Help needed with overbearing MIL

Be careful not to “make a mountain out of a molehill”!
Just pleasantly stick to your guns and things will calm down in time IMHO

My daughter and I are closer since she gave birth to my darling grandson only because I am very supportive and even though raising children is very different than in my day I do as told. When daughter tells me what is done nowadays I look it up and learn, grandson is not my baby and happy parents that are supported by their village is the most important thing grandparents can do.

As a grandmother of one when my daughter was pregnant I was going over the top with buying and my daughter was putting up her boundaries as it was making her anxious. I did finally calm down and once he was born realised I wanted to be important in his life but his parents needed me to be supportive of them which I have been as I have been in OP shoes myself with my in-laws years ago.
Your mother in law’s anxiety to be important is something that has to be nipped in the bud as your DH is doing but please don’t allow it to come between you both, stand firm and any fallout is her own doing. Grandmothers are not important to babies as all they want is food and parents but competing against parents boundaries harms families mental health so stick to your guns and enjoy your lovely baby and please don’t feel guilty or in the wrong because of anyone else’s expectations.

Sandytoes

I am a MIL ( and a mum ) to my DC and spouse. I have one beautiful GC and would never try to take experiences away from the parents . I do some weekly child care and my DC took their first steps when with me . I didn't say a word . The next day I got a video with the caption " guess who is walking now ! " .

That is how it should be ! Similar to my experience. Why Grandparents feel some God given right to have any say in their Grandchildrens upbringing , unless there are obvious signs of abuse, amazes me.
The parents set the rules, we adhere to them - simple.
Of course spoiling them is absolutely allowed !

I am a MIL ( and a mum ) to my DC and spouse. I have one beautiful GC and would never try to take experiences away from the parents . I do some weekly child care and my DC took their first steps when with me . I didn't say a word . The next day I got a video with the caption " guess who is walking now ! " .

I was anticipating the 'overenthusiastic granny' post that seems to pop up when it's quiet on here. There's always the questions about routines and boundaries, how to approach the 'problem' etc. It's strange, because, out here in the real world, in my circle, it simply doesn't occur. I've never been - or met - such a creature, instead there's an opposite dilemma.

We rarely visit, instead they visit us - quite often enough - and sometimes too often, although, of course, we love to see them - do they have to stay all day? They assume we don't have plans, a life - or anything else (more interesting) to do.

They firmly believe we'll be delighted to babysit (yet again) - or fascinated listening to endless dialogue of baby's progress, their outings, events, quirky personalities, routines and expectations (as if we'd never, ever mothered anyone and simply haven't a clue). Really, it's not rocket science and we don't need instructions.

Secretly, we moan to each other about another Saturday night spent stuck indoors 'grandchild wrangling' - and trying to have a fun time for all. How do we reduce the time/frequency of our 'grandma duties' - without upsetting anyone? We arrange to join forces and visit each other, so the kids can 'socialise' - but really so we can chat to take the edge off!

LRavenscroft

Please, please stick to your guns OP. This is one special time in your life when you should be allowed to do your thing in your way. If you give in it will get worse and worse and you will become resentful. Please keep your boundaries firm. It is a good lesson to learn for life as some people do not recognise boundaries and must have them drawn out.

Excellent advice.

I'd add mil has had her turn raising children.

A great reason for her to step back, behind your boundaries.

Please, please stick to your guns OP. This is one special time in your life when you should be allowed to do your thing in your way. If you give in it will get worse and worse and you will become resentful. Please keep your boundaries firm. It is a good lesson to learn for life as some people do not recognise boundaries and must have them drawn out.

TBF the OP's husband seems to be doing a good job with his over enthusiastic mother Allsorts. Telling her to take unwanted gifts home with her and as a result of his conversation with her, getting his parents to cancel the holiday.

A chance is given whilst allowing the family to draw their red line the right thing to do for everyone Madgran.

Oh dear, such terribly badly unmatched expectations.

I'm sorry, I hope mil "causing arguments in your relationship and leaving you anxious, resentful" and depressed is something that can be sorted. Perhaps counselling might help?

Gifting "unnecessary stuff" - it appears you have solved with your husband asking her to take it back with her. The sulking at the request - you can't stop that - but she is giving you a strong view to who she is and it's not nice.

I'd suggest pulling way back, shortening visits, lengthening time between visits - people tend to understand you mean what you say if you say what you want and insist on compliance.

