Advice needed its my Bro and Sis Inlaw

Totally agree with HousePlantQueen

Just because your DH is related, there is no law saying you have to see them. They sound absolutely awful, and you would not put up with a stranger or acquaintance being like that, so why them?

I am sure they will use the old chestnut, that it is 'banter' and that you cannot take a joke etc. These type of people always put the blame on their 'victim'.

You have free agency, so just do not be in their company

If these awful people were not family you would have nothing to do with them. So don't. Your DH isn't going to sort this out, whatever his reasons so just don't see them, at all. If anyone asks why just tell the truth because BiL is so rude and vulgar I don't wish to spend time in his company

Don't enable this ghastly couple by being their victim. Refuse to see them. If your DH does, that is his decision. You will find it refreshing to dump them from your life.

My sister married an awful man.

We haven't seen them for about 6 years now. I decided I'd had enough of his boorish behaviour.

Katie59 thought about reposts to that one.

"there's them that talk and them that do".

that would just set them off even worse tho,

To be honest the “do you like sex remark” justifies a knee in the groin from you.
Cut off all contact and say why if he can’t be civil why visit.

Cressy

Seems to me you have two problems here - your BiL and your husband. The first is easy to resolve. Cut off all contact. Don’t bother with just limiting contact - they are abusive to you and don’t deserve any consideration of their feelings. The second problem is more difficult. If you normally have a good relationship with him them inform him of what you are going to do and why. Ask why he hasn’t supported you previously as it’s obvious it upsets you. That may lead to opening into deeper problems in the marriage of course which you may have to deal with but it sounds like that conversation is well overdue. I wish you luck.

Good advice. Difficult for you to face but very necessary

As others have said, you have a husband problem.

You are not obligated to have these people in your life. So many people think that because they didn’t stand up to bullying relatives that their spouses must accept the same dynamics. Toxic cycles continue when people accept the status quo.

Let your husband see them on his own. You owe them nothing. If your husband is content being spineless having reached grandparent stage, you can’t change him. I’d simply let him know you won’t be wasting holidays with them and spend time with your own family.

If he gives you push back, call him out on why he feels so bold trying to force his wife into spending time with bullies when he doesn’t even have the guts to stand up to a man. Him pushing you to spend time with these vile people makes him no better. I have words for men who cower in front of other men and project onto their wives…but my comments wouldn’t be suitable for gransnet

Never see them again, ever. Simple.

Your husband obviously may do as he wishes, but I admit I'd be disappointed if mine didn't have my back and estrange from them as well.

I hate bullies .
They make other people's lives a misery .

Your husband should support you from his brother and his insults and schemes .

I wonder if his brother has always been a bully , who intimidates people and he's intimidated him in the past and that's why he's not supporting you as he should .

If your brother in law's wife is sitting there with a grin on her face she's probably thinking , thank the Lord it's not me being got at .
Bullies recruit people to support them .

Your brother in law is a bully , who thoroughly enjoys making fun of you and getting a reaction .

Take a deep breath -
don't lose your temper and certainly don't slap him even if he does deserve it !

If you can't avoid him - by cutting him completely out of your life -
try and anticipate him and store up some smart arse answers .
So each time , he asks you if you like sex try answering well you two obviously don't together after all you' ve both had affairs !

And laugh !

Most bullies are cowards , who have built up this way of defending their fears .

I saw one of my friends shoot a bully down . She made him blush , mutter and beat a hasty retreat .
She watched her mother being mercilessly bullied by her father throughout her childhood .
Her first husband abused her and she developed one hell of a thick skin .

Wishing you lots of luck with this .

Oh dear..

I’m afraid your brother in law is one of these vocal idiots that gets off on shocking people I would indeed put him in his place your DH on the other hand really surprises me in not sticking up for you and to tell his very immature brother where to go ! My own husband would certainly do that, we wouldn’t be putting ourselves after the first time of it happening in a position where we would have any contact at all with them, they sound vile

Seems to me you have two problems here - your BiL and your husband. The first is easy to resolve. Cut off all contact. Don’t bother with just limiting contact - they are abusive to you and don’t deserve any consideration of their feelings. The second problem is more difficult. If you normally have a good relationship with him them inform him of what you are going to do and why. Ask why he hasn’t supported you previously as it’s obvious it upsets you. That may lead to opening into deeper problems in the marriage of course which you may have to deal with but it sounds like that conversation is well overdue. I wish you luck.

The brother in law is a vile, bullying, immature imbecile.His grinning dog wife is not much better.
I think you need to tell your husband you have no plans to see them again.
Your husband is also feeding these troll like people with his silence. He needs to tell his brother his behaviour is not t acceptable. No one should be at the whimms and mercy of a p... taker.
Good luck, and make sure you make your position clear. The whole family sound like Morons.

