Staying with daughter really confused

Couple of links might have useful info:-
www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/
www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/care-after-a-hospital-stay/care-after-illness-or-hospital-discharge-reablement/

Honestly, you are all 'doing your best but struggling'. If they haven't had much pain it is hard to imagine the toll it takes - and how tired it makes you. You are not far from home. Can you talk to your doctor or local AgeUK about help/support? At the moment it is ALL down to DD and SIL. It will not be long before you can be at home (they could drive you if you get them covered on your car). Then - shopping - online, or they do it or another friend or neighbour, or phone and local delivery. And they visit to help with practicalities you need them for and dog walking - which will diminish with time. They may be finding it a strain never having their home to themselves regardless of how lovely you are - I know I am tense all the time with house guests. 3 days and I'm a wreck. I find it helps to remember a little plaque I saw saying 'Lord nothing will happen today that together we cannot cope with'. So far it's always been true!

I wonder if the care plan was properly discussed - what was needed, amount of time to stay at your daughter's, etc

I haven't read the whole thread as I'm working off my phone but am sending sympathy and hope your shoulder is recovering well. A shoulder injury or surgery is very disabling, painful and frustrating, I wore a sling for 6 weeks fo keep mine stable after an injury. Even getting dressed, going to the loo etc was difficult.
It sounds as if your SIL doesn't realise you have contributed to expenses.

Physio can be very helpful but not until your shoulder is fully mended.



Best wishes, get well soon.

I still think her "rudeness" has an element of tough-love.
She wants you better, mobile and back to normal.
Only YOU can do thst.

Get some physio instructions ASAP.
There are plenty even online.
Don't just wait!
Most shoulder fractures heal in about six weeks. You are already week 4!

In the UK under the care act 2014 you are entitled to a Needs assessment from Adult Social Care, if the relationship with your daughter is breaking down immediately this can be done as an emergency even on BHs. You may have to accept a temporary residential placement until homecare is sorted out, but IMHO that would be better than staying with your daughter. The dogs would be likely to have to go into kennels with either RSPCA or local authority but you can get them back when your care needs are sorted out. I'm so sorry that you are suffering in this way xx

I simply wouldn't put up with it - or stay where I didn't feel welcome. I'd be out of there and back home, with support arranged through the GP.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My daughter currently has a broken shoulder and I know the agony she has been in. She’s three month in and is starting see signs of healing and getting more movement. I’ve had 4 shoulder dislocations- not quite as bad as a break but virtually immobilised me with the pain, so you have my sympathy

I bet the stress and worry of being at your daughter and SILs house isn’t helping your shoulder to heal nor is the worrying that you and your dogs aren’t wanted there.

Is there any way at all you could go back home and get support from friends or relatives or pay for dog walkers some support from carers. Your GP practice may have some temporary provision available. It’s a long time ago but I remember my mum who was a home help going to a person who’d badly broken her arm. Even the local church (if you’re involved with them) maybe able to help you. Perhaps today discuss options with your daughter and son while they’re visiting.

I really hope you can find a way through this
You have my sympathies the shoulder break is an awful thing to have happened to you and then to get such stress and lack of support from your daughter and SIL

Sparklefizz - how I can relate to your making a note of your DDs hormones. I mentally do the same with mine. I find with both my AC that they seem to think I should be able to do things I did when I was young and accuse me of being slow or forgetful. I think it can be hard for them seeing us getting old. I was the same with my Mum - always telling her to pull herself together and that she should still be able to do the garden etc and getting frustrated with her. Now of course I realise she couldn't do those things. Also some people have more patience than others so it's how we're made I guess. Your DDs life has been interrupted and she's finding it stressful. I don't think it's really a reflection on you.

It is so hard to know what to advise you.

Basically, I think, you either have to try and not mind your daughter and son-in-law's manner, which won't make you feel better, but probably will keep the peace, or else you have to query some of the statements made.

For example, why is your daughter calling you lazy? She surely can't be expecting you to help with housework with those injuries? Does she mean that you are not doing what your doctor has said you could? Or that there are tasks you could help with, but haven't offered to?

