Staying with daughter really confused

Sorry - ignore don't in the first sentence of my above post.

Many people don't find it hard having anyone, however closely related, staying in their home for even a few days, let alone long term.
Sadly, if its part of DD and/or SIL's character now, I doubt very much that anything you say or do is likely to improve the situation. Quite the opposite in fact - anything you say, any perceived criticism, is likely to make them even more resentful of your presence.

I'm sorry, OP, and I honestly dont think you have done a thing wrong, but I really do think that you need to make other arrangements as soon as possible for both your sake and theirs.

Good post luluaugust

When my mum was in her 90's I once was worried and ( a little bit ) cross with her for not eating . She filled up and said please don't shout at me ( I didn't shout, just said something ). But to this day, long after she has died I can't forget that moment.
Just saying grannygranby, your daughter might not realise how sensitive parents can feel when poorly and reliant on them, although she should have got the message when you cried.
Best wishes, hope you get well soon , please keep posting if you need to.

What a difficult situation for you, I am sorry. I wouldn't go looking for physio before January, even if you could get it. I had a broken arm and shoulder and had to wait six weeks before physio and then very gentle exercises, so do be careful.
If no opportunity occurs beforehand you could talk to the physio when you see them, you definitely need a planned way out of your situation.
I know its not always true but I do think younger people even 50 year olds have difficulty appreciating the problems of old age, I know I did. I know better now.
Take care of yourself and if you feel you can stand up for yourself a bit do.

Maybe your DD is right in a way. Maybe you should ask your son for help. ask a busy person and all that
At least he should know that not everything in the garden is rosy.
I would be planning my escape.
My DD can be horrible to me too and it makes me nervous walking on eggshells.
I blame it on hormones.

I hope you can stick it out but it sounds unbearable with the pain of fractures as well as grudging hosts
Do you have a friend who could put you up?

When I was a child my mother once told me "You are a guest in this house until you begin to pay your way." Even once I began to pay my way I still felt like a guest!

Unfortunately when you live in someone elses home - by choice or not - it is their rules. I would never have taken my own mother in and I hated having to stay in my parents house for any reason, once having left it. I even hated having to stay there for the christmas holidays because as a non driver I was stuck there for three days.

As for the fridge incident I would never have dreamed of taking anything from someone elses fridge without checking/asking first. Even as an adult I would not have just taken things from the fridge or cupboard during a visit unless my host invited me to help myself. At the same time my young nephews used to go and takes crisps, ice cream etc without a moments thought. It must be a generational thing.

On a practical level, if you can afford it, I would book a private physio appointment, so you can be shown some exercises that will help while you wait for the NHS.

I would also, if you felt able, have a conversation with your daughter and son-in-law together, along the lines of ‘I realise we should have discussed expectations, my contribution to costs etc, before, but better late than never. This is what I suggest (and be clear what you are asking and offering, eg a set sum per week to cover your/dog food, a contribution towards an extra utilities, a couple of quid for petrol if you are regularly getting lifts; how much time you will spend with them/in your room; what jobs around the place you can realistically do; and so on), is that acceptable? If not, what do you suggest?’

I’d also be talking to your GP about getting some care support, which would make your life easier and free up some of your daughter’s time, presumably.

And on an emotional level, if any child of mine shouted at me, they’d get the sharp edge of my tongue. Honestly, just tell her, as you would any other rude boor, that it’s unacceptable, that you have no intention of engaging with her when she shouts or speaks rudely to you, but you’ll listen when she treats you with some common courtesy. And mean it.

Could you go home and manage with a carer for an hour a day? The money you have already paid would have covered it so far.

There will be care agencies in your area or ask on Facebook for a carer with checkable references.

grannygranby I have great sympathy for your plight. When I was 67 I had a broken humerus and remember how extreme the pain was. It took a good few months to get back to fitness and I was at the gym regularly up until then. I found excercises in water helpful. Also as others have said there must be some early very very gentle excercises that are posted online.
As to the situation with your DD I have one who would very likely behave in the same way - 36 hours together is possibly her level of tolerence.
Do take good care of yourself.