The key to all this is your last line:
both seem to be getting a high from all of this

They certainly are, and your brother in law gets enjoyment when he embarrasses you with his puerile baiting.
You say you can verbally put someone in their place in a quiet and confident manner. Start doing so and don't rise to his bait, which is his aim.
If he asks you your birthdate, say 'you know perfectly well, six years older than your brother, why ask me again?'
Do you like sex? 'Clearly not as much as you.'
Family arrangements: 'sorry, but we have already made ours and can't alter them. What will you do?'
So much better if you can deliver the putdowns, with an air of faint amusement. and try really hard not to let this overgrown schoolboy rile you. Maintain your dignity, don't flee the room. At the same time make it clear to your husband you expect his support, if he wishes to maintain friendly relations with his brother.

Cut off all ties with these vile people. Such people hate to be ignored, but this is what you must try to do. We can’t choose who’s in our family, but we can choose whether or not to spend time with them.

Don’t have any contact with them. You do not have to see them or discuss them. Your husband can do as he likes.

Regarding arrangements for Christmas etc., keep your plans to yourself and don't mention anything to BIL and SIL. If they ask what you will be doing for Christmas etc simply say "we have already made plans" and shut the conversation down.

In regard to his lurid behaviour I can relate to this. My OH has several brothers and we went to stay with one of them at a holiday park. He had arranged for us to use his friends chalet whilst him and his wife were using their own. When we arrived his wife wasn't there, she was unwell and stayed at home. Bearing in mind that this was the first time I had met this brother, he was so full-on with me. He hugged me a little too tightly when we were introduced and at the bar that evening he got extremely drunk and kept coming on to me whenever my OH was at the toilet or in the bar area. I was mortified at some of the stuff he was saying!
To this day I cannot engage in conversation with him and he really gives me the creeps. I always make sure to never be alone in a room with him and if he phones us I swiftly pass the phone to my OH.

The key to solving this is to speak to your DH and get him to realize how despicable his brother is!! Tell him to put his brother straight ( in no uncertain terms. ) Your husband really should have stepped in long ago. This BIL is rude and unsavory!
Remember, he is doing this because he can and no one is stopping him . He is a bully . Old woman has given you some great responses , use them.
When you get embarrassed / upset in front of him that is rewarding him for his unforgivable behaviour.Get your DH onside ( show him the GN responses) be strong , stand firm and put him firmly in his place. I suspect that when you stand up to him he will back down. He sees you as weak and and therefore an easy target. If all this does fail then keep well away from him , let your DH visit if he wants but keep him out of your life. Good luck. 💐

Such nasty people - cut them out of your life - now !

Nothing on earth would make me go near those beastly people again. Avoid them at all costs.

It seems to me that the BIL is making inappropriate comments because he knows he can get a annoyed response out of you. He must find it amusing.

The next time he does it I would give a calm response such as 'It's none of your business' in response to his 'Do you like sex' comment. I wouldn't give a sarcastic or angry response as this is just what he wants. He is winding you up.

If it's something like the birthday comment, I would just ignore him or say 'change the record' (yes, I appreciate it is a bit sarcastic) and then ignore any further comments. In my opinion, this would make him look like the idiot is is.

Having said that, I would avoid being in their company as much as possible, which may not be easy if they live around the corner. If you did see them, I would be civil but that's about it.

Regarding Christmas, make your own arrangement with your own family. If they 'tell' you that they have made arrangements you must say that you have already made plans that can't be changed.

If they make the same arrangements as last year, could you not call around in the morning then go home to enjoy your own Christmas.

If the MIL has to stay with you, she can decide who she wants to spend Christmas with. Is she also embarrassed by the son's behaviour?

I also think your DH should have a word with your BIL about his behaviour. It sounds like he is intimidated by him.

glammanana

It sounds as though your OH has always been bullied by his brother its time he stood up to him and got himself a backbone such a pity they live so close I would certainly go no contact with them.

Very hard after a lifetime of your OH basically letting himself be bullied too, but he has to back you up! If you can't work it out between you and DH go together to talk to a counsellor so you are both "on the same page" and have a good strategy. Until you agree between you its going got be very hard, but in the meantime what other's say, go and enjoy your family.

Have nothing to do with them, nothing. If your H wants to see them he'll have to do so alone. He's bang out of order just sitting there while you're being treated so appallingly.

You say they live just around the corner from you so if you see them cross the road and ignore.

It sounds as though your OH has always been bullied by his brother its time he stood up to him and got himself a backbone such a pity they live so close I would certainly go no contact with them.

I too am surprised your husband just sat there!

I would never associate with these people again. never visit their house ever again.