Role Reversal

When I had some work done to my home recently, my son asked if he could contribute something.
I refused, thanking him as I could afford the work....

His response was that I had raised him alone and supported him though education etc to allow him to be in the position that he is now and that he wanted to give me a little something back. There was no other agenda.
I accepted it.

As someone else has said, isn't that what families do?

Not struggling financially but my son has been, and continues to be, a great help with sorting difficult things out for me. For example, my brother - a single man - died suddenly in China a few years ago, and I was overwhelmed (as next of kin) with the paperwork and practicalities involved as a result, especially as the death certificate was in Chinese ! My son could see I was struggling and just took over and sorted everything out. I'm slowly accepting the fact that he is, by now, far more capable than I am. So if / when the time comes that I need his help to sort out finances, I will have no hesitation in asking for his advice and help as he has done with me over the years. Complete trust and mutual respect!

Nope as both worked full time & had private (not huge) pensions as well as full state pensions, though I cannot get mine until I’m 66 (retired last year at 64)

Older children, girl and boy, live away from home and have very good, well paid jobs - younger three still at home and the two girls working, one in Civil Service and one a primary school teacher, and youngest still at college and at almost 21 a perpetual student (😱😱)

So we are still very much parenting and hearing “mum can you give me a lift here, there and everywhere” (only driver in our house!) Girls saving to leave home, son too lazy to learn !!

We’ve actually given them five years notice of our intention to downsize !!

Looking forward to a small house with no room for them 😂😂😂😂😂

Yes and yes and isn't it lovely! My crows (four of them, 3 of whom are overseas), manage me very well. Always acknowledge the independent soul I am and have made my later years really OK. Eldest son has a habit of saying 'at your age' (I'm 80) which makes me laugh. He is so older than me!
To me it is a natural progression.

My younger son is a great help. Not financially but sorting bills etc. I would be daft not to use him as he is a chartered accountant. He also keeps an eye on any savings and reinvests into ones with better interest. Capable person myself ( accounts) but let him get on with it. Take help in all ways. Two brains better than one.

IrishDancing, I really don't think for one minute Buglouis was suggesting you or anyone else had thoughtlessly brought their children into this world. The poster was referring to him / herself . Please don't be offended by the comment.

Neither of my AC is in a position to help us out financially - one studying and one recently lost their job - but I’d probably be grateful for help should we need it and they were able to provide. They help us now in many other ways.
And, for the record, we did not “thoughtlessly” bring them into the world Biglouis …

I've sort of had a rule all my life for things like lunches with friends/family where its a "given" that the better off shells out.
Or you go Dutch.

As someone said above, its all grown ups giving or receiving help and part of what comes around goes around.

My two are great, but yes, there have been a few occasions when that role reversal was felt.

NanaPlenty, you have done so much for those children, and tightened your belt often, I am sure. So why not accept help if they can easily afford it. Surely help and support can go both ways.

We were discussing this this Summer after a visit to DDs- and we just had to laugh and we said 'oh dear, we have reached the blancmange years'. No way!

One of my main reasons for not having children was that I did not want to be responsible for other humans beings I had thoughtlessly brought into the world. By the same token I cannot expect other family members to look after me either physically or financially.

I think if your daughter and sil want to help and can afford it then perhaps let them. They sound very kind and probably hate to see you struggling
. Lots of good ideas in the above posts.
In my case it's quite light hearted as I often think my sons are in charge of me nowadays. I do what they tell me.
But seriously, I am still completely independent financially. I'm sensible with money and can still cope. I know I should make a new power of attorney, - I have one from 20 years ago. How long do they last?

NanaPlenty, being fiercely independent myself - I know exactly how you feel. I was so embarrassed the other day, when my son quickly paid for my lunch and shopping, saying 'That's nothing' - and, to him, it isn't.

On reflection, though, he really likes to help out (takes after me) and views my income as low. I feel quite affluent now, though, compared to the real financial struggles when the kids were small. I don't think I need any support.

Still, that's what families do, gladly help each other out - so should I resent or discourage it? After all, it's how I brought them up.

NanaPlenty

Has anyone else reached a stage where they feel that they are no longer ‘the parent’ and their children are now in charge ? I am struggling at the moment with finances (like many people) and it’s not a dreadful situation but I’m reviewing what I can and can’t afford. My daughter and her husband are in a high income bracket and want to help but I’m finding it hard to accept this. I’ve always felt it should be me as the parent that looked after them. Would love some other lovely Gransnetters opinions .

