Advice needed please..Difficult daughter at Christmas

It's amazing anyone would say this because it seems very invalidating, but accusing someone of wanting attention isn't always accurate. Sometimes people have genuine problems and are acting out of pain.

My Mother would always invalidate me and tell people I wanted attention, when I had actual problems and have never wanted "Attention". If anyone is an attention seeker it is her. I have suffered medical negligence and almost died because she told people not to help me because I was an attention seeker. The reality was that I was in agony and I came close to dying from an unforseen condition.

Ignoring an issue because you do not want to hear it does not change it. Brushing off something or someone as "Attention seeking" doesn't help. Even if they are, then why? What made them that way? What is lacking in them that they are reaching out to be loved and helped? Why cannot you hear them?

Casdon

If she was my daughter I wouldn’t ban her, but neither would I speak to her about it, and I’d advise your son not to either. She’s looking for attention I think, and the less attention you pay the quicker she’ll get the message. I wouldn’t ask her if she’s going to your son or your other daughter for Christmas either, I’d leave her to stew. As your granddaughter is 15 she’s old enough to have an explanation, she’ll understand I’m sure.

Good advice here.

Maybe something traumatizing happened and Christmas is triggering?

She needs help, but wait til New Year when the decorations are put away and she might be more relaxed to open up.

I agree that she needs help but she is denying she does. I will discuss it with her again. She often talks about what others do about their own mental health so I know she thinks about it. We all show our love to her and we are loathe to upset her further. Christmas Day went without a “wobble” and she enjoyed herself. Unfortunately she is now poorly with a virus so was too unwell to come to her brothers which was sad but at least we were spared unpleasantness. Thank you for your interest I too think she has a deep rooted problem.

Every behaviour has a reason and it’s really not that helpful to say as some posters have ‘she’s just like a spoilt teenager’ Something deep inside is making her behave this way and she needs help
You say it’s ok at her sisters but not her brothers so there s some hidden (to you) reason she sounds as if she has complex problems and would benefit from counselling or some mental health treatment I would imagine there’s much more heartbreak behind this than just the fact they are married and she isnt

Carry on loving her but not loving her behaviour

Christmas with all its forced meetings is a huge problem to some people

Tell her point blank that either she behaves herself when visiting you when the rest of the family are present, or she comes on her own.

If she persists in behaving like a spoilt teenager instead of an adult, fine, but why let her spoil things for you, her brother and his children?

That must have been miserable for you. I know lots of parents argue at Christmas which is rotten for the children. Myself and my husband divorced when she was small and as far as I’m aware she didn’t witness any dramas. She usually really enjoys Christmas at her sisters and fully enters the spirit of it but only after turning up very late whereby I know she’s been upset and trying to get herself together. She’s different at her brothers house though and is rude, ungaging etc. etc. but basically having a wobble. I do stay out of it but I do feel for her and also my son who carries on trying to please her. Anyway I must try to stop worrying about her for now and just make the most of Christmas with my lovely family.

nannycake you say you are a single parent but I do wonder if there is something that happened in past Christmases that upset her. It took me years to realise that I didn't really dislike Christmas, but I was on edge all the time just before it. The reason? My parents always had a huge row just before Christmas and often didn't speak to each other until Boxing Day, and even years after that stopped I was still waiting for that row every Christmas. Christmas may be the season of goodwill but it stirs up negative emotions.

I agree with welbeck, so I'd be inclined to ignore any difficult behaviour - as far as possible. If she's sulky and refuses to sit at the table, I'd find that quite easy to ignore. It may be that she really needs to be there but just finds it impossible to join in. Show her understanding and affection rather than any nagging to conform.

well i don't know the dynamics obviously, but if a person serves themselves from what is available, that would be best.
it's up to them whether they eat it or not.
if she declines the chair brought, that is up to her too.
i guess she can find somewhere else to sit.
we don't know what she is dealing with, how things seem to her; they may be v difficult, in ways others can't understand.
i would try to treat her with respect, rather than demanding conformity.

I agree with Grandmabatty. This latest upset is between your DD and her brother. As adults, it is for them to sort out. I would take a step back and certainly would not play into her game by pandering to her attention seeking performance.

