95yr old frail stubborn mother

Fleurpepper

Indeed, thanks.

One DD helped an elderly lady next door throughout the pandemic and beyond. Checking on her every other day, and doing all her shopping. She of course only had the old lady in mind, and she certainly did not need her money, and was often out of pocket. And the question above comes to mind 'why was she alone?'. She has a son who lives 20 mins away and a DIL, who just could not be bothered.

They will inherit of a property that will be worth 2 mio+ due to location and size of plot. And of course, DD would not want a single penny. But why was she left in charge of checking, supporting, helping, shopping, etc? Same for other AC, who with partner, looked after another neighbour, not quite so old but with severe health issues. Checking, shopping, cooking, and more. In her case, fair enough- she does not have children. And again, they would not want to benefit in any way.

My older brother is a widow. His step daughter never ever does anything for him never invites him over, or visit. She is due to inherit several millions. Why should she, when she just does not care and can't be bothered?

She should because that is the decision the people they have help have made. You say they didn't do it for reward so I assume they feel rewarded by the fact that they were able to help.

It is really no ones business except those who have made their wills in the way that they want to. Whether it goes to the children or the care giver, the one who gave less care or more, it is entirely up to them.

I did acknowledge the injury/disability and its totally valid BigLouis but if we are unavailable due to good and valid reasons where do our parents get help if they run into crisis?

I'm sure many neighbours are helpful, but most dont expect to be left the family home. However, its the old ladys choice what she does with her goods. I definitely agree OP is entitled to find out, but I doubt a solicitor would agree if they did not feel the elderly woman lacked capacity.

I think some posters are being very harsh to OP who has clearly sustained life changing and mobility limiting injuries herself. 50 miles may not seem much if you are fit and able to drive or travel. If you are wheelchair or house bound then it can be a very different picture getting to see someone else.

We dont know whether there has been an element of financial abuse from the "kindly neighbour" but the OP is entitled to find out what is going on.

95yr old frail stubborn mother

(95 yr old frail in body but mentally strong and knows what she wants Mother?)

I think people make a mistake when they feel entitled to property or money just because of who they are because the money is not theirs. As long as their parent has capacity they can give away what they want to whom they choose.

The money, the property and the possessions are your Mother's to do as she pleases with. It is sad if you were counting on inheriting ( but the fact is that many parents money and or home gets used to pay for much needed care) It is probably the neighbour's help that has prevented your Mother from needing to go in a home or sell hers, and for that I'm sure she is grateful.

Agreed, Fleurpepper - it's just 'what we do', isn't it? Called 'being neighbourly'.
I helped a neighbour in her 80s and 90s when her DD, living some 60 miles away 'had a busy job'. Shopping, sorting taxis, arranging home hairdressing, even agreeing to be her nominated First Responder when her falls alarm was activated.
But, my golly, was I grateful that my elderly mother could rely on caring and supportive neighbours when necessary as well. They were 'on the doorstep', I was 200 miles away.

Indeed, thanks.

One DD helped an elderly lady next door throughout the pandemic and beyond. Checking on her every other day, and doing all her shopping. She of course only had the old lady in mind, and she certainly did not need her money, and was often out of pocket. And the question above comes to mind 'why was she alone?'. She has a son who lives 20 mins away and a DIL, who just could not be bothered.

They will inherit of a property that will be worth 2 mio+ due to location and size of plot. And of course, DD would not want a single penny. But why was she left in charge of checking, supporting, helping, shopping, etc? Same for other AC, who with partner, looked after another neighbour, not quite so old but with severe health issues. Checking, shopping, cooking, and more. In her case, fair enough- she does not have children. And again, they would not want to benefit in any way.

My older brother is a widow. His step daughter never ever does anything for him never invites him over, or visit. She is due to inherit several millions. Why should she, when she just does not care and can't be bothered?

The lady made a new will a few months ago and a solicitor witnessed her signature. He wouldn’t have done that if he wasn’t satisfied that she understood what she was doing.

Fleurpepper

I have not re-read the thread from the beginning. There may well be circumstances that make OP think that the neighbour is taking advantage.

However, I truly resent the automatic assumption, that because the mother is 95, she is gaga and unable to make her own, very clear, decisions.

My dad was very able to do so at 96.

Aye, my Mum too. She'd moved into a nursing home at 92 (her choice) and had 100% Capacity until the day she died!

GSM

Agree, I was finding contradictions between posters' comments critiquing neighbour while admiring the spirit of the action at the same time

Arranging carers can be done remotely, there is no need for a visit

What's going to happen when this level of care and commitment are no longer suitable, what is the plan?

I have not re-read the thread from the beginning. There may well be circumstances that make OP think that the neighbour is taking advantage.

However, I truly resent the automatic assumption, that because the mother is 95, she is gaga and unable to make her own, very clear, decisions.