Sorry to hear of your situation it sounds difficult. But she is your daughter sit her down and talk to her ask her why things appear to be so fraught. Ask her is there anything you can do to improve the situation

Thank you all so much though it did bring me to tears, as sometimes sympathy can
I want it so much to be enjoyable but might have to withdraw a bit and yes I have contacted a person to help me with the dogs when I get home.
Unfortunately I live in a student area now and my neighbour's are very transient.
I have always found SIL difficult he is very possessive of my daughter’s attention and has always been distant emotionally so this is not easy arrangement. They are both harsh with each other and yet joined at the hip.
The time of year, the situation in the country with care services makes me feel like many of you said to hold on be stoical and mercifully it will come to an end. It’s so nice to get some sympathy I don’t feel so alone. She’s out now I know she’ll come back soon and start shouting at me and I will treat it,… I don’t know how to be honest. That’s the puzzle. Though I must say my dogs stay close to me and are loving, that does give me comfort. She has a dog too who loves them as they all go walking every day . She has three gardens and loves looking after dogs so that is not the big issue some might think. She does like control.
I’ll keep you updated. If I may it will be my sanity lifeline [

I’m so sorry to read this. I wouldn’t want to stay with them under those circumstances. What is the matter with them commenting on you looking in the fridge - how ridiculous and hurtful to you. Trouble is you’re prob not up to fighting your corner currently. I would be so desperate to escape asap and try to organise my own carers if necessary. Easier said than done but I would be searching online local groups where you live. During lockdown were there folk supporting those in need? I walked a local persons dog for her others collected medication and others did her shopping. What is it with daughters? Friends seem to have issues with theirs too. One is a matron and is worse than useless at supporting my friend who is in heart failure. She is just not interested and has only been once just for half a hour! in the last six months. How miserable and sad for you. I hope things improve.

Please get hold of the community physio team today. You are 3 weeks in already. Ask for at least a sheet of exercises to get you through to January as you will be losing muscle day by day.
I know you will regret it if you don't.

Good luck. 💐

Is it possible that your daughter is trying to get you more mobile?
Has she had a conversation with the medical team when she brought you home?
Is it possible that you keep going back to bed is scaring her that it's "all downhill" abd you will be there forever?

I think you need a gentle but honest conversation with her (and ideally with your son in law too) explaining what you can do for yourself, what you can do to contribute to the home and the finances you can/can't help with.

I say this kindly as my mother-in-law has had to stay here once a couple of years ago and it's really hard work to be honest. She is lovely and capable of doing things but frankly just SO slow that I was exhausted most of the time and found it easier to give her a task (potatoes, carrots, cheese sauce etc) and go away.
She is very able for 98m exercises every morning and lives alone still but time is time and when I was working it was easier to do everything myself. I know she wanted to help and I do hope I was never snappy but had it been my mother rather than my husband's mother I think I would have been.

Maybe you can do the "helping" whilst they are out?
Presumably one arm is still functioning. Can you get a phone call through for an exercise sheet? Don't wait till January- start to get fit now so you will get home!

It sounds awful grannygranby I wonder if starting to plan your escape would help you feel better. Do you have access to a computer if so why not research what is available in your home area in the way of help? Could you change things in your home to get you back there sooner? Are there volunteer dog walkers who might help care for your dogs? Can you do an on-line shop to be delivered.
Perhaps if your DD realises you are planning to leave she will become more concerned and realise it isn't for ever. I hope you recover quickly and are soon happier and more settled.

I am so sad for the position you find yourself in Grannygranby. A fractured shoulder must be agony.
But the mental anguish from your DD and SIL’s treatment of you when you are a guest in their home is despicable.
Go back to your own home as soon as you safely can, and then have a word with them afterwards. You will feel less emotional by then. Please don’t upset yourself anymore - you are doing nothing wrong.
The problem is them.
A bouquet 💐 and a hug 🤗 for you. Get Well Soon. X.

I've always envied people with daughters, but it's not always perfect apparently. I feel so sorry for you. You are stuck in an impossible situation. My first reaction is to say that I would leave immediately, even if being at home is difficult. I would rather pay for help to come in than stay where I feel unwanted.
I do hope your injuries improve soon so that you can be independent again. Meanwhile, is there any way you could leave now? Or is that too difficult? I do wish you well as soon as possible.

I am so sorry to hear of your accident - and you must be in so much pain.

I am frankly shocked by what you have told us about your DD - well maybe not so "D" at the moment.

