My stubborn elderly mother

I thought carers can’t give meds out of their boxes . Although if they’re in a blister pack or dosset box they can give those to the patient with water and check they’re taking them .
Could you get the pharmacy to put the meds in a blister pack with the times and days . Then there’s no way you would overdose .

Don't know where you live but if she has come home presumably she has a proper care package put together. If so she's incredibly lucky as care is very difficult to arrange just now.
Carers do sometimes fail to turn up, ring the agency concerned and complain loudly.
Check her care package includes them making her meals and giving her her medication. Tell them (not her) that you are not prepared to do these things (she may have told them differently).
Work out exactly what you can do and stick to it.

Carers we’re not allowed to give my Dad his medication
We bought a dosset box for him and then he could do it himself

You mention that the seasonal cleaning is coming round. But why? If the house is cleaned regularly there is no need for spring cleaning, if she insists, just say there is no need and it is too much for you.
Make sure you look after number 1. Too often women forget that and put themselves way down the list. Sometimes I think when is it my turn? Look after children, then parents (neither of which I begrudge), but just sometimes think what about me.

You don't have to take care of her.

You can tell the family that you don't want to and that you're not.

and unless they help, she has to go into a facility or live home alone .. perhaps have a carer or someone else to live with her24/7 .

care workers have been known to write up visits they haven't actually done.
only proof is a camera.
or where they used to have to ring their control from the client's home phone, to log the visit.

I am so sorry ypu are going through this. I can empathize as I am going through similar with my Grandmother.

I wish I could offer some advice. I have none as I haven't been able to find a solution either.

You ring your GP if its a decent surgery or the local Mental Health crisis line (daytime in week when more people there is best)

and say what seems apparent to me - that you are having a breakdown (which you will if you let this go one). Do not be palmed off with anything less than a home visit, or with the Crisis people or GP contacting the team at the hospital for rapid response to your home. You have to let them hear the end of tether desperation so they see 2 very vulnerable people not one with a carer.

The carers should be documenting their visits in a folder. My mum often says they haven’t been but I can easily check by looking in the folder. If for any reason they can’t visit they should be getting in touch with you.

The carers should be giving your mum her medication. My mums do. Tell them you can’t cope with the tablets and it’s all too much.
My mum always seemed to take two steps back in her recovery when coming home. She also said everything tasted funny and wouldn’t eat. Don’t worry too much about eating , would she have milky drinks or a meal supplement, you can get these on prescription.
Ask the carers what they think about your mum being home. They can call the Dr or an ambulance if need be. Try and get some rest.

M0nica

She won't see sense. Accept that and then tell her how much you are prepared to do for her. Do not discuss it with her, do not let her harrass you to do more.

Just tell her that you can no longer manage any of her cleaning and you will not be doing it anymore. If she decides to live in squalor that is her choice.

Stop fulfilling the role of the obedient little girl who always does as mother tells her and be, with her, the mature adult woman you are with everyone else.

Your mother will probably try every way she can to shame, embarrass, blackmail or hound you into doing what she wants. Just say 'no' and walk out. You know what you can cope with and do not go one step further.
.

I agree totally.
You’re an older woman yourself, visit her but don’t do any cleaning.Lay it on the line firmly.
Nobody can be bullied without their consent.

Its a long time since my Mum died - but it was her care manager who bullied me into caring for her to the point when I had what we used to call a 'nervous breakdown'.
It's so very very hard to say no. I didn't, and my last memories of my Mum are still full of resentment.
So sad.

Talk to the care agency if they didn’t turn up last night that’s unforgivable
It’s been a shock to her system even if she was doing well in hospital that’s because she had a cause to aim for…. getting home
Perhaps she off her food from being ill and the bad chest
Don’t be fearful of giving meds just follow the instructions Carers aren’t allowed to give meds
Did you organise the careers yourself or did SS arrange it ? If they did get back to them and make sure they come in tonight and talk to them about what you NEED

You talk of relatives can’t they take a turn ?
Can you talk to your own doctor and tell him how weak and ill you feel ?

She came home yesterday after making a supreme effort in hospital. I have caters 4 times a day then I’m on my own. However she is behaving strangely, she’s only picking at her food says it tastes strange. The caters were to come last night to put her to bed so I had a welcome early night. Today she old me no one had been so she sat all night on the sofa. They came to make meals and I have to give her pills, I’m scared I give her an overdose. She just sits crouched coughing her guts up, she has COPD. My friend says she’s given up I can’t just leave her she’s not well enough for home. In one day my energy has been sapped by her moaning, coughing and complaining. I just want her to be happier now she’s home. I try to make her laugh but she says she can’t stand silliness. What do I do

Correction,"take it to the line".

Soozikinzi

Now the care manager is involved you must step back and let them take over say you're going away for a fortnight and will visit when you get back . Even if you're not going away and just keep out of the way while the help gets set up . You have to do this it's no use asking us on here . You're perfectly entitled to a holiday the same as everyone else. Hope it goes well !

I agree. Tell your mother and the Care Manager that you are going away.

