I just don’t know what to do.

Good for you, you've made the first step.

👏👏👏 Libby. Carry on and don’t look back.

I’m so relieved to read that you have started to take steps. Well done you 😊

If you can, I would move back into the spare room. Don’t just sleep in there. Make it your own… a haven of your own. Somewhere where you can read in the night if you are restless, or make a cuppa and drink it in bed, or listen to the radio etc. I say this because living with a man who has called all the shots appears to have taken away your opportunities to look after you. And today that is what you have begun to do.

I’m not sure if you know this, but Relate also provide counselling for people whose marriages are unlikely to carry on. You can go on your own and they can help you to work out your own priorities, whatever the outcome.

Good luck. Please keep us posted.

LibbyR, great start, you have made progress. While you are waiting for the Drs appointment how about a bit of self care at the hairdressers and the beautician. I know it sounds trivial with everything going on but you deserve a boost. Good luck

I’ve made an appointment with a solicitor next week and a GP telephone appointment in 3 weeks (which was the soonest they could offer me). Thank you for the input, I’m not sure if I feel better or worse for sharing. I know I certainly feel sad and lonely which isn’t how you should feel if you’re married to someone who loves and respects you. I did move into another bedroom last year but I moved back into our room again a few months later as my husband accused me of not making any effort in our marriage however we have no physical or emotional intimacy and I actually feel more lonely lying next to him than I felt in another room. Financially things are not as straightforward as they could be and I have childminding commitments and many animals to consider, otherwise I’d just pick up and leave for a few weeks. However I feel that I have made some progress today. Thank you.

and why are you still sleeping in the same room, let alone bed ?
surely such a fine house has a spare bedroom.
in there tonight.
if he says anything, sound vague, distant, you can't sleep.

do not confront him.
go see a solicitor about divorce.
do not tell him at this stage.
make a will in favour of your children.
maybe leave a copy of that lying around with solicitor's details.
so that he knows if you were to die he would not benefit.
he finds you boring, irritating, annoying.
he would rather be completely free to live as he pleases.
the only reason he doesn't want to divorce is because he loves the house and is too mean to buy you out.
this all puts you in a very vulnerable position.
you have said that you are not fit, are struggling.
men have killed for far less.
take urgent advice now.
solicitor. womens aid. children.

I think you need to look into what an emotional affair is.

They are extremely damaging to relationships and often feel worse than physical infidelity.

Your feelings are valid.

I would not discuss this directly with him yet if he is not in a place to listen but rather get advice for yourself first on how to manage this

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202203/is-your-partner-having-emotional-affair

It is rare for posters to agree on GN - usually seems a 50-50 to a 30-70 split on any post. We all seemingly agree.

Either Armageddon is nigh or you may want to listen!

Do you have to admit to the phone looking though ? surely his behaviour when you went away together is enough to talk to him about You need to tell him his behaviour at the last car meet up was totally unacceptable driving off with her for the parade etc should not be accepted by you He’s an arrogant axxx
Leave, however bad it feels to be alone it can’t be worse than living with someone who does not value you at all

You need to look after yourself and I agree with others start looking at other possibilities. I am on my 4 th marriage and have had to start from scratch every time but you know what it is better than been abused and this is what is happening to you. A marriage is about sharing and caring and if he cannot do that then there is no point. I bet he is scared of divorce as it will cost him dearly . Personally I’d start squirrelling money away I bet he has espeacilly if he has his own business . Your priority is you. Just a thought could you go and stay with your children for a week or so to see what happens . If he cares he should contact you whilst you’re away . Good luck in what ever you decided

This sounds very similar to the situation I was in some years ago. For some reason, many people don’t realise how fortunate they are and, because they’re selfish and disrespectful, they think it’s perfectly fine to cheat on their long-term spouse. It isn’t. Once my (now ex) husband started straying, he didn’t stop. I divorced him in 2017, when I was 59, and started all over again. It isn’t easy but it is possible. You must put yourself first now, and consider your future. Personally, I would rather be on my own. You don’t have to put up with his behaviour.

IrishDancing He must suspect that you’re looking at his phone otherwise why would he delete the messages?

Maybe.

Or perhaps he is a liar, a cheat, an arse not worthy of "LibbyR*.

Whichever, get planning, hush, and hold your cards close.

Dear Libby,

What do YOU want to do - deep down inside yourself.

To me it sounds as if you still love your husband, but is this enough, when there is no longer any intimacy and he doesn't seem to see the problem you see?

Sit down and work out whether you can afford to divorce your husband. Take legal advice or get your bank or an accountant to help if you are unsure about the money aspect.

Obviously, money is not the important thing here, but there is a great deal of difference in knowing that you have little hope of making a tolerable life financially on your own, and knowing that you can make a financially secure life after divorce.

So start there.

You have the rest of your life to live, you know. Make it as happy as you can.

No need to tell him you looked at his phone.

You have already told him that his friendship with this other woman worries you, and that the lack of love and emotional support in you marriage troubles you too.

So put yourself and your wishes first.

He must suspect that you’re looking at his phone otherwise why would he delete the messages? Forget about that. See a solicitor; move into the spare room; see your GP about antidepressants/anti anxiety medication. When you start to feel a bit better try to get out and about, preferably a class or group where you’ll meet other people. I know it sounds superficial but maybe a different hairstyle/beauty treatment might help boost your confidence. You’re young, you have a lot of living to do, please get out there and live!

