My stubborn elderly mother

Do you live with your Mum ? Write her a letter explaining that you can't cope with her bullying ways, or ask a relative to be with you when you tell her you are getting a cleaner and carers in. If she ignores you maybe it is time to strike and move into a hotel close by for a few days, call her in the morning, after lunch and just before her bed time but don't visit. If she still bullies you tell her you're going abroad for a month. Stupid you are not.

She won't see sense. Accept that and then tell her how much you are prepared to do for her. Do not discuss it with her, do not let her harrass you to do more.

Just tell her that you can no longer manage any of her cleaning and you will not be doing it anymore. If she decides to live in squalor that is her choice.

Stop fulfilling the role of the obedient little girl who always does as mother tells her and be, with her, the mature adult woman you are with everyone else.

Your mother will probably try every way she can to shame, embarrass, blackmail or hound you into doing what she wants. Just say 'no' and walk out. You know what you can cope with and do not go one step further.
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I agree with Monica. If she berates you, step right back and do nothing.

M0nica

She won't see sense. Accept that and then tell her how much you are prepared to do for her. Do not discuss it with her, do not let her harrass you to do more.

Just tell her that you can no longer manage any of her cleaning and you will not be doing it anymore. If she decides to live in squalor that is her choice.

Stop fulfilling the role of the obedient little girl who always does as mother tells her and be, with her, the mature adult woman you are with everyone else.

Your mother will probably try every way she can to shame, embarrass, blackmail or hound you into doing what she wants. Just say 'no' and walk out. You know what you can cope with and do not go one step further.
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Very sensible advice

I don’t wish to offend or be personal but you have been pandering to your difficult mother for as long as I’ve known you on GN. That must be about 10 years.
Isn’t it time to just tell her to get on with it.

Say no
It is a powerful word

No, it doesn't work for me
No, I am not going to change my mind
No, if you don't drop it, I am leaving now

Op
This won't stop till you do something about it

Oh, dear. You need to realise that the answer to your problems is in your hands and your hands only. If you do not act, you have only yourself to blame.

What’s the worse that can happen if you say no? You won’t be struck down, you’ll still walk and talk, listen to the advice, please.

Please don't think this as a rude question. Can she afford help? Do it her own way with paid help? On her time frame?

Elderly people can get difficult and not know it. However, if they pay there is no arguing. We intend to stay in our home forever, if possible. Paying with our funds. Paid care/ help will ease any burden to our daughters.

Just a thought.

Stop fulfilling the role of the obedient little girl who always does as mother tells her and be, with her, the mature adult woman you are with everyone else.

This, Ethelwasherel

Just Say No.
Tell her Care Manager too.

So many people are looking for magic solutions that do not require them to do anything themselves, especially anything that will mean them having to face up to the difficult situations in their life, they would rather suffer and complain.

The choice and action is yours, either to face up to the situation and deal with it, or knuckle down and live with it - and nobody can do it for you.

If you can be there when the occupational assessment happens, and when any subject arises that you cannot do, then make sure you state your case. The assessment may be a wake up call for your mother that she does need outside help, and it is not you. Try and get a couple of minutes alone with the assessor and say you cannot physically do what your mother wants you to do.
Your mother may listen to an outside more than she listens to you.
Good luck, but ease down on what you are doing.

We have had similar problems with peoplein our block of flats. We are NOT any sort of carehome, all flats are indivudally owner occupied. Most of occupants are over retirement age. We are always happy to help each other short term, and obviously in emergencies.

But some people take advantage of this. So, one woman, always insisted on people in other flats when she feel over (which was pretty often), to pick her up. Did not actually ask them, just insisted. Only when it was pointed out to those good samaratans the danger they were putting both her and themselves did it stop. Her relatives wanted her to go into a proper care home, which she needed - and only following us saying we would o provide ANY further assisgtance did she finally agree to this - making it quite clear to us that we were being really horrible. Another one, over one hundred years of age, would dismiss carers and even cleaners set up by her relatives, or even use a help button. Again, stubbornly refused to go to a care home, no matter how nice - and only when those relatives (elderly and unwell themselves) finally told her that if she did NOT keep that help they would have nothing further to do with her, did she finally agree that perhaps a care home might be better.

Not sure why the OP thinks they are unable to say to their Mother - 'This is too much for me'. Compalining inhere wi ll not help very much. A firm 'NO' is required.

Some people often do not realise how much of a burden they actually have become, particularly when no-one tells them that.

Tell her Care Manager
I think you must not agree to helping her. I think the unreasonable helping will be making you ill.
Say no.
Maybe say you will only do shopping if you do want to contribute but not personal care or cleaning.
Good luck.