They are of course doing you a favour by having you there, but favours should be freely given with kindness and sensitivity. Your DD is using your current vulnerability as an excuse to exert control over you and to be frankly unkind and rude. Some of the things she has said are just downright ill-mannered and wholly unacceptable to anyone, never mind your own mother.

I cannot imagine how uncomfortable you must feel in this unwelcoming situation.

Would you feel able to talk to them about it - to find out what they are happy for you to do (e.g. can you look in the fridge? - can't believe you are having to ask this! - and how much they would like to contribute financially.) If it was all out in the open it might feel more comfortable for you.

I think your DD is behaving disgracefully and this must feel very hurtful. When I am at any of my DDs' houses I do what I like - eat, drink, cook, get stuff out of drawers, whatever - they do not care.

How can someone be so stuck in their ways that they cannot adapt a bit - being kind and good-mannered is the least you might expect from them.

Can you research possibilities with care at home? You clearly have access to your phone which has enabled you to post here. Use it to research home dare possibilities, meal deliveries etc.

I hope you manage to find some way of re-establishing your valuable independence.

I feel so sorry for you it is awful to be somewhere that you don't feel welcome especially when you need help.
First I would try and disarm them with charm. Is your SIL manipulative behind your daughter,s back? I would say in front of him that you have put money twice into her account and offered to pay for other things so that he knows.
Perhaps your dogs are the problem are there kennels nearby? You could always offer to put them in and then cut down on the money you are giving your daughter. Or let them know you are looking into ways of going home with support so that you are not upsetting their routine.ASP. All subtle ways of letting them know what they are doing to you.
I would also ask for some easy food and water in your room if you were in the hospital you would have it. Who wants to go up and down stairs with a broken arm?
I think they need to be woken up to the fact that their actions and remarks are making you very uncomfortable and not helping with healing or getting your confidence back.
I'm afraid if it was me I would not be able to sit and take it all, but if you feel you have to, you need to get yourself as settled mentally as well as physically to cope with what sounds like a very set-in-the-ways couple who don't mind what they say to others. Lastly, are they like that with each other? If not ask why they are being so with you.
I think they need to know what they are doing and that you will be out as soon as you physically can. Unfortunately, I would not be able to stop myself from saying Elephants in the room never forget. They both need a rude awakening.

I just feel so sad for you but I can’t offer any resolution .
My D is in her late 50’s and while I am sure we have a deep affection for each other the relationship can be fraught at times.
They have lived a whole other life and very often are different people to the children we brought up.
We just have to accept that and rub along, but being thrown together with you being very vulnerable is another ball game.
I hope you soon start to feel better and get back to you own home.

How bloody rotten for you Grannygranby
I bet you never stay there again, I wouldn’t. If you ever need care in the future arrange to go into a nursing home it will be worth paying for.
Meanwhile just stick it out

I'm so sorry to read your post Grannygranby. and to hear how much pain you're in.

I have a daughter who can be sarcastic, bossy and spiteful, then other times she can be lovely, so I understand. It's so hard for you to be treading on eggshells in their home. No wonder you're upset. If you give any more money, make it clear to daughter's husband in case he doesn't know.

Is your daughter menopausal and irritable due to that? My daughter always had awful PMT which got to the point that I would keep a note of her cycle in my diary so as not to phone her and get my head bitten off.

I do hope your arm heals soon and you can get back to your own home. Meanwhile come onto to GN for support.

Sending positive healing vibes and a gentle hug.

It’s a difficult situation as you are used to your independence. You are bound to feel down because of the accident that goes with out saying. Your DD and SIL sound hard they may feel put up on not so much by you but your two dogs. It might just be too much for them. I am afraid you will have to put up with the situation as you don’t seem to have a choice.

Regarding remarks about greed etc let it go in one ear and out of the other they are rather tactless. It won’t be long until you can get around a bit more and gain more independence.

However your dog situation may need consideration how are you going to cope with them? You will get over your injury but you need upper body strength to handle the dogs. I know this from having owned two dogs in the past and had an injury. Give it some thought in the meantime look forward to getting better and going home.

What a very sad situation GGranby, no wonder you are upset.
I really do feel for you.
Like Dragonfly says, come on here for some company and to take your mind off things.
I hope that you are feeling much better soon with your arm, and that things improve a bit