If your dogs can digest the food given, then I would say nothing, unless she is accustoming them to food that you won't be able to afford when you move home.

The digs about your not asking her brother for help, can and should be replied to by you. He has enough on his plate, seemingly. How does she expect him to cope with more? Did she offer or was she pressurized into saying you could stay with them?

I would ask her nicely not to shout at you, but to sit down and in a normal tone of voice tell you what you have done to upset her.

It is obvious to me that she is behaving now in a manner that you would not have let her do growing up. Presumably, she and her husband have fallen into this form of communication, but that does not mean you have to put up with it.

Seems you are stuck grannygrannby for a little while longer. Glad your Christmas was better than you thought it might be and you have ds visiting today.

If you are still in great pain have you discussed with the medics if you could have some stronger pain killers although obviously you don’t want to become dependent on them? I have a dd who can be lovely one minute but a raging termagent another which practically reduces me to tears and makes me feel depressed, so I’m sure with your shoulder hurting you are going to feel very low.

Perhaps it might help if you showed you are grateful to dd and sil by sending them some flowers saying so, or buy a bottle of their favourite drink, with a card saying thank you. Thank everyone you see and say how wonderful they are and how appreciative you are. It might make them feel incredibly mean and cause them to behave in a better way. It may not, of course.

I feel so upset for you and I m sure your daughter is good at heart and loves you ( which shows in her care getting you to hospital quickly) but ….
Here is your answer * I have always found SIL difficult he is very possessive of my daughter’s attention and has always been distant emotionally so this is not easy arrangement*
She is trying to placate you both and you are the easiest one to hurt as she knows you ll always be there for her no matter what whereas she may have a tougher time from the husband

I would leave asap even if you have to pay someone to help you make a room easier for you (ie bed downstairs if a downstairs loo etc etc ) have you got a decent garden the dogs can romp in for a few weeks, if not pay a student to take them for a walk on their leads (students always need money) and if they are big strong dogs maybe pay someone to walk with you the first few times you go out Students may seem awful on masse but there are some very kind kids around and a bit of money will always be helpful as you live in a student area

I think for what’s it’s worth your daughter wanted to look after you but has taken a lot of stick from him indoors about her time money care dogs etc
Mother daughter relationships can be tough and as we get older we can feel the roles are getting reversed
Summing up
I don’t think you’re daughter is unloving of you ❤️
I do think she is husband lead🤬
I think for all involved go home asap even if you are worried you won’t manage…. you will you know 🙏

grannygranby - and everyone - for future reference - I'd like you all to be aware of the reablement/intermediate care support available. It's free of charge, whatever your circumstances - and everyone is entitled to it:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/care-services-equipment-and-care-homes/care-and-support-you-can-get-for-free/#:~:text=You%20may%20be%20eligible%20for,independent%20as%20you%20were%20before.

I wanted to cry when I read your post and I am deeply sorry that you are having to go through so much crap with your daughter and her husband. That horrible incident with the cheese. I havent seen or spoken to my daughter in over 8 years. She is a bossy thing as well. All I can say is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel when you get better and go home. Sending you love and hugs and hope you can stay strong.

It's good to hear that things have been more relaxed for you over Christmas. There is much good advice here from those who've already posted. May I just add something, based on my recent experience of surgery?

As I recovered from open heart surgery in hospital, we were expected to be out of bed from breakfast onwards. One lady repeatedly returned to her bed but was told that this was not a good idea. I presume this was because of the risk of blood clots. Although physio exercises may not be appropriate for you yet, perhaps you need to become more mobile for the sake of the muscles in your limbs.

I hope the pleasanter atmosphere pervades after the Christmas festivities and wish you luck with your recovery. Meanwhile, is it possible to get some advice on managing the pain from your shoulder? Being in constant pain must be very wearing for you and won't help matters.

Could you go home and arrange a private carer to come in as needed? Or a cleaner who would also be able to help getting in bits of shopping? You could also order online.

