Staying with daughter really confused

Yep here I am and thanks again all of you for seeing how complicated it is.

I had to go to the hospital for a check up on a heart condition day before yesterday which had already been put back because of the fracture so we reckoned better get it over with. It was a trainee male and he manhandled me to get the echo scan he wanted. He moved my arms and positioned me causing me to scream and cry at one point, he called his supervisor because he was worried that he hadn’t got the scans right! Point being my shoulder has been worse since though yesterday I got the promised phone call from the physio at the hospital and she has sent me an app to download. I haven’t started it yet but have to do the the exercises every two hours …

So one reason for the silence my end As for DD so many of you get that…we have to harness all our stoicism and then add some.
I can’t quite fathom what’s going on with DD I just think on the whole I’ll have to take the brunt of it and try and keep sane with your help. It seems at times no one could be more kind or more cruel.
I also get that resentment perhaps we all feel when mothers stop being independent and able I too remember feeling impatient with mine, in denial of her age and mortality
.
I don’t think I will qualify for help because of savings and I’m very willing to pay out but I don’t know quite how to start.. get one of those cleaning companies in? I don’t know how to get an independent cleaner in..
and today I’m taking up some more advice from you I am going to ask if I can go on the dog walks with them.
I think o need more exercise too, the problem has been that whenever I have had an active day my arm has suffered and it’s supposed to be immobile for four weeks.. well that is just up.
onward with my app and cast iron emotional carapace I will descend to the kitchen with a smile. Tbh I think at times everything annoys them about me but I do think they like praise for helping me. love you all
I’ll let you know how I get on if I may

So sorry you're going through this. To put this down to marriage problems is a possibility. But, it could also be Mental Health, Menopause, money issues or Job problems that your daughter is sufering with, if her bad temperedness is out of character.

Could you ask her what's bothering her the most? It could be solveable. If its not or it gets worse, definitely get hold of a social worker. Seeing as you'd have to explain to your friends anyway, if and when you move, it might be best to chat it over with your friends now before it comes to that.

grannygranby what is the situation now? Is been some time since you started this thread. Its not a brilliant time of year to get an SW assessment, but have googled getting one and I advise you google your local authority "Adult Social Services" to see what they offer.

I am on my own with two children and full time studies and personality find it very difficult when family come to stay due to space and the fact I have to sleep in the sitting room and I don't sleep well.
Your situation is quite different and I am absolutely horrified that your daughter is treating you like this. You deserve to be loved and looked after. If you were my mum, I'd give you my room with ensuite, put a fridge in your room and would have done all I could to involve you in the household.
I doubt the issue is you. Is it possible that there are marriage issues being highlighted by you visiting.
You poor thing. You need to be resting and healing x

Yes i got the daughter:dogs ok but shouting ad mum issue
I like a back up plan for when the oP is home 🌞

Iam64, I don't think the dogs are a problem as grannygranby said (on the first page):

'yes I have contacted a person to help me with the dogs when I get home.'

(and, re her daughter)

'She has three gardens and loves looking after dogs so that is not the big issue some might think.'

It just seems that the way she is being treated - and shouted at - is utterly unbearable.

cornergran, again, for future reference, of course they will try to send you off with family - as it solves their bed-blocking problems. Still, you can't be discharged without suitable arrangements having been made.

How many have relatives with spare space, downstairs bathrooms and somebody at home all day? Very few. Reablement can take place at home, in a care home or a different hospital (often smaller, local ones). Think carefully before accepting an unsuitable solution.

So sorry to read about your difficulties. I can’t add to the kind and sensible advice other than to support the earlier suggestion you get in touch with the cinammon trust. It sounds as though your daughter is ok to walk then currently. When you go home you will probably need help walking the dogs. Dog walkers are expensive and depending on your council May walk up to seven at a time. Not ideal imo
Aldo yes, to the recommendation you get a social wotk assessment best of luck

Oh dear grannygranby, I’m just so shocked by your DD’ and SIL’s behaviour ☹️
Unfortunately I don’t have the close relationship I had hoped for with my DD, so I have wondered what it would be like in such a situation. DH is pretty useless so I’ve already got tentative plans for the next time I get admitted to hospital.
In your current situation I’m not sure that you’d get the home-based help you’d need if you went home. Could your DDogs go into kennels if you went home? Or is there a local dog walker?
Do you know of any local carers (we have several in our village who advertise on the local Facebook page and in the village magazine)?
Either way, I’m not sure it’s doing you any good whatsoever staying where you are…..
I do hope that things improve soon, 🤗💐