My dad was very able to do so at 96.

I think that’s largely what the neighbour was doing Hithere.

Plenty of posters admire neighbours when they help other neighbours, such as this case.

Why is OP's mother on her own? She clearly needs carers and daily assistance to live in her own home.

Oh dear, I didn’t see the deleted message but obviously wasn’t too nice.

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Thanks Maw and VB.

That’s a sad story BlueBelle. It does happen and I have known of a similar case.

Itmatters, my sympathy lay with the OP until she revealed that she hadn’t seen her mother for three years whilst living fifty miles away - not a huge distance. She had had problems during that time and covid restrictions were in place for part of it, but three solid years and never one visit? What would have happened to the old lady with nobody to do her shopping or pay her bills? How many frail 95 year olds with poor sight can operate a computer to do online shopping or banking, as OP suggested when having a rant at me? What human company would she have had without neighbour? And all those solitary Christmases, birthdays and other family occasions. The neighbour was there and even visits her daily in the care home. OP says she will contest the will in the neighbour’s favour. She needs to consider the questions she will be asked in cross examination. And to tell her solicitor the whole story. You might like to re-read the posts.

MawtheMerrier

Alas I think most of the “callous remarks” emanated from OP who had clearly lost her temper despite kind, helpful and free advice offered out of the goodness of people’s hearts.
It is essential to give the full picture from the outset and GSM spoke from a lifetime of professional experience when she warned that the circumstances might be very much held against OP if it came to a court case.
Forewarned is forearmed.

Totally agree... would have been far more helpful to give a fuller picture of the circumstances at the start.

GSM and others went out of their way to help, but the OP's reaction was unnecessary.

This has happened to us

My dads only sister was elderly and frail she and my uncle had had a cleaner/ career for some time and when my uncle died the carer became my Aunties ‘friend’ and ‘daughter she never had’ They had no children so my Mum and Dad were the closest and kept a good eye on Aunty
All seemed good until my Aunty was taken into hospital very unwell and Dad went to visit her He was a bit concerned about her health and asked to speak to the dr or nurse in charge
He was refused as he wasn’t next of kin when he in puzzlement asked what they meant as he was her ONLY next of kin he was told that Mrs so and so the carer was her Next of Kin My aunty died soon after and we found her bank account which should have had at least £20,000 in it (what uncle left) was down to the bone all gone
Afterwards we found out the carer had been going for my aunty to collect her pension and had use of her bank account the whole family had recently bought a new car and had an expensive overseas holiday
We went to a solicitor but there was nothing at all we could do as my Aunty was of sound mind and the ‘carer’ said it was all given to her alli could do was report it to the agency she worked for we never heard anything else from them no acknowledgement at all My dad then in his late 80 s couldn’t feel he could do anything more but it left a very bad taste in my head

Alas I think most of the “callous remarks” emanated from OP who had clearly lost her temper despite kind, helpful and free advice offered out of the goodness of people’s hearts.
It is essential to give the full picture from the outset and GSM spoke from a lifetime of professional experience when she warned that the circumstances might be very much held against OP if it came to a court case.
Forewarned is forearmed.

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paininthearse475

PS I live over 50 miles away, every heard of direct debit for bank payments and Tesco deliveries??? I found in August last year nearly £12000 has been taken out of her Halifax account and she was taken to the Halifax by her neighbour. She put it into her HSBC with this neighbour WHO WRITES HER CHEQUES remember?

So Onwardsandupwards I resent the meaning of me allowing a opportunist to worm their way in. Hithere would you allow a fraudster to cheat your mother and family? think not.
No I will not 'let is go'

Hi, I did mean what I said, but not in a critical way- just that your own painful and disabling circumstances as you have described have left your Mum with no one to turn to when she did need someone. Not your fault! It is just a fact that the neighbour has been there for her in a way you couldn't and still can't be.

I still think it's a good idea to see what your options are. The social worker could do a Needs Assessment for your Mother. Then when you know what her needs are, you could look at ways to have those needs met? Maybe you'd also benefit from one for yourself seeing as it sounds like you're not getting any outside support either.

paininthearse475

Good

Just plain rude, OP

Good

Yes, your posts have been read but they failed to give the full picture. Had you said at the outset that you had not seen your mother for three years I would certainly have taken a different view, as I believe would others. Your reasons for such a very long absence would be dissected in cross examination were you to challenge the will, and you would be reminded when covid precautions were relaxed. I can only say, thank goodness the neighbour has been helping your mother out. Otherwise how would this frail woman with poor sight and poor writing have bought food and paid her bills, and what other company would she have had? That’s a rhetorical question - I want no further involvement in this and retract the advice I have offered as it was based on less than a full picture of the circumstances.

Don’t trouble to answer that rhetorical question. I want no further involvement.