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Advice needed its my Bro and Sis Inlaw

(36 Posts)
Doodlebug Fri 17-Feb-23 00:27:55

I have a brother inlaw who over the years, continues to try to embarrass me or bring up inappropriate subjects with me in front of other people.
His wife just sits there with a grin on her face, so to me, they contrive it together.
One time, he asked me when my bday was, he knows the date and im 6 yrs older than my husband, but to embarrass me in front of others he kept harping on it until i walked away. I dont care that im older but he seems to want me to! He followed me out of the room and kept asking me, i told him to stop as he was now on the verge of harassment.
Then a few weeks ago, we had visited their home to get keys to their house while they were away. During coffee, out of the blue, he looked at me and said "so do you like $ex?" I almost choaked and my husband tried to change the subject but again to no avail. He kept on going no matter how much i told him to mind his own business and he was being inappropriately disgusting. It got to the stage that I lost my temper and told him to F mind his own business and he was being an A Hole! I then told them i was leaving.
I was surprised that my husband sat there and didnt tell him brother to stop.
I felt dirty and embarrassed.
At home, my husband agreed that his brother was inappropriate and doesnt know why he does it.
I said I will now be limiting my time with them. I'll never stop my husband from visiting, but I no longer want to associate with them.
Last Christmas, I told my bro inlaw and wife, I hadnt seen my daughter for 3 years and had Christmas arranged for us to spend time with her and her husband.
Next minute i get a message saying, the other brother is coming up for Christmas with his partner and the Mother inlaw is also coming up, in other words christmas was at their place with their children and grandchildren but visitors are staying with us!! The mother inlaw has given us scares recently and we thought we'd go along with it as it might be her last Christmas.
However, i said to my husband, why bring her on a 6 hour drive if she was sick? We already had intended to spend time with her over the holidays.
We went along with it to keep the peace, but i told my husband the this will never happen again as we have our own children and grand children that we need to spend christmas with and not with other peoples children and grandchildren.
After Christmas, we find out that the bro and sister inlaw arranged Christmas at their house because it was easier for them to spend it with their own family.
Im fuming!!! And as Ive already told my husband what we'll be doing during future Christmas's, i intend on sticking to it. I will not bend!
If my husband gives in to them, he's free to, however I'll be visiting our family.
Christmas was disgusting btw, the bro and sister inlaw discussed what they do together behind closed doors, then their daughter inlaw and son carried on as well..all in front of their grandchildren, aged 5 to 14.
I removed myself from the room and then left.
Please note, both bro and sis inlaw have had numerous affairs while married, they broke up at one stage, but apparently they forgive and forget.
They then moved around the corner from us!!
Any ideas on how I can deal with this?
Im not an angry or loud person, but when pushed do verbally put someone in their place in a quiet manner. Should i be more conservative or more loud?
I feel like i want to wipe the smirk of his face with a slap, but then im sure he would charge me with assault... they both seem to be getting a high from all of this.

welbeck Fri 17-Feb-23 00:47:58

well MN would say you have a DH problem.
why is he continuing to put you in situations where you are insulted by his brother.
silence means assent.
why were you looking after their house for them.
why have anything to do with them at all.
just go NC. and stick to it.

welbeck Fri 17-Feb-23 00:51:27

make your own arrangements if you wish to see MIL, at her house, when they are not there.
if they turn up, leave immediately.
you seem to letting them push you around.
and your husband is doing nothing to protect you.

VioletSky Fri 17-Feb-23 00:59:14

I think leaving the situation isn't enough and you would be fine from now to stop entering it.

Hithere Fri 17-Feb-23 01:06:35

Why do you let your husband treat you like this?

He doesn't stand up for you!

Why do you put yourself in these uncomfortable situations?

Please say no, tell your dh to treat you better and stop contact with those people

Palmtree Fri 17-Feb-23 05:57:23

I have sympathy for you and can see how upset you are, especially now they have moved so near to you. You need to avoid this pair and their bullying behaviour. I too feel it is your husbands role to stand up for you and not allow you to be treated this way. Perhaps he can have a word privately with his brother, although that will only work if they are reasonable people. If they aren't then I certainly wouldn't be looking after their key, meeting up for Christmas etc. Its time for your husband to put you first in my opinion.

