Retirees- what do you & dh/dh do with your day

Sometimes I miss having a partner after my divorce many years ago. Tried dating much earlier on but my heart wasn’t in it. Never met the right person I suppose. Now I’m retired I try to fill my days as productively and as happily as I can with family, voluntary work, a few coffee mornings, adult education (when I feel like learning!) and a bit of crafting. I don’t have close friends; I have never felt the need! Acquaintanceship is fine. While my way of life might be alien to some who don’t like to be alone-and sometimes I AM lonely, no mistake- at least I am autonomous and no longer have a ‘significant other’ to worry about or cramp my style. I remind myself of that whenever I am anxious or worried about something and feel myself somewhat alone. There is indeed a price to be paid for every thing after all!

I have been on my own for a long time and so do not have to worry about what a partner wants to do. I do have friends in similar positions though and I think the thing is to do what you want to do and stop worrying about what he is doing. Is there any volunteering you could do for a few hours a week? I think it is a mistake to think that you have to do everything together just because you are now retired. I would try to build up my own life then you will both have different things to talk about.

I only retired last October, DH retired four years ago but was full time carer for his mum til late 2020, when she was moved to a local carehome.

We have dogs at home, two of ours and three small mini sausages belonging to one of our three remaining adult children still remaining at home (20, 22 and 25) I drive, DH doesn’t. He spends three mornings a week visiting his Mum using bus, and going on various trips with her, I meet other retired friends and still cook for us all most days and we all help around the house and living in a very old terrace, which is quite big over three floors there’s always loads of stuff to do - no time to be bored haha x

My dh and I retired in June last year. He’s 67 I’m 63 but we decided to retire at the same time while we still have our health. We got a puppy having lost our previous dog the year before and he keeps us busy walking and training . My husband’s hobby is clay pigeon shooting which he does 2-3 times a week. We’ve started gundog training as he’s a working lab. We won’t work him but he loves having a job .
I care for my dm87 , and do occasional holiday cover for my place of work . I do yoga 2 week and wild swimming when the weather gets warmer . I also volunteer in a charity shop and am part of a litter picking group. I made the decision to try new things when I retired , hence the volunteering and wild swimming.
When it comes to housework, we tend to share chores but always have done due to both of us working .
We also share garden chores as well . He does the lawn and hedges, I do the weeding and cutting down/back .
It’s early days for us as retirees but we are very similar in that we both like bring out and about . But also like occasionally pottering around at home.
It sounds like you and your dh need a chat about what you both want from retirement.

Myself and my DH are cery different .He is very much a night owl I'm not exactly a lark but I do like my mornings which I spend catching up with friends , volunteering , dog walking etc . He loves reading watching sport going on his treadmill and a bit of veg gardening . We both meet our GS from school , do a pub quiz every week , meals out and go to the theatre together which seems to suffice . I think it's better to have a mix of Independent and joint activities .

Kalu

Doodle

We are happy being together 24/7 no matter what we’re doing. We like each other’s company and prior to DHs health issues we enjoyed walking, reading and just being together.

As are we Doodle We have always enjoyed each others company, sharing the load but we are joined at the heart, not at the hip and happily pursue our own interests.

If you have already been given advice for a solution OP I don’t have anything to add to the good advice already given.

My experience is similar.
DH golfs twice a week and I do my own thing.
It gives us a break from each other. We always have one day a week, where we go out together for a run or lunch.
However, much of our time is spent, with DH accompanying me to medical appointments. Depending on the hospital, we try and fit in lunch.
We share the chores too.
On the occasions we irritate each other, DH disappears to his office and I, the conservatory.
It works for us.

My friends and I have concluded that most men just don't notice untidiness/dirt/things falling to bits in the home like women do. There's no point in silently fuming that they haven't done something - they probably haven't noticed there is an issue. In an ideal world my husband would do some housework voluntarily - but unless I ask him to do something it won't occur to him that it needs doing. I do get cross that our retirement seems to involve him mostly doing things he enjoys whilst mine involves mostlydoing the essentials (otherwise we'd starve to death and live in squalor).

Jaxjacky

You’ve posted at least twice before (2020/2021) on this subject Clio51 and were given advice then which I assume you haven’t acted on?

Not much to add, then, is there?
To be blunt, I’ve wasted too many hours with women who moan about their lot. You give good advice on housing, benefits etc and there they are back again repeating the same story.

Similar situation, luluaugust here - 52 years together - AC and GC. We have some similar interests, but plenty of individual ones too. DH is in a choir / I go to pottery classes, he has an allotment / I mostly look after our garden. We love doing things together and often go away for a few days, in addition to longer holidays. When away, we like to walk, birdwatch, have coffee (and cake!), visit NT places, go swimming, etc. At home, neither of us are greatly interested in housework - I usually hoover and clean. We both do the cooking. It’s just not really a problem.
We respect each other

I too think you and your husband need to talk seriously about what you both expected of retirement and what you want it to be.

Did your DH do housework while he was working? if so, why are you doing it all now?

If he has never done housework, you cannot reasonably expect him to know how to start doing so now, or to see that you might want help, So if you want him to take part in the housework, ask him to help and mention what you want done.

Reading your post, I got the feeling that you had always done the housework and that you have no other interests, but surely this can't be right?

What are your other interests apart from your house?
What would you like to do with your husband?
What would you like to do without him?

When you know the answers to these three questions, tell him - the man is not a mind-reader.

I may be barking up the wrong tree here, but it sounds to me as if you and your husband have no interests in common, so if this is so, now would be a good time to find some, if you don't want your marriage to break down.