This is not to be borne, as Jane Austen would say. I would, at the first opportunity, be sure to let your SIL know what you have contributed, and I would be dripping with honey about it. I would also, in the privacy of my own room, do research about where else you might reasonably stay to finish recuperating, including friends (maybe a week at a time). I would not allow myself to be insulted. I would let her know when she has hurt your feelings, without harping on it. Just the mere fact of doing research in your room about where else you might go will give you something to do, make you feel like you're accomplishing something, take your mind off your current sore heart, and make you more prepared should you need to beat a hasty retreat. I have two daughters like this, jolly and kind one moment, couldn't be bothered when you really need them. I'll pray for you. It's such a sad and confusing emotion to be hurt by your own children. This is a lesson to us all that it doesn't take long for selfishness to settle in. The very best to you, and I hope you are out of there soon. If you have a home of your own or anything to pass on, I would quietly put it into your will that it's all left to your son. I wouldn't say a word to anyone. I'm a big believer in not rewarding people who are mean just because they're relatives.

I agree cornergran Care is supposed to be available but if family can step in, it's preferred.
My In-laws became helpless during lockdown. FiL died in hospital with covid. Their daily carers couldn't come any more so their DC took turns at living with their DM for 2 or 3 weeks at a time for 2 years.
Yesterday she moved in with her DS and her house will be sold in the Spring.

It's not the perfect outcome and it has taken its toll particularly on her DD who had to give up her job and miss out on her own family who live 200 miles away and she doesn't drive.

I hope you can work out a solution which you can all bear grannygranby. Sorry you feel humiliated by your DC

welbeck

it is not true to say they are saving OP £1500 a week by having her stay with them.
having had a disabling injury she would have been entitled to up to 6 weeks care support, paid for by nhs, either in a carehome or domiciliary.
unfortunately as she has been discharged from the hosp, that option in not now available.
it would have been better if her daughter had taken the dogs only, not OP.
but being as things are now, my advice is

OP needs to get out of there immediately.

True! They always put pressure on family to take them in first and also I don't think pets are allowed to be in the property while the reablement team are going in.

Huge sympathies. I'd be trying to get out asap. Also - if possible, and its scary -ask them if you can all sit down and have an open conversation about it - but that is not always possible with family.

the other thing is if social services at the hospital have said you should not be alone, you should attempt to contact them, but at they are aways busy and this is the worst time - but even if you can talk it through with someone and look at options it might help, and of course it IS in confidence away from family and friendship networks. If family is appearing to step up, hey will be concentrating on otter's with no family, but yours isnt stepping up!

Care of by family

Not everybody is ready to be a carer or to be taken care by family

Op,
Have you taken into consideration how much your daughter and sil are going through, how much their daily lives have been modified?
We are talking about a medium to long term situation here, it is not "count the hours and it is all over"

I understand you had an accident and it is nobody's fault - a little gratitude towards their kind gesture goes a long way
You may need their support once you go back home too

Just a perspective on the reablement mentioned by hetty. It simply isn’t available in this area immediately after discharge. A friend was told ‘ just because you are entitled to it that doesn’t mean it’s available’. She was told a 14 week wait for assessment and made her own support arrangements.

Please don’t assume it’s the case in your area, equally please don’t assume it isn’t.

In your shoes grannygranby I’d do some quiet research and then try to discuss alternatives with my family. Could you involve your son in discussions? Ashcombe is right, being immobile will hamper your recovery. Please at least seek advice from a physio.

I’m sorry you’ve not felt well cared for by your family, a horrid time for sure.