There are so many of these threads about elderly mothers and it makes me feel so sad.
I lost my mother almost 20 years ago, and she died in my arms whilst we were reading a book I had bought for my dad's birthday. I think about her and miss her every day and wish she was here.

Joane123

There are so many of these threads about elderly mothers and it makes me feel so sad.
I lost my mother almost 20 years ago, and she died in my arms whilst we were reading a book I had bought for my dad's birthday. I think about her and miss her every day and wish she was here.

I think we were lucky to have lovely Mums, Joane123, reading some posts on GN.

I do know that Ethelwasherel has had a lot of problems with her critical, demanding mother and it's time she said 'NO, I'm not doing that but we'll find someone who will'.

Now the care manager is involved you must step back and let them take over say you're going away for a fortnight and will visit when you get back . Even if you're not going away and just keep out of the way while the help gets set up . You have to do this it's no use asking us on here . You're perfectly entitled to a holiday the same as everyone else. Hope it goes well !

Ethelwashere1 So sorry to hear your mum has fallen, I hope she makes a good recovery. This is the very reason I refuse to take my mum out, and it’s not going down well at all. She has uncontrollable BP up and down all the time.
Even if I was with her, like you , I wouldn’t be able to prevent her falling. You must stand up for yourself though. Four years ago mum fell and broke her hip. The social worker asked to see me, asked what I could do in terms of helping her, I told them shopping, appointments and finances.
I’ve stuck to it. They said she wouldn’t be allowed home without carers, so she had no choice. She’s not happy about it. But realised without them she would need a nursing home ,and she’s adamant she’s not going in one. Be strong and stay strong it’s not easy I know but easier than what you have now. Good luck.

Franbern, we had this sort of situation with dh’s old aunt - plenty of money but hated spending any, and thought the other residents (themselves nearly all elderly) in her small block of flats should help her ‘for love’.

Never mind that she’d never have done the same, except as a one off! Before she started getting decrepit she once told me, ‘I’ll do it once, but I’m not getting involved.’

We lived a good 2 hours away so obv. couldn’t be popping in all the time. Eventually I had one of the residents on the phone, wailing that they just couldn’t cope any more.

Dh tried to arrange paid carers for her but she sent them away - too loud, too ‘common’, you name it. She just hated paying.

The hassle my poor dh went through in order to - finally - move her to a care home, was unbelievable.

As for paying for that, she refused to write the monthly cheques, since, ‘If they know I’ve got money they’ll find a way to steal it,’ so dh had to pay, and every month get her to pay him back.
I can’t say I was remotely sorry when she finally died!

Callistemon21

^Stop fulfilling the role of the obedient little girl who always does as mother tells her and be, with her, the mature adult woman you are with everyone else^.

This, Ethelwasherel

Just Say No.
Tell her Care Manager too.

exactly this..

I agree with Monica and all others, except we are all looking at it with totally practical eyes and Ethel is completely tied up with all sorts of massive emotions guilt, love/hate, need, abandonment, draining , bullying and a huge sense of never being able to please this is nothing new it just keeps getting worse
The games her mind will play with her emotions are probably a lot heavier than the work or the mothers tongue

But you can’t continue Ethel so start by telling your mum you are not well enough to do the annual clean and she needs to get someone in and she also needs a weekly cleaner, and if she would like you ll help her find someone suitable but you yourself are no longer well enough ….don’t wait for her answer or an argument or a bullying speech from her leave her to digest it

Once you have given her information about something you can no longer do it is imperative YOU STICK TO IT
You have to do this Ethel 💐

Soozikinzi

Now the care manager is involved you must step back and let them take over say you're going away for a fortnight and will visit when you get back . Even if you're not going away and just keep out of the way while the help gets set up . You have to do this it's no use asking us on here . You're perfectly entitled to a holiday the same as everyone else. Hope it goes well !

I agree. Tell your mother and the Care Manager that you are going away.

It sounds too late now but I would have told the Hospital Care Workers that you would be away when you mum arrived home as you are so ill of looking after her you cannot cope.
Yes you will have to use it to the line.

The shortage of care is such that if assessment teams get any sniff of care by family they will not pull all the stops out.

Correction,"take it to the line".

She came home yesterday after making a supreme effort in hospital. I have caters 4 times a day then I’m on my own. However she is behaving strangely, she’s only picking at her food says it tastes strange. The caters were to come last night to put her to bed so I had a welcome early night. Today she old me no one had been so she sat all night on the sofa. They came to make meals and I have to give her pills, I’m scared I give her an overdose. She just sits crouched coughing her guts up, she has COPD. My friend says she’s given up I can’t just leave her she’s not well enough for home. In one day my energy has been sapped by her moaning, coughing and complaining. I just want her to be happier now she’s home. I try to make her laugh but she says she can’t stand silliness. What do I do