I just don’t know what to do.

What a horrible situation to be in Libby.
My mum was in a Similar position and I begged her to leave but she didn’t have the courage and things only got worse.
Talk to your children or confide in a good friend. Work out your finances to see where you stand if you leave and keep a note of any incidents just in case it’s needed in Future.
Best wishes and good luck

My heart goes out to you Libby, this is an intolerable situation to find yourself in.

If I've read your OP correctly, you are 58 so still have plenty of life to live so perhaps you should give some serious thought as to whether or not you wish to spend the rest of your life in this unhappy marriage.

Please don't feel stupid because you're not. Having witnessed his behaviour with this woman, it's understandable that you checked his 'phone, I'm just sorry that having done so has added to your anxiety and unhappiness.

It may help you to make a decision to get some legal advice and find out what your financial situation would be if you were to divorce. You can then take time to consider your options and work out what is best for you.

I understand your fear of being alone but it sounds as if you are anyway. You live with your H but there doesn't appear to be any love or companionship in your marriage.

You deserve to be loved, be happy and to be treated with respect .

Hi
Sorry you're going through this - it sounds as though your biggest dilemma isn't about the fact that you looked at his phone, but what to do about your marriage. He wants to stay married, and doesn't want counselling, but where does this leave you?

Even if this other woman wasn't in the picture, it sounds to me as though you need to give him an ultimatum - counselling or divorce.

Also if you can get yourself a part time job, that would be a good way to start building a life for yourself and not be focussed so much on what is going on with him.

You have plenty of time left so please don't stay in a miserable marriage - if things don't change, you will be stuck with him for a long time, and you deserve better.

Sorry but I d rather be on my own 100 times over than live like this
You are jealous for a reason it does sound as if he has moved on whether sexually or just friendly (wouldn’t really buy that myself but that’s me) he s definitely getting his fun and interest elsewhere and I couldn’t live with that so I d be off and let him do what he wants
Sounds a horrible situation and he isn’t going to change is he, he’s got his home and his fun

He sounds like a selfish, uncaring man. What possible reason is there to stay with him, other than for financial reasons? If he refuses to communicate and refuses counselling, there’s no hope. I would personally rather get by on less and live alone than put up with this.

I think you need to find out more about the relationship your husband has with this woman. You need to ask him outright if this is more than a friendship.
It doesn't sound to me as though you are getting very much from your marriage.
It is hard to confront situations like this but you need to or you could carry on being unhappy.

You're going through a difficult time so you need to be kind to yourself. Don't put any pressure on yourself to make a decision, there will come a point when you just know.

VB000

Hi
Sorry you're going through this - it sounds as though your biggest dilemma isn't about the fact that you looked at his phone, but what to do about your marriage. He wants to stay married, and doesn't want counselling, but where does this leave you?

Even if this other woman wasn't in the picture, it sounds to me as though you need to give him an ultimatum - counselling or divorce.

Also if you can get yourself a part time job, that would be a good way to start building a life for yourself and not be focussed so much on what is going on with him.

You have plenty of time left so please don't stay in a miserable marriage - if things don't change, you will be stuck with him for a long time, and you deserve better.

When I tell him I’ve seen his phone he will make it all about the fact that I’ve had the audacity to disrespect his privacy and he will say that there’s nothing incriminating been said, but it’s the cosy friendliness of their messages that’s really hurt me. He’s told her personal things about his health and enquired after hers.

At the moment I’m in no fit state to work, I’m a mess and I can barely string a sentence together. I certainly wouldn’t be able to sell myself at an interview. I used to be strong, confident and independent and now I’m just trying to get through each day. With living costs rising I’m struggling financially without touching my lump sum. So I have no spare money for treats or trips, holidays etc.

Libby you are still young whether you realise that or not, so don’t spend the next 30 or more years in this unhappy and loveless situation. Do what my mum couldn’t, make a new and happier life for yourself.

Libby, do not feel guilty about checking his phone!! He may, as you say go ballistic - LET HIM.
You have every reason to doubt him , and who wouldn't? I know I could not tolerate this situation I would be off asap. I recognize your distress and that just now you are so upset and unable to think straight. Please talk to a trusted friend or a counsellor. You will then be in a position to ask yourself if you really want to stay with your husband. There is a great future ahead of you ! Take advantage of that and do not feel bad about looking at his messages. He may well blame you for going behind his back but he is the one causing you to check his phone!!!! Be brave 💐💐

It sounds as though you have drifted apart over time. You need to think how your life would look living alone.If that is what you would prefer then the relationship he has with his friend is irelevant.

If you decide you want to part, sit him down and tell him. Then discuss how it will work financially, either selling the house or him buying you out.

You need to get to the bottom of this but it does sound as if your relationship is in a bad place. You mention finances which he doesn’t want to discuss. Well if you were to divorce him you would be entitled to half of his assets, including the house, his cars and possibly his company. It could be worth talking to a solicitor to find out just where you stand. It may help you with a hard decision which you may soon have to make. Good luck with it all.

You don't need to tell him that you have looked at his phone just say that nothing has improved and you should look at separating so you can both move on.
Ask him to suggest proposals for how you go about making this happen? You needn't discuss the other woman but if he should raise it then you need to make it clear that he was out of order and totally inconsiderate of your feelings and you don't want to continue in this way any more.
Don't allow him to shut you down because it appears to me that he has been dictating your relationship and is happy to leave things trundling along while he does whatever he wants irrespective of how you feel.
If he tries to avoid the issue then perhaps initially you need to take the bull by the horns as it were and move into another bedroom and start living separate lives. You can look at what help you need to help you feel better about yourself without any recourse to him. Maybe see about short term anti-depressants from your GP because you are/have been stressed and or depressed and start looking after yourself now. He's not prepared to help you so you must help yourself and look forward to a happier life.
I just feel you need time for you and if that means you take the caravan off yourself for a few weeks by the sea without him then so be it - he does it so why not you?

