Wedding politics

Such a pity. I would feel miffed in your situation. My DSis had 2 witnesses at her wedding and followed with a garden party for family and old friends and a later party at night for their friends and a few family.
I was a bit sad to not be at the ceremony but it was a similar situation with his divorced DP so they decided to invite no one!

How hurtful and unkind.

Her dad wouldn’t attend if her mum and husband were there. - so would he attend if only the mother went?

There are several unanswered questions here.

I don't understand this:
Her mum has said she’d stay away if her going would prevent them getting married.

Would her going stop them getting married? Why?

Sorry but this marriage is about new beginnings and I would feel so upset to be non invited and your son needs your support ..

A shame son and partner didn’t just get married with no fuss, telling and inviting no one. Now some are bound to feel hurt, and for a long time.

However going with what you’ve been offered: IMHO fairness doesn’t come into it, only the wishes of the couple.

I don't think it is realistic to wish those adults could behave for one day, it is out of your control
They are clearly incapable of doing so

Life is not fair - yes, ideally they would drop that unrealistic and idiotic idea of being "fair" and invite you but they are in control of the guest list.

I would congratulate them and celebrate with them some other time.

The groom and bride are going through a rough time, wedding prep is stressful enough.
Please do not be one more worry for them

I agree with Aldom et al.
What a difficult situation for them - but kind of them to keep you informed - they could have just not invited you, but respect you enough to have that conversation with you.
I hope you manage a time to celebrate with them.

I also feel her parents should set aside their differences for this day

I agree.
However, how long have they been divorced and how long has her mother been married to the step-father? Did the step-father bring her up? If it's a very recent remarriage perhaps it's more important for the bride's parents to go.
However, the father is acting like a spoilt child and is upsetting his daughter on her wedding day.

Making it fair for her parents doesn't make it fair for you
No, spot on, Aldom, it doesn't.

But it's their wedding so you can put forward a suggestion, not mention it again, then leave it up to them

I think Aldom is correct . However it does seem unfair as I see no reason why you and your DH should pay the price for the problems your future DIL s parents have!
However in order to ease the situation for your son I think you may have to accept what will happen. Give them your love and have a lovely celebration at a later date.

Making it fair for her parents doesn't make it fair for you.
But even so, if it were me in your situation I would graciously accept what your son is saying so as not to give the couple any additional stress. I would wish them a wonderful day and celebrate with them at a later date.
I know it's not the same, or ideally what you would wish for. But it will make it as easy as possible for your son and his soon to be, wife.

It’s not fair at at all to you.Whatever the other parents decide to do is up to them, but you are the groom’s parents and deserve to be invited! Have you said as much to your son?

sorry I realise you have said she would stay away, so I imagine she will make a sacrifice but surely the obvious solution is just for her husband not to go or for the brides Dad to grow a pair and suck it up.

Sorry I am just cross on your behalf

could the other mum just leave her husband at home fgs

why does everyone else except her have to make the sacrifice?

I can’t believe that they have asked you to do this to be fair to such unreasonable people. I’m shocked for you. This is wrong in every way. I’m so sorry.

I'm assuming they are old enough to marry thusly old enough to make their own plans. You made your offer, let that be enough talk.