Could your children perhaps gift you items you may need like a new coat, or dressing gown, or plants for the garden and you do the basics. I always used to get my parents practical items so they enjoyed them and I knew they were catered for. My dad's sight was bad so I would chat with him over the finances and he told me what he wanted doing and we made sure that they were warm and had good food in the cupboard, a comfortable bed etc. It sort of came with the journey over a ten year period slowly but surely. I think negotiation was key. Not sure if it works if children are bossy but if you work together it can be very supportive.

You have no idea in the future if things will switch around again.

Do your review and accept some help if you want to.

Personally I ditched my pride on just about everything years ago. I realised I was stopping myself doing what I wanted to do. Which I thought was a bit silly.

I’m now in charge of my mother’s affairs. Since my father died (he’d never acknowledge his illness in any way) she sees the wisdom in handing over control to me, the eldest and eventual executor. She still makes all decisions, sometimes after discussion, but I facilitate her spend.
There’s sense in that.
As regards them looking after you money-wise, just see it as the swings and balances of life. Do as you would be done by.

Thanks all of you - some really wise words. Most of all I think it’s my mindset I need to change. I chatted to my daughter again today and she is adamant that I must accept help when I need it - she says there is little point being in their position if they can’t use it to help. Have a good Tuesday everyone.

Clarification to my comment: I don't see it as role reversal, it is about adults helping other adults

I would have no problem accepting help from my adult children should I actually need it and they could afford it; I think it’s good to foster generosity. Also what kind of son or daughter would see a parent struggle financially when they have a level of disposable income that means they can afford to be generous?

If there is no other agenda I would say let them help out and be grateful to have such a thoughtful daughter and son-in-law.

We're almost beyond providing for our children. I need them all out of our pockets before I can understand that role reversal.

In your situation I'd carefully review what I could afford and attempt to cut my out-goings (as you are). Then I'd allow minimal help from my daughters. I do understand why you say that would be difficult to accept.

Let them help you, it is a weird feeling I admit, but that's how a loving family works at best?

I'm OK atm but have had holidays paid for as treats and household appliances etc.

DiL just texted and said ""£ x is in your account for the washing machine" "Holiday is our treat" she makes it so easy.

Vr3 said, "I imagine her good fortune now is in part down to the good upbringing you gave her, so don't feel bad about it ". spot on.

The 'parent' is not a hierarchy title

Parent are adults

As soon as the offspring reach adulthood, they become equal to the 'parent'

Why are you hesitant to let them help you?

When you say your daughter and son in law want to help, what do you mean? Give you money? Help you manage your money? take over your money management - Lasting Power of Attorney.

My response would differ in each case. I would not want to be my daughters pensioner, getting a sum of money every month but if one of my children offered to pay for something specific, say a cleaner or gardener, or bought a new white appliance when its predecessor broke down, or paid for a holiday, that would be different.

We are not in your position at the moment because DH is still working, but it is the kind of thing we have done for our children in the past.

I would really object to my children taking over or 'helping' with the management of my money, while I was capable. If you need help with analysing and planning your Budget. If you put a phrase like 'Planning domestic budgeting' a number of sites will come up, including Martyn Lewis.

As I said, we haven't reached the role reversal point yet, but I have always accepted that it is likely to happen sooner or later.
But I do think it is good for us to learn to take as well as give. and to go with the tide of life.

I realised there had been a role reversal when I felt that my daughter would be the responsible adult if there was a family emergency

We were having a family get-together a few years back and my Dad had a funny turn.
My daughter spotted it first and said we need an ambulance.
My younger son got on the phone straight away, his Police training kicked in and he organised everything.
I was just in awe listening to him!

I have always thought that parents help their children not the other way around.

However, if my mother needed financial assistance I would be upset and angry if she would not accept help from me.

I realised there had been a role reversal when I felt that my daughter would be the responsible adult if there was a family emergency.

Different slant on your story but we are definitely in charge of my Dad's finances!
He's gradually lost all interest in managing his own affairs, never reads his emails, never looks at his phone and ignores texts 🤦

You sound as if you're capable and confident to review your finances so I think you should do that and see what new budget you come up with.

If you can live without worry on your own resources and would be happier to do so, then carry on.
If you're going to be scrimping to a detrimental level then accept your daughter's kind offer of some support.

I imagine her good fortune now is in part down to the good upbringing you gave her, so don't feel bad about it 😊