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Staying with daughter really confused

(108 Posts)
grannygranby Wed 21-Dec-22 08:40:23

I recently had an accident in the woods walking dogs with DD. I fractured my shoulder in three places and she got me to the hospital in her car. As we couldn’t risk the wait for ambulance. I was and am in great pain. The hospital said I could not cope alone and I went to my daughters to stay.
And I am so confused.
On one hand very grateful to be taken in by her and husband. (In their fifties no children large house comfortably off) but she is very bossy and rude and I don’t know how to deal with it so I am reaching out anonymously and safely as one doesn’t want to say negative things about daughter to friends.. too difficult. And she is doing so much. She really is.
Ok one issue or it could be a book, money. I am on a state pension but also have a small business which is hardly covering its costs. Otherwise I just have a state pension and we know how small that is. I have some savings which I live off as income not sufficient though I live quite frugally after years of low income. I inherited some money from my mums estate when she died.
So I have been here three weeks today. I have twice put £200 in her bank account as contribution. and I paid..for shopping once when I went with her. The point is husband once accused me of knowing there was some cheese in the fridge so must have been snooping. I eat what I’m given, am very praising but have no agency. It is a nightmare. Went to Lidl yesterday with her I asked for a couple of oranges some nuts and biscuits for my room as I am very unstable and it’s a long way to the kitchen and I don’t feel I can help myself with confidence. I Spend a lot of time in bed as it’s warm and the only place where arm doesn’t hurt too badly on lots of painkillers.
Last night over dinner they implied I was selfish and greedy. Sometimes they get takeaways, husband pays, I don’t know if he knows how much i have put in her account.
They have a dog and I have two which they are also looking after and DD takes them for a walk every day ( we used to do this before the accident) but I’m not allowed any influence on what and when they eat. Still overall grateful.
If ever I say anything she tells me I am rude and demanding. I’m not.
She is a perfectionist and a doer not a talker. But she does things in a bad tempered way. Sometimes in the evening after a drink but not drunk she is very loud and jolly so I get the two extremes, there seems to be no middle register.
I need help to get me through this till I am able to leave (and drive and go back home) she keeps telling me I am lazy etc etc I just don’t know the answer.
I start physio in January till then the humerus hopefully starts to fuse, I can nearly dress myself everything just takes ages. I am 77 and have lived alone over twenty years.
I have a son in another city but he is sole carer of wife and three daughters three of whom are disabled one of the severely disabled with muscular dystrophy . But my daughter keeps taunting me for not asking him for help.
I try and stay strong and cheery but need some cheery support if possible.
I did break down and cry and complain one morning last week and she behaved a bit better after. But it is so draining. Kind words and advice really appreciated

dragonfly46 Wed 21-Dec-22 08:51:15

Oh dear this makes me so sad.
I have found some couples without children get very set in their ways and hate changes to routine.
The incident with the cheese must have made you feel rotten.
I am not sure what advice to give except maybe come on here and get support.
Hopefully it will not be too long until you get home.

crazyH Wed 21-Dec-22 08:53:29

Daughters and Mothers 😫 frankly, I doubt my daughter would take me in, if I was in a similar situation. I would probably have to go to a Nursing home or pay someone to come in and help me. She works. And tbh, I wouldn’t want to stay with her. She can be good, but when she is bad, she is horrid. Due to some words wee had, I am keeping away from her and I doubt I’ll see her over Xmas..
Just ignore the harsh comments. You need her now.

Maya1 Wed 21-Dec-22 08:53:37

I'm sorry to hear of your accident granny Granby. I hope you soon are well and back to full health. It seems to me that you are doing everything possible to contribute to your stay with your dd and sil. The amounts your mention plus the shopping are more than reasonable.
I do not want to be disrespectful towards your dd and sil but they seem unfeeling and lacking empathy towards your situation.
Try to take it day by day and soon you will be back home with your dogs.

