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Struggling with husbands disability

(38 Posts)
Notjustaprettyface Sun 05-Mar-23 17:27:20

My husband is partially disabled
Due to a condition yet to be confirmed , he has very poor balance and can fall easily
Indeed he has had several falls in the last few weeks
He has physio exercises that he needs to do but he is very reluctant to do them and when he does them
, he doesn’t do them very well
His attitude overall is very negative and I try and help him as much as I can but he is also unpleasant to me at times
The medical world isn’t helping us and our adult kids are too busy with their young children to be able to do much
I feel at the end of my patience very often and I don’t know what to do
For example , should I force him yo do the exercises ?
I feel I need respite but don’t quite know how to go about it
I am very low and don’t think I can carry on much longer
Any suggestions please ?

Fleurpepper Mon 06-Mar-23 17:26:30

Of course Lucky, each case is different. But if specialists advised him to do physio and he refuses, he is deliberately not aiding his recovery, and putting more pressure on others. It can become a form of cohercive control.

kittylester Mon 06-Mar-23 17:31:21

I suspect that the op's husband could be depressed. And, who wouldn't be.

Redhead56 Mon 06-Mar-23 19:27:22

Illness does cause anger and frustration and it’s usually taken out on loved ones never to outsiders. I know from personal experience and did reach the end of my tether looking after my mum.
You have been given some good advice on where to get help. I hope you do it will help you to have more time to yourself. 💐

Notjustaprettyface Mon 06-Mar-23 20:30:40

Thank you so much everyone for your support and all the advice
I will have to reread all of it to take it all in
Knowing they there are people out there with similar situations does help even if the actual problems can’t be totally sorted out
This is where forums like this are great
Thank you

Fleurpepper Mon 06-Mar-23 20:34:02


I suspect that the op's husband could be depressed. And, who wouldn't be.

Indeed- but this is very hard on the OP. She may well be depressed to, especially if her OH doesn't want to do what is required to help himself, and her too.

hollysteers Mon 06-Mar-23 22:50:03

Can your adult children not help in some way? Do they know that you are not coping?
My husband had multiple health issues and I knew I had to be ‘selfish’ in a sense to hold it all together. I had a small caravan in the country 50 miles away and my DS would come over and stay for a couple of nights. How I loved those breaks! Also remaining in a drama society etc. A ‘phone call to check on your DH and time to feel like one’s old self.

You need your own life, which is being swallowed up by your DH and can lead to you becoming completely drained.
Do try and arrange things so you get out more.
You will be no use to anyone if you do not look after yourself.

Hithere Mon 06-Mar-23 23:39:14

How can the adult children help in this case?
Talk to the father? Made him take his meds?

You can take the horse to the water but you cannot make him drink

There is a point where professional help is needed to take care of a relative

So many cases reach that level but relatives choose to burn out instead

62Granny Tue 07-Mar-23 12:28:12

Ask your GP. If there is a national exercise referral scheme in your area and if that would be more suitable for your husband , they are usually group classes for usually older people who have mobility or breathing problems sometimes being part of a group is better than you trying to get them motivated at home. Also see if there are any men's groups in your area Facebook can be a good source of information like this so Get the kids on board to find out what is out there, they are sometimes classed as men's sheds type of group. At least you would get an hour or two respite a week and it is surprising how this can motivate them into doing a bit more . There has also been a big drive in our area on men's health and wellbeing support.
You can encourage say we will do some of the exercises together but perhaps getting him motivated is the initial problem as they can't see past what is wrong with them here and now.
My husband had a stroke 5 years ago that has left him with mobility problems but getting trainers who are trained has motivated him much more than I ever could. We do pay privately for this but it is worth every penny.

Fleurpepper Tue 07-Mar-23 14:13:59

So glad it has helped 62granny. But the problem here is that Notjustaprettyface's OH doesn't want to do the exercises and would probably refuse outside help. That is what is making things so difficult for her (and him too, but it is his choice).

Carenza123 Wed 08-Mar-23 07:52:12

My husband’s mobility has changed in four years and he walks with the aid of two sticks inside the house and can only walk outside for a very short distance. He has various problems but nothing life threatening. He still drives but I feel he is lacking confidence with that. I have to do everything for him, but he could do more for himself if he wanted to. Because I am reasonably healthy for my age (I count myself lucky) but it is very draining. My children last year asked him to step up and help me more but that hasn’t happened. He would love it if I spent all day looking at mindless tv together. I just feel he is so selfish and it is a battle to just think of getting me a hot drink. He has lots of support and advice from medical professionals but I know he can’t be bothered to help himself. He has no interests despite my encouragement.

JenniferPearson Fri 31-Mar-23 05:33:25

I'm sorry to hear that you and your husband have run into some difficulties. That you're feeling frustrated and overworked is totally normal. Always keep in mind that it is acceptable to ask for assistance and look for comfort from others. Have you thought about connecting with a caregiver support group or making an appointment with a therapist or counselor? You could also seek the opinion of your husband's doctor about the difficulties you're encountering. Take care of yourself, too; if you need a break or some time off, don't be embarrassed to ask for it.

LRavenscroft Fri 31-Mar-23 08:31:54

I am really sorry to read about your present situation. Whilst not my husband, it was my two parents and father in law in their 90s, who brought me to a standstill. My father could be quite abusive threatening to disinherit me if I did not do my duty, my mother kicked me and insulted me as she had dementia, my father in law was infatuated with a women years his junior and was shovelling all his spare money into impressing her whilst we did all the caringand meanwhile my husband got grumpy if I spoke to him about it all. I went to see my GP and he told me that the problem should be shared and if I felt I could not cope to get the whole family and parents together and explain the situation. It is not just down to you. Like any team, it is about family. There is always the excuse that the children have their busy lives but often these lives include skiing holidays, children having to be taken to horse riding lessons, friends around for dinner. BUT your situation is vital for the survival of the older generation. In times gone by the whole family rallied. Now the responsibility falls on the shoulders of normally the spouse. Please speak out and stand up for yourself and express your needs to so that ALL your family are aware of what they can contribute. Sorry, if this sounds all a bit loud, but I allowed myself to be totally burnt out and it has taken SIX years to feel vaguely normal again, but, believe me, I avoid anyone outside the family who 'needs' me to drive them to anything, provide support etc as I 'need' me too! Wishing you all the very best!