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95yr old frail stubborn mother

(160 Posts)
paininthearse475 Mon 16-Jan-23 17:36:02

My mother is 95yrs old frail, has numerous ailments including heart lung and cancer of throat. She has been a widow for 25yrs and I have always looked after her finances to keep her safe, she cannot read very well and writes like a 5 yr old cannot spell neither, hence me helping her. I had to teach her to write a cheque, or use a credit card after my father died. He never let her have her own money or credit
card. She made a Will and as her only daughter she left all to me.. Then later changed it to me and my son. That was fine. Her will was very poorly written and never included Executors, I suggested she named some she chose me as I knew all her finances. Three years ago I had an accident breaking both arms and fracturing my spine. I was in hospital in Jan 2020 for 8 weeks. Covid began so I could not get to see her even if I was fit. I kept in touch as best I could being ill myself. During Covid she developed a friendship with a neighbour, a widow. She would come to see my mum everyday even with covid restrictions and without a mask. My mum began to rely on this neighbour doing things for her and after 3 years this neighbour seems to have tried to take over my place. Mum is easily confused and in a lot of pain. This neighbour has made herself conveniently so reliable so much so that out of the blue my mother has changed her will last August and left this neighbour her home and cash. My mother was in hospital in July 2022 and was given a DNR as she is getting worse. She was so frail that this neighbour was practically moved in with her. Mum is in a temp home to recover after being in hospital over Christmas and New Year. This woman organised her going into a care home but never rang me to tell me where my mum was. I did manage to find out. She is now in touch with Social services and trying to organise home care. This is my place to do it. She also told the home to put my cousin down as next of kin. The manager said she didn't even know my mother had a daughter and apologised. This is a nightmare. I certainly plan to contest this Will as I feel it is a form of abuse cleverly orchestrated. My mother only listens to her and wont take my word for anything. I am 70 not 7. Has anyone had a similar experience?

paininthearse475 Mon 16-Jan-23 17:38:46

anyone advise legal help

crazyH Mon 16-Jan-23 17:45:10

I have not heard of anything like this - absolutely unscrupulous and deplorable!! You will need legal advice. If your Mother was not of sound mind, the second Will, will probably not be valid. Please see a Solicitor asap. Good luck.

crazyH Mon 16-Jan-23 17:46:51

One of our GN posters is legally qualified. I think it’s GSM. I hope she sees your post.

silverlining48 Mon 16-Jan-23 17:50:51

Get some advice about the situation from a solicitor or Age Concern and let social services know you are next of kin as this could be a case of financial abuse. There may be a care manager involved if they have been involved with the home.
Assume you are able to visit your mum regularly and hopefully can get back to the relationship you had.
I hope you have fully recovered from your accident. Best wishes.

IrishDancing Mon 16-Jan-23 17:53:59

I’m so sorry to hear this - see a solicitor asap would be my advice. Hope you’re fully recovered.

welbeck Mon 16-Jan-23 17:54:13

but why didn't you liaise with the hosp discharge team to arrange your mother's ongoing care ?
how was the neighbour able to muscle in on that ?
suggest you contact older adults social care, re possible coercion, undue influence, abuse,
also see a solicitor.

ExDancer Mon 16-Jan-23 17:54:32

Did you never arrange Power of Attorney? I fear it might be too late now, but you really must get legal help today!

welbeck Mon 16-Jan-23 17:57:32

you write about your mother in quite disparaging terms.
if that is how you came across to her, maybe she was glad of someone who seemed more friendly.
if she is of sound mind, it may be difficult to extricate this person from her life.
it is her choice. also for the will.

Fleurpepper Mon 16-Jan-23 18:08:05

Perhaps this person was told by your mother that she didn't want you in charge, and her reasons?

I can understand that would be upsetting- but it would be her right.

