95yr old frail stubborn mother

Whether or not the neighbor is genuine or after money....

Just let it go op and chalk it up as payment for all she's been doing for your mom ..

For 3 years she's been there for your mom... currently she's still there for your mom.

Alot of time, strength, money, effort, dedication, and infringement on the neighbor's personal life and time were made to care for your mom.

She made sacrifices to be there for her.

If the neighbor sees it as a job or acts of genuine love.. she was there when nobody else was physically perhaps emotionally.
Your mother is very grateful and appreciative either way.

Your mom still has the shelter of her own home, food, bills paid, companionship, and she seems content.

The neighbor has earned these things. Gift her these things.

This is probably the cost of a care worker or if your mum was in a facility.

You and your family will be fine.

Someone needed to be there for your mother. Your neighbor was.

It's a hard job, and she deserves to be paid and appreciated.

If the mom is being conned, maybe her mother is fully aware of this and feel like the price for love, care, companionship and affection is worth it.

Maybe the mom and her agreed to these terms and conditions if that's the case.

The mom may be feeling unloved and need of companionship, and is willing to pay the expense.

Op will never know..unless the lady is ever caught being physically, medically, verbally abusive and there's evidence...untill there is I highly doubt she would win in court.

The testimonials from others including medical doctors, solicitors, elder services, have all said that she wasn't...and hasn't been soo far.

Some parts of the world require elderly people who wish to remain in their homes who would want care to sign over their assets and house in order to recieve.
Op may just already know subconsciously that it's her mother's choice, and has a hard time accepting it.

What I'm getting from op is that she feels like she should be rewarded after all these years for "putting up" with her allegedly "stubborn" mother.

Unless actual clear evidence pops up, no one will ever know.

I guess the diary wasn't held into account because anybody could have written it and forged the mum's penmanship.

Sad situation all around
I pray for them all.

I don't understand why people that op claims to have witnessed the lady's behavior automatically labeled it an "obsession" or being "obsessed"..

Instead of genuine concern and genuine love.

This neighbor could have grown to genuinely love and care for the mother.

She saw an elderly lady and neighbor with poor eyesight, capable but fragile and stepped in when no one else seemed to be..

Her always calling and trying to be there for the mum, is just out of concerned. She called alot and saw her alot out of concern and care.

Yes op allegedly had all these physical problems and aliments, but 3 years without asking for wellness checks to be performed by cops often, perhaps asking others to drop by, husband and son never visited, no calling different organizations, adult day/night care centers, never seeing if they could get her into some program to not be stuck in the house lonely without friends???

Op sounds solely focused on the money and what it could do for she and her husband and son. The will and her house. Even have been planning it out.

The cops should have phoned to do wellness checks.

They would have seen and made assessments to determine if she was capable of remaining in her home or if it was a hazard, or if she was abused or taken advantage of.

I think the mother in sane functioning mind made the decision to nix them out the will herself.

Maybe op has been displaying eager money hungry , non caring behaviors towards her mom. Maybe op has little patience and talks with disregard and offensive terms..

I mean op spoke in disparagingly about her mum to strangers...I can't imagine how she talks to her in real life.
I think the mother feels unloved by her family..for whatever her reasons are.

It must be hard on the neighbor too. Perhaps she asked the staff to convince the mom to either get a more skilled helper or be admitted to a care facility, but the mother refuses everytime.

Neighbor just sounds concerned to me.

Op perhaps resents the neighbor and feels like she's being replaced as a daughter.

Op may be angry and upset that they may share the close bond op wishes she could have with her mother but doesn't.

Its just her mum's personal choice to do what she did.

If that was my mum the last thing that I would be concerned about is a will and money...but that my 95vyear old mum is living alone, cant see well, have memory and functionality problems, have health problems..

If my mum didn't want to move in or into a center, I would see about Me or my family moving closer or in ....

And we would figure out the rest from there...

It's all about money and the will...and trying to contest it...while she's living or soon as mum is gone.

Instead of focusing on mum may be gone soon..

In my opinion.

If it's not all that and the neighbor is doing this and being abusive...

You'll never be able to prove it.

Your mum is in sound mind and capacities previously and currently as witnessed and testimonials by others..

Op and the mom have a very strained relationship.