MerylStreep Wed 21-Dec-22 09:01:25

What a very sad / awkward situation to be in. Is there no way that you could go home with support from friendly caring neighbours?

ShazzaKanazza Wed 21-Dec-22 09:04:40

I’m so sorry you are going through this grannygranby it’s brought a tear to my eye. I just hope you recover soon and can leave and go home. I can’t give you advice as I think you seem like you are contributing as much as you can. Just wanted to wish you well. 💐💐💐

Nanamary19 Wed 21-Dec-22 09:05:16

Oh, my heart goes out to you reading this, and I didn't want to pass without sending you a warm hug.
Hopefully, you're back to full mobility and in your home soon xx

Smileless2012 Wed 21-Dec-22 09:11:53

I'm not surprised you are feeling confused grannygranby and probably upset too. Reading your post was upsettingflowers.

dragonfly makes a good point about couples without children being set in their ways and not used to sharing their home with others.

You say your D's behaviour was better after you'd broken down and cried so it does look as if she and her H too, are unaware of how they come across.

It must feel like an eternity but this will come to an end when you're able to go home, so try and look forward to that happening, and in the mean time, take each day as it comes.

I'm sending you a BIG but gentle (((hug))).

FannyCornforth Wed 21-Dec-22 09:19:20

What a very sad situation GGranby, no wonder you are upset.
I really do feel for you.
Like Dragonfly says, come on here for some company and to take your mind off things.
I hope that you are feeling much better soon with your arm, and that things improve a bit thanksbrew

Redhead56 Wed 21-Dec-22 09:23:08

It’s a difficult situation as you are used to your independence. You are bound to feel down because of the accident that goes with out saying. Your DD and SIL sound hard they may feel put up on not so much by you but your two dogs. It might just be too much for them. I am afraid you will have to put up with the situation as you don’t seem to have a choice.

Regarding remarks about greed etc let it go in one ear and out of the other they are rather tactless. It won’t be long until you can get around a bit more and gain more independence.

However your dog situation may need consideration how are you going to cope with them? You will get over your injury but you need upper body strength to handle the dogs. I know this from having owned two dogs in the past and had an injury. Give it some thought in the meantime look forward to getting better and going home.

Sparklefizz Wed 21-Dec-22 09:31:27

I'm so sorry to read your post Grannygranby. flowers and to hear how much pain you're in.

I have a daughter who can be sarcastic, bossy and spiteful, then other times she can be lovely, so I understand. It's so hard for you to be treading on eggshells in their home. No wonder you're upset. If you give any more money, make it clear to daughter's husband in case he doesn't know.

Is your daughter menopausal and irritable due to that? My daughter always had awful PMT which got to the point that I would keep a note of her cycle in my diary so as not to phone her and get my head bitten off.

I do hope your arm heals soon and you can get back to your own home. Meanwhile come onto to GN for support.

Sending positive healing vibes and a gentle hug. flowers

Oreo Wed 21-Dec-22 09:43:47

How bloody rotten for you Grannygranby
I bet you never stay there again, I wouldn’t. If you ever need care in the future arrange to go into a nursing home it will be worth paying for.
Meanwhile just stick it outflowers

annsixty Wed 21-Dec-22 09:45:03

I just feel so sad for you but I can’t offer any resolution .
My D is in her late 50’s and while I am sure we have a deep affection for each other the relationship can be fraught at times.
They have lived a whole other life and very often are different people to the children we brought up.
We just have to accept that and rub along, but being thrown together with you being very vulnerable is another ball game.
I hope you soon start to feel better and get back to you own

