Wedding politics

Have you talked about this again with your son. Seems there is every chance the parents will attend if they are so close, so yes, if that were me I would hate to have to stay away only to find the other parents turned up.
Was your son just wondering theoretically how you might feel if....or was it more concrete? Maybe you need another chat. It seems so unfair.

Newbiedoobie

I also need to make it clear they’re not thinking of a big wedding. I think they’d ask close friends to witness then just go on holiday. However, we are six hours away whereas his partners family are more like 15 mins so I anticipate (but might be wrong) that it could end up they are included in some way.

So, am I right in thinking none of you are being invited anyway, as you say they’ll just have close friends as witnesses?
So, is your real fear that the ‘other’ parents will be included while you are not?

Newbiedoobie

... "to make it fair"

I appreciate your son's dilemma, but it does seem rather unfair that you can't attend because of DIL'S parents' inability to act like adults and just for one - important - day put their own 'issues' to one side.
There's different computations that would 'work'. DIL'S mother could agree to go without her partner (I assume he would understand); if she doesn't want to attend without him she could - well, just not attend and allow her ex to be present - or her ex could grow up a bit and just for a few hours ignore his ego / injured pride for the sake of his son and behave like a civilised human being. All obvious solutions - but unfortunately not those that can be controlled by you, and you're just left with the option of being agreeable for your son's sake. He must be frustrated with it all and it is ruining what should be a lovely day.
Just be amenable to his suggestion - I'm sure it's not what he wants... poor chap is piggy in the middle and just trying to keep the peace.
If I were the DIL, I'd tell my respective parents they were invited and if they didn't want to attend that was up to them but that son's parents would be there, regardless.
What might happen is that either one or the other of DIL'S parents attend - and you don't. All because of male ego.
I feel sorry for your son - he's been put in a difficult position, and for you, likewise.
DIL should take charge and put an end to this nonsense.

Grateful for your understanding.

Yes ease the situation for them. Can’t be doing with these wedding type situations which ruin the happy expectations of the couple involved. You can be satisfied that you haven’t contributed anything but love and understanding. They will be grateful for you.

Similar situation at my son's wedding.

My ex was still acrimonious about my new partner - he believed he broke up our relationship (he didn't).

BUT, we put aside our differences, and my ex agreed to attend with his partner, and me with mine, so as not to add to the stress of the big day. Me and my ex even chatted civilly to each other, and he made an effort to be courteous to my new partner.

It can be done, if each grown-up acts like a grown-up and doesn't let their ego get the better of them.

My son wanted both his parents at his wedding - so we swallowed our pride. This was his day, it was about him ,not us.

This has echoes of Euan Blair's wedding when the bride's mother insisted on the second wife of her ex-husband (Sian somebody, a weather forecaster and nothing to do with the divorce) being disinvited. The father of the bride attended the ceremony and made the requisite speeches,but left after the wedding breakfast, I believe.

A bit unfair on you. DILs parents are her family, but they shouldn't impact on you.

I don't understand these divorced parents - since my divorce, 20 years ago, I've always made the offer to do part of any celebration, so that my ex can do the other part. It's not difficult,🙄

I hope it resolves itself, and you get an invite. I'd be upset if I wasn't invited to my sons wedding because of other people's marital disputes.💐

Just get married with friends as witnesses and avoid all the hassle, have a party afterwards, it would save a lot of cash as well.

What utter nonsense.
The bride's mother seems to be controlling the situation because (she says) her ex husband won't attend if she brings her second husband, (who could easily stay at home.) She has offered to stay away 'if her going (to the wedding) would prevent them getting married' How? She is not essential to the wedding ceremony and neither is the bride's father.

How the exclusion of the groom's parents from their son's wedding 'makes it fair' for this drama queen and mother -in- law from hell is not understandable.
Ultimately it is your son's wedding day and his decision but you are entitled to say that you very much wish to be there. It is for the bride's parents to sort out their own arrangements; they have are various options and should not attempt to impose conditions on other members of the family.

That seems unfair to you and a big ask that you don’t attend because of the problem with the brides parents.
Hope things can be resolved a better way. I know I woukd be upset and very disappointed.

Blondiescot

Why don't they just solve the problem by going off and quietly getting married with just a couple of witnesses - or even going abroad and getting married there?

This definitely sounds best to me in the circumstances.
You can celebrate with them later.

I know it's their wedding their day, but excluding you because of her parents' messy divorce seems very harsh. I'd be very upset.

Can’t for the life of me see why you can’t go, the partners family situation is nothing to do with you. Yes I would be up in arms

I am with Blondiescot. They should quietly disappear to the venue of their choice, registry office, church, deep sea diving bell with two witnesses, do the deed and then let their parents argue it out among themselves.

So your soon to be DIL gets to invite her parent(s) but your son doesn’t? I would expect your son to have something to say about this, if he doesn’t insist that you are invited, then that’s a pity.

I'd tell them no we would not be OK if you had to stay away.
Everyone is dancing around one man. I would suggest that to save people from getting hurt they do it with just friends. Then see what their reaction is.

I bet your sons partner wouldn't be saying her own parents couldn't go if the shoe was on the other foot and it was you and your sons dad who didn't get on 🙄....

We have been in a very similar situation to yours (except no child involved).
Brides mum didn’t want any parents to attend as her & brides dad didn’t get on (divorced 25 years ago).
As the grooms parents we said to our son that of course we would love to see them married but it was absolutely their decision.
They were all set to go ahead with just 2 witnesses but within a few weeks the brides mum decided she did want to attend & now the wedding is planned for next year with parents, siblings & friends.
I hope that this resolves itself for you.

This is one of those situations when people just need to grow up and act like adults and leave their issues at the door and pick them upon their way out.
This is a wedding and the engaged couple are being put in an almost impossible position. Either neither parent goes or they both go - it just needs them both to put the couples' happiness at the fore front and stop behaving like spoilt brats.

I would be disappointed but wouldn't make any sort of issue out of it. Presumably if you aren't going then no other relatives are being invited and it will just be a party after the ceremony with their friends. They are the losers in years to come when they look at the photos of friends they are no longer in touch with but no relatives. Be happy for them that they are becoming an official family. You won't need to buy an outfit, contribute financially to the day or even a present! Result!

Oh. Well, perhaps step-father should be the gracious one and step aside. Mother and father should put their differences aside for the sake of their daughter but no-one can make them do that, of course.

I hope they can sort it out amicably and that you will be invited; it's not fair on you and it's not their wedding!

Why don't they just solve the problem by going off and quietly getting married with just a couple of witnesses - or even going abroad and getting married there?

I also need to make it clear they’re not thinking of a big wedding. I think they’d ask close friends to witness then just go on holiday. However, we are six hours away whereas his partners family are more like 15 mins so I anticipate (but might be wrong) that it could end up they are included in some way.

They’ve been married a few years, the divorce was probably ten years ago but the new relationship resulted in the demise of the marriage so I expect there is a lot of ill feeling.