I hope it will be resolved and not spoil Christmas for you nannycake.

I think she needs some professional counselling, she's clearly not happy.

Ok I can only give you advice on what will happen if you don;t stand up to her, it will get worse and worse. Lets just say there was someone like this in our family and we all trod on eggshells and no one said anything as not to cause any more upset than they were already causing. Fast forward 25 years their behaviour is abusive and still not called out and they make everything that should be pleasurable miserable. Tackle it now, get it over and done with and let her sulk if necessary. She needs to apologise and be aware of how her behaviour impacts on others

She has committed to her Sisters meal on Christmas Day just not her Brothers.

Yes Glorianny I believe yourre right about the build up of negative emotions. Her and I have spoken about our family meals just once, not blaming her for anything but trying to understand. Because of work commitments our getogethers only last for a few hours and they are every three months so there is no time for someone to take her for a walk. She’s not interested in going with me! As for her behaviour at mealtimes she will arrive very late push her food around the plate and leave it (hers sibs always check with her what she would like) a chair was got for her and she refused to sit on it. She will sometimes ignore my sons daughters. Not one of us will say anything because we don’t want to upset her! Ridiculous as this sounds. She knows she is loved and that we worry about her. I have spent hours helping her manage anxiety and her sibs have but despite this she manages her work and social life.
I’m not going to speak to here before Christmas but will do if she rings me. I’d like to have a walk with her before our Christmas Day meal but I doubt she will let me. She did tell me that she loves it when her siblings and I get together as it reminds her of them all growing up together. So sorry I’ve gone on.

what are the arguments about, how does she start them.
you all need to think of this, to be prepared and not to engage in negativity.
use some other technique.
if she says
you are all hideous, a bunch of snobs, or slobs maybe just say in a calm tone,
you are probably right.
don't react by abusing her, or mocking her.

Just give her a hug. The best advice.

You say she is refusing to commit, but I wonder if really she doesn't know herself what she will do at Christmas. Perhaps the emotional turmoil of wanting to be a part of it but seeing her siblings' families and regretting she hasn't one is too much for her, so she avoids thinking about it. When she does decide to join you perhaps all the negative emotions overwhelm her and she lashes out.
I wonder how you are trying to talk to her. Perhaps you are just pointing out to her the inadequacies she already sees in herself, but doesn't want to admit to. As for the arguments as I told my children when they were little it takes two to make one so just blaming her doesn't really seem fair. Could you just suggest to her siblings that they refuse to engage, and move away from her when she starts one? Or they just give her a hug.
Perhaps as well family mealtimes are when she feels how different she is. Why not simply allow her to eat when she wants to? Maybe as well she needs to have regular time away from the family and with you, take her for walks on her own and/or get her siblings to do the same.

Having been through many family occasions where there have been differences of opinion for one reason or another.
We created a rule whereby - you had to leave your troubles and issues at the door and collect them on your way out!!
Peace reigns for the duration of the event and everyone remains cool and friendly!

Of she will be asked to leave.

Thank you for listening and for your helpful comments. None of us want to ban her because we don’t want her to be on her own at Christmas. I agree she is behaving childishly and so I’m going to let her stew and not talk to her while she is trying to cause arguments. I think as a family we’ve allowed this behaviour to continue so in future she is going to be told to stop it by “nipping it in the bud”, she might react badly but if she can’t control her tongue no doubt she’ll leave.

*invited

Apologies, I just realised that it is not your house that she is inviter to. In that case, I'd say nothing.

It seems to me as if she is projecting her (being single) unhappiness on to other people.

I'd "go with the flow", I wouldn't ban her, but I'd (state the facts) tell her how difficult it is for everyone when she has a tantrum (because that's what it is) and should she feel she's going to do that, it would be better if she left so that the rest of the day can carry on.

And if she starts, just say "We spoke about this, off you go, we'll catch up with you again another time".

I'm always sorry for people when Christmas is a difficult time. So much pressure for one day .

Xmas is overrated

Drop the rope.
Do not talk to her or add wood to this fire

This is between your daughter and her brother.
Leave it alone. More cooks in the kitchen make everything worse

Enjoy Xmas dinner with the family that attends