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Dating after bereavement

(62 Posts)
Aggy21 Wed 22-Mar-23 20:00:09

My dh passed away about 18 months ago. We’d been together since I was a teenager.
Recently a man asked me out for coffee. I was so taken aback! And turned him down, saying it was too soon for me. However, it got me thinking.. would I ever feel ready for a relationship? What would I be seeking to get from one? Could I ever imagine falling in love again? Looking at all the women I know who are divorced or widowed, very few of them have found anyone else, and most haven’t even tried. I don’t like to think that door is closed forever.
I’d love to hear from others about how things have worked out with a new relationship after bereavement

Jackiest Wed 22-Mar-23 20:27:04

Did he ask you out for a coffee as a date or as a friend?

Patsy70 Wed 22-Mar-23 20:30:47

Aggy21. If you fancy going out for a coffee, drink with someone, don’t analyse it, just go. It doesn’t have to be a ‘deep’ relationship. It’s healthy to socialise with both sexes. Friendships are always welcome. 😊

Aggy21 Wed 22-Mar-23 20:34:47

It was definitely as a date

VioletSky Wed 22-Mar-23 20:35:26

I think the best relationships come from friendship, so maybe next time you could go as friends? See what happens?

Aggy21 Wed 22-Mar-23 20:38:28

Feels too soon. Too disloyal. I’d worry that saying yes to coffee could lead to more invitations then possibly on to a relationship which I’m not ready for as yet

Wyllow3 Wed 22-Mar-23 21:00:12

Then you have made the right decision, for now. Perhaps it took the invitation to realise that, and you were right to say what you did.

I'm recently out of a very abusive marriage: there has been a lot of grief as well, as it wasn't all bad of course. I'd like to meet someone...I think....but I am very, very wary indeed and doubt my ability to make good decisions, as a lot was said and done that was false or a lie.

VioletSky Wed 22-Mar-23 21:01:15

If you aren't ready you aren't ready... but there is nothing wrong with friends of the other sex of they are amenable

Aggy21 Wed 22-Mar-23 21:02:57

Sorry to hear that wyllow3. I think I’m too trusting. Good luck

Aggy21 Wed 22-Mar-23 21:04:45

Thanks violetsky- I just totally panicked. First date invitation in over 40 decades!

Redhead56 Wed 22-Mar-23 21:05:30

It’s not disloyal you was a loyal wife for a long time. If you went for coffee with this friend would you anticipate it going further. We as a couple have a few long time divorced and lone male friends. I would go for a drink or meal with them if I was widowed. I wouldn’t be interested in taking it a step further.

VioletSky Wed 22-Mar-23 21:06:36

Maybe just see it as a compliment and move on for now

I have been with my husband 23 years and do not think I would be throwing myself in that pool again lol

Patsy70 Wed 22-Mar-23 21:08:51

Aggy21. Always go with your instincts. If you are not comfortable, have doubts, then decline. There is no rush. Take it slowly.

Aggy21 Wed 22-Mar-23 21:15:31

The man involved was definitely keen but he’s not someone in my social circle and not someone I’d ever bump into again probably, and not someone I could envisage being in a relationship with.
But I did take it as a compliment!

Wyllow3 Wed 22-Mar-23 21:26:19

It is a compliment, and enjoy that!

I'd be wary (not just cos of my stuff) of "too keen too soon" anyway?

"not someone I could envisage being in a relationship with."
that's very telling, isnt it? Good instinct.

Theexwife Wed 22-Mar-23 21:49:35

Not all meet-ups are going to lead to a relationship some are just going to be what is offered, in this case, a coffee.

It is a boost to your self-esteem when someone is choosing to have your company.

Patsy70 Wed 22-Mar-23 21:54:18

Aggy21 . Always good to have a boost to your confidence. Doesn’t need to go any further, If possible, enjoy friendship from both male and female companions.

BlueBelle Wed 22-Mar-23 22:06:09

Never ever met a man who stuck to the being friends agreement, even when I ve been really clear
However do what you feel is best we re all different

Jackiest Thu 23-Mar-23 02:31:26

BlueBelle you must be moving in the wrong groups. I am married so would be treated as a friend but the groups contain many single people both men and women and two will happily meet each other for coffee or a meal just as friends.

BlueBelle Thu 23-Mar-23 05:11:51

I think you ve misunderstood me Jackiesr of course you can have male friends within a group

That’s not what I was referring to I was talking about in dating situations
Even when I ve been very clear when asked for a drink /coffee whatever that I d like to go out but as a friendship only and even when they fully agree that’s all they want too …they always try and move it on into a sexual relationship

Startingover61 Thu 23-Mar-23 12:25:37

I’d certainly enjoy the compliment! But you must do as your gut instinct tells you. I’ve been divorced for almost 6 years now and haven’t dated in that time. I’m just too wary of men, and am quite happy on my own anyway. I was married for a long time but my husband turned out to be abusive in a number of ways, though never physically. He had a few affairs and ended up leaving the marriage and marrying the woman he left me for. I heard earlier this week that they divorced recently - his third time.

Iam64 Thu 23-Mar-23 12:38:56

It’s only 5 months since my husband died. I was very lucky to share over 40 very happy years with him. I can’t imagine ever wanting another intimate relationship. I have friends including men I enjoy spending time with.
I’m always wary of the idea that having male attention is a boost to self esteem. We kiss a lot of frogs before we find a Prince

aonk Thu 23-Mar-23 14:52:15

I was widowed at the age of 40 and remarried 3 years later. We’re still together and very happy after nearly 30 years. Not all men want to rush in to a sexual relationship and it’s unfair to think in this way. Men miss female company in the same way as women miss male company. There’s no harm in meeting for coffee. You might well enjoy it and if not there’s no obligation to repeat the experience. My DH2 treated me with the utmost respect in the early days of our relationship and never tried to rush ahead on the sexual front. Not all men are predators.

Aggy21 Thu 23-Mar-23 19:58:36

Thanks all. Interesting to hear different stories. As I met my dh at 17, the whole idea of a different man is very alien to me

sweetcakes Sun 26-Mar-23 11:14:18

I don't think I could be bothered to house train another man 🤣