Feeling selfish

You’re important too. Your husband is not immobile, so for pull back a little. Have “me time” each day and go on breaks etc. It’s amazing how many people being looked after develop ways of coping when help isn’t there. If a carer isn’t well who steps in then?

Angstridden... you will not get this time back..so whilst he can still look after himself I would encouurage him to lose weight and to help you with household chores.. as you say you have enabled him to become dependent but that doesn't need to continue.. I would take every opportunity you can to live your own life as fully as you wish and to go out, or away as much as you can whilst you still can, life will be very different if he actually becomes completely disabled.

Neither horrible nor selfish. I was a registered nurse in the US for many years. Some of the greatest challenges for the chronically ill are maintaining the motivation to get better or to avoid sedentary living. Perhaps you’ve done too much for him without him having any incentive to help himself. Speak to whatever healthcare resources are available to help map out a plan to get him to do as much as he can for himself within the limits of his condition. Every little bit helps. It’s actually really harmful foster total dependence because deterioration comes faster. I’d start with getting him more involved with ADLs (activities if daily living) that you typically do for him. Encourage him. Have a chat with him and explain that it is for his own good that he helps homself more. Also start preparing healthier meals if you do the majority of the cooking. His weight gain nay eventually mean his death. Tell him that verbatim if you get push back on meals. He is also welcome to arrange his own meals if he has an issue.

At a certain point in life, it’s “use it or lose it.” He needs to be more actively participating in his own care. For you, for his physical health, and for his dignity. Care giver burnout is inevitable if you continue at this rate. Don’t feel guilty! Just make changes!

DiamondLily
I’m so sorry about your husband, that must have been a shock and I quite understand that however frustrating it may have been, you miss him a great deal. I love my husband dearly but it does help to express our feelings on an anonymous forum sometimes, doesn’t it?

It's very, very hard when you are having to provide increasing care for someone, especially if you have health problems of your own.

I was in this position.

DH tried, but health and age crept up on him.

I used to get tired, sometimes snappy, but I ploughed on, getting ever more exhausted.

But, he suddenly (unexpectedly), died in April, and curiously, I'd give anything to be caring for him again.

It's hard work getting older with health problems, so I guess we just struggle through the best we can.

Best wishes.💐

You are not a horrible person you have devoted a lot of time caring for your DH.
He is capable of doing something's for himself so now is the time for you. Mentally and physically exhausted you need to talk about getting some outside care arranged.
You should step back and not be so willing to help out look after yourself.

My husband has increased mobility problems and I basically run the house, maintain the garden and due to him being an insomniac, have taken over some of the driving as I don’t feel he is safe at times. I luckily, so far, have reasonable health but it won’t always be this way. He would not be able to look after me, but at least I have a supportive daughter who tries to protect me. Both son and daughter have had a chat with my husband and said he needs to help me more as I am getting tired with all the caring. That talk has fallen on deaf ears and nothing has changed. I try to go out to my interests as I know I need social interaction which I don’t get at home.

One of the reasons I never returned to my home city was that as the divorced/childfree daughter I might have got lumbered with caring for elderly parents had I lived nearer. There are advantages to being a non driver and there were no smart phones or internet back then.

There are a lot of us here in the same boat as you, Angstridden2 and you are not selfish.

Do you have some time to yourself every day, either for a hobby, a rest, or just to do nothing?

I do and find it makes it easier for me to get through the rest of the day and by and large to bite my tongue instead of biting DH's nose off, when he complains again about what neither of us can change, however much we want to.

Hope some of these answers are helpful or that just knowing how many others are in the boat with you is.

Reclaim your time, own life and yourself.

Set boundaries on what you do for him

You both need to sit down and prepare a care plan so you are ready when the time comes

Great. The first of many outings I hope.

It is so easy to get into this situation I know from experience.
And of course we know that enabling does not improve anything in the long run.

You will come back refreshed which is good for both of you. I must do the same!

I’ve taken your advice and booked a spa day with friends. He is not disabled and can totally look after himself, he just has some mobility issues which frustrate him. I have to admit that I have enabled him ..chickens home to roost I’m afraid. I still love him very much but feel a resentment that I’m a soft touch because of this!

What is he actually capable of?

I assume he can get himself up, showered, shaved and dressed, and that these absolute basics don't fall to you. If he can't, can he get help in these areas from Social Work carers? Ask your GP for a referral.

Once up and running (figuratively speaking) how does he spend his day?

If he sits in an armchair watching TV while you do everything to keep the home going and keep him fed, watered and entertained, then he willl be getting bored and lethargic, which is a sure-fire recipe for depression. He needs some responsibilities and some work to keep his hands and brain in use - and you need some help with the chores.

