My stubborn elderly mother

If you can be there when the occupational assessment happens, and when any subject arises that you cannot do, then make sure you state your case. The assessment may be a wake up call for your mother that she does need outside help, and it is not you. Try and get a couple of minutes alone with the assessor and say you cannot physically do what your mother wants you to do.
Your mother may listen to an outside more than she listens to you.
Good luck, but ease down on what you are doing.

So many people are looking for magic solutions that do not require them to do anything themselves, especially anything that will mean them having to face up to the difficult situations in their life, they would rather suffer and complain.

The choice and action is yours, either to face up to the situation and deal with it, or knuckle down and live with it - and nobody can do it for you.

Stop fulfilling the role of the obedient little girl who always does as mother tells her and be, with her, the mature adult woman you are with everyone else.

This, Ethelwasherel

Just Say No.
Tell her Care Manager too.

Please don't think this as a rude question. Can she afford help? Do it her own way with paid help? On her time frame?

Elderly people can get difficult and not know it. However, if they pay there is no arguing. We intend to stay in our home forever, if possible. Paying with our funds. Paid care/ help will ease any burden to our daughters.

Just a thought.

What’s the worse that can happen if you say no? You won’t be struck down, you’ll still walk and talk, listen to the advice, please.

Oh, dear. You need to realise that the answer to your problems is in your hands and your hands only. If you do not act, you have only yourself to blame.

Say no
It is a powerful word

No, it doesn't work for me
No, I am not going to change my mind
No, if you don't drop it, I am leaving now

Op
This won't stop till you do something about it

I don’t wish to offend or be personal but you have been pandering to your difficult mother for as long as I’ve known you on GN. That must be about 10 years.
Isn’t it time to just tell her to get on with it.

M0nica

She won't see sense. Accept that and then tell her how much you are prepared to do for her. Do not discuss it with her, do not let her harrass you to do more.

Just tell her that you can no longer manage any of her cleaning and you will not be doing it anymore. If she decides to live in squalor that is her choice.

Stop fulfilling the role of the obedient little girl who always does as mother tells her and be, with her, the mature adult woman you are with everyone else.

Your mother will probably try every way she can to shame, embarrass, blackmail or hound you into doing what she wants. Just say 'no' and walk out. You know what you can cope with and do not go one step further.
.

Very sensible advice

I agree with Monica. If she berates you, step right back and do nothing.

She won't see sense. Accept that and then tell her how much you are prepared to do for her. Do not discuss it with her, do not let her harrass you to do more.

Just tell her that you can no longer manage any of her cleaning and you will not be doing it anymore. If she decides to live in squalor that is her choice.

Stop fulfilling the role of the obedient little girl who always does as mother tells her and be, with her, the mature adult woman you are with everyone else.

Your mother will probably try every way she can to shame, embarrass, blackmail or hound you into doing what she wants. Just say 'no' and walk out. You know what you can cope with and do not go one step further.
.

Do you live with your Mum ? Write her a letter explaining that you can't cope with her bullying ways, or ask a relative to be with you when you tell her you are getting a cleaner and carers in. If she ignores you maybe it is time to strike and move into a hotel close by for a few days, call her in the morning, after lunch and just before her bed time but don't visit. If she still bullies you tell her you're going abroad for a month. Stupid you are not.