Yammy Wed 21-Dec-22 10:16:18

I feel so sorry for you it is awful to be somewhere that you don't feel welcome especially when you need help.
First I would try and disarm them with charm. Is your SIL manipulative behind your daughter,s back? I would say in front of him that you have put money twice into her account and offered to pay for other things so that he knows.
Perhaps your dogs are the problem are there kennels nearby? You could always offer to put them in and then cut down on the money you are giving your daughter. Or let them know you are looking into ways of going home with support so that you are not upsetting their routine.ASP. All subtle ways of letting them know what they are doing to you.
I would also ask for some easy food and water in your room if you were in the hospital you would have it. Who wants to go up and down stairs with a broken arm?
I think they need to be woken up to the fact that their actions and remarks are making you very uncomfortable and not helping with healing or getting your confidence back.
I'm afraid if it was me I would not be able to sit and take it all, but if you feel you have to, you need to get yourself as settled mentally as well as physically to cope with what sounds like a very set-in-the-ways couple who don't mind what they say to others. Lastly, are they like that with each other? If not ask why they are being so with you.
I think they need to know what they are doing and that you will be out as soon as you physically can. Unfortunately, I would not be able to stop myself from saying Elephants in the room never forget. They both need a rude

Luckygirl3 Wed 21-Dec-22 10:16:37

I am so sorry to hear of your accident - and you must be in so much pain.

I am frankly shocked by what you have told us about your DD - well maybe not so "D" at the moment.

They are of course doing you a favour by having you there, but favours should be freely given with kindness and sensitivity. Your DD is using your current vulnerability as an excuse to exert control over you and to be frankly unkind and rude. Some of the things she has said are just downright ill-mannered and wholly unacceptable to anyone, never mind your own mother.

I cannot imagine how uncomfortable you must feel in this unwelcoming situation.

Would you feel able to talk to them about it - to find out what they are happy for you to do (e.g. can you look in the fridge? - can't believe you are having to ask this! - and how much they would like to contribute financially.) If it was all out in the open it might feel more comfortable for you.

I think your DD is behaving disgracefully and this must feel very hurtful. When I am at any of my DDs' houses I do what I like - eat, drink, cook, get stuff out of drawers, whatever - they do not care.

How can someone be so stuck in their ways that they cannot adapt a bit - being kind and good-mannered is the least you might expect from them.

Can you research possibilities with care at home? You clearly have access to your phone which has enabled you to post here. Use it to research home dare possibilities, meal deliveries etc.

I hope you manage to find some way of re-establishing your valuable independence.

henetha Wed 21-Dec-22 10:25:20

I've always envied people with daughters, but it's not always perfect apparently. I feel so sorry for you. You are stuck in an impossible situation. My first reaction is to say that I would leave immediately, even if being at home is difficult. I would rather pay for help to come in than stay where I feel unwanted.
I do hope your injuries improve soon so that you can be independent again. Meanwhile, is there any way you could leave now? Or is that too difficult? I do wish you well as soon as possible. flowers

TillyTrotter Wed 21-Dec-22 10:33:01

I am so sad for the position you find yourself in Grannygranby. A fractured shoulder must be agony.
But the mental anguish from your DD and SIL’s treatment of you when you are a guest in their home is despicable.
Go back to your own home as soon as you safely can, and then have a word with them afterwards. You will feel less emotional by then. Please don’t upset yourself anymore - you are doing nothing wrong.
The problem is them.
A bouquet 💐 and a hug 🤗 for you. Get Well Soon. X.

Glorianny Wed 21-Dec-22 10:38:35

It sounds awful grannygranby I wonder if starting to plan your escape would help you feel better. Do you have access to a computer if so why not research what is available in your home area in the way of help? Could you change things in your home to get you back there sooner? Are there volunteer dog walkers who might help care for your dogs? Can you do an on-line shop to be delivered.
Perhaps if your DD realises you are planning to leave she will become more concerned and realise it isn't for ever. I hope you recover quickly and are soon happier and more settled.

NotSpaghetti Wed 21-Dec-22 10:41:13

Is it possible that your daughter is trying to get you more mobile?
Has she had a conversation with the medical team when she brought you home?
Is it possible that you keep going back to bed is scaring her that it's "all downhill" abd you will be there forever?

