Advice needed please..Difficult daughter at Christmas

Just tell her you love her but not her behaviour.
Ask her to end it so the family can be strong again. Hull

Hull???? Gremlins at work!

Why are you going to talk to her? It's an issue for her brother to deal with I would have thought. Keep out of sibling rivalry but speak to her if she's rude to you.

Ban her.
This is ridiculous behaviour from a woman in her forties, refusing to sit down and eat, deliberately spoiling a family gathering and upsetting younger members of her family. You have tolerated it far too long.

I would tell her to rein her neck in and behave herself or spend Christmas by herself. Very childish behaviour for a 40 year old!

Either just assume she is coming and then ALL of you completely ignore her behaviour and flatly refuse to be drawn into an argument OR her brother tells her she is not invited because her behaviour ruins it for everyone and he will not have that happen in his house!! . As soon as an argument potential is brewing everyone involved says they will not discuss it further and chat to each other. I actually think she is acting like a child and needs to be treated rather like one ...ignore bad behaviour, be positive when behaviour is appropriate!!

If she was my daughter I wouldn’t ban her, but neither would I speak to her about it, and I’d advise your son not to either. She’s looking for attention I think, and the less attention you pay the quicker she’ll get the message. I wouldn’t ask her if she’s going to your son or your other daughter for Christmas either, I’d leave her to stew. As your granddaughter is 15 she’s old enough to have an explanation, she’ll understand I’m sure.

She sounds like an attention seeking child maybe don't invite her. She might then realise how tiresome her behaviour is to the family.

Xmas is overrated

Drop the rope.
Do not talk to her or add wood to this fire

This is between your daughter and her brother.
Leave it alone. More cooks in the kitchen make everything worse

Enjoy Xmas dinner with the family that attends

It seems to me as if she is projecting her (being single) unhappiness on to other people.

I'd "go with the flow", I wouldn't ban her, but I'd (state the facts) tell her how difficult it is for everyone when she has a tantrum (because that's what it is) and should she feel she's going to do that, it would be better if she left so that the rest of the day can carry on.

And if she starts, just say "We spoke about this, off you go, we'll catch up with you again another time".

I'm always sorry for people when Christmas is a difficult time. So much pressure for one day .

Apologies, I just realised that it is not your house that she is inviter to. In that case, I'd say nothing.

*invited

Thank you for listening and for your helpful comments. None of us want to ban her because we don’t want her to be on her own at Christmas. I agree she is behaving childishly and so I’m going to let her stew and not talk to her while she is trying to cause arguments. I think as a family we’ve allowed this behaviour to continue so in future she is going to be told to stop it by “nipping it in the bud”, she might react badly but if she can’t control her tongue no doubt she’ll leave.

Of she will be asked to leave.

Having been through many family occasions where there have been differences of opinion for one reason or another.
We created a rule whereby - you had to leave your troubles and issues at the door and collect them on your way out!!
Peace reigns for the duration of the event and everyone remains cool and friendly!

You say she is refusing to commit, but I wonder if really she doesn't know herself what she will do at Christmas. Perhaps the emotional turmoil of wanting to be a part of it but seeing her siblings' families and regretting she hasn't one is too much for her, so she avoids thinking about it. When she does decide to join you perhaps all the negative emotions overwhelm her and she lashes out.
I wonder how you are trying to talk to her. Perhaps you are just pointing out to her the inadequacies she already sees in herself, but doesn't want to admit to. As for the arguments as I told my children when they were little it takes two to make one so just blaming her doesn't really seem fair. Could you just suggest to her siblings that they refuse to engage, and move away from her when she starts one? Or they just give her a hug.
Perhaps as well family mealtimes are when she feels how different she is. Why not simply allow her to eat when she wants to? Maybe as well she needs to have regular time away from the family and with you, take her for walks on her own and/or get her siblings to do the same.

Just give her a hug. The best advice.

what are the arguments about, how does she start them.
you all need to think of this, to be prepared and not to engage in negativity.
use some other technique.
if she says
you are all hideous, a bunch of snobs, or slobs maybe just say in a calm tone,
you are probably right.
don't react by abusing her, or mocking her.

Yes Glorianny I believe yourre right about the build up of negative emotions. Her and I have spoken about our family meals just once, not blaming her for anything but trying to understand. Because of work commitments our getogethers only last for a few hours and they are every three months so there is no time for someone to take her for a walk. She’s not interested in going with me! As for her behaviour at mealtimes she will arrive very late push her food around the plate and leave it (hers sibs always check with her what she would like) a chair was got for her and she refused to sit on it. She will sometimes ignore my sons daughters. Not one of us will say anything because we don’t want to upset her! Ridiculous as this sounds. She knows she is loved and that we worry about her. I have spent hours helping her manage anxiety and her sibs have but despite this she manages her work and social life.
I’m not going to speak to here before Christmas but will do if she rings me. I’d like to have a walk with her before our Christmas Day meal but I doubt she will let me. She did tell me that she loves it when her siblings and I get together as it reminds her of them all growing up together. So sorry I’ve gone on.

She has committed to her Sisters meal on Christmas Day just not her Brothers.

Ok I can only give you advice on what will happen if you don;t stand up to her, it will get worse and worse. Lets just say there was someone like this in our family and we all trod on eggshells and no one said anything as not to cause any more upset than they were already causing. Fast forward 25 years their behaviour is abusive and still not called out and they make everything that should be pleasurable miserable. Tackle it now, get it over and done with and let her sulk if necessary. She needs to apologise and be aware of how her behaviour impacts on others

I think she needs some professional counselling, she's clearly not happy.

I agree with Grandmabatty. This latest upset is between your DD and her brother. As adults, it is for them to sort out. I would take a step back and certainly would not play into her game by pandering to her attention seeking performance.

I hope it will be resolved and not spoil Christmas for you nannycake.

well i don't know the dynamics obviously, but if a person serves themselves from what is available, that would be best.
it's up to them whether they eat it or not.
if she declines the chair brought, that is up to her too.
i guess she can find somewhere else to sit.
we don't know what she is dealing with, how things seem to her; they may be v difficult, in ways others can't understand.
i would try to treat her with respect, rather than demanding conformity.