Just let it go op...focus on your mum and her declining health...and loving and showing your mom love... perhaps mending and repairing the relationship..before it's too late.

I wish everyone well

Hypothetical situation. Say this so called friendly neighbour was doing things just to get the old persons money. Why are there laws for example like Elderly Financial Abuse carrying up to a 10year prison sentence to protect old people. Scammers come in all kinds of disguises.

This old lady has put this neighbour in a tricky position in her Will. It looks suspicious all of a sudden. You can say she was of sound mind making the Will but how many well educated people have been seen on TV losing their life savings. You don't have to be GaGa to be conned.

I agree.

If mum was very forth coming about her needs and wants in the temp home, she was of sound mind when she made the decision.

Your mum is probably extremely grateful for this lady stepping up, when and where you could not.

Your mum may feel like you haven't been there , or whatever her reasons are for changing...is her choice.

The neighbor may be just someone who's obeying your mother's requests. .and genuinely trying to help out.

I know this is upsetting, but I feel like these changes are your mum's personal ones of sound mind.

..if it's not,

It will be very hard to prove.

If she legally changed her will and it was approved.. it's strictly your mom's doing.

Maybe your mom feels like you're only after her money, and only there waiting in the wings for her to pass, for the money... perhaps that's why she changed..

She found someone genuinely wanting to help.

We don't know you...but you seem focused on the money only and what it could do for your family..

I can imagine. I’m grateful not to have experienced it.

Thank you for not dimissing my post and reading it in the spirit. Even more difficult when the family does not agree.

A very difficult decision for a doctor to make. I’m glad I’m not one. His/her duty is to the patient. If they are compos mentis and want to live in squalor then I guess that’s their choice to make, difficult though we would find it to accept, unless they have an illness which requires hospitalisation - when they are fit to be discharged return to home without care may be decided not to be in their best interests.

OnwardandUpward

They do Fleurpepper, as long as they have capacity to make those decisions.

If they lose capacity and only then, is when they lack the capacity to make the best decisions for themselves anymore and that is when it becomes a Safeguarding matter . Then, and only then, decisions must be made in their best interests.

And yet- that is a very fine and wobbly line. Who decides when that line is crossed. If someone decides to live in squalid conditions, which would be considered by others not to be 'good' decisions- but fully compos mentis and aware of risks, of say, falling over, not being discovered immediately, being cold or not washed as often as perhaps we would deem adequate- at what stage do we have the right to say 'you are not making good decisions'? People have the right to make the 'wrong' decisions all their lives, why should that choice be denied in old age.

I am not being flippant. But we have come across many cases where the very question became the reality. Should the doctor act against the patient's wishes, because his/her children decide the parent is not making 'good decisions' according to their standards?

Seems free speech is not allowed on Gransnet watch this one being deleted as proof

Quotes a deleted post. Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

WDYS

What is going on here? I read the OP and cannot understand why some think it is not genuine. Why would it be false? You all started out with support then one cynical remark and you turn on them except Biglouis who could see the life changing injuries they have had to deal with and maybe still are being a problem. They said they kept in touch by phone over the 3yrs. At least they tried to help.

REMEMBER this person is 70 and to have a serious fall at that age is major. I should know being a retired nurse. For all we know her mother might just be being abused financially and if she is then they have every right to look into what's going on and protect their mum. She could live till 100 for all we know but what if she is being robbed blind she still needs money to live on. This person is seeing signs of something not right going on with this neighbour. Good for them and good luck.

I don't think anyone said they thought it wasn't "genuine" WDYS. It's just that the OP was not specific, as they were later, about not seeing their relative for three years.

This can't be helped but, however anyone else read it, I read that the neighbour had been there for the OP's relative when she couldn't be and that all the OP seemed interested in, when you take the relative's need for care out of it, was what was in the Will.

But that's just me. The whole point of asking these questions here is to get different points of view.

I'm not sure why we need to know about you being a retired nurse. We all bring our life experiences to such questions. Mine is looking after my mother until she died at 99+. The one thing I am aware of is all such relationships are different. For all we know, the neighbour may be doing more than she should for her own well-being simply because no one else is available and maybe all "this person" sees are the £ signs. Or it could be something in between. We will never know, will we?

