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Wedding politics

(117 Posts)
Newbiedoobie Wed 18-Jan-23 13:49:55

My son said he and his partner (with a child) are thinking about getting married and would we be ok if we weren’t invited. The reason is the difficult divorce between his partners parents. Her dad wouldn’t attend if her mum and husband were there. Her mum has said she’d stay away if her going would prevent them getting married, but to make it ‘fair’ we wouldn’t be asked to attend either. I offered a possible solution where some attend the ceremony and some attend a celebration afterwards and we would be open to maybe attending just part of it but I feel upset not to spend any time with them at this special time. I also feel her parents should set aside their differences for this day. What does anyone else think is fair or any other ideas for how it could work.

Norah Wed 18-Jan-23 13:53:59

I'm assuming they are old enough to marry thusly old enough to make their own plans. You made your offer, let that be enough talk.

Nanatoone Wed 18-Jan-23 13:54:31

I can’t believe that they have asked you to do this to be fair to such unreasonable people. I’m shocked for you. This is wrong in every way. I’m so sorry.

JaneJudge Wed 18-Jan-23 13:56:18

could the other mum just leave her husband at home fgs

why does everyone else except her have to make the sacrifice?

JaneJudge Wed 18-Jan-23 13:58:46

sorry I realise you have said she would stay away, so I imagine she will make a sacrifice blush but surely the obvious solution is just for her husband not to go or for the brides Dad to grow a pair and suck it up.

Sorry I am just cross on your behalf

Oreo Wed 18-Jan-23 14:03:12

It’s not fair at at all to you.Whatever the other parents decide to do is up to them, but you are the groom’s parents and deserve to be invited! Have you said as much to your son?

Aldom Wed 18-Jan-23 14:03:26

Making it fair for her parents doesn't make it fair for you.
But even so, if it were me in your situation I would graciously accept what your son is saying so as not to give the couple any additional stress. I would wish them a wonderful day and celebrate with them at a later date.
I know it's not the same, or ideally what you would wish for. But it will make it as easy as possible for your son and his soon to be, wife. flowers

Shelflife Wed 18-Jan-23 14:10:30

I think Aldom is correct . However it does seem unfair as I see no reason why you and your DH should pay the price for the problems your future DIL s parents have!
However in order to ease the situation for your son I think you may have to accept what will happen. Give them your love and have a lovely celebration at a later date.

Callistemon21 Wed 18-Jan-23 14:21:11

I also feel her parents should set aside their differences for this day

I agree.
However, how long have they been divorced and how long has her mother been married to the step-father? Did the step-father bring her up? If it's a very recent remarriage perhaps it's more important for the bride's parents to go.
However, the father is acting like a spoilt child and is upsetting his daughter on her wedding day.

Making it fair for her parents doesn't make it fair for you
No, spot on, Aldom, it doesn't.

But it's their wedding so you can put forward a suggestion, not mention it again, then leave it up to them

Ro60 Wed 18-Jan-23 14:30:18

I agree with Aldom et al.
What a difficult situation for them - but kind of them to keep you informed - they could have just not invited you, but respect you enough to have that conversation with you.
I hope you manage a time to celebrate with them.

Hithere Wed 18-Jan-23 14:31:29

I don't think it is realistic to wish those adults could behave for one day, it is out of your control
They are clearly incapable of doing so

Life is not fair - yes, ideally they would drop that unrealistic and idiotic idea of being "fair" and invite you but they are in control of the guest list.

I would congratulate them and celebrate with them some other time.

The groom and bride are going through a rough time, wedding prep is stressful enough.
Please do not be one more worry for them

Cs783 Wed 18-Jan-23 14:34:15

A shame son and partner didn’t just get married with no fuss, telling and inviting no one. Now some are bound to feel hurt, and for a long time.

However going with what you’ve been offered: IMHO fairness doesn’t come into it, only the wishes of the couple.

Bea65 Wed 18-Jan-23 14:38:51

Sorry but this marriage is about new beginnings and I would feel so upset to be non invited and your son needs your support ..

NotSpaghetti Wed 18-Jan-23 14:39:18

I don't understand this:
Her mum has said she’d stay away if her going would prevent them getting married.

Would her going stop them getting married? Why?

NotSpaghetti Wed 18-Jan-23 14:41:21

Her dad wouldn’t attend if her mum and husband were there. - so would he attend if only the mother went?

There are several unanswered questions here.

Kate1949 Wed 18-Jan-23 14:42:04

How hurtful and unkind.

Grammaretto Wed 18-Jan-23 14:42:28

Such a pity. I would feel miffed in your situation. My DSis had 2 witnesses at her wedding and followed with a garden party for family and old friends and a later party at night for their friends and a few family.
I was a bit sad to not be at the ceremony but it was a similar situation with his divorced DP so they decided to invite no one!

Newbiedoobie Wed 18-Jan-23 14:43:16

They’ve been married a few years, the divorce was probably ten years ago but the new relationship resulted in the demise of the marriage so I expect there is a lot of ill feeling.

Newbiedoobie Wed 18-Jan-23 14:47:48

I also need to make it clear they’re not thinking of a big wedding. I think they’d ask close friends to witness then just go on holiday. However, we are six hours away whereas his partners family are more like 15 mins so I anticipate (but might be wrong) that it could end up they are included in some way.

Blondiescot Wed 18-Jan-23 14:48:23

Why don't they just solve the problem by going off and quietly getting married with just a couple of witnesses - or even going abroad and getting married there?

Callistemon21 Wed 18-Jan-23 14:50:34

Oh. Well, perhaps step-father should be the gracious one and step aside. Mother and father should put their differences aside for the sake of their daughter but no-one can make them do that, of course.

I hope they can sort it out amicably and that you will be invited; it's not fair on you and it's not their wedding!

notgran Wed 18-Jan-23 14:53:01

I would be disappointed but wouldn't make any sort of issue out of it. Presumably if you aren't going then no other relatives are being invited and it will just be a party after the ceremony with their friends. They are the losers in years to come when they look at the photos of friends they are no longer in touch with but no relatives. Be happy for them that they are becoming an official family. You won't need to buy an outfit, contribute financially to the day or even a present! Result!

swampy1961 Wed 18-Jan-23 15:01:46

This is one of those situations when people just need to grow up and act like adults and leave their issues at the door and pick them upon their way out.
This is a wedding and the engaged couple are being put in an almost impossible position. Either neither parent goes or they both go - it just needs them both to put the couples' happiness at the fore front and stop behaving like spoilt brats.

Goodbyetoallthat Wed 18-Jan-23 15:04:23

We have been in a very similar situation to yours (except no child involved).
Brides mum didn’t want any parents to attend as her & brides dad didn’t get on (divorced 25 years ago).
As the grooms parents we said to our son that of course we would love to see them married but it was absolutely their decision.
They were all set to go ahead with just 2 witnesses but within a few weeks the brides mum decided she did want to attend & now the wedding is planned for next year with parents, siblings & friends.
I hope that this resolves itself for you.

LOUISA1523 Wed 18-Jan-23 17:49:44

I bet your sons partner wouldn't be saying her own parents couldn't go if the shoe was on the other foot and it was you and your sons dad who didn't get on 🙄....