Had to help out financially when they split so that son could remain in family home but wife got her share to buy something else. No children but son got custody of dog and two cats and ex got visiting rights!

Shinamae -heartfelt sympathy. Really do think good legal advice is important - especially if there are threats in the air.

And they may want to consider a family law firm that does mediation.

Best wishes to all Grans standing in this puddle of woe!

Keeping your mouth shut whilst making smoothing noises is probably the best way forward. I don't always do this however, I sometimes ask my son what he did wrong.

I used to sympathise with my SIL because I knew how difficult it was living with my daughter but I soon learned that he loves people to "side" with him so my new stance is to just let him vent. Occasionally I have had to remind him that she is my daughter and if push comes to shove, I would side with my daughter no matter what. I just want him to know that he cannot rely on me to fight his corner!

Before my late husband died and when our son and wonderful daughter in law ( I love her like my own) got married my husband said two word " Never interfere" . I/we've stuck to that
I adore my daughter in law but my son drives me mad but I still keep schtum and smile.

Yes do - our adult children are never blameless or prefect / and it takes two . My profession is a family mediator - the well meaning wider members of the family can make things a whole lot worse !

No wonder MIL’s get a bad reputation! Do not get involved or take sides. Negotiating family relationships is tricky at the best of times and showing that you do not like your DIL is asking for trouble!

When my daughters let off steam to me I make soothing noises because the next moment if you do say anything they are back together and you are the big bad wolf.
DH always keeps out of things and says there are two sides to every story and we only hear one,I think he is right.
I do help one daughter with work problems and handling colleagues she tends to do what I did when young and jump right in I tell her to stand back and think what DH would do and act accordingly.
He did have to do a lot of managing people as well as his clinical job.

Oh dear. A husband and wife should talk to each other and not to their parents about each others flaws and mistakes. Your son is married to his wife now. You have no place being ready to pounce on your daughter in law. Try loving her, accepting her and including her and refusing to discuss her with your son.

When, some years ago now, the man we had expected to be our son-in-law, left our daughter with an 11 month old baby, for someone else, 4 months before the wedding, I was unable to say nothing. In fact I said a great deal, as did DH. We have been extremely careful never to be critical in front of his daughter, our DGD and are always polite to him in her presence though.
Probably as a rule of thumb one shouldn't get too involved, but as we had to pick up the pieces, we didn't feel we had much choice.

My mantra is never, never get involved in anyone else's disputes. If you weren't there you do not know the whole story and should never never interfere. That hopefully generally keeps my peace.

Well said Hithere

I should go on a nice Winter holiday and leave them to it

Stay out of it Your baby bear is an adult with a

One of my DDs tried to engage me in a relationship problem - I told her that I had confidence she would make the right decisions, and that I was here to support her whatever she decided. I did not engage in discussion about the nitty gritty of the problem and definitely made no criticisms of her partner. Just as well I did not as they are now happily married with 3 lovely children.

Had there been issues of domestic abuse of any sort then I would clearly have engaged with it.

Even listening to an AC venting about the spouse is dangerous - they are still involving you in couple matters

If venting prevents addressing the issue with the spouse - it is already a bad move to be a listener

They need to address those issues between themselves - our parents are not (generally) neutral and most probably take the side of their offspring

Thank you all for your advice and your thoughts. I'm sticking to my guns ..... the two of them (DIL and son) need to work out their issues between themselves and not going running to their mamas everytime. It's none of our business. The chips will fall where they might/may.

I’m saying nowt !!

Hear all....say nothing. This is my motto with family, including adult children, work and with friends....you'll end up 'with egg on your face'

AussieGran59

Mama Bear?
Roar?
Really?
Sorry but this sounds like you think your child can do no wrong. Please don’t wear blinkers where your children are concerned. I am fully aware of my own children’s ‘faults’. They do all have some.

Op sounds like a nightmare MIL