Can he peel and chop vegetables? Sit him at a table with some washed potatoes, carrots, onions etc and some bouillon powder (Marigold?), a potato peeler, a knife, a cutting board a big saucepan and a basic soup recipe.

Repeat this with sugar, flour, fat, apples, potato peeler, knife, cutting board, oven-proof dish and recipe for apple crumble. A short tutorial might be needed on rubbing in the fat, or mashing it in with a fork, or he might prefer the high-tech (and therefore more masculine) option of using a food processor.

Hey presto - he has made an excellent meal, and filled in a whole morning or afternoon with Meaningful Activity.

Boz

Recently, a nurse told me how often they see the breakdown of health or demise of the carer before the sick person they are looking after.
Nearly always women, sadly, seeing to their partner's needs to the bitter end.

I know a man whose wife waited on him, he was always too ill to do anything but when she died, he dusted himself off, joined a local Seniors club, went out on outings and moved a ‘lady friend’ ( his words ) in with him, she refused to wait on him and he was quite happy to pull his weight.
Please OP get your husband to shift himself, he can still do things, even if it’s from a chair, take a step back, even if you just go out for the day, leave him the makings of lunch but let him do it himself. Baby steps.

I agree with Smileless. You are exhausted.

When I was caring for my husband and at a pint were I was weeping with exhaustion and frustration I saw a counsellor. Not just to pour out my trouble but a very practical down to earth woman who enabled me to make changes in my life.

One of the best questions she asked was “If you were not caring for your husband what would you like to be doing now” Actually I’d got to the stage where it was hard to think of anything but I said “Go to the theatre with a friend.” And she said “Then that is what you must do.”

It was amazing how by doing that one thing I started to take back some life of my own.

Now that may not be helpful to you, but I do think a good counsellor might be. Your health is important too.

Thanks for the support ladies (I assume). I do think women are programmed to care and to feel guilty when they run out of steam (and patience). Doesn’t help that the weather is vile and many of my usual activities have stopped during the holidays).

Hi Angst. I can really understand where you are coming from. Same sort of situation here. I think some of us are hard wired to care....but it's not good for us at all.

I have decided to make life as easy for us both as possible. And to factor in some time away from home regularly each week.

Most of the stuff I do about the house I would have to do anyway if it were just me here.

The depression is so hard to deal with. I am trying to ignore the negativity and boost any positivity. And keep in regular touch with friends. You are not horrible at all. Far from it. Chin up.

You are not being unreasonable. I couldn’t have put up with this man for so long. I would have left long ago.

Theexwife

Being frustrated about your position does not make you horrible or selfish, nobody wants to become a carer to their partner.

I got divorced in my 50s and do not want a long-term relationship as it could mean becoming a carer later. The flip side is I would not have anyone to look after me if needed but would not want to put that on a partner anyway.

I only got divorced Jan this year at 72 but I am wary for the same reasons as you.

I struggle with this and that to look after myself and would be swamped with another's needs, because I have that thing I described above - sort of switching on to another's needs at expense of own just the way a lot of us were brought up.

Truly,O/P, especially as DH has a counsellor, you need to try and find something that is just for you and try and not be quite so available, but I have no magic tricks to suggest how, we are all so different.

My sympathies!
Contact some sort of carers' group locally to get support / counselling for yourself. Google, ask at GP surgery or ask his mental health team. Whatever suits you - group meeting for a friendly coffee, or individual help.
Tell him that you need this in order to keep caring. It will help you sort out what best to do to keep going yourself. Bear in mind that you can't care for him if you are being so drained.
Good luck

Well now he is mildly depressed (which he has suffered with several times over the years) and can’t sleep which is really getting to him understandably.He is having counselling but oh my, it’s hard to live with someone you know is unhappy. I feel my whole life revolves around his health and feelings. I’m sure I’m being unreasonable, but it is draining and I feel like the housekeeper.

Of course you're not horrible.

Have you considered hiring help? The plan we have put in place is to hire competent help when needed. Likely soon as we're around 80.

Sounds like he's jolly lucky to have you. Make sure you have lots of treats for yourself. Of course you're not horrible, you have every right to a pleasant life. Get someone from Age Uk to advise on support and help...maybe if you get the right benefits you could get someone in to give you a respite break..

Recently, a nurse told me how often they see the breakdown of health or demise of the carer before the sick person they are looking after.
Nearly always women, sadly, seeing to their partner's needs to the bitter end.

I agree with the facilitator/carer role that women seem to automatically take on.

Fortunately, my DH and I have generally had good health so far. However, I worry that if I am ever ill, I will be left mainly to my own devices, apart from the occasional cup of tea. On the other hand, my DH will be the worst patient ever. He is a nightmare when he just has a cold.

It is frustrating, but it is them being selfish, not you.

Maybe you should have the conversation with him