Cougars - not the four legged type

It's a really sad situation isn't it ?

Poor lonely lady looking for love and no doubt upset about being estranged from one of her sons .

She's probably being scammed .
Almost certainly it will end in tears .

I wonder if she'll actually listen to you .
You can only try .

Just wondering if she really needs to be married Fran?

Couldn't she do all the things she wants without actually marrying him?
She can then leave any property abroad to this man if she wants and the UK property to her own family.
She would also be in control of her own life in other respects I feel.

Why are so many women, especially older women, so dependent on being in a relaionship with a man, any man , for ther sense of real worth.

Why do so many women still see a another woman without a male appendage as a failure?

I do not think it was chance that meant I fell for a man with a working mother who was the main reliable wage earner (she was a teacher) in his childhood faamily. His father was a skilled engineer in the car industry when the work was seasonal, (September - March). From April to August he took any work he could get - usually as a farm labourer.

It meant DH was completely comfortable with the concept of being married to an independent woman with her own career. Our DD decided very early that she wanted neither marriage nor children, and no one in the family batted an eyelid or even suggested that she might regret her decision.

I feel sad and sorry for these women, who will grab at a man regardless of age or cultural similarities and can convince themselves that they are truly loved, even though they end up penniless, having given their 'love' every penny they own ans still not see that the only love was cupboard love.

The first time we went to Gambia, I bought some magazines and one had the headline 'Granny went to Gambia and came back with Aids!
I was happily sitting outside reading and a security guard came up to me 'are you alone?' he said suggestively.
We saw lots of grannies wrapped around young men and one of them told us that she had bought a house in Gambia and when she was in England, her boyfriend's family moved in to take care of it!

GagaJo

sodapop

Strange isn't it how the age difference is acceptable with an older man and younger woman but not the other way round.
I hope your friend is not giving away money she can't afford Franbern

Although I mostly agree with this, I also think any 30 year old woman with a 70 year old man would be thought a gold digger.

Yes.

Although I read that Rupert Murdoch, 92 year old billionaire, was the one to break off his latest engagement.

There's a vacancy if anyone's interested!

Germanshepherdsmum

Is she sure this man is who he says he is? It sounds very much like a dating scam. She’s basically now buying a home for him - where when she’s in the UK (and maybe even when she’s not) he will likely be entertaining ladies nearer his own age. Personally I would risk the friendship by trying to open her eyes and ask if she seriously thinks a man of 30 is attracted to a 70 year old - or to her money.

Yes, we read and see these scams on TV and women are left without a home, without a penny yet still along comes another one who falls for it.

They are always astonished afterwards that they could have been so stupid.

To put the other side. A gay friend of my sister's married a Thai man, much his junior. My sister and all his friends feared just what the OP feared. The two of them own a house in the UK and in Thailand, where the Thai partner does spend several months of the year.

But overall the relationship has worked. The relationship has lasted at least 10 years, they are still together and, while, my sister suspects her friend's partne is not entiely physically faithful, her friend is happy, and if his Thai husband gets everything on his death, is that any different from any other marriage?

sodapop

Strange isn't it how the age difference is acceptable with an older man and younger woman but not the other way round.
I hope your friend is not giving away money she can't afford Franbern

Although I mostly agree with this, I also think any 30 year old woman with a 70 year old man would be thought a gold digger.

She may not care what anyone thinks. She may even know that she is being used. Maybe she just wants a bit of fun in her twilight years. It wouldn't do for me but each to their own.

One of our distant relatives married a bloke 37 years older than her, touch of the Rupert Murdochs . He has died now after they had been married about 15 years, reasonably happily. She is very,very wealthy now but the last 5 years of his life she was his carer running him round to hospitals and doctors and generally being his nurse. Sometimes these big gaps work but that would be the exception rather than the rule I think.

Marriage would give him citizenship and the ability to bring family here - that (plus the money) could well be what he’s after if he’s from a poor country.

He probably won’t marry her but drain all her assets and move on but she fell for it. She is obviously totally smitten by the attention nothing you say will deter her.
A much older relative of mine did the same thing about five years ago went abroad to pursue an online “relationship” and came back penniless.

No fool like an old fool.

Germanshepherdsmum

If she marries this man (might he be seeking British citizenship by marrying her?) this will automatically revoke her will.

Thanks, GSM, had not thought of that. Will warn her about this.

About a decade ago ,I was having a quiet drink in a pub with a friend .

We were looking at the lunch menu when two guys joined us uninvited .

I didn't know that my friend had been waving and smiling at one of them .

They were about 15 - 20 years younger than us .

They were odd jobbers , who seemed to sleep rough .

I got the impression that they were high on something or perhaps drunk .

