Role Reversal

Not struggling financially but my son has been, and continues to be, a great help with sorting difficult things out for me. For example, my brother - a single man - died suddenly in China a few years ago, and I was overwhelmed (as next of kin) with the paperwork and practicalities involved as a result, especially as the death certificate was in Chinese ! My son could see I was struggling and just took over and sorted everything out. I'm slowly accepting the fact that he is, by now, far more capable than I am. So if / when the time comes that I need his help to sort out finances, I will have no hesitation in asking for his advice and help as he has done with me over the years. Complete trust and mutual respect!

When I had some work done to my home recently, my son asked if he could contribute something.
I refused, thanking him as I could afford the work....

His response was that I had raised him alone and supported him though education etc to allow him to be in the position that he is now and that he wanted to give me a little something back. There was no other agenda.
I accepted it.

As someone else has said, isn't that what families do?

Good lord Biglouis - I don’t think any of us “thoughtlessly” brought our children into this world nor expect them to care for us in our old age - I cared for my dear parents and mother in law, now both my parents have passed and mum in law in residential care but none of them expected anything from us and were most appreciative and very generous to us and our children both financially and with their time. Did you not help your elderly parents, who I’m sure thought it through thoroughly before bringing you into this world ?? 😊

DH and I were always very independent but he always sorted out the savings/investments side of things. However since DH passed away I have relied very heavily on DS to help me sort out financial affairs, probate, car insurance etc things I have never dealt with in the past and I have been so very thankful for his help. I would take any advice offered form your daughter, she is probably only too willing to help sort things out for you.

I am a bit iffy about accepting financial help from anyone- not that I have really asked for it and certainly not received much other than the normal gifts of ‘buy yourself something nice’! Many years ago I once asked someone close to borrow a small amount (about £20) for a very short time when I had split up from my partner and was going through a tough few weeks. They refused and gave me a lecture about money management which stung as they had never been in my position! So no, I would not like to receive money as such from my children although, as others here have said, a gift of a larger necessary item or a holiday treat might be ok. I don’t see it happening any time soon though! I have been fiercely independent since divorcing and would hate to be under the obligation that I might feel was due. Plus I have helped out my children in the past and continue us to do so with one in the present!

I have to admit to being rather envious of you NanaPlenty. Many of my friends are still supporting their adult children, financially or with mental/physical health issues, single parenthood, etc, despite being in their 60s and 70s themselves. Somewhere in the last 50 years we have mostly ditched the ethic that children have a "moral duty of care" for their parents as they get older, (although in some cultures this is still very strong) but we now have the reverse situation that many adult children are enormously reliant on their ageing parents. I'm therefore encouraged to read that so many Gransnetters have children who are now being supportive of them, so, yes, I would say accept whatever help is offered.

It's great. What a lovely daughter you have raised NanaPlenty! I'm sure she will love to help you. Take with gratitude - you will give back with your appreciation. The first time my two elder sons took me out for a meal was both wonderful and awkward, but I'm getting more used to that sort of thing, even though I still help them out when I can. It's the circle of life.

My heart bursts with pride when my son blithely pays for meals out etc. we struggled so much when he was young and I was a single mum. Now both he and my daughter are independent with families of their own and high earning jobs, I’m just proud of them.

I was widowed at 49 and there were occasions in the early days when I felt more like the child. However, when I returned to work and my daughter got involved with her busy life again things returned to normal. Be patient (and tolerant!) and life will gradually return to normal. Life is hard for many at the moment with prices being what they are. If roles were reversed and your children were struggling you would help them and they would no doubt gratefully accept. Could you agree to accept help for a limited period with something specific. Heating/fuel costs maybe? They want to help. Can you do something to help them in the short term? I stay at my daughter’s for 3 days a week looking after the children before and after school and feel guilty that I need the heating on while they are at work so I try to pay that back a bit by doing the washing, preparing the evening meal etc. They appreciate that because it gives them time they wouldn’t otherwise have.

No way woukd I be able to help out my AC financially, theur incomes are far far higher than I ever had. If I needed a new household appliance and was finding it difficult to afford I would accept any offer of help. Surely AC wouldn't offer if they didn't want to, perhaps just a cobtribution if not the whole cost. As for downsizing, I consider that almost weekly but unless I am prepared to move to a much less appropriate area I would like I would pay more than what I could raise on my 4 bed detached. Demand on smaller properties is horrendous.

