Dating after bereavement

Same here sweetcakes. 🙂
I’ve often thought that if anything happened to my lovely dh (he’s very fit but it’s increasingly likely now we’re both mid 70s) I’d never want another man - I’d rather get a dog. Someone who’s always delighted to see you, makes you get out for exercise, isn’t a fussy eater, and doesn’t expect you to wash his socks - what’s not to like? 🐶

Everyone grieves differently. Some people will be ready to start dating faiy quickly, others will choose not to ever date at all.

What matters was that you didn't feel ready (or maybe he just wasn't the right person).

I understand your being unprepared for this invitation - but if, on reflection, you like him and would like just to see where it might - or might not - go, perhaps you could contact him. You could say you've thought about it and were caught unawares.- and you'd like to join him for a cup of coffee sometime. Do not over think, or have expectations either way - just be open minded and maybe you'll have a nice meeting, whether or not it goes anywhere. Good luck - enjoy life !

When my dad passed my mother went out with someone less than 2yrs after he had gone. After she had a long marriage to our dad. She didn’t speak about it just did it. It really hurt she could do that to my dad. I would say if you have kids talk to them about it and how they would feel about you dating. Yes we were all grown adults but if my dad was abusing to her I probably would have looked at it differently. But he wasn’t But nothing came from the first date. She did meet someone else and remarried 6yrs later and and still is has far has I’m aware.

BlueBell I totally agree with you. Over the years I have made it clear to several men (I'm not on a dating group) that while I am happy to spend time with them I would not be getti intimate with them.
They soon " Try it on "

My husband died when he was forty and I’ve never wanted another relationship. I’ve had some mild friendships. For one thing, my elder son, nine at the time, would have hated it, and my first duty was to the children. I now see my friends struggling with their ageing husbands, and I’m so glad not to be in their situation.

I was widowed at 55 years old after a loving marriage of 35 years. After about 18 months I dipped my toe into on line dating. Just to give it a go I thought as I missed male company even though I had an active social life with either female friends or those couples we had known a long time.
Well, what had I let myself in for? Within a couple of weeks I met a widower in very similar circumstances to me. When we first met we talked for over 4 hours non stop. So here I am , 18 years later married to this man for 13 years. Can’t say we rushed into it!

On a similar note I’m friends on F/B with someone who I was engaged to many moons ago and he’s often mentioned going for coffee , but he’s married !
My husband of 53 years passed away just 3 months ago and I’ve already been asked , yet again, to go for coffee. This is something that definitively won’t happen, but as some of you have said I’ll take it as a compliment and a ‘thank you, but no thank you’ !!

I was widowed in my early 50’s and when my lovely husband was in the hospice he said he would love me to remarry and be happy again as he felt I was too young to be on my own, he certainly didn’t want me to feel guilty about what I did in the future.
I didn’t do anything for several years and when I did start dating again and eventually met my present husband, it felt the time was right to move on.
Funnily enough I often think they would both get on really well and be friends and my first husband would approve.
Guess I’ve been lucky in that part of my life.
I also have a couple of long term men friends that have always been just that, nothing more than a drink or meal out occasionally but I certainly think it’s possible to have men friends just the same as it is to have female friends and the conversation is a change.

My dearest friend lost her devoted and lovely husband in 2016 - she wasn’t even 60 and he hadn’t claimed his state pension. As a senior GP luckily he left her well provided for. After 1 year and a lot of angst she started to socialise again, joining a church choir and also signing up for ballroom dance lesson. A further year later she started to casually date - now she’s in a new serious relationship with a divorced man and I wish her nothing but happiness. She’ll never “get over” her loss but she deserves some happiness and not to be lonely for the next twenty years potentially. It’s a personal thing and there is no “right thing” I wish you peace and happiness and the decision is purely yours x

Take your time wyllow3. I, too, came from an abusive marriage and, although I dated, I didn't settle for a relationship for about 15 years after the split. He was worth the wait as he let me take things at my pace and allowed me to build trust in him. We married 4 years ago and have been together over 20. Your time will come too.

Sorry for hijacking the thread Aggy21. Your time will come too. Trust your instincts, take it easy and love will find you.

Definitely don’t over think any invites, just go with an open mind and try to enjoy

I don't think I could be bothered to house train another man 🤣

Thanks all. Interesting to hear different stories. As I met my dh at 17, the whole idea of a different man is very alien to me

I was widowed at the age of 40 and remarried 3 years later. We’re still together and very happy after nearly 30 years. Not all men want to rush in to a sexual relationship and it’s unfair to think in this way. Men miss female company in the same way as women miss male company. There’s no harm in meeting for coffee. You might well enjoy it and if not there’s no obligation to repeat the experience. My DH2 treated me with the utmost respect in the early days of our relationship and never tried to rush ahead on the sexual front. Not all men are predators.

It’s only 5 months since my husband died. I was very lucky to share over 40 very happy years with him. I can’t imagine ever wanting another intimate relationship. I have friends including men I enjoy spending time with.
I’m always wary of the idea that having male attention is a boost to self esteem. We kiss a lot of frogs before we find a Prince

I’d certainly enjoy the compliment! But you must do as your gut instinct tells you. I’ve been divorced for almost 6 years now and haven’t dated in that time. I’m just too wary of men, and am quite happy on my own anyway. I was married for a long time but my husband turned out to be abusive in a number of ways, though never physically. He had a few affairs and ended up leaving the marriage and marrying the woman he left me for. I heard earlier this week that they divorced recently - his third time.

I think you ve misunderstood me Jackiesr of course you can have male friends within a group

That’s not what I was referring to I was talking about in dating situations
Even when I ve been very clear when asked for a drink /coffee whatever that I d like to go out but as a friendship only and even when they fully agree that’s all they want too …they always try and move it on into a sexual relationship

BlueBelle you must be moving in the wrong groups. I am married so would be treated as a friend but the groups contain many single people both men and women and two will happily meet each other for coffee or a meal just as friends.

Never ever met a man who stuck to the being friends agreement, even when I ve been really clear
However do what you feel is best we re all different

Aggy21 . Always good to have a boost to your confidence. Doesn’t need to go any further, If possible, enjoy friendship from both male and female companions.

Not all meet-ups are going to lead to a relationship some are just going to be what is offered, in this case, a coffee.

It is a boost to your self-esteem when someone is choosing to have your company.

It is a compliment, and enjoy that!

I'd be wary (not just cos of my stuff) of "too keen too soon" anyway?

"not someone I could envisage being in a relationship with."
that's very telling, isnt it? Good instinct.

The man involved was definitely keen but he’s not someone in my social circle and not someone I’d ever bump into again probably, and not someone I could envisage being in a relationship with.
But I did take it as a compliment!

Aggy21. Always go with your instincts. If you are not comfortable, have doubts, then decline. There is no rush. Take it slowly.