I think you need a gentle but honest conversation with her (and ideally with your son in law too) explaining what you can do for yourself, what you can do to contribute to the home and the finances you can/can't help with.

I say this kindly as my mother-in-law has had to stay here once a couple of years ago and it's really hard work to be honest. She is lovely and capable of doing things but frankly just SO slow that I was exhausted most of the time and found it easier to give her a task (potatoes, carrots, cheese sauce etc) and go away.
She is very able for 98m exercises every morning and lives alone still but time is time and when I was working it was easier to do everything myself. I know she wanted to help and I do hope I was never snappy but had it been my mother rather than my husband's mother I think I would have been.

Maybe you can do the "helping" whilst they are out?
Presumably one arm is still functioning. Can you get a phone call through for an exercise sheet? Don't wait till January- start to get fit now so you will get home!

NotSpaghetti Wed 21-Dec-22 10:51:49

Please get hold of the community physio team today. You are 3 weeks in already. Ask for at least a sheet of exercises to get you through to January as you will be losing muscle day by day.
I know you will regret it if you don't.

Good luck. 💐

Oldbat1 Wed 21-Dec-22 11:00:33

I’m so sorry to read this. I wouldn’t want to stay with them under those circumstances. What is the matter with them commenting on you looking in the fridge - how ridiculous and hurtful to you. Trouble is you’re prob not up to fighting your corner currently. I would be so desperate to escape asap and try to organise my own carers if necessary. Easier said than done but I would be searching online local groups where you live. During lockdown were there folk supporting those in need? I walked a local persons dog for her others collected medication and others did her shopping. What is it with daughters? Friends seem to have issues with theirs too. One is a matron and is worse than useless at supporting my friend who is in heart failure. She is just not interested and has only been once just for half a hour! in the last six months. How miserable and sad for you. I hope things improve.

grannygranby Wed 21-Dec-22 11:00:43

Thank you all so much though it did bring me to tears, as sometimes sympathy can
I want it so much to be enjoyable but might have to withdraw a bit and yes I have contacted a person to help me with the dogs when I get home.
Unfortunately I live in a student area now and my neighbour's are very transient.
I have always found SIL difficult he is very possessive of my daughter’s attention and has always been distant emotionally so this is not easy arrangement. They are both harsh with each other and yet joined at the hip.
The time of year, the situation in the country with care services makes me feel like many of you said to hold on be stoical and mercifully it will come to an end. It’s so nice to get some sympathy I don’t feel so alone. She’s out now I know she’ll come back soon and start shouting at me and I will treat it,… I don’t know how to be honest. That’s the puzzle. Though I must say my dogs stay close to me and are loving, that does give me comfort. She has a dog too who loves them as they all go walking every day . She has three gardens and loves looking after dogs so that is not the big issue some might think. She does like control.
I’ll keep you updated. If I may it will be my sanity lifeline shamrocksmile[thanks

rosie1959 Wed 21-Dec-22 11:17:50

Sorry to hear of your situation it sounds difficult. But she is your daughter sit her down and talk to her ask her why things appear to be so fraught. Ask her is there anything you can do to improve the situation

blossom14 Wed 21-Dec-22 11:18:03

grannygranby I have great sympathy for your plight. When I was 67 I had a broken humerus and remember how extreme the pain was. It took a good few months to get back to fitness and I was at the gym regularly up until then. I found excercises in water helpful. Also as others have said there must be some early very very gentle excercises that are posted online.
As to the situation with your DD I have one who would very likely behave in the same way - 36 hours together is possibly her level of tolerence.
Do take good care of yourself.

Theexwife Wed 21-Dec-22 11:29:01

Could you go home and manage with a carer for an hour a day? The money you have already paid would have covered it so far.

There will be care agencies in your area or ask on Facebook for a carer with checkable references.