Depends entirely on what 'give their help' means does'nt it? If you are perfectly fine to fully manage your own financial affairs and they were only offering to help sort them out then turn them down politely & nicely and do your own- you could always say you will take them up on their kind offer if your budget does'nt work out- but if theyre offering you actual money and you think you may need it or if you may have done same for them maybe back when they were not so well-ish off, then accept it if you need it or ask if can accept only in an emergency situation like a new appliance needed or major repairs or an extra huge bill not expected or some suchlike? That way you hang on to your independance as long as you can.Then they can feel like you've not snubbed their offer to help.🤔

In same boat cossy- except its elder son who drives- but theyre still at home (disabilities) one 19 at college going uni in september (youngest) but all he gets is very basic in UC benefit for his board & lodgings and everything else he needs (despite being disabled) & a very basic PIP (this pays for his computer plus his share of council tax as hes apparently not exempt though hes at college?) So i subsidise him heavily although im paying much towards our rent and a big council tax bill.plus all our other outgoings.Elder son pays some board & lodgings (nearly twice what younger does) as hes got more than him.But he pays for running of car (car replaced recently) but he saved up for that- but any repairs, parts etc will all be paid by him-plus he has outgoings of his own& clothes etc.I pay deisal if its to give me or his brother lifts.So despite the fact im advised to need a bungalow now i cant see them ever moving out as i do all their phone calls & attend appts, fill in forms etc with both- and 3bed bungalows are gold dust.So no downsizing..and still stuck with big fuel bills.and big food bills etc..We managed great till i took a house nearer college for son last year.Now we're struggling as i lost half my money.And house is big old thing and costs loads to heat.Ive mentioned our struggle to my older AC but none has offered monetry help- i think maybe they are all struggling a bit themselves due to rising costs on everything-plus kids tofeed & clothe, Or maybe they assume ill manage same as i always did?So yes cossy i understand your situation right now.I still do so much for youngest AC its a worry he'll ever be able to manage.(he's disabled AND lazy so not a good combo) He wont be able to go live in uni residence hall either- cant afford & cant manage alone) So definitely still no little bungalow.🙄

henetha: If you have an Enduring Power of Attorney, it lasts forever. However, some of the newer bank staff don't understand EPAs and the fact that they can be used as a normal Power of Attorney until you have "lost your marbles".
But, once you have "lost your marbles" it has to be registered by your Attorney(s) and can't be used in that situation until it has been registered (which often takes much longer than it should at a time when you might need to act quickly). It also does NOT give your Attorneys power over your body: they can't use it to make decisions about your welfare (if you need to go into a nursing home, for example).
There are two new Lasting Powers of Attorney: one for Financial and Property Affairs; and the other for Health and Welfare. It is recommended that these are registered as soon as they are completed (which will also pick up any mistakes that have been made before you are considered incapable of making a new LPA to correct a mistake).
Once registered, LPAs can be used before you "lose your marbles" if needed: e.g. you are in hospital for a hip replacement, but a financial situation needs to be dealt with. It's easy to think it won't happen to us, but the unexpected can always occur!

After looking after my husband (without his wage ) through 27 years of illness I was finially convinced by my kids that due to my deteriorating health ( third stroke last year) he needed full time residential care! He’s been in care now for 6 months …he’s content …well fed… beautifully kept clean…. and most important he’s warm! Of course , his pensions went to pay for his care. I’m left near penniless…..as I have a house to upkeep…direct debits to meet….at a time when costs are spiralling out of control . My two kids asked if I was ‘coping’ …I told them yes….but I haven’t had the heating on since 31st January ….just cannot afford it. Even so after my expenses I’m left with £45 per week to ‘live on’ . It isn’t easy. But I’m not eating meat anymore and the bonus is I’ve dropped a stone in six months….swings- and -roundabouts!
But I tell my kids I’m fine. They hardly come near ….but if they do I quickly put heating on , and play ‘make believe’ . So I will not involve my kids with my monetary problems…. they have enough to do with their wages. What they don’t know won’t harm them. I’m permanently cold …but that’s better than being hungry. And ….winter too shall end!

