Grandfathers Are Important Too

Or the OP's son as the other parent of the child, who has just as much right to control who his child sees as the child's mother, could facilitate his father in seeing the child.

The child's mother doesn't have to see her f.i.l. or have any contact with him. She could also insist that the child is never left alone with her f.i.l. and her husband, the child's father, is always present.

Luckygirl3 She is a parent and does have the right to control whom her child sees - just as we did as parents.

Indeed. Your son's problem, not yours, don't meddle in their private life. This is not your problem to solve, in any way.

Dil is allowed her own opinions on her fil. Apparently she may not care for him. He can wait her out, quietly for as long as it takes.

I'm shocked at the reactions of some on here who seem to think grandparents are some sort of an add extra if the parents deign to allow them any access it's sad isn't it maddy and goes some way to explaining why there are I think, two million grandparents estranged from their grandchildren in the UK.

Incidentally if you had seen the way my adult children and their cousins cried and their real distress at the funerals of all four of their grandparents you would understand the vital part grandparents play in their grandchildren’s lives, and know how loved they were.
I’m shocked at the reactions of some on here who seem to think grandparents are some sort of an add extra if the parents deign to allow them any access.
I’m so glad my parents didn’t regard my grandparents in that way.

What odd ideas of family some people have. Whilst I totally agree that this grandmother should tread carefully or she may also be excluded, I think family means all members, including grandparents. Grandparents are not an add on extra if the parents feel magnanimous enough. Grandparents are a wonderful help and support to parents and their children, and yes, I think they are vital. I adored my grandparents, I only had two because the others died, but they were an integral part of my family and my growing up. They enriched my life and I thank God I had them and that my parents would no more have felt the need to control them by ‘allowing’ access as and when they felt like it that they would have thought of flying to the moon. Grandparents should be integral to the family and mine were. When we were in New Zealand recently and had almost complete care of our grandchildren in order to help their mother, our daughter, as her marriage disintegrated, the school told us how valuable we had been at such a difficult time for our beloved grandchildren by providing stability for them. The children love us to bits and we them. This woman is controlling her husband for God knows what reason and she is depriving her child of his grandfather because she can, and that’s just plain nasty in my opinion. Nonetheless this OP has no choice to obey, note the word obey, because that’s what she needs to do, if she wants to continue to see her grandchild. It is nasty when parents, usually in laws it seems, decide to use their children in this nasty and controlling way.

This thread is from 3 months ago

Liamjaik Grandfathers are a vital element of the family unit and should be honored for their contributions.

Ridiculous.

Parents are vital, GP are extras for children, if the parents desire.

Gosh liamjaik you think grandfathers should be "honoured "? And grandmothers?
I'm not expecting that from my family....
Why should that be?

It is NOT for her to try and control it. She is a parent and does have the right to control whom her child sees - just as we did as parents.

But if she and your son cannot agree about this then there is a problem - but it is not your problem to solve and you risk losing your own contact with GC if you interfere. I should just keep the lip zipped and do nothing.

This is for your son to sort out, in conjunction with his wife and his father.

Keep well out of it.

I had the father-in-law from hell, and I too wonder what these ''run-ins and 'the way he treats his son' are.
Do not say you fear she will 'smother' the child by not allowing him to see the grandfather, otherwise you too may be excluded.

I don’t think there’s anything you can do about this. It’s a sad situation but as others have said, it’s for your son to sort out. He is being controlled by his wife which is sad but it is the case. Your baby grandson is the one who is missing out, but if you interfere your grandson may be missing out on a relationship with you too.
My grandchildren adore their grandfather, my husband. They absolutely adore him. Your grandson is definitely missing out on this relationship but there’s nothing you can do about it.

I'm glad you son is getting some help. I agree with others, "don't intervene".

I'm not sure about sharing the pix etc as we don't know enough but I'd be cautious, because above all you want to keep relationships with your son and DiL as good as possible and see your GSon.

What does your son want Keepitlight? I’m sick to death of all this talk of ‘parents’ which actually means ‘mothers’. I agree it’s for your son to sort it out but it sounds as if he needs some emotional support in a relationship where he is not being heard.