Clio, you have been moaning to us about your partner since 2020. No sex, what he does and doesn’t do around the house. People give advice but nothing changes. Why can’t you get a carpet fitter in and someone to fix the shower? Why must he do so? A lot of men aren’t as interested in household matters as women are and would happily live in a pigsty. After all this time he isn’t going to change so if you want things done arrange them yourself. And get yourself some proper interests, do some volunteering, you’re still young. You now mention your partner’s interests, which you didn’t in your OP. Can you see that these are proper absorbing interests, something very much lacking in your life? I can understand that they don’t appeal to you, therefore you need to find something equally absorbing for yourself.

I suppose what one my grip is
He’s NOT interested in how the house looks.

That is indeed a problem.

He is doing a few chores - shopping, cutting grass, washing dishes and doing some laundry.
Would he consider taking on about 3 more chores of his choice? To help you out a bit?

If it is ok to ask, do you have the finances between you to fix some things in house?
What would he say if you said to him, when you spend £100 on yourself, I will spend £100 on house fixing?

You each want different things - you each have different priorities - nothing wrong with that but you both have to just relax and let the other partner do what they want to do.

My OH was houseproud - I would say obsessional - but if he really felt it was necessary to dry the shower after each use and tidy stuff up all the time then so be it - I just let him get on with it. I always used to say my "filth threshold" was much higher than his! He would turn in his grave if he could see how I live now!

My OH was not keen on going out very much, whereas I loved to - fine, I would go on my own.

I have to smile when I see couples out together, and often the poor man is looking bored to tears.

Live and let live is the way forward.

Good question Sarah75, after 55 years together we are also joined at the heart but we do things apart and together. I have a few more friends still living and try to keep up with them as much as I can, I also go to a group on my own but we go to another group together and have days out, coffee (what's wrong with coffee out) or lunch when we can and a few breaks. Health issues do make a difference but along with seeing nearby family I think we do all we can. Retirement does take a bit of getting used to, to start with.

Do you love him, Clio51 ?

kittylester

Oooh, I love 'joined at the heart and not at the hip' Kalu.

That describes us, too!

It’s all quite a gamble kitty but some of us are lucky to have backed a winner.

I have to admit it took us a while to find a way of life which suited us both. We retired, married and moved to France in a short space of time. I lived alone for several years before remarriage so I was used to being quite independent. My husband struggled with this initially and thought we should do everything together.
However we have settled into a comfortable lifestyle now, he has his group of friends who meet up together and help each other with jobs etc and I have my voluntary library role and friends who I go out with from time to time. We share the household tasks and care of our animals. We have holidays together and days out etc. Works for us.

I like your 'joined at the heart not the hip' comment too Kalu

I don’t think most if you have read my post properly or taken in what I have put

I do have hobbies, i craft do Pilates and aqua fit
His hobbies are motorbikes & motor sport
He has a bike, he goes to meetings
But moans because I have no interest in them, neither does he with mine. But that’s fine . I gave asked him to Pilates & swimming (he can’t swim) he said if he wanted to go he would !

We have a joint account for bills/food but not for household items, we each pay 50/50 out of our own bank account.
I’m not asking him to pay solely!

I suppose what one my grip is
He’s NOT interested in how the house looks
We haven’t had new carpet on the stairs since we moved in the house 20 yrs ago, and they are literally thread bare as is the bedroom carpet not to mention the stains
The shower cubicle
Shower is dripping, it’s as caused the shower panels to corrode at the bottom where the water is collecting, this could of been prevented by getting it fixed which I haven’t mentioned. Nothing done, always me with anxiety has to sort it.

I don’t know why people look up if the person as written any other post ? So what

I was only asking I suppose what other retirees do as an insight, but as mentioned
It definitely does depend on
Health, personality,age, interest lifestyle

Oooh, I love 'joined at the heart and not at the hip' Kalu.

That describes us, too!

Different questions on a theme - gives one greater insight.

Do what you want to do and let him do what he wants to. If you don't want to change the bed or defrost the freezer then don’t do it. If it bothered him he would do it.

Find activities just for you, he doesn’t have to be part of it if he does not want to. He has his day planned as he likes it, shopping, coffee out and social media these do not have to include you.

Why do people look back at what posters have posted before? If people want to ask a question more than once then so be it, it doesn’t hurt anyone.

Doodle

We are happy being together 24/7 no matter what we’re doing. We like each other’s company and prior to DHs health issues we enjoyed walking, reading and just being together.

As are we Doodle We have always enjoyed each others company, sharing the load but we are joined at the heart, not at the hip and happily pursue our own interests.

If you have already been given advice for a solution OP I don’t have anything to add to the good advice already given.

That’s interesting Jaxjacky. I looked and yes, a variety of posts. From one of them I deduce OP and partner are in their 60s and the relationship has more problems than are mentioned here, or that outside interests might solve. I suspect relationship counselling might be the best advice.

We have completely different interests and I'm out most mornings and some afternoons doing my things whilst OH potters doing what he enjoys. We both enjoy gardening but tend to have our own projects, he is doing a new pool ATM whilst I am focusing on the fruit and veg. We are very independent of each other but when we do go out together we have plenty to talk about. I spend what I like but if it's a really big purchase, I would mention it to him in advance and he does the same. We get on well but don't need to be around each other all the time. It works for us.

Op, he needs to be outside.
Give him all outside jobs.
But sounds like he needs more than that.
Have a talk about his needs.