MercuryQueen Fri 17-Feb-23 06:35:55

They clearly enjoy tormenting you, so I simply wouldn’t be around them again. And I’d be absolutely furious with your husband for sitting there while his brother bullied his wife!

BlueBelle Fri 17-Feb-23 07:19:16

I agree with others avoid them and their company and expect more from your husband he should be supporting you and telling them to shut up if they are bothering you
Don’t put yourself in the situation stay away tell you husband he can visit when he wants but you won’t be going any more

Poppyred Fri 17-Feb-23 07:27:11

These people are vile! Go NC.

LRavenscroft Fri 17-Feb-23 07:58:16

Sounds as if your husband knows what his brother is like and has always taken the line of least resistance just to brush along with 'family'. Is your husband a very easy going person and have you always had to wear the trousers in the relationship i.e. sort out difficult situations etc? This may be the only way he knows how and also part of his personality. Secondly, your Bil and Sil are really not worth socialising with. I take it from your post that you are the other side of the pond. I get the impression that at the US is so large visiting relatives and friends takes days and people stay overnight. This does not contribute to the situation. Also, from reading your post, and quite understandably so, you are taking a lot of the 'detail' on board, which long term is not healthy for you. It is good that you stand up for yourself but with people like your relatives you will never break through their impenetrable wall as that is what they are like and WILL nor change so you have to respond differently. I would start by having a firm conversation with my husband about the situation and how it makes you feel. If he does the man thing and disappears or doesn't respond tell him in no uncertain terms that you will arrange your own visits to your children, make your own Christmas and organise with your own relatives what gives you joy. It will then be up to him to take action. You can't go on like this and why should you? People like those you describe simply are not worth giving the time of day. When my parents died I offloaded a whole load of drama relatives and my life was free for the first time in 60 years. It surprised me how quickly they disappeared as people often don't really care about us as much as we care. Good luck and stay strong!

Oldwoman70 Fri 17-Feb-23 08:01:20

I agree your best course of action is to avoid seeming him but if you have to meet with him try to have some clever put downs ready.

I have a friend who always seems to have great come backs against rude people, some I have heard are
Jealousy is a disease hope you get well soon
Are you normally this obnoxious or did you take classes
You have your entire life to be an idiot why not take a day off
Being a dick to me won't make yours bigger

lemsip Fri 17-Feb-23 08:04:48

I too am surprised your husband just sat there!

I would never associate with these people again. never visit their house ever again.

glammanana Fri 17-Feb-23 08:39:27

It sounds as though your OH has always been bullied by his brother its time he stood up to him and got himself a backbone such a pity they live so close I would certainly go no contact with them.

Smileless2012 Fri 17-Feb-23 08:51:16

Have nothing to do with them, nothing. If your H wants to see them he'll have to do so alone. He's bang out of order just sitting there while you're being treated so appallingly.

You say they live just around the corner from you so if you see them cross the road and ignore.

Wyllow3 Fri 17-Feb-23 08:56:32


It sounds as though your OH has always been bullied by his brother its time he stood up to him and got himself a backbone such a pity they live so close I would certainly go no contact with them.

Very hard after a lifetime of your OH basically letting himself be bullied too, but he has to back you up! If you can't work it out between you and DH go together to talk to a counsellor so you are both "on the same page" and have a good strategy. Until you agree between you its going got be very hard, but in the meantime what other's say, go and enjoy your family.

PinkCosmos Fri 17-Feb-23 09:36:14

It seems to me that the BIL is making inappropriate comments because he knows he can get a annoyed response out of you. He must find it amusing.

The next time he does it I would give a calm response such as 'It's none of your business' in response to his 'Do you like sex' comment. I wouldn't give a sarcastic or angry response as this is just what he wants. He is winding you up.

If it's something like the birthday comment, I would just ignore him or say 'change the record' (yes, I appreciate it is a bit sarcastic) and then ignore any further comments. In my opinion, this would make him look like the idiot is is.

Having said that, I would avoid being in their company as much as possible, which may not be easy if they live around the corner. If you did see them, I would be civil but that's about it.

Regarding Christmas, make your own arrangement with your own family. If they 'tell' you that they have made arrangements you must say that you have already made plans that can't be changed.

If they make the same arrangements as last year, could you not call around in the morning then go home to enjoy your own Christmas.

