Retirees- what do you & dh/dh do with your day

I wonder @ Clio51 if the problems with getting stuff fixed one way or another are similar to the problems I had with the now ex
Would rarely do something that needed doing round the house and if he did have a go it was a half arsed job. He wouldn't let me get people in to do jobs because it was his house and didn't want people in. Even though I was earning so it wasn't strictly a financial. Issue. Even towards the end he would get cross if I did something as simple as replace a damaged lampshade, because it was - 'my house'. When I said it's our house he'd say that means it's my house. Honestly, on occasion our son tried to help with a few simple things and even that made him cross, and he actuly tore down one shelf he'd put up. It may not be something as bad as this but if it is even a bit like this no wonder you're anxious, and the cure isn't tablets from the doctor, and it wouldn't be counseling as a couple, just for yourself. If you see in a relationship like that people will criticize you when you can't do anything about it from within, which is good for them that they don't know what it is like but it can lead to unhelpful comments
Well eventually here I am on my own and the outstanding jobs had to be done, a whole. Load of new pipework to replace the old dead boiler, new floorboards where the leaks had rotted them, while floorboards were up and things were being redone rewiring, getting rid of the hot water cylinder gave room.in the kitchen to add shelves, the old. Broken units were replaced with nice simple new ones and an induction hob, which was significant for me as I'd said I'd like one if we got a new kitchen, and had been told that he didn't want one, and it was his kitchen, even though he never cooked in it. My son designed it for me and made sure to make space for a dishwasher :-) it was a total back to bricks renovation it had got that bad, done by my children, daughter's partner and brother, and trusted tradesmen, brother being a carpenter, whom I paid. It cost a lot, but now I have new windows and doors as well. But had it been kept up with it would have cost as much anyway.
What do I do as a new retiree, of just a few months, well I help my daughter, go out with friends, go to places of interest and on trips, use my bus pass, garden, look after my chickens, I will soon be finishing sorting out the stuff I brought home.from my parents I hope and all my old paperwork and generally sorting stuff out. Am going to a few talks and exhibutions and am doing my family tree. On my agenda is having a few holidays in the UK and maybe then elsewhere. Still got work to do on the house and garage, and garden house is on the outside all is done inside. I'm continuing my volunteering but not taking on any more as I have so much else to sort out before I can sit back and relax
Am not looking for a partner, that's one thing I won't be doing!

Not much. I retired from full time strenuous work in a hospital at the age of 73. Worked like a dog all my life since high school. LOVE to stay at home! Peace and quiet. I’ve been divorced for 20 yrs. I have an active social life - as much or as little as I decide. Renewing my passport for future travel. This is my well earned retirement. ❤️
USA Gundy

We both love our home and are together a lot at the moment as we are decorating. I think it’s important not just to have some time apart but to socialise with other people and get outside the home. I like to have one day where I do some voluntary work and so does dh. Gardening takes up a fair bit of time - sometimes together sometimes separately. We are together more than we’ve ever been in retirement but most of the time it’s fine. - it is a time of adjustment and some people find it hard. Keep talking - it’s important .

Maybe it’s time to consider therapy for long standing anxiety. It’s difficult for a partner to deal with anxieties on the level you describe. As for house and chores they can be very boring. Try to think about hobbies that are challenging and life enhancing. As a recent widow I have had to learn the hard way that life is precious

I make sure I go out every day - to visit relatives, for a walk, sightseeing, even just to the shops. Maybe coffee or lunch out.I must get out of the house or the day is wasted. Then other things can be fitted in around the daily escape. Pottering, a bit of housework, knitting, crochet, tv., music. Dap can stay indoors if he wants, his choice.

Do something useful. I started doing volunteer work when I finished work. It gave me a purpose to my week and I met new people. I volunteered for the Samaritans, trained to be a Magistrate and also for a charity that looks after visitors to prisons. I didn’t do all these at once. It will get you out of th3 house and you’ll meet new people.

Some good advice on here.
But I suspect if the op tries to spend money on the house, her DH will hit the roof.

There is such a thing as diplomacy!

Yellowmellow

I'm not sure ld ask for advice on here. People just aren't kind always. Confidence in a friend or someone like that .

When people ask for advice, they need to be honestly advised. A friend might only reply with what they think the questioner wants to hear. Sometimes a stranger can see what they need to hear. That may be painful, but if the situation is already painful, the solution could take drastic action to work.

I don't think any of the replies on this thread have been posted with the intention of hurting the original poster, merely to let her see her problems with clearer eyes.