What is your DIL like? And, what were the run ins about? Is your ex a domineering person who has to have their own way? If so, I too would have a run in with them and keep them away. If, however, DIL is herself very controlling, your son will need to discuss this with the person who is helping him with the situation, both for his own future and the future of their child? Perhaps you could just stay in the background and listen in to get a good picture. As for being a go between, my cousin was like this and was a right pain.

I’d be very curious as to what the previous arguments were about, and what about how your ex treats your son his wife.

No child deserves to witness their parents being disrespected or mistreated.

Liamjaik
Grandfathers are a vital element of the family unit and should be honored for their contributions.

No. Grandfathers are not vital anymore than anyone else - but a good grandfather is certainly a valuable asset to a family.

I grew up with no grandfather and never missed one. My father however was a great and loving grandfather to my children.
I can think of a couple of not-very "vital" grandfathers to be honest... and on this site we regularly hear of some not-so-great grandmothers too.

The value of a person to/in a family is entirely dependent on the person they are, not their position in the hierarchy or how exactly they are related.

In this case the child's grandfather has been sufficiently argumentative objectionable or out of order in some way to have been cut out.
Most of us would not do this without reason. It may be something that KeepitLight68 doesn't even know about.

*KeepitLight68" - you say
I feel like she will eventually "smother" the child by not allowing him (when he understands more of the world around him and sees the various relationships in his life) to make his own opinion about his grandfather. It is NOT for her to try and control it.
...Well, I don't understand two things here... I don't understand how this action is smothering and I don't understand how as a parent you are NOT the person to decide who your infant has a relationship with. Surely the parents (together) decide this.
I know we decided which adults had relationships with our children.

It’s her child, not yours or your ex partners. If your ex has displayed behaviours to cause her to distance them from him then she is only protecting her child and nobody can blame her for that. It sounds like your ex made his bed and now needs to lie in it. Better to stay out of it and let the parents of the child make the decision of what is best for the child (it is not your place to say whether you think that decision is right or wrong)
If you interfere or try to push the situation, you may be faced with resentment from the child’s parents.
Have you asked the parents if it’s ok to share pictures and videos with your ex? You should because they are pics and videos of THEIR child. You shouldn’t share pics and videos of someone else’s child without checking it’s ok first

There seems to be a bit of back story here. What are the 'run ins'? And how does he treat his son? Maybe your DIL doesn't like seeing her husband being badly treated.

Of course do nothing, it's between him and his dad to sort out.

Grams2five

You don’t help her see anything. In fact you back your way entirely out of the situation. This is on your son and his wife to work out - you do and say nothing. It’s not your hill, not your child, and not even your spouse. I would also stop sharing photos and videos without the parents consent immediately

Agreed. You set yourself up for trouble by interfering in any way or giving pictures not yours to give. Stop meddling.

Let your son do what's necessary to sort this with his wife.

Important the child has happy parents. GP are nice extras.

The value of a grandpa to a family is often underappreciated. These should not be overlooked. Grandfathers are a great source of knowledge and direction for their grandchildren because of their years of experience and insight. Grandfathers can be a great comfort and source of affection for their grandchildren. They can teach children about the value of love, loyalty, and tradition. Grandfathers are a vital element of the family unit and should be honored for their contributions.

I can only repeat what others have said. This is for your son and DIL to work out.

Depending on the nature of the “run ins” with your ex, and how it is he treats your son, she may very well be right to, as you say, “not allow your grandson to come to his own opinion about his grandfather.” If there are real concerns then it is for her, as your grandchild’s parent, “to try and control it”.

It’s impossible to say as it really depends on the background to the current situation.

Agree M0nica, the child's mother's personal dislike shouldn't be a deciding factor if dad's happy to see his own father and for the child to see him too.

The problem is your son's not yours. If he has any self -respect or sense of justice he will inssit to his wife that the boy should know his grandfather. She doesn't have to see him, but your son could take him orund to see his grandfather once a month or other such arrangement.

Yes I agree Grams2five and haven't suggested that the OP does get involved.

Smileless2012

Yes it does AmberSpyglass and as the OP says he's caught in the middle, at his wits end and seeing someone who he hopes will suggest ways to cope, it doesn't sound as if he's happy with the situation.

And perhaps he’s not - but that is 100% for him to work out with his spouse not for grandma too but into