If the MIL has to stay with you, she can decide who she wants to spend Christmas with. Is she also embarrassed by the son's behaviour?

I also think your DH should have a word with your BIL about his behaviour. It sounds like he is intimidated by him.

henetha Fri 17-Feb-23 10:03:20

Nothing on earth would make me go near those beastly people again. Avoid them at all costs.

crazyH Fri 17-Feb-23 10:30:49

Such nasty people - cut them out of your life - now !

Shelflife Fri 17-Feb-23 10:33:49

The key to solving this is to speak to your DH and get him to realize how despicable his brother is!! Tell him to put his brother straight ( in no uncertain terms. ) Your husband really should have stepped in long ago. This BIL is rude and unsavory!
Remember, he is doing this because he can and no one is stopping him . He is a bully . Old woman has given you some great responses , use them.
When you get embarrassed / upset in front of him that is rewarding him for his unforgivable behaviour.Get your DH onside ( show him the GN responses) be strong , stand firm and put him firmly in his place. I suspect that when you stand up to him he will back down. He sees you as weak and and therefore an easy target. If all this does fail then keep well away from him , let your DH visit if he wants but keep him out of your life. Good luck. 💐

ParlorGames Fri 17-Feb-23 10:46:31

Regarding arrangements for Christmas etc., keep your plans to yourself and don't mention anything to BIL and SIL. If they ask what you will be doing for Christmas etc simply say "we have already made plans" and shut the conversation down.

In regard to his lurid behaviour I can relate to this. My OH has several brothers and we went to stay with one of them at a holiday park. He had arranged for us to use his friends chalet whilst him and his wife were using their own. When we arrived his wife wasn't there, she was unwell and stayed at home. Bearing in mind that this was the first time I had met this brother, he was so full-on with me. He hugged me a little too tightly when we were introduced and at the bar that evening he got extremely drunk and kept coming on to me whenever my OH was at the toilet or in the bar area. I was mortified at some of the stuff he was saying!
To this day I cannot engage in conversation with him and he really gives me the creeps. I always make sure to never be alone in a room with him and if he phones us I swiftly pass the phone to my OH.

Theexwife Fri 17-Feb-23 11:32:44

Don’t have any contact with them. You do not have to see them or discuss them. Your husband can do as he likes.

Startingover61 Fri 17-Feb-23 12:08:40

Cut off all ties with these vile people. Such people hate to be ignored, but this is what you must try to do. We can’t choose who’s in our family, but we can choose whether or not to spend time with them.

eazybee Fri 17-Feb-23 12:22:48

The key to all this is your last line:
both seem to be getting a high from all of this

They certainly are, and your brother in law gets enjoyment when he embarrasses you with his puerile baiting.
You say you can verbally put someone in their place in a quiet and confident manner. Start doing so and don't rise to his bait, which is his aim.
If he asks you your birthdate, say 'you know perfectly well, six years older than your brother, why ask me again?'
Do you like sex? 'Clearly not as much as you.'
Family arrangements: 'sorry, but we have already made ours and can't alter them. What will you do?'
So much better if you can deliver the putdowns, with an air of faint amusement. and try really hard not to let this overgrown schoolboy rile you. Maintain your dignity, don't flee the room. At the same time make it clear to your husband you expect his support, if he wishes to maintain friendly relations with his brother.

rafichagran Fri 17-Feb-23 12:23:42

The brother in law is a vile, bullying, immature imbecile.His grinning dog wife is not much better.
I think you need to tell your husband you have no plans to see them again.
Your husband is also feeding these troll like people with his silence. He needs to tell his brother his behaviour is not t acceptable. No one should be at the whimms and mercy of a p... taker.
Good luck, and make sure you make your position clear. The whole family sound like Morons.

Cressy Fri 17-Feb-23 12:26:24

Seems to me you have two problems here - your BiL and your husband. The first is easy to resolve. Cut off all contact. Don’t bother with just limiting contact - they are abusive to you and don’t deserve any consideration of their feelings. The second problem is more difficult. If you normally have a good relationship with him them inform him of what you are going to do and why. Ask why he hasn’t supported you previously as it’s obvious it upsets you. That may lead to opening into deeper problems in the marriage of course which you may have to deal with but it sounds like that conversation is well overdue. I wish you luck.