Our 4 daughters wouldn't put up with what you're being subjected to. Think on what you would accept and lay in some boundaries?

Coming from a good place is apologising when you realize you crossed a line

Yes, which is why the very specific advice given by Happy Zebra gives the opportunity for a very over enthusiastic and somewhat thoughtless MIL, (and yes definitely someone who has learnt guilt tripping/sulking as a way to try and get what they want) to rethink their behaviours and start again/improve! A chance is given whilst allowing the family to draw their red line. There is no excuse for confusion available with assertive straight talking rather than nastiness!

I do think mil is over the top and its intolerable and I would sit down with her and explain some ground rules, how you want things to be. I can’t see her son doing it. All sorted, you hold the cards and she will know where she stands. I think some of the replies quite harsh. She’s hardly likely to harm dil or gd. But you want to raise your daughter your way, there is no need to be confrontational just assert yourself.

Coming from a good place is apologising when you realize you crossed a line

This mil is clearly not very repentant on her behaviour and willing to adapt

It does come from a good place but its mismatched expectations my thoughts too HappyZebra.

"Baby Rabies" I agree Madgran an extremely unpleasant phrase.

HappyZebra

I have just been through this with my MIL. It's hard. It does come from a good place but its mismatched expectations. Don't take the guilt on board. They are her emotions to handle not yours. She had her chance to decide what happens with her children, you get the same. Be confident and clear. It's great practice for when your own child is older. It might be worth biting the bullet and talking to her about how she is making you feel. Figure out what is annoying you the most and tell her how it makes you feel and why you want her to stop. I.e. I feel that when you buy all these presents for my child I don't get the chance to pick out things myself. I definitely want you to be able to purchase things but I feel bad that we have to give things away and sometimes it makes me sad that I didn't get the opportunity to buy them myself as his mum. I am sure you are buying things because you love my child but I'm also sure you'd prefer them to associate you with love not money. Not buying them a present every visit doesn't mean you don't love them. I was actually really hurt that you bought an advent calendar I had been really looking forward to picking one. I'll use this one this time but please would you run an idea by me beforehand. I'd love for us to be on the same page so you get to be a grandma and I get to be a mum. Or something similar. If she doesn't take that on board - continue to send her back with things.

Don't feel bad for being assertive - she will feel hurt initially but the truth is you are feeling hurt right now. To get to a level playing field something has to give. Good luck. It does fade a little with time.

Good advice Happy Zebra. Clear, assertive, recognising the motivations but also making clear exactly what is wanted and the impact of those behaviours on you. Your suggestions enable MIL to think about and face up to the impact of her behaviours, a kind way to conduct the relationship, even when difficulties are encountered

You, your dh decide what is best for your family and what boundaries anybody must follow, including mil

Absolutely agree!

*You want a visit per month? That's what she is told
She complains? Cancel and agree to meet in 2 months*

Why on earth not just say "This is what we are happy with at the moment; we love to see you once a month, so let's all enjoy that time together! We understand that you want to come more often but that does not work for us. I'm afraid that if you do come more often, we just won't be able to accommodate you, which would be so unfortunate as you live 1.5 hours' drive away!"

She comes to your house with presents you did not agree with. They do not come in and visit is cancelled

Er why? The OPs DH is dealing with this perfectly well by telling her to take the presents away again!

I just don't see why such difficulties (and I do think MIL is in the wrong) need to be dealt with by being quite so unpleasant!

And "Baby Rabies" ...what a horrible phrase! - as someone brought up in a country where rabies was rife and who has seen exactly what an animal with rabies looks like and does that really is offensive to read!!

I have just been through this with my MIL. It's hard. It does come from a good place but its mismatched expectations. Don't take the guilt on board. They are her emotions to handle not yours. She had her chance to decide what happens with her children, you get the same. Be confident and clear. It's great practice for when your own child is older. It might be worth biting the bullet and talking to her about how she is making you feel. Figure out what is annoying you the most and tell her how it makes you feel and why you want her to stop. I.e. I feel that when you buy all these presents for my child I don't get the chance to pick out things myself. I definitely want you to be able to purchase things but I feel bad that we have to give things away and sometimes it makes me sad that I didn't get the opportunity to buy them myself as his mum. I am sure you are buying things because you love my child but I'm also sure you'd prefer them to associate you with love not money. Not buying them a present every visit doesn't mean you don't love them. I was actually really hurt that you bought an advent calendar I had been really looking forward to picking one. I'll use this one this time but please would you run an idea by me beforehand. I'd love for us to be on the same page so you get to be a grandma and I get to be a mum. Or something similar. If she doesn't take that on board - continue to send her back with things.

