Wedding politics

Oh why oh why didn’t they or don’t they just go and have a beautiful beach wedding overseas without any family there
I don’t understand all these big dos and their politics and falling outs
Even off to a registry office here would be preferable to all these difficult fall out
What a way to start a new life with all this hoo ha

I told all my children they would have my blessing if they wanted to just go away without a big old fuss

How is it fair if brides father can attend but not grooms father?

2023!

I just think it's good & proper to be at a son's wedding, simple really. But there again, what is good & proper in 2022?

Hopefully an amicable solution can be reached as I believe issues like this can create so many problems in the years to come.

When I met my ex partner he'd been divorced for over 13 years and although his relationship with his ex wife wasn't fantastic, it was polite. However she'd maintained a good relationship with his family, in part due to the children... although when we met the children were then young adults.
While his family were always civil to me, it was made clear that I was never to be included/invited to any family event as it would 'upset' his first wife. My partner was understandably quite upset about this and it caused a number of arguments within his family to the point of disruption within his relationships to them.
Being honest, I did find it quite hurtful to begin with as I'd had no connection to the break up they'd had and I also had a warm and friendly relationship with his children.
We parted for an array of reasons...that situation being part of it to a small degree.
It's just all so sad.

but to make it ‘fair’ we wouldn’t be asked to attend either.

Who told them life was fair? Did you point out that to make it fair to unreasonable people they were going to be unfair to reasonable people?

I would feel that I would have to go along with their requests so that my son was not in an awful situation but I would feel I would have to be honest about how I felt simply because I would want him to think about that and what his future wife was asking of him. I wouldn't do it unkindly and I would want him to be sure that I would never hold it against him but it would concern me that his wife comes from a family where manipulation seems to be acceptable.
When my DIL had her hen party, I was told that I wouldn't get an invite because her mother couldn't go. I was bemused (but wasn't bothered about going anyway) but it caused ripples throughout the family which I had never wanted. At the end of the day, it is the bride and groom's wedding, not mine.

When my son got married they wanted a big family wedding with everyone there. Unfortunately my DHs niece and nephew weren’t speaking but logically for the seat plan they would sit at the same table.
I went to them both individually and told them that they were invited and would be seated at the same table. I asked if this would be a problem for them or would they be adult enough to share a table that day. They both agreed to and to anyone who didn’t know the situation, you’d have been none the wiser.
It’s such a shame that nobody could point out to these other parents that their behaviour was overshadowing the daughter’s wedding.
It seems so wrong that you’re being excluded because of the other parent’s behaviour.

I don’t understand this. The bride’s parents have the problems so why should the groom’s parents have to suffer - how is that making things fair?!

When we got married my in laws were divorced and not on speaking terms it was decided that his mum would come to the wedding and his dad (and partner who was not well received by MIL) would stay away. My dad was there and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Surely the in laws would not expect you to suffer and not go.

Daddima

So, once again, it has already been said that the couple are only having close friends as witnesses then going on holiday! If that is the case, then none of the parents are invited.

To be fair, newbiedoobie said she thought that's what would happen.

I also need to make it clear they’re not thinking of a big wedding. I think they’d ask close friends to witness then just go on holiday

I think I'd pull two people off the street then go to the pub afterwards!

No, Newbiedoobieonly thinks they’d ask close friends to witness then just go on holiday. "However, we are six hours away whereas his partners family are more like 15 mins so I anticipate (but might be wrong) that it could end up they are included in some way".

So, nothing decided, just speculation.

GN police are on duty then!

So, once again, it has already been said that the couple are only having close friends as witnesses then going on holiday! If that is the case, then none of the parents are invited.

I would send all the parents an invitation and let them decide whether to be adults, put up and shut up or sulk and stay away.
It is the bride and grooms day, no one else's. They should now up and put their differences aside.

The problem doesn't seem to be what the bride and groom want, it seems to be the bride's mother.

Blondiescot

Why don't they just solve the problem by going off and quietly getting married with just a couple of witnesses - or even going abroad and getting married there?

That's what I was thinking.

I've told my daughter that she should get married somewhere abroad (without family) - with my blessing.

I agree with others who think that if it is causing such a fuss, they should just go off to the register office on their own and get married.

I don’t see why the other parents problems should mean you can’t be invited.

When my DD married, her fiance's parents were living apart. They put aside their differences for the day ands everyone went.

However if that had not been the case and neither of his parents had come, I would have been upset if we had not been invited on this basis. The marriage break-up of his parents is irrelevant. I can understand that you feel hurt OP and send a hug.

Well in the end it is their decision , their wedding and their choice

However it seems really odd , for the life of me I can't see why your attendance has been linked to the other family issues! It's for them to sort themselves out however they choose to but your attendance really doesn't impact on that and isn't relevant

If it were me I would tell my son quite openly that obviously we would like to attend their special day, that we can't personally see the connection between our attendance and the other familys attendance but that we will do whatever they decide is best as we would never want to cause a problem for him. That would NOT be presented as emotional blackmail, just as what our view is. And there would be no sulkng/backlash or dramas if they decided we couldn't go because it is their choice

Years ago I worked with a lady whose father had run off with someone young enough to be his daughter. When my colleague married a few years later, her father and his young woman had good seats in church but she was given away by her stepfather. OTOH, I worked with someone else - in the same office - whose father had also run off with another woman. When THIS lady married, she refused to have her father anywhere near the wedding. It seems to me though, that most divorced couples make an effort for occasions like a wedding. It really isn’t a good start to a marriage if some of the parents refuse to attend!

Tweedle24

Maybe, as this is causing family heartache on both sides, a quiet wedding with not too much ‘palaver’ might be better?
Two celebrations with relatives and friends could come later, making sure that only those who get on with each other are invited to each one. That way, no-one is left out and there is no toxic atmosphere at either.

I think newbie has already said that they only intend to have close friends as witnesses, then go on holiday ( unless I have read it wrongly), so I am a bit confused as to exactly what the problem is.

Maybe, as this is causing family heartache on both sides, a quiet wedding with not too much ‘palaver’ might be better?
Two celebrations with relatives and friends could come later, making sure that only those who get on with each other are invited to each one. That way, no-one is left out and there is no toxic atmosphere at either.

Registry Office. Oops.

My son had the same situation but my now DiL told both her parents that she wanted them both there and they would both sit on top table to to suck it up.
It was all very amicable in the end.
I do think the brides parents should be prepared to make a special effort for their daughter's big day.

Difficult.
I know someone whose daughter married without telling her parents, and although they made light of it at the time they admitted much later that they were hurt, not even to be told until several days later.
Equally, another friend's daughter wanted to be married but no wedding so she and her partner planned to marry at a register office, no guests, then attend a large rock concert. They both told their parents before they left, whereupon both mothers went spare and insisted on a 'proper family wedding', took complete control and spoilt it utterly for this shy couple, who really wanted no fuss.
It is your son's wedding as well as his partner, and you are not wrong to expect to be included. I agree that it is likely that the mother will turn up, with or without ex and second husband and that is not fair.
Last of all, what does the bride think?