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Retirees- what do you & dh/dh do with your day

(83 Posts)
Clio51 Sun 26-Mar-23 10:45:37

Suppose I’m just curious about other retirees, how they fill their day, together, separately
Have you found it harder being together 24/7 ?
Has your relationship changed since finishing work?

I’m a home bird
Dp - like to get out the house every opportunity

I’m fed up doing the same things
Dp does the shopping needed for day(his choice, because he wants to get out)
I get myself ready, clean around, maybe some ironing
We then have lunch
Around 1-1.30 he will ask if I want to go anywhere, sometimes I do sometimes I don’t. I’ll do something round the house as I get fed up sometimes walking round
Gardening (weather) cleaning(usually not everyday things) anything that needs sorting really
He , never thinks of anything to to/needs sorting in the house, apart from cutting grass.
He never thinks if changing bed, defrosting freezer, dusting skirting although will give table dusting. He’d rather sit on his mobile for hour or YouTube
Never dreams of cleaning toilet, will rinse shower screen down with water.
I cook tea, he washes up . He will then put wash in, never asks if I’ve anything to add
Every night.

It started looking for things for me to do
So I started , craft session, pilates, and aqua fit just recently just to give us space
That’s all he does is go for a coffee look round shop on his day

Even when we go out together I’ve now got the feeling that really it’s a coffee that has to be included and feel resentment as that’s the only reason he wants to go

The other week we had words as I said I’m sick of going for a coffee and if I mention something different I get “ what do you want to go there for”
It escalated , with him throwing “ you only do those things because you had to do something for yourself “
I actually suffer anxiety/panic so this was a big step for me to do, but I did it and like it
The other week I was really bad with (anxiety symptom -balance) never had this in all my years of panic/anxiety and it really freaked me out. I asked would he stay in with me as I was so scared
You would of thought I’d asked for the world ! I still had to sort the tea out, he never thinks I can’t manage
Would your dp/dh stay with you feather than go out ? Was I being unreasonable to ask him ?
He always throws it in my face what he’s done, I feel completely opposite
He moans if I ask for new things for house, but will quite willingly spend £200 on something for him.

Suppose I need somebody else’s insight to am I asking too much from him ?
Is my thinking wrong regarding illness ?

Siope Sun 26-Mar-23 11:07:03

Not sure how helpful other people’s way of doing things will be, as our personalities, relationships and issues will be different.

I think you need to work out what you want, from retirement and from your relationship, ask your husband to do the same, and then sit down together for some honest conversations about how (or whether) you can find common ground.

But, fwiw, I would never be asking my husband for money for things for the house as if it was only my responsibility; we have a joint account, into which we each pay a monthly sum proportionate to our income, for all household expenses.

fancythat Sun 26-Mar-23 11:08:26

We semi retired 2 years ago.
DH has now gone back to work! A different job to previous, though it has a few of the same elements.

I have carried on as before.
We got into a routine eventually of him doing a few jobs around the house. It never all sat very well with him.

Doodle Sun 26-Mar-23 11:12:23

We are happy being together 24/7 no matter what we’re doing. We like each other’s company and prior to DHs health issues we enjoyed walking, reading and just being together.

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 26-Mar-23 11:18:17

You said it all - you’re a home bird and your husband has to get out every day. Your daily round of cleaning and cooking sounds suffocatingly boring and I’m not surprised he wants to escape outside of the house. My husband and I both like and enjoy our home and garden very much, share chores inside and out, and have completely different interests to absorb us. Neither of you seems to have an actual interest or, if you like, hobby. Something to occupy your minds. Going out for a coffee or going to a craft or exercise group for the sake of getting out isn’t an interest.

Cabbie21 Sun 26-Mar-23 11:30:42

I agree that you should not be together 24/7. You each need some outside interests. Hobbies at home, learn a new language, join a choir, drama group, sports club. U3a has lots of groups. See what is on in your area. Consider voluntary work. Be a volunteer community driver, listen to children read in school, work for a charity…….
Maybe one of those ideas could be something you do together, but most will be separately.
Budget for household costs, and holidays/ days out, and have your own spending money.
Housework is the bottom of my list, well, not quite, but it just gets fitted in as and when.