Eazybee is right. Follow her list. Life is too short. You deserve better. Be brave my girl. x

Excellent advice Norah.

eazybee

Oh dear.
It seems as though you are in a marriage of convenience, for him rather than for you, as long as you 'pay your way.' You say since retiring things are becoming a struggle, and I think you need to start addressing this. H e has browbeaten you into submission but now your financial position has changed and he needs to start paying rather more. See a solicitor and clarify exactly what his obligations are towards you, and at the same time what your position would be should you divorce.
Next, address your self-esteem and spend what you can afford on improving this: hobbies, interests, beauty treatments, possibly getting fitter, building up your life.
Your husband sounds extremely selfish; you have virtually supported yourself throughout your marriage and have received little in the way of affection. and support. He won't discuss anything and you seem terrified if he discovers you have checked his phone, yet he is scared of divorce because he may lose your joint property.
Have a long hard think about what you want out of life and decide what changes you want; your husband isn't prepared to change (at present) so you have to take the initiative. You are plenty young enough to start a new life; do you want to spend it with him? Is he realistically going to change? But don't accept his girlfriend, without a fight; use her as ammunition.

This ^^

Make time to see a solicitor. You hold all the cards - he doesn't want to split the house, his assets, his business - of course he doesn't want divorce. But, to my view you've no marriage to save, so get moving on a divorce.

1) Solicitor
2) Depression tablets for you - Goodness knows anyone would be depressed in this situation, get mental help
3) Exercise, walk, clear your head, eat well
4) Ignore the phone, situation is way too volatile, leave that bit to the side, unless you just tell your solicitor, no more telling friends. Hush.
5) Pray, meditate, whatever soothes you

Oh dear.
It seems as though you are in a marriage of convenience, for him rather than for you, as long as you 'pay your way.' You say since retiring things are becoming a struggle, and I think you need to start addressing this. H e has browbeaten you into submission but now your financial position has changed and he needs to start paying rather more. See a solicitor and clarify exactly what his obligations are towards you, and at the same time what your position would be should you divorce.
Next, address your self-esteem and spend what you can afford on improving this: hobbies, interests, beauty treatments, possibly getting fitter, building up your life.
Your husband sounds extremely selfish; you have virtually supported yourself throughout your marriage and have received little in the way of affection. and support. He won't discuss anything and you seem terrified if he discovers you have checked his phone, yet he is scared of divorce because he may lose your joint property.
Have a long hard think about what you want out of life and decide what changes you want; your husband isn't prepared to change (at present) so you have to take the initiative. You are plenty young enough to start a new life; do you want to spend it with him? Is he realistically going to change? But don't accept his girlfriend, without a fight; use her as ammunition.

This marriage hasn't been one for years

He doesn't have to allow the divorce - you pursue it

Now, what do you want?

This situation sounds unbearable Libby. He might not be in a sexual relationship with the other woman but he is certainly emotionally involved and in some ways that is more hurtful..
and I don't think that counselling will change that. he's very unlikely to start talking now after essentially cutting you out of his intimate life for so long. I would get yourself a good solicitor and get prepared to legally separate. You are already separated to all intents and purposes. You are really young enough to make a lovely life for yourself when you get rid of this selfish, uncaring man who is prepared to humiliate you publicly... I would not tolerate that and I hope you find the strength to leave him...

I agree with what others say about extricating yourself from this miserable marriage. I also agree that getting a part time job would help you. I read what you said in response to that, but you could surely do something like stacking shelves in a supermarket which would get you out of the house and provide a small income without being too challenging?

I’m sure he wouldn’t want divorce because at the moment it seems as though he has the best of all worlds. He has a comfortable house, a woman friend and can afford vintage cars. Why would he want the expense of a financial settlement if he can avoid it. You don’t deserve this unhappiness.

You don't need to tell him that you have looked at his phone just say that nothing has improved and you should look at separating so you can both move on.
Ask him to suggest proposals for how you go about making this happen? You needn't discuss the other woman but if he should raise it then you need to make it clear that he was out of order and totally inconsiderate of your feelings and you don't want to continue in this way any more.
Don't allow him to shut you down because it appears to me that he has been dictating your relationship and is happy to leave things trundling along while he does whatever he wants irrespective of how you feel.
If he tries to avoid the issue then perhaps initially you need to take the bull by the horns as it were and move into another bedroom and start living separate lives. You can look at what help you need to help you feel better about yourself without any recourse to him. Maybe see about short term anti-depressants from your GP because you are/have been stressed and or depressed and start looking after yourself now. He's not prepared to help you so you must help yourself and look forward to a happier life.
I just feel you need time for you and if that means you take the caravan off yourself for a few weeks by the sea without him then so be it - he does it so why not you?

You need to get to the bottom of this but it does sound as if your relationship is in a bad place. You mention finances which he doesn’t want to discuss. Well if you were to divorce him you would be entitled to half of his assets, including the house, his cars and possibly his company. It could be worth talking to a solicitor to find out just where you stand. It may help you with a hard decision which you may soon have to make. Good luck with it all.