Casdon Mon 16-Jan-23 18:10:08

Is this a genuine post - the OP name seems strange to me, and has never posted before?

makemineajammiedodger Mon 16-Jan-23 18:22:09

It can be very frustrating when you are looking after an elderly parent whose cognitive abilities are on the wane - and that is what this sounds like. I'm not saying dementia, I'm empathising as my own 90+ mother has been seeing things differently recently, after I have spent the last 20 years looking out for her (I say that advisedly- I haven't "looked after" her, but have helped with finances, hoping, hospital appointments etc etc). Suddenly I am persona non grata, and I do feel hurt. I also think it is a bit of "familiarity breeds contempt" - they take a huff for whatever reason, and look for someone else to step in. See a solicitor or at least Citizens Advice before it's too late. Really, we do not need this at our age! BTW I do not agree with @welbeck that you sound disparaging, but I can sense you are frustrated by it all.

crazyH Mon 16-Jan-23 18:30:04

Oh yes Casdon - you are sharp 😂

Hithere Mon 16-Jan-23 18:31:49

Lawyer asap

paininthearse475 Mon 16-Jan-23 21:27:43

Thank you for your genuine advice as for Welbeck my mother refused a care package in hospital so was sent home without one. My mother and I had got on well over the years as for disparaging terms this is how it is. She has become bitter turned against her family other neighbours and friends over the years. Manager in the temp care home said tonight "she's quite a forthright person it's her way or no way". That's after four days. She weighed her up fast. So thanks for all those of you who really understands the situation and your kind remarks. Have tried to suggest POA last year just incase this happened but guess who told her she didn't need one.

MerylStreep Mon 16-Jan-23 21:42:38

I would set up Power of Attorney now
It can all be done online.

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 16-Jan-23 22:36:55

You need to consult a solicitor straight away. Your mother may have been acting under duress when she made the new will. You cannot set up a power of attorney without your mother’s consent and she has to be able to understand what she’s doing.

Unfortunately there are people who prey on vulnerable elderly people in this way. I have seen it happen.

Don’t delay.

paininthearse475 Tue 17-Jan-23 10:30:42

Thanks GSM I doubt mum will change her Will but how would a solicitor help now. Maybe after she's gone I can contest the
Will that's all I have. This neighbour has got her just where she wants her. My mother has been hateful to my son and her 12yr old great grandson. Someone has been poisoning her mind more than ever this year. The family stand to lose £400,000.00 to this woman it would have helped my son and grandson in the future. The woman already has property abroad. My mother has told her she has cut her grandson out of the Will and she is getting the house. If she was decent she would try and make her see sense. I wouldn't mind mum leaving her just some money but she is also getting some money too.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 17-Jan-23 10:48:50

Contesting the will after Mum has died would be hugely costly pita. My advice is to see a solicitor now. The sooner you do that, the better equipped you will be to stop the abuse and protect your Mum and yourself. You may be advised to contact social services or even the police. This woman may have cultivated vulnerable people in this way before. It had happened before in a case I was told about. Maybe Mum doesn’t fully understand what she’s doing? The new will may be invalid because it was made under duress or because Mum didn’t understand her actions. You need advice now, not after Mum has gone. The solicitor can make enquiries of the firm which prepared the new will. Please go to a solicitor who specialises in dealing with the elderly as soon as you can. Good luck.

silverlining48 Tue 17-Jan-23 10:50:29

An elderly neighbour we helped over the years had fallen out with all the neighbours and had no family other than a distant niece on her husband’s side. Her mattiage hadn’t been happy.

She said she wanted us to inherit her house and she planned to change her will. We felt awkward as the help we had willingly given was done without ever expecting anything other than to help, awkward though she could be.

She died, we heard nothing and the niece moved into her house. Do you know fir sure the Will has actually been changed? Silly question but thought I would ask.

25Avalon Tue 17-Jan-23 10:57:38

GSM gives good sound advice. If you can’t afford a solicitor you could try talking to Cotizens Advice or Age UK.

25Avalon Tue 17-Jan-23 10:57:53

Citizens Advice

PinkCosmos Tue 17-Jan-23 12:03:36

I am sure this could be considered financial abuse.

Quote below from NHS Safeguarding Adults leaflet

Financial or material abuse –
including theft, fraud, exploitation,
coercion in relation to an adult’s
financial affairs or arrangements,
including in connection with wills,
property, inheritance or financial
transactions, or the misuse or
misappropriation of property,
possessions or benefits.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 17-Jan-23 12:04:59

pita’s mum has been groomed, pure and simple.

Tenko Tue 17-Jan-23 12:07:30

I have a slightly similar experience with my late fil .who was in his late 80s We lived an hours drive away and an estranged cousin popped out of the woodwork very suddenly. He and his wife lived nearby my fil and were there all the time, visiting and taking him to his club and shopping . When my fil needed to go into a care home they wanted to get involved. However when they found out my fil didn’t own his home and had minimal savings , suddenly we didn’t see them again until the funeral two years later . 🤷‍♀️