Jaxjacky Sun 26-Mar-23 11:38:45

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

grannysyb Sun 26-Mar-23 11:47:24

We both retired along time ago. I go to sewing and upholstery classes on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. DH goes to current affairs class on Wednesday and plays bridge two to three times a week, sometimes at a club and sometimes online. We also garden and have an allotment. Also belong to two book groups and our local NWR. I hope you find that your new interests help.

fancythat Sun 26-Mar-23 11:48:07

Op, he needs to be outside.
Give him all outside jobs.
But sounds like he needs more than that.
Have a talk about his needs.

foxie48 Sun 26-Mar-23 12:05:16

We have completely different interests and I'm out most mornings and some afternoons doing my things whilst OH potters doing what he enjoys. We both enjoy gardening but tend to have our own projects, he is doing a new pool ATM whilst I am focusing on the fruit and veg. We are very independent of each other but when we do go out together we have plenty to talk about. I spend what I like but if it's a really big purchase, I would mention it to him in advance and he does the same. We get on well but don't need to be around each other all the time. It works for us.

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 26-Mar-23 12:07:36

That’s interesting Jaxjacky. I looked and yes, a variety of posts. From one of them I deduce OP and partner are in their 60s and the relationship has more problems than are mentioned here, or that outside interests might solve. I suspect relationship counselling might be the best advice.

Kalu Sun 26-Mar-23 12:08:29


We are happy being together 24/7 no matter what we’re doing. We like each other’s company and prior to DHs health issues we enjoyed walking, reading and just being together.

As are we Doodle We have always enjoyed each others company, sharing the load but we are joined at the heart, not at the hip and happily pursue our own interests.

If you have already been given advice for a solution OP I don’t have anything to add to the good advice already given.

Theexwife Sun 26-Mar-23 12:09:21

Do what you want to do and let him do what he wants to. If you don't want to change the bed or defrost the freezer then don’t do it. If it bothered him he would do it.

Find activities just for you, he doesn’t have to be part of it if he does not want to. He has his day planned as he likes it, shopping, coffee out and social media these do not have to include you.

Why do people look back at what posters have posted before? If people want to ask a question more than once then so be it, it doesn’t hurt anyone.

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 26-Mar-23 12:14:40

Different questions on a theme - gives one greater insight.

kittylester Sun 26-Mar-23 12:29:01

Oooh, I love 'joined at the heart and not at the hip' Kalu.

That describes us, too!

Clio51 Sun 26-Mar-23 12:53:01

I don’t think most if you have read my post properly or taken in what I have put

I do have hobbies, i craft do Pilates and aqua fit
His hobbies are motorbikes & motor sport
He has a bike, he goes to meetings
But moans because I have no interest in them, neither does he with mine. But that’s fine . I gave asked him to Pilates & swimming (he can’t swim) he said if he wanted to go he would !

We have a joint account for bills/food but not for household items, we each pay 50/50 out of our own bank account.
I’m not asking him to pay solely!

I suppose what one my grip is
He’s NOT interested in how the house looks
We haven’t had new carpet on the stairs since we moved in the house 20 yrs ago, and they are literally thread bare as is the bedroom carpet not to mention the stains
The shower cubicle
Shower is dripping, it’s as caused the shower panels to corrode at the bottom where the water is collecting, this could of been prevented by getting it fixed which I haven’t mentioned. Nothing done, always me with anxiety has to sort it.

I don’t know why people look up if the person as written any other post ? So what

I was only asking I suppose what other retirees do as an insight, but as mentioned
It definitely does depend on
Health, personality,age, interest lifestyle

sodapop Sun 26-Mar-23 13:07:36

I have to admit it took us a while to find a way of life which suited us both. We retired, married and moved to France in a short space of time. I lived alone for several years before remarriage so I was used to being quite independent. My husband struggled with this initially and thought we should do everything together.
However we have settled into a comfortable lifestyle now, he has his group of friends who meet up together and help each other with jobs etc and I have my voluntary library role and friends who I go out with from time to time. We share the household tasks and care of our animals. We have holidays together and days out etc. Works for us.