It sounds too late now but I would have told the Hospital Care Workers that you would be away when you mum arrived home as you are so ill of looking after her you cannot cope.
Yes you will have to use it to the line.

The shortage of care is such that if assessment teams get any sniff of care by family they will not pull all the stops out.

I agree with Monica and all others, except we are all looking at it with totally practical eyes and Ethel is completely tied up with all sorts of massive emotions guilt, love/hate, need, abandonment, draining , bullying and a huge sense of never being able to please this is nothing new it just keeps getting worse
The games her mind will play with her emotions are probably a lot heavier than the work or the mothers tongue

But you can’t continue Ethel so start by telling your mum you are not well enough to do the annual clean and she needs to get someone in and she also needs a weekly cleaner, and if she would like you ll help her find someone suitable but you yourself are no longer well enough ….don’t wait for her answer or an argument or a bullying speech from her leave her to digest it

Once you have given her information about something you can no longer do it is imperative YOU STICK TO IT
You have to do this Ethel 💐

Callistemon21

^Stop fulfilling the role of the obedient little girl who always does as mother tells her and be, with her, the mature adult woman you are with everyone else^.

This, Ethelwasherel

Just Say No.
Tell her Care Manager too.

exactly this..

Franbern, we had this sort of situation with dh’s old aunt - plenty of money but hated spending any, and thought the other residents (themselves nearly all elderly) in her small block of flats should help her ‘for love’.

Never mind that she’d never have done the same, except as a one off! Before she started getting decrepit she once told me, ‘I’ll do it once, but I’m not getting involved.’

We lived a good 2 hours away so obv. couldn’t be popping in all the time. Eventually I had one of the residents on the phone, wailing that they just couldn’t cope any more.

Dh tried to arrange paid carers for her but she sent them away - too loud, too ‘common’, you name it. She just hated paying.

The hassle my poor dh went through in order to - finally - move her to a care home, was unbelievable.

As for paying for that, she refused to write the monthly cheques, since, ‘If they know I’ve got money they’ll find a way to steal it,’ so dh had to pay, and every month get her to pay him back.
I can’t say I was remotely sorry when she finally died!

Ethelwashere1 So sorry to hear your mum has fallen, I hope she makes a good recovery. This is the very reason I refuse to take my mum out, and it’s not going down well at all. She has uncontrollable BP up and down all the time.
Even if I was with her, like you , I wouldn’t be able to prevent her falling. You must stand up for yourself though. Four years ago mum fell and broke her hip. The social worker asked to see me, asked what I could do in terms of helping her, I told them shopping, appointments and finances.
I’ve stuck to it. They said she wouldn’t be allowed home without carers, so she had no choice. She’s not happy about it. But realised without them she would need a nursing home ,and she’s adamant she’s not going in one. Be strong and stay strong it’s not easy I know but easier than what you have now. Good luck.

Now the care manager is involved you must step back and let them take over say you're going away for a fortnight and will visit when you get back . Even if you're not going away and just keep out of the way while the help gets set up . You have to do this it's no use asking us on here . You're perfectly entitled to a holiday the same as everyone else. Hope it goes well !

Joane123

There are so many of these threads about elderly mothers and it makes me feel so sad.
I lost my mother almost 20 years ago, and she died in my arms whilst we were reading a book I had bought for my dad's birthday. I think about her and miss her every day and wish she was here.

I think we were lucky to have lovely Mums, Joane123, reading some posts on GN.

I do know that Ethelwasherel has had a lot of problems with her critical, demanding mother and it's time she said 'NO, I'm not doing that but we'll find someone who will'.

There are so many of these threads about elderly mothers and it makes me feel so sad.
I lost my mother almost 20 years ago, and she died in my arms whilst we were reading a book I had bought for my dad's birthday. I think about her and miss her every day and wish she was here.

Tell her Care Manager
I think you must not agree to helping her. I think the unreasonable helping will be making you ill.
Say no.
Maybe say you will only do shopping if you do want to contribute but not personal care or cleaning.
Good luck.

We have had similar problems with peoplein our block of flats. We are NOT any sort of carehome, all flats are indivudally owner occupied. Most of occupants are over retirement age. We are always happy to help each other short term, and obviously in emergencies.

But some people take advantage of this. So, one woman, always insisted on people in other flats when she feel over (which was pretty often), to pick her up. Did not actually ask them, just insisted. Only when it was pointed out to those good samaratans the danger they were putting both her and themselves did it stop. Her relatives wanted her to go into a proper care home, which she needed - and only following us saying we would o provide ANY further assisgtance did she finally agree to this - making it quite clear to us that we were being really horrible. Another one, over one hundred years of age, would dismiss carers and even cleaners set up by her relatives, or even use a help button. Again, stubbornly refused to go to a care home, no matter how nice - and only when those relatives (elderly and unwell themselves) finally told her that if she did NOT keep that help they would have nothing further to do with her, did she finally agree that perhaps a care home might be better.

Not sure why the OP thinks they are unable to say to their Mother - 'This is too much for me'. Compalining inhere wi ll not help very much. A firm 'NO' is required.

Some people often do not realise how much of a burden they actually have become, particularly when no-one tells them that.