I know in the same circumstances I would be out from under my relative's feet as soon as possible because I would hate living in someone elses house.

I had to spend a couple of weeks living with a nephew in his flat for a couple of weeks some years ago. I had my own bedroom and spent a lot of time in there on the computer. I also took myself out of the house for a couple of hours each day, even if it was only to walk around the area. It gave us both some private time and headspace.

Are you sufficiently able to go home now do you think?

Thanks so much for advice aptly taken. Things have calmed down and Christmas was fine with lots of relations on SIL side so everyone behaved better.
Shoulder still very bad and painful which is worrying not
Sleeping tired, I think these crises take some getting used to. They are not going to quickly get better with all the will in the world. Tomorrow my son and family will be visiting so pretty full on.
Thanks for all understanding and giving me strength xxxx

So sorry for your plight. The trouble is that children can take over when the parent is in need as you are. I saw my brother get bossy with my parents when the situation arose. He loved them and would do anything for them but frustration would arise. I did not behave like that and found that quiet discussions with them was accepted. However, we are all different. Just ride this out, get home as soon as poss and check out help with your dogs. There are plenty of dog walkers/ carers around. The dogs will thank you for their walks and they will be more settled for you as you recover. I hurt my shoulder once and have never forgotten the pain. So sorry for you.

Fleurpepper

3 weeks is a long time. So make plans to leave soon after Christmas, go back home with help on a daily basis and physio. Leave on good terms- but perhaps think about your will too!

I agree with Fleur. You need to leave after Christmas. Not because you have done anything wrong - you haven't - but because the situation is not working out and it's not good for any of you. Ask you dd and sil to help you make arrangements to move home. Perhaps they could be prevailed upon to keep your dogs for a little while longer?

3 weeks is a long time. So make plans to leave soon after Christmas, go back home with help on a daily basis and physio. Leave on good terms- but perhaps think about your will too!

Do you have any friends or close relatives i.e. a sister who you could stay with? So you have any savings where you could check yourself into a care home for a few weeks? I would most certainly not tolerate that kind of behaviour from my daughter and my dear mother would have torn a strip off me if I had behaved like that towards her. Perhaps its time for a bit of honesty with both your children, son in law and daughter in law. They sound very self entitled and I ask myself why should we tread lightly around our children to keep the peace.

When I had my knee replaced I began physio within 10 days. If affordable maybe begin physio now (I know yours is not a knee, but equal in pain).

We have 3 small very demanding dogs requiring a lot of exercise. Care for them after my surgery (and after husband's same surgery a year later) was difficult for quite a few months, though we had help. Perhaps make sure you have adequate help with your dog for when you move home?

I am sorry to hear of your accident. Since your daughter loves the dogs, I wonder if you could get by at home and leave the dogs with her. If you are not going out, but can wash, perhaps just wear fresh nightclothes twice a day, skip the bra and keep warm with a heated throw (heat might also help the pain). Very loose tops to ease dressing. Online order of ready meals and snacks. This is compromise for you both. Come back for more support. Others have suggested gentle exercise. It is important not to stiffen up. 💐

In the line of biglouis' thoughts

1. Was it discussed in the hospital how long recovery would take?
2. How long you would stay there?
3. What your needs would be?
4. How often did you give them money?
It may seem a big amount to you but depending on what their expenses have increased, may not be enough (hard to say with info given)

3 weeks is a long time to stay as a guest in anybody's home (for whatever reason and DNA link involved) so it is natural frictions are beginning to happen

Why would you think you can influence what and when they eat?
It is their home

You also say your sil seems jealous of you as he wants his wife's attention - How much time is she dedicating to you that could be preventing them from doing their usual routine?

It is not up to you to approve or not how they talk to each other (harshly or not), it is their marriage.
You clearly judge them there and not approve of it.
What other situations do you feel like that and they may feel your disapproval

Staying at your daughter's is no longer working out
I would honestly look for other arrangements and get out of there - a good and positive place helps with recovery and healing