One of them told us that he and his mate look for women like us .

We are cougars apparently !

They'd enjoy staying with us , having lots of really kinky sex and any gifts would be appreciated !

We rushed to the loo to excuse ourselves and beat a hasty retreat in my friend's extremely beaten up rusty old banger !

Normally we'd go on the bus !

We were both dressed in fairly shabby old macs .

We both needed some new clothes and a trip to the hairdresser - if not a full make over !

If she marries this man (might he be seeking British citizenship by marrying her?) this will automatically revoke her will.

Why not direct her to information about romance scams. There are so many, and certainly the link between young African men and older women should be extensively covered as there has been so much of it.

Personally, with so much information everywhere you go from talks to Darby and Joan clubs (as in our village), to articles in magazines and online information, I almost reach the stage where I feel people like this (and men are just as vulnerable) deserve what they get.

Yes, she has met him. Spent the last couple of months with him in his own country. Met his parents and family etc. I have seen his photo and he is a very nice looking young man.

She is set on this path and I feel the best thing i can do is to make sure that she ties up her finances so thee is no way this young man can take anything rom her with out her knowlege and permission. She has a will in place for her English house (estate) to be shared between her son and her g.children. She intends making this young man the beneficiary for the apartment she hopes to purchase in his country. So, she is taking precautions. I think she has been sensible with regard to finances - I am more concerned about her state of mind as she is so certain he is as much in love with her as she is with him.

I have been quite blunt when talking to her, also asking what she thinks HE is getting out of the relationship.

I think the insulting term Cougar is usually applied to rather more rapacious women who are not so much looking for love as for sex. However, the age gap, plus the fact that the man is not a British citizen is something of a red flag. This might well be a case of "There is no fool like an old fool".

Older men – usually the rich ones – with much younger wives or lovers are regarded with a high level of admiration, at least by quite a lot of other men, especially when they refer to "their" women as trophy wives. It must be very sad to be thought of as a thing, an ornament, an accolade. The men who do this are the ones who call themselves alpha males. Ha, bloody ha!

While on this subject, which I think you now reliase causes me concern and fury on both counts, one of the most distressing things I heard – and I do not know for certain whether it is true – is that teenage Ivanka Trump asked her father to promise he would never date a woman younger than her. How horrible is that?

She’s not a friend as such, an acquaintance, but values your opinion as you have not been so critical as some others.

When discussing things again, I assume you will, I would tell her straight that she is being taken for a ride.

If she ignores what you say, well, you’ve done all you can and from the sound of it, you’re not really close anyway.

She’ll be appearing on some documentary in the future, as have other such victims, crying, penniless, not able to believe she wasn’t the love of his life….

It sounds like one of these cash scams. These people, very often, don't even exist as who they say they are.

They scam victims out of everything they can.

It is her life, but you could gently suggest that she watches a couple of these programmes - For Love or Money:

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000b1px

Obviously this relationship is unlikely to end well but you could advise her not to marry this young man, or downsize her property and buy in his country at this early stage.

She's already given him money so I don't hold out much hope for her - at the very least he'll get his hands on any property she buys in his country.

Has she even met him yet in real life?

Is she sure this man is who he says he is? It sounds very much like a dating scam. She’s basically now buying a home for him - where when she’s in the UK (and maybe even when she’s not) he will likely be entertaining ladies nearer his own age. Personally I would risk the friendship by trying to open her eyes and ask if she seriously thinks a man of 30 is attracted to a 70 year old - or to her money.

sodapop

Strange isn't it how the age difference is acceptable with an older man and younger woman but not the other way round.
I hope your friend is not giving away money she can't afford Franbern

No, I most definitely do not find a forty year age difference, whichever way round (man/girl, woman/lad, female/female, male/male!!!

My best friend was married, very happily to a man 22 years older than her. She was exactly the same age as me and my hubbie. Can remember how often difficulties arose when we had chats about the past, her hubbie (lovely man), was nearer to the age of my Mother in Law than us.

But forty years!!! She is arranging to down size from her house here, to a small flat and purchasing a small apartment in this lads country, so she can live in each place for six months of the year, and this lad would stay and ' apartment; sit' for the other six months. She us estranged from one of her sons, and the other is obviously concerned but does not want to fall out with his Mum,

She is not a close friend, only have known her a short while, she says she values my opinion as I have not been scornful. She does say how lonely she is, which IMO is the basis of it all.

For myself I really cannot ever imagine having or wanting to have any sort of relationship with anyone so much younger than myself - but that is me, and we are all so very different.

Not an uncommon situation, and my instinct is that the best "support" that you can give her is to not get involved, but to stand by for if/when it all goes pear-shaped. You're dead right.. "Her money, her life", so leave it at that.