We both took early retirement so that we could do things that we enjoyed doing together. We travel a lot, go to the cinema, theatre, concerts, walks museums. Eat out go to the pub , visit family. We have worked hard so now we can spoil ourselves a little.
There are a lot of free things out there if you know where to look, I get a lot of free tickets to events, all you have to do is give valued feed back, which I'm happy to do.
I also enjoy reading and doing crafts, we both have an interest in the garden too This wee alone had free tickets to cinema and Ideal Home Exibition also had a 50% voucher for a Meal at Ember Inn

Lovely post Anniel. That sounds like a very good marriage. Well done with everything you continue to do from your beautiful island home.

I did enjoy this thread. As my memory fails I wish I had the same ability as GSD. As we age, so life changes. My husband shopped and cooked so I was free to do whatever I wanted. I have always read newspapers and Magazines and I have an abiding interest in politics, family history and I have immense curiosity about all sorts of stuff. Life changed when my other half died in 2009. People often joked that our relationship would make a good TV show. We spent our life having arguments about politics, social stuff and our adult children and grandchildren. We did so love those exchanges ( remember I am a Liverpudlian and I love to gob on!) I am still grieving after all those years but nobody knows. Life for me on this beautiful island is easy, although son and I do not live in each others pockets. We have noisy work going on as our floors are being replaced. I read avidly, listen to audio books and act as a dog advocate to save the lives of dumped dogs and ones that are a shelter. I have the facility to watch UK television and I listen to the radio (Archers fan) and am a bit ashamed to say I watch Corrie. My only advice to the OP is to be more outspoken about stuff that annoys you. Get the shower sorted out and buy a new stair carpet. I think you are rather fed up with your husband but separating at your age is not easy. My other half was a very talented bridge player. I never had a clue. We loved each other but had our own interests. I miss the great rail journeys and the cruises. We holidayed as a group of 6 friends ( met on our first cruise) but now there are only 3 of us left. Try to make happy memories. You may need them one day. At least you have someone to rant to or about. I wish I did.

Both took early retirement in 1998. No conflicts in all that time apart from he always doesn't want to go if we have an outing arranged and then always enjoys it when we go !! I judge the right time to tell him of a proposed event - seems to work. I do all the admin for the house so spend a lot of time in "the office" and he does all the heavy work - garden, DIY, bins, cars and so on. Suppose it's the old fashioned His Jobs and My Jobs. We have our diamond wedding in August so I think it has worked out ok for us. We made a pact when we retired not to have tv on before 7pm so as not to become couch potatoes and have stuck to that. We have a good few laughs and both find great joy in our grandchildren. Not being smug in any way but seems we are lucky.

I'm not sure ld ask for advice on here. People just aren't kind always. Confidence in a friend or someone like that .

I really feel for you Clio51. Despite being taught how to load the dishwasher properly and many other ‘jobs’ that for many years I’d clearly been conducting incorrectly🙄I thought that I might one day strangle my DH. I promise you it does get better though. Lucky are those who seem to have the perfect relationships. Nice of them to inform you! You will find a happy medium. Just need to maybe get away somewhere for a break. Neutral territory stuff, where you can air a few problems together. There are some really helpful books out there. One’s called Not Fade Away by Alan Heeks. Good luck and remember…you’re not alone.

I agree that your daily round sounds absolutely boring .I assume you drive ?Why do you not go out with your girlfriends for lunch sometimes ?Do you have no grandchildren or elderly relatives to help out with?
I do talking newspapers and Wi since I retired but there are so many things to do besides just going out for coffees with husband .perhaps I’m weird but see no point doing that when you can have coffee free at home !

It sounds to me as though he just isn't emotionally invested in either you ar his home.. just wants to get away as much as he can. I agree with others that you need to get your anxiety looked at by a professional, and also try marriage guidance.. though I'd be amazed if he agreed to that.. Why don't you get a cleaner and find some interests outside the home?

I recently turned 70 ....and was dog walking with my friend twice a week and 1 morning at FIlaws to help round his bungalow ,he has dementia but now I go 3 mornings we have a laugh together he's 88, and it gives me a purpose , makes me get dressed and out instead of staying home .

There are some harsh answers on here, there are also irrelevant ones and some helpful ones, but I think None of these answers are what you want to hear. I don’t think retirement and how people manage their time is the issue here. I think there are deeper issues involved and I am not sure any of us are qualified to help or support. I think you might benefit from speaking to someone professionally as your mental health is affected. I think there is some gas lighting going on in your relationship but is difficult to know if this is all one sided from this post. Why do you need to ask for money ? There are some red flags here but it hard to know what to say as you seem confused. For example, you don’t want to go out, but you do want a life, you want space but seem to want your husband to be there, perhaps he is confused too.
I think you need to take a step back and work out what the real issues are and how much you really want to change things. Maybe write things down then seek the answers either by working it out with your husband or seeking professional help ( ( maybe couples counselling). No one can help you, unless you are prepared to help yourself.
If you always do what you have always done, you will always, get what you have always got.

