Gransnet forums

Relationships

Page 2 of 2 | First | Previous | Next | Last
| Flip | Customise |

I’m hurting

(32 Posts)
Add comment | Report
ceejayjay Sun 01-Jan-23 23:18:31

My grown up Son works/lives at the other side of the country but gets 2 weeks off at Christmas & pops home to see childhood friends etc. His home visits & my visits to him are very much cherished, I’ve always loved spending time with my children & have been, and still am a devoted Mum. He came home Dec 16th but was away locally at a wedding until 18th. Mon 19th to Thurs 22nd I barely saw him due to my work commitments (couldn’t get time off) & him being really quiet & spending time in his room. I was worried he was struggling with a health issue he is managing & got myself worked up into a right state worrying about him to the point of making myself feel really ill. This year, as I was working Christmas Eve & Christmas Day he made plans to spend the Christmas period with his gf & her parents, but that was then extended to be away 23rd-30th December. I had an awful time over Christmas & couldn’t feel any joy from being alone, working from home, but mainly worrying about him & if he was ok. I had thought he would come back a few days earlier than the 30th as we had made a loose arrangement for him to do presents with his nephew on the 28th and he knew I was off work that date. He was out the first & second night he & his gf got back back home, gone before I finished work & the third night (tonight) we ordered a chinese takeaway after I finished work & 45 minutes after eating it he & his gf went to watch tv in bed. I feel it’s like a hotel to them, they came here for their NYE plans with friends. The house is an absolute tip, piles of their things everywhere. They are lazy about clearing up after themselves. I’m upset, confused & worried all rolled into one. He managed to have a good time, I’m sure, with all the plans he went through with. It’s just around me he seems super sad. I’ve always been really supportive & he knows this, so he knows he only has to ask & im there for him, whatever he needs. I’m lost with it all, would of said we were quite close before this Christmas break. At this point I havnt so much as had a Christmas card from him when I know full well that he made a massive effort with presents for his gf parents as I was the one who wrapped them all for him. Thankyou for reading.

Add comment | Report
Boundary Mon 02-Jan-23 19:15:10

sodapop

Bit harsh Boundary

You are not responsible for your son's happiness ceejayjay he is an adult and needs to manage his own life and health issues. I think you need to take a step back for the sake of your own mental health. Margomar is right you need to be a bit more assertive regarding the way he treats you and your home. Good luck.

Live and learn Sodapop. I am sorry I must correct you because you are wrong.

In some situations only tough love will work and the harder you can go in the better the chances are of a complete cure before any further damage is done. For example if an adult child has a mental health illness (like depression, but there are a lot) and is experimenting with substance abuse (like cannabis, but there are a lot). The only chance a caring parent and health professional has of halting a serious downward cycle that can have catastrophic consequences is very tough love.

Add comment | Report
Patsy70 Mon 02-Jan-23 19:28:04

You have a lot of things to deal with ceejayjay - recently divorced, work demands, your son’s mental health as well as your own. Christmas and New Year can be such a difficult and emotional time. As suggested, it would help if you stepped back, took time out for yourself and if you have a close friend just meet up and offload. It really does help. 💐

Add comment | Report
LOUISA1523 Mon 02-Jan-23 19:28:31

Boundary

Forget about his girlfriend anyone he brings into YOUR home has to be respectful towards you, but she isn’t the problem. The problem is your grown up adult son. If you are not completely happy to do all his housework tell him. Don’t complain about the behaviour, but tell him straight what you want. Say something like: clean up the f*£&ing mess that you have made or you don’t f#*(ing come back. If he gets abusive tell him to leave your home. Is he doesn’t call the police and report it as a trespasser.

🙄

Add comment | Report
Madgran77 Tue 03-Jan-23 07:31:55

Boundary

Forget about his girlfriend anyone he brings into YOUR home has to be respectful towards you, but she isn’t the problem. The problem is your grown up adult son. If you are not completely happy to do all his housework tell him. Don’t complain about the behaviour, but tell him straight what you want. Say something like: clean up the f*£&ing mess that you have made or you don’t f#*(ing come back. If he gets abusive tell him to leave your home. Is he doesn’t call the police and report it as a trespasser.

Um .... how on earth did this get to call the police and trespassing!!!! Dear me! confused

Add comment | Report
sodapop Wed 04-Jan-23 21:30:44

Just your opinion Boundary different situations call for different approaches.

Add comment | Report
Madgran77 Thu 05-Jan-23 16:44:00

sodapop

Just your opinion Boundary different situations call for different approaches.

Yes "just an opinion" as is anyone's who thinks that the suggestion of calling the police and trespassing is an extreme solution to this situation as described by the OP, is "just an opinion". So I'm not sure what your point is really

Page 2 of 2 | First | Previous | Next | Last
| Flip | Customise |