Don't feel bad for being assertive - she will feel hurt initially but the truth is you are feeling hurt right now. To get to a level playing field something has to give. Good luck. It does fade a little with time.

It was in the OP Hithere, information given which for me wasn't clear. There's nothing in the OP to suggest that her m.i.l.'s behaviour could be harmful to her D; that is OTT.

What is was ott, smileless, is you questioning her csection - being elective or not

That is none of your business

Thank you for clarifying about the 'c' section Dilin.

Very OTT responses Hithere. "She comes to you house with presents you did not agree with? They do not come in and visit is cancelled?" Really, when they live 1.5 hours away!!! Much better to do what Dilin's husband is doing and say they gifts aren't wanted and to be taken back when they leave.

"Is she going to guilt a child to conform with her grandma experience?" She doesn't appear to be guilt tripping the son we know from the OP she has a close relationship with, so unlikely with the steps already being taken by her GD's parents, to be able to guilt trip their D.

"........... you are in a much bigger hole that will harm your dd". I don't see how suggesting that the OP's D could be at harm from her over enthusiastic and at times insensitive GM is helpful.

"I know my husband gets asked for photos daily, and if they don’t come gets told that she is sad that she hadn’t had any"

This is a red flag you must take seriously

What if your dd does not do what she wants?
Is she going to guilt a child to conform with her grandma experience?

Unless you put a stop to this one, you are in a much bigger hole that will harm your dd

This is a clear case of baby rabies

You, your dh decide what is best for your family and what boundaries anybody must follow, including mil

You want a visit per month? That's what she is told
She complains? Cancel and agree to meet in 2 months
Meet in a restaurant so you determine the length of the visit

She comes to your house with presents you did not agree with?
They do not come in and visit is cancelled

You get the drill - it is good training when your baby is 2 years old and trantruming

I know my husband gets asked for photos daily, and if they don’t come gets told that she is sad that she hadn’t had any

He needs to tell her that he hasn't got any and cannot respond whilst at work. If he just keeps reiterating it, he can copy and paste. She will get the message.

the issue is that it seems to have fallen on deaf ears or the bits that were acknowledged they don’t feel happy about.

They don't have to be happy with it, you do. You can't control people's emotions so don't even try. They will get used to it but they have to drop their vision of what they thought being a Grandparent was all about. Maybe you also need to reiterate how important it is to have grandparents in your life too so it balances out what they think they are losing.

If you get this sorted, you will have other children sorted too so it is worth the hassle.

I really feel for you. I have a friend who was 'that MiL' 😄 She nearly drove her DD crazy. She used to give me regular updates, show me the texts and pictures. The good news is that her DD and SiL managed to put up with it until she got over it and 'retrained' her as to what to expect. She is now a valued 'Nanna' who has her 3 GC to stay while parents have time off. One of the things DD did was to specify in advance what she would like for GD's presents. The first thing was a 'very special' mobile for the nursery. The second was a 'special' quilt for GD's first bed (which now hangs on the wall in GD's bedroom as she is now 7). She was also asked to put any money into savings instead of presents so GD could choose for herself when she was older. Things calmed down after the first and she now has 3 GC and did the same for all of them.

It's worth remembering that MiL has never been a GP before. Her expectations will be based on family experiences she had herself and those of her friends. Which may not be the same as your expectations. I'm sure she doesn't mean to be overbearing and once she understands that she has a place as a GM she may be easier to live with.

My response to constant demands for photos would be to laugh and say 'Good lord, Mam, we don't take photos every day you know. We'll send you one when we take one'.

I was told I was having a c section, and we decided to take it as an opportunity to be able to experience the birth on our own without the pressure of family wanting to know what was happening and coming to visit, believe me, I would not have voluntarily gone through that!

I do believe that it comes from a good place, and there has already been a long conversation about what we as a family are happy with which had been communicated after the holiday incident, the issue is that it seems to have fallen on deaf ears or the bits that were acknowledged they don’t feel happy about. It just brings a lot of guilt to our plate I suppose.

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