I’m sure he wouldn’t want divorce because at the moment it seems as though he has the best of all worlds. He has a comfortable house, a woman friend and can afford vintage cars. Why would he want the expense of a financial settlement if he can avoid it. You don’t deserve this unhappiness.

I agree with what others say about extricating yourself from this miserable marriage. I also agree that getting a part time job would help you. I read what you said in response to that, but you could surely do something like stacking shelves in a supermarket which would get you out of the house and provide a small income without being too challenging?

This situation sounds unbearable Libby. He might not be in a sexual relationship with the other woman but he is certainly emotionally involved and in some ways that is more hurtful..
and I don't think that counselling will change that. he's very unlikely to start talking now after essentially cutting you out of his intimate life for so long. I would get yourself a good solicitor and get prepared to legally separate. You are already separated to all intents and purposes. You are really young enough to make a lovely life for yourself when you get rid of this selfish, uncaring man who is prepared to humiliate you publicly... I would not tolerate that and I hope you find the strength to leave him...

This marriage hasn't been one for years

He doesn't have to allow the divorce - you pursue it

Now, what do you want?

Oh dear.
It seems as though you are in a marriage of convenience, for him rather than for you, as long as you 'pay your way.' You say since retiring things are becoming a struggle, and I think you need to start addressing this. H e has browbeaten you into submission but now your financial position has changed and he needs to start paying rather more. See a solicitor and clarify exactly what his obligations are towards you, and at the same time what your position would be should you divorce.
Next, address your self-esteem and spend what you can afford on improving this: hobbies, interests, beauty treatments, possibly getting fitter, building up your life.
Your husband sounds extremely selfish; you have virtually supported yourself throughout your marriage and have received little in the way of affection. and support. He won't discuss anything and you seem terrified if he discovers you have checked his phone, yet he is scared of divorce because he may lose your joint property.
Have a long hard think about what you want out of life and decide what changes you want; your husband isn't prepared to change (at present) so you have to take the initiative. You are plenty young enough to start a new life; do you want to spend it with him? Is he realistically going to change? But don't accept his girlfriend, without a fight; use her as ammunition.

eazybee

Oh dear.
It seems as though you are in a marriage of convenience, for him rather than for you, as long as you 'pay your way.' You say since retiring things are becoming a struggle, and I think you need to start addressing this. H e has browbeaten you into submission but now your financial position has changed and he needs to start paying rather more. See a solicitor and clarify exactly what his obligations are towards you, and at the same time what your position would be should you divorce.
Next, address your self-esteem and spend what you can afford on improving this: hobbies, interests, beauty treatments, possibly getting fitter, building up your life.
Your husband sounds extremely selfish; you have virtually supported yourself throughout your marriage and have received little in the way of affection. and support. He won't discuss anything and you seem terrified if he discovers you have checked his phone, yet he is scared of divorce because he may lose your joint property.
Have a long hard think about what you want out of life and decide what changes you want; your husband isn't prepared to change (at present) so you have to take the initiative. You are plenty young enough to start a new life; do you want to spend it with him? Is he realistically going to change? But don't accept his girlfriend, without a fight; use her as ammunition.

This ^^

Make time to see a solicitor. You hold all the cards - he doesn't want to split the house, his assets, his business - of course he doesn't want divorce. But, to my view you've no marriage to save, so get moving on a divorce.

1) Solicitor
2) Depression tablets for you - Goodness knows anyone would be depressed in this situation, get mental help
3) Exercise, walk, clear your head, eat well
4) Ignore the phone, situation is way too volatile, leave that bit to the side, unless you just tell your solicitor, no more telling friends. Hush.
5) Pray, meditate, whatever soothes you

Excellent advice Norah.

Eazybee is right. Follow her list. Life is too short. You deserve better. Be brave my girl. x

He must suspect that you’re looking at his phone otherwise why would he delete the messages? Forget about that. See a solicitor; move into the spare room; see your GP about antidepressants/anti anxiety medication. When you start to feel a bit better try to get out and about, preferably a class or group where you’ll meet other people. I know it sounds superficial but maybe a different hairstyle/beauty treatment might help boost your confidence. You’re young, you have a lot of living to do, please get out there and live!

Dear Libby,

What do YOU want to do - deep down inside yourself.

To me it sounds as if you still love your husband, but is this enough, when there is no longer any intimacy and he doesn't seem to see the problem you see?

Sit down and work out whether you can afford to divorce your husband. Take legal advice or get your bank or an accountant to help if you are unsure about the money aspect.

Obviously, money is not the important thing here, but there is a great deal of difference in knowing that you have little hope of making a tolerable life financially on your own, and knowing that you can make a financially secure life after divorce.

So start there.

You have the rest of your life to live, you know. Make it as happy as you can.

No need to tell him you looked at his phone.

You have already told him that his friendship with this other woman worries you, and that the lack of love and emotional support in you marriage troubles you too.

So put yourself and your wishes first.

IrishDancing He must suspect that you’re looking at his phone otherwise why would he delete the messages?

Maybe.

Or perhaps he is a liar, a cheat, an arse not worthy of "LibbyR*.

Whichever, get planning, hush, and hold your cards close.