At the moment we have more 'spare' money than either of our sons, who both have families still at school and one has a mortgage. Both are teachers and will never be high earners. We are helping out quite a bit with car repair bills, home improvements and topping up pensions for one of them. I think probably if we do get to the stage where roles are reversed it would be practical help we might get from them rather than financial, but you never know what the future holds. DH says we have to remember that they may be choosing our care homes!

Like you, NanaPlenty, our children are very well off and always offering to pay for things when we are quite able to manage ourselves. However, we do let them pay sometimes as I know how much pleasure it gives them. I well remember my mother not accepting things from us and I always felt rejected at being denied the pleasure of giving back to someone who had given so much to me.

My daughter lives 50 miles away . The route is familiar to me but now she doesn’t think I should be driving there. Other arrangements can be made which involve being picked up at a station by her and driven to her house in the country. I feel that she’s looking out for me but is this a loss of my independence?

I think I would accept the offer. Perhaps they could pay for one of your utility bills rather than handing over money. I’m sure you would help them if the roles were reversed.

I guess I'm in the role reversal category, since I really do not care about this stuff any more.

Sounds like dd is a credit to you (pun intended)! Take any help practically or otherwise and be assured you are in a loving family xxx

Pretty much agree with MOnica. We have also done a lot for several of our children. We are not in a position to do that now, except in minor ways. All of them, but one, are financially well off. It is a moral and biblical responsibility to honor your father and mother. That means we are required to help them with necessary things, and make life safer for them. It doesn't mean that a child makes them self responsible for unreasonable demands. However, if children are well off and parents are in a limited income retirement, I think children should occasionally do something especially nice that isn't just a necessity. I tried to do that for my mom, and some of our children have done that for me and my husband. Sometimes being on a limited income gets a bit dreary when you make it from month to month, but it's all penny pinching. To live an extravagant lifestyle and look on while your parents clip coupons is unkind, at the least, and maybe even cruel. If one of my children offered me a stipend to use as I please, I would accept that. As long as we have demonstrated responsibility and mental acuity, I would not want them managing my finances 'til the time it became necessary.

What a lovely daughter you have. On my 70th birthday, son bought me a cinema screen TV. He knows I watch a lot of TV and was struggling to see our own TV. Sometimes when he visits we sit on the bed and watch together. He isn’t rich, yet, but is very generous. I sent him out in the snow as a paper boy aged 10. I threw him into Spanish school for two years when we moved to Spain. I cried as it was tough but he has a good job now. He will always have that work ethic.

Accept the help offered.

We've definitely reached that stage! Our adult children (38 and 35) can be a bit overbearing and patronising at times. However, my daughter offered to help pay for our new kitchen recently because we've had to remodel the bungalow to be more disabled friendly. I struggled with that a bit, as I've always helped them out when they needed it. My husband took a very different view. He said he didn't feel awkward accepting help at all because anything they give now is an investment in the house they will one day benefit from. I kind of understood that and stopped resisting.

I have always paid my way and been as independant as possible, so have rather had second hand furniture etc rather than owing a lot of money, so that whatever I have is mine and not on hp, because I worried about getting into debt. Partly for health reasons and also to remain independant I moved from my loved house to a ground floor flat, so have done what I can to remain as independant as possible. So it is hard to accept help with grace and not be the one giving help, but that is the thing we have to learn, so I would be ok accepting a day out or a meal out etc, but would find it hard to accept money for bills. However in the situation we find ourselves in at the moment with the electricity being so expensive I would rather accept help with the bill than be in debt, and with my health situation I cannot move quickly and feel the cold. I would find it difficult but it would be the lesser of two evils I think. But also these days I have had to accept that I need to accept help gratefully for things like taking curtains down etc., as I know I would be more of a problem if I fell whilst trying to do it myself. So whilst I do as much as I can I do accept that I now keep a little list of things that I need my son to help with when he visits, which I dont like having to do but know that getting the clock down and putting a new battery in will take him a couple of minutes and be no trouble to him. It is just me that feels frustrated and annoyed that I now have to have help with such things, and of course it reminds me how old I am becoming, as I remember how I used to do all these things. So I think we all have to make decisions about what is important and what is not and whatever makes life simpler and easier for everyone has to be the aim.

I understand what you mean I’m fiercely independent myself I don’t feel our adult children are in charge, I just think it’s nice that they want to help it’s what families do, also if they didn’t want to do it they wouldn’t offer, I think it’s swings and roundabouts.