I like your 'joined at the heart not the hip' comment too Kalu

Kalu Sun 26-Mar-23 13:10:25


Oooh, I love 'joined at the heart and not at the hip' Kalu.

That describes us, too!

It’s all quite a gamble kitty but some of us are lucky to have backed a winner.

Sarah75 Sun 26-Mar-23 13:13:19

Do you love him, Clio51 ?

luluaugust Sun 26-Mar-23 13:24:15

Good question Sarah75, after 55 years together we are also joined at the heart but we do things apart and together. I have a few more friends still living and try to keep up with them as much as I can, I also go to a group on my own but we go to another group together and have days out, coffee (what's wrong with coffee out) or lunch when we can and a few breaks. Health issues do make a difference but along with seeing nearby family I think we do all we can. Retirement does take a bit of getting used to, to start with.

Luckygirl3 Sun 26-Mar-23 13:29:24

You each want different things - you each have different priorities - nothing wrong with that but you both have to just relax and let the other partner do what they want to do.

My OH was houseproud - I would say obsessional - but if he really felt it was necessary to dry the shower after each use and tidy stuff up all the time then so be it - I just let him get on with it. I always used to say my "filth threshold" was much higher than his! He would turn in his grave if he could see how I live now!

My OH was not keen on going out very much, whereas I loved to - fine, I would go on my own.

I have to smile when I see couples out together, and often the poor man is looking bored to tears.

Live and let live is the way forward.

fancythat Sun 26-Mar-23 13:29:48

I suppose what one my grip is
He’s NOT interested in how the house looks.

That is indeed a problem.

He is doing a few chores - shopping, cutting grass, washing dishes and doing some laundry.
Would he consider taking on about 3 more chores of his choice? To help you out a bit?

If it is ok to ask, do you have the finances between you to fix some things in house?
What would he say if you said to him, when you spend £100 on yourself, I will spend £100 on house fixing?

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 26-Mar-23 13:34:48

Clio, you have been moaning to us about your partner since 2020. No sex, what he does and doesn’t do around the house. People give advice but nothing changes. Why can’t you get a carpet fitter in and someone to fix the shower? Why must he do so? A lot of men aren’t as interested in household matters as women are and would happily live in a pigsty. After all this time he isn’t going to change so if you want things done arrange them yourself. And get yourself some proper interests, do some volunteering, you’re still young. You now mention your partner’s interests, which you didn’t in your OP. Can you see that these are proper absorbing interests, something very much lacking in your life? I can understand that they don’t appeal to you, therefore you need to find something equally absorbing for yourself.

grandtanteJE65 Sun 26-Mar-23 13:34:50

I too think you and your husband need to talk seriously about what you both expected of retirement and what you want it to be.

Did your DH do housework while he was working? if so, why are you doing it all now?

If he has never done housework, you cannot reasonably expect him to know how to start doing so now, or to see that you might want help, So if you want him to take part in the housework, ask him to help and mention what you want done.

Reading your post, I got the feeling that you had always done the housework and that you have no other interests, but surely this can't be right?

What are your other interests apart from your house?
What would you like to do with your husband?
What would you like to do without him?

When you know the answers to these three questions, tell him - the man is not a mind-reader.

I may be barking up the wrong tree here, but it sounds to me as if you and your husband have no interests in common, so if this is so, now would be a good time to find some, if you don't want your marriage to break down.

Sarah75 Sun 26-Mar-23 13:35:16

Similar situation, luluaugust here - 52 years together - AC and GC. We have some similar interests, but plenty of individual ones too. DH is in a choir / I go to pottery classes, he has an allotment / I mostly look after our garden. We love doing things together and often go away for a few days, in addition to longer holidays. When away, we like to walk, birdwatch, have coffee (and cake!), visit NT places, go swimming, etc. At home, neither of us are greatly interested in housework - I usually hoover and clean. We both do the cooking. It’s just not really a problem.
We respect each other