What is going on here? I read the OP and cannot understand why some think it is not genuine. Why would it be false? You all started out with support then one cynical remark and you turn on them except Biglouis who could see the life changing injuries they have had to deal with and maybe still are being a problem. They said they kept in touch by phone over the 3yrs. At least they tried to help.

REMEMBER this person is 70 and to have a serious fall at that age is major. I should know being a retired nurse. For all we know her mother might just be being abused financially and if she is then they have every right to look into what's going on and protect their mum. She could live till 100 for all we know but what if she is being robbed blind she still needs money to live on. This person is seeing signs of something not right going on with this neighbour. Good for them and good luck.

DaisyAnne

The person appointed Attorney may well not be the one to decide if there is a lack of capacity OnwardandUpward. It should be done by professionals. They may not agree with you or not agree with the Attorney.

It's very hard but it is much better that it is a professional decision.

Yes it should but they insisted she was fine when she blatantly wasnt .The latest crisis warranted a stay in hospital, when capacity was questioned by professionals. She will attend a memory clinic soon.

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The person appointed Attorney may well not be the one to decide if there is a lack of capacity OnwardandUpward. It should be done by professionals. They may not agree with you or not agree with the Attorney.

It's very hard but it is much better that it is a professional decision.

People have indeed the right to make decisions which you think are bad decisions. Including neglect, including living in less than perfect conditions, and a mess. It is hard to accept- but it is their right, if they belive that it is better than going into a care home.

Thanks Hithere, yes they were in denial so I left it to the NOK. Distance is an issue and although I had my concerns I kept being told I was over reacting. I seem to have been doing a lot of stepping back in the past year.

Unfortunately in my relative's case by the POA denying there is a problem, several accidents have happened. I believe it is a safeguarding issue and has been for some time, but at least the last crisis seemed to show a lack of capacity, considerable needs and zero care in place. Even though I'd mentioned my concerns one of the POAs told me not to get involved. As a result I feel that the needs of the lady have been neglected as the POA did not want to act.

It was hard, but I let it go. If she had made me POA she would have had better.

Upward

You should be proud of yourself you improved the life of your relative by bringing up a concern and they seemed to be in denial

Poas are very personal and distance may indeed be an issue.

Life is unpredictable and you can only do so much.
Keep a friendly relationship with your relative and he/she will appreciate it

I had been concerned about a relative who I don't live near but who had been making appalling decisions and self neglecting. My sibling, who I trusted the professional opinion of, said they had mental capacity- so they had the choice to make a bad decision. It seems now that my initial concerns about said relative were correct and my sibling is realising that capacity may have been lost quite some time ago.

It is really hard when you're not near by and don't see someone often to know what's real, especially like me when you have a sibling insisting that you're wrong and that nothing is wrong. I have a clear conscience though because I went and stayed there and did all I could, while the others did nothing and claimed all was fine. Now it's apparently not ok it's all down to them because she gave them POA and not me because I live a few hundred miles away.

Of course they have that right Fleurpepper, and I don’t care that the ex in law got my sister’s share of the house. I do care that she was left to die in pain, on her own because she’d become scared of officialdom and being put in care.
The house was a mess after it was opened up again. The saddest bit was the multitude of empty packets of paracetamol all over the house.

They do Fleurpepper, as long as they have capacity to make those decisions.

If they lose capacity and only then, is when they lack the capacity to make the best decisions for themselves anymore and that is when it becomes a Safeguarding matter . Then, and only then, decisions must be made in their best interests.

this was traumatic for you dustyangel- but old people have the RIGHT to not want to go into a care home, and the RIGHT to refuse access, and the RIGHT to die on their own, if that is what they wish and are of sound mind.

I read this thread last night and found traumatic. It brought so back so many memories of a very difficult time 20 plus years ago when my father died and my late sister was groomed by an ex in-law. She played on how hard done by she was and how lonely my older sister was, pushed out the local family who were still visiting and helping at that stage and eventually kindly took my sister down the road to a local solicitor to make a new will. Of course it left all my sister’s estate to her. Then she abandoned her.
Move on a few years and when I couldn’t contact my sister and she wouldn’t let my daughters, the district nurse or her GP into the house I phoned her doctor but he told me that “ unless she was a danger to herself, other people or the environment.” there wasn’t anything that he could do!

When no one had been able to get a response from my sister for a few days, the police were called.

She’d died about three days before .

help helped