A rant about uncooperative sick husbands

We had a dear friend who had a high power job was great company but he refused to do the bowel screening tests that were sent to him . He died a painful death of bowel cancel .

I think they stick their heads in the sand. Mine refuses to get his prostrate checked. I’ve mentioned to him that he should but he says he doesn’t want anybody fiddling around ‘up there’.

I guess a lot of men never really see a GP until advanced in years!, my DH was about 72 before he met our GP much. Women tend to have met everyone with some gynae or obstetric problem.

When my DD was really ill last year, he needed my help. He shouted for me and I thought he just wanted help in the garden shed and ignored him as I was busy myself and have been told over the years to stop fussing.
I eventually realised he was ill and went to find out what was the matter. He needed my help to get back into the house.
After sitting with him for hours and being told no I eventually phoned 111 and got help.
When he was feeling better he asked why I had not gone immediately and was told I did not think it was important.
He knows now he sometimes needs my help just like I need his and will ask for it.
Man pride takes a fall when they are desperate.

If my late husband felt really ill, his answer to, how are you would be, great thanks and how are you.

I think a once strong man doesnt want to appear weak and doesnt want to have his wife as his carer. I think that's why they try to avoid thinking about and discussing things. Silly, we know, but some mens way. I think we need to have sympathy.

Since my husband has had increased medical problems, I have become his carer and go in with him to see the doctor. Mostly because he cannot remember what medications he is taking or quantities and I can make mental notes of what the doctor has said. This helps everyone and I cannot understand it when men point blank refuse to communicate with their wives (who ultimately end up caring for them).

I have the opposite to a certain extent; DH has a few recent health issues which are being dealt with, and he discusses it with me, but he now seems to feel that only he is permitted to be ill . Example; last night, it was apparent that I was starting to brew a cold; sore throat, stuffy nose, lots of nose blowing so I made myself a lemsip with honey and went to bed. This morning, rather than ask how I am, I got a blow by blow (pardon the pun) description of the symptoms of the cold which he now thinks he has. And worse than mine, of course.

Mine’s stubborn- -and stupid- -
He won’t listen to anyone, me (retired nurse), DD, the GP, Practice nurse etc. He thinks he knows better, always has. So far he’s had a dvt and massive pulmonary embolism, was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes 10 years ago (ignores everything he should do) - it’s now affected his heart. There’s more too.
I have given up. I no long say anything, it’s pointless.

He sounds potentially quite stubborn. Maybe he is worried it's something bad or maybe worried and trying to keep it from you to protect you. I don't really have any advice but you do have my sympathy. Good luck

This must be so hard. I have a much younger friend with husband in his early 50s. All sorts of health issues cumulating, but he just won't do what his doctors have advised him to do- so really not helping himself at all. It puts massive pressure on her, and the children.

I’m sorry!
This shouldn’t be here!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExDancer

My DH has some kind of heart/lung problem and also some kind of orthopaedic problem (he seems to now have one leg shorter than the other and walks with a swaying motion from side to side)
He has seen a doctor, but won't allow me to go with him, and had some tests but never discusses things with me. He's obviously in pain.
This morning I asked if anything was happening about his breathing and mobility problems and he said he was 'waiting'.

Then in his usual way of avoiding a conversation he stood up and went to the bathroom. He copes with what he imagines will be a difficult conversation by walking away.

When he came back I said what was he waiting for? And as he struggled into his jacket he said 'test results' so I said you have to ring the surgery and ask for results, they won't ring or text you unless its bad news.

He said no you didn't have to ask, though he did admit it was a long time.
Then he walked out.
This is just a rant I don't expect any magic solutions.
Thats what happens when I try to 'sit him down and talk'

ExDancer Then he walked out.

This is just a rant I don't expect any magic solutions. Thats what happens when I try to 'sit him down and talk'

Ranting is good as there really is no solution. Have a rant. I ranted at a friend today, really not fair. Far better to rant here.

You have my sympathy. My DH also has chronic illnesses and it has been really hard getting a balance between respecting his privacy and making sure he acknowledges and meets his own needs ( made more complicated by a strong history of undiagnosed autistic traits in his family)
Just when i think we’re winning, he pretends all is ok when it isn’t and chaos ensues.
I chip away at it and remind him that he has protocols to follow… which he follows more easily than my advice.

One compromise that we have managed is that he shows me his consultant’s letters and i take photos of them and we keep the photos on a shared medical WhatsApp. Then i can read them to him if necessary.

If things are going really pear shaped i give him a time limited warning…”if you haven’t improved or asked for medical advice by such o’clock i will be asking for help”
I’ve actually done it so he knows i mean business.
Eeeeeeee !

op, will he talk with someone else about it? Another family member or friend?

My sympathy too there is nothing worse than being stubborn. There is privacy well yes but when it's health issues and problems that's different in a relationship.
If the DH needs extra help who is the one going to give it the wife of course. Perfectly normal to want to know results and there should really be no holding back with information.

We recently returned from New Zealand and therefore we were on a very long flight. Two days after we returned my DH complained of pain on his leg. The next day it was still there and he wondered aloud if it was a DVT. I then insisted that he get medical advice, and so after some argy bargy he eventually rang 111. They made an appointment for him at the walk in clinic to get it checked out. I said I’m going with you. He told he wasn’t going, it would go away on its own. An argument ensued where I insisted he went and got checked out. He told me I wasn’t allowed to go with him but I said no way, I’m going. Long story short, it turned out not to be a DVT. But why on earth was he so awkward about it? But it seems men are. (He’s awkward about any aspect of medical care whatsoever in fact.)

When I have ( eventually) suggested DH should go to the doctor about something, and he does, he acknowledges that I was right and that I always am. He just needs a shove.

I wonder sometimes if it's more burying their head in the sand? If they don't discuss it, the problem isn't there? Very frustrating for you though

He is of course entitled to his privacy - but he is not entitled to put his wife through unnecessary anxiety - and indeed rather rude - walking out of the room is what teenagers do.

Sitting down with you and saying that he has had some tests but he does not feel ready to discuss these yet and that he will talk with you about it when the results come through is the adult thing to do.

His behaviour is not acceptable and I am not in the least surprised that you feel the need to vent.

I have been there. I knew by watching him my OH had Parkinsons - and I knew that he knew - he was a doctor and could hardly fail to know. But he would neither discuss it nor go to GP (his partners) for a definitive diagnosis. This went on for months and months. When he did finally go and get properly diagnosed - which I understood, as he was waiting till he thought treatment might be of benefit - he refused to have anyone else know - not even our dear loving daughters.

I am afraid I put my foot down and said that there was absolutely no way I would live a lie with our DDs - I simply could not have dine it.

Looking back, one of the very annoying things was that initially - and for a long time - he would not discuss it with me at all - but I was the one who finished up doing his care (and there was a lot of it), which I did willingly, but sometimes I feel sad that he was happy for me to do that, but not happy to act like a partnership when the diagnosis was pending when I felt totally shut out. Life can be complicated.

A positive thing our practice has started is blood results and test results being put on line. I had bloods taken last week and results were on line next day but getting ANY GP appointment is nearly impossible.

Maybe he has had the results but does not want to talk about it yet. If he needs help or support he may discuss it with you then.

We are all entitled to privacy.

Have you register with your husband's gp as his carer. You need his consent but then the gp will discuss things with you.

You have my sympathy. DH is often like this, though since he had his heart attack last month and has been greatly dependent on me he has had to become more communicative and honest. I need to have further difficult conversations with him, but it is hard to start. Any stress or anxiety can bring on his angina.
I think you just have to make the most of any good moments to talk.