For what it’s worth grannygranby I think the way you have been treated and spoken to is appalling.
Don’t worry about loyalty to your daughter and the rather strange sounding son in law.
If you can’t bare it then reach out- both to friends and local health services and social services and find out everything that is on offer to support you in your awkward situation.
I’m astonished at some of the responses to this dilemma from
Some of the gransnetters… guests are like fish….children being
guests in their own home… what!! ? Bunkum poppycock and piffle.

ps. grannygranby once you are home and recovered you could perhaps send your son in law some nice ripe Brie.
After all they’ve done it’s only what they deserve 😉

Glorianny

It sounds awful grannygranby I wonder if starting to plan your escape would help you feel better. Do you have access to a computer if so why not research what is available in your home area in the way of help? Could you change things in your home to get you back there sooner? Are there volunteer dog walkers who might help care for your dogs? Can you do an on-line shop to be delivered.
Perhaps if your DD realises you are planning to leave she will become more concerned and realise it isn't for ever. I hope you recover quickly and are soon happier and more settled.

I agree with this.
It sounds like you are caught in your daughter’s inability to see her way through this. My neighbour is like this since coming under pressure with her sick husband… she seems to try to humiliate me especially when we are both with my husband.
The other day I had to call her out when she started saying I was lazy/ looked after by my husband. She and her husband have always used drama triangles when under pressure. She seems to think that she can do this with me. I have to be very strong to remove myself from this.

I find that i have to create some distance when she’s like this.

Can you order a small snack hamper to be delivered to you at her house? Can you involve her in planning your support at home when you can move on?

I do wish you luck

it is not true to say they are saving OP £1500 a week by having her stay with them.
having had a disabling injury she would have been entitled to up to 6 weeks care support, paid for by nhs, either in a carehome or domiciliary.
unfortunately as she has been discharged from the hosp, that option in not now available.
it would have been better if her daughter had taken the dogs only, not OP.
but being as things are now, my advice is

OP needs to get out of there immediately.

When do you next see orthopaedics? This level of pain after four weeks might point to the fracture not knitting together properly: you need re examined and possibly x rayed.

Cinnamon Trust is a charity which helps older people by helping with looking after their pets.There are probably volunteers in your area willing to help with your dogs.I used to be a volunteer and was disappointed that there weren't enough dogs that needed walking!
Volunteers also help with other things eg Vet visits,looking after pets if their owners need to go into hospital etc. It is always good to know that help is available so pets can be looked after in a crisis or,like dog walking ,on a more regular basis x

I’m assuming there’s very little you can do for yourself with your extremely painful shoulder. Do you have it in a brace and does it mean that your DD is having to help you with everything, help you to dress and undress, wash etc., I too fell in the woods whilst walking my dog but it happened four years ago and in May I had an operating on a torn rotator cuff. It had to be postponed the first time because of Covit. I know how debilitating these injuries can be. Are you in need of a lot of care from DD and that this might be irritating her as she is not used to caring for someone else.
You do have to start exercising as the longer you leave it the more difficult it will be. I use rubber bands and had a wonderful physio on the NHS after I had my operation. I paid to see a physio at the beginning because it can take several weeks to get an appointment with an NHS physio and was able to do some simple exercises before I had my operation. You do need to be shown how to do them properly.
You need to bear in mind that you will need someone to look after your dogs after your op and that person should be your DD as she knows the dogs very well and they are used to her walking them. You won’t be able to look after them yourself until you’ve recovered and it will be weeks or even months before you’re able to walk them yourself.
Your DD sounds very stressed but that doesn’t mean that she should be rude to you. I think the 3 of you should sit down and talk. I expect you’ve become a bit of an inconvenience for them.

Barneyoldbat has the right idea. Don't run away without discussing it with both of them. After all they have hosted you for 3 weeks.
Seeing as a care home costs £1500 per week on average, they are doing you a big favour
Guests are like fish, as the saying goes, after 3 days they begin to stink.

I realise you are still in pain but even so, someone other than family looking after you would be far less fraught.

I'd invite you to stay with me if it wasn't for the dogs!

Could you talk to them as a couple and say you want to go home as soon as possible as you feel in the way. Ask for their help in doing this, maybe moving your bed downstairs and finding a dog walker for your dogs. You could shop on line, ask for help with temporary home care and let them both know how awful you have felt with their attitude. Good luck and please come to us all for more support when needed

I’m so sorry that you are having to put up with snide remarks , if it was me I’d do everything I could to go back home, it sounds as though neither of them have the patience to look after you, no excuse for rudeness ever! I hope you get well soon and get back home as soon as possible