You seem to be house proud and want to invest your time and money into your home. He doesn’t seem to notice what needs doing. Is he a DIY person in any way, could he do repairs himself? If not, get someone in and share the cost if you can. Next time you change the bed linen, ask him for help, let him do his own washing, I don’t mean just putting it in the machine, hanging it up, ironing it and putting it away. Household chores are boring and time consuming. Your time is of value too, why should you get all the boring chores eating into your me time. Delegate jobs and then you may find you have more time to do things together, take it in turns to choose what you/want to do and just go with the others choices.

Sounds as if you are terribly fed up with him, but you can have
interests and hobbies.It’s nice for both partners to do separate things, then chat about your day.Why is everything his fault?
It’s not a blame game.

I've done what Katy has and got a part time job. I combine that with childcare which is a very important part of my life.

Retirement is an opportunity to do what you really want imo whether it's hobbies or activities outside the house.

When I read threads like this Im glad I dont have a partner to have to compromise with as I am not a compromising sort of person. My nephew comes around once or twice a week and I adjust for his visits. Everyone else takes pot lock as I work on the computer with headphones and loud music most of the time - unless I have a pre arranged appointment. Its well known here that I run an antiques business although I am starting to scale that down now and have begun to look at another way of making money. Probably some form of private tutoring or similar.

Sounds as though it's maybe not so much about hobbies, activities or household priorities and more about what feelings do you have for each other at this point in your lives. If you both still love each other but have lost your way a bit in knowing how to get on with the practicalities of life and the different interests you have, I would think you have a good chance of making things better. You probably can't fix everything at once, but you could maybe start a conversation saying you know things are not always as good as they could be and you realise you don't both have the same priorities and interests. You could perhaps apologise for something you know you could have said or done differently (doesn't have to be a big issue), tell him you love him and offer to do something which may be a compromise for you ( go to a motorbike/car show). You could be leading by example and gradually make time to discuss some sort of rota for housework, list of things that need done in the house ( accept he doesn't see them as high priority but explain it bothers you -without attaching blame). Praising and thanking him for positive things he does do and going out of your way to do something he likes (even if you don't particularly), might show him that you value and love him and make him realise that he values/loves you too and think about what he could do to change. Just some gentle suggestions and I know it's easier said than done. If the gentle approach doesn't work, you might need to be more direct! If love has gone, do you want to live together but do your own things most of the time? Maybe that could work too, if you can agree how to go about it. Good luck .

I often have difficulties too, relating to my other half and how to recreate and maintain a healthy sense of assertive (ie not resentful) separateness as we go about our daily retired lives.

Sometimes it’s not easy at all. But because I spent considerable time working on this issue (it was necessary!) throughout my life it’s generally easier than it used to be.

Nothing can be gained from an attitude of endless, unrealistic expectation and thus inevitable disappointment.

So I would suggest starting with accepting asking and accepting what you WANT and/or what you DO, an hour at a time if necessary. What we want often changes, after all, right down to what room we want to be in at any time of day, what we want to eat and when, what route we might want to take for a walk, and when, what we want to watch on TV, or read or listen to on our computer screen, etc, etc. If it comes down to being more aware of the day-to-day, hour-by-hour decision-making as a retiree with one’s other half also being retired, isn’t it worth considering very unrealistic indeed to expect either of you to march to each other’s tune at any particular point or points throughout the day? This isn’t at all a criticism of you particularly - countless couples, my hubby and myself included, can sometimes fall into various degrees of this negative, Simon-Says spiral, and god help the underdogs in violently over-controlling partners (domestic violence, eg).

It’s well worth thinking about all this, and finding ways of being with who you and your partner ARE, via perhaps what you each WANT, and what you might agree to towards enjoying each others’ company of only for the duration of a film you might decide to watch together, or an enjoyable meal you might share together if only once a week.

I know this doesn’t address issues like housework and so on, but if he’s not doing stuff then you can CHOOSE what out of all the rest of the chores you are really prepared to get done. There might be disruption and he may be disgruntled but so what? It’s an opportunity to review, to change, to discuss.

Sorry if I’ve rambled on. I’m just saying you can be freer and happier (and so can he) if you really WANT to. And no it’s not always easy, even if ut seems simple.