Difficult husband, any advice please?

ExDancer

My DH is pretty much the same and I did once ask for advice on here.
I got the same rash of stupid answers telling me to leave him. Please STOP, its not about OP's relationship - the question is about dealing with her husband's rudeness. If she wants marriage advice I'm sure she'll ask.

That's not what she wants to hear and its a silly thing to say to a couple who have had a relationship long enough to produce a daughter of 'boyfriend age'.

My daughter brought a delightful boy home who was very overweight. They did eventually marry and have a son and are happy. She arranged for him to come to meet me first and together we explained about DH's 'problem' to new boyfriend so that when we did have the 'formal' meet the family tea he was ready for the impolite remarks about his weight. DD was ready for him too and told him in no uncertain terms that weight was off the agenda. DH hardly said a word through the visit.
He won't change, and will get worse - we've been married 63 years, and i do a lot of eye rolling and face-pulling when we're with friends - and they all know what he's like and I've stopped being embarrassed.

Well clearly the OP isn't as exercised by the replies she's had as you are, because she's expressed her gratitude at the response!

If you present a relationship problem within a marriage here on GN and ask for advice then it's inevitable that some of that advice will be to question whether you want to continue with such a marriage. Especially if your partner is gaslighting you, blaming you for his own failures, and refusing to discuss or change his behaviour.

You've found a way of dealing with similar behaviour, but that doesn't mean that everyone can or will want to do the same as you.

I'm sure the OP will reflect on the replies she's had and make up her own mind - as people generally do. However, she appears to have appreciated the different responses, so I don't think you can say that "it's not what she wants to hear". I would assume she simply wanted to hear what others thought.

If he's become noticeably more disinhibited recently the it would be useful to get a MH assessment for dementia.. However if he is behaving like this deliberately to be obnoxious and doesn't care about you and your family's reactions and feelings then I would seriously consider leaving him.. or should I say him leaving your home by getting a divorce. You cannot be expected to live in a situation where you can't comfortably have family and friends visit you.. we need a good social life even more as we get older. I hope you resolve this horrible situation

My DH is pretty much the same and I did once ask for advice on here.
I got the same rash of stupid answers telling me to leave him. Please STOP, its not about OP's relationship - the question is about dealing with her husband's rudeness. If she wants marriage advice I'm sure she'll ask.

That's not what she wants to hear and its a silly thing to say to a couple who have had a relationship long enough to produce a daughter of 'boyfriend age'.

My daughter brought a delightful boy home who was very overweight. They did eventually marry and have a son and are happy. She arranged for him to come to meet me first and together we explained about DH's 'problem' to new boyfriend so that when we did have the 'formal' meet the family tea he was ready for the impolite remarks about his weight. DD was ready for him too and told him in no uncertain terms that weight was off the agenda. DH hardly said a word through the visit.
He won't change, and will get worse - we've been married 63 years, and i do a lot of eye rolling and face-pulling when we're with friends - and they all know what he's like and I've stopped being embarrassed.

If you really don’t want to separate or divorce for whatever reason. Don’t let him ruin your relationships with family or friends make arrangements without him. You really do need to point out in no uncertain terms he is ignorant rude and obnoxious. Don’t let him intervene and blame you if that’s what he usually does.
Speak to your family and friends openly about it be honest don’t be embarrassed about it. He may well have a mental problem but will be in denial tell him to seek medical advice.

I’m 72 so one of the start overs late in life.

It will help if your AC support you, but don’t involve them in making the decision. Their trouble lies as their dad is still their Dad. Tell them as soon as you have started the process off: your husband may try to manipulate them onto ‘sides’.
My advice is also to keep any evidence of manipulation/threats: sound record, keep texts letters notes. Keep your dignity: try not to get involved in arguments.

Supportive friends are good; but my Ex had prevented me having close friends that’s why I went to a counselor. However my DS wasn’t his son: that was a last marriage: and after DS and especially DiL had experienced him first hand at his worst, there was full support there.

You don’t have to live like this. You’ve a right to your own life and freedom. I’ve been divorced for about 6 years now, was with my ex for nearly 30. Not easy to start from scratch in your late 50s - as I was at the time - but it can be done, and many women have done it into their 60s and even older. Ask yourself what you really want - and then start making it happen. All the best.

Perhaps it's the start of dementia. My elderly mother became quite embarrassing. Never nasty but she never thought before she spoke. She made racist comments to carers, insulted one carer who was overweight and so on. I used to dread what she would say next. It's very difficult unless you can talk to your husband and explain how you feel. However, IMO, I think men are difficult in one way or another whatever their age which isn't much help.

Redsally

Thank you so much everyone, I’m taking all your comments and building some support for myself. I’m overwhelmed by how lovely you all are. I’ve done this so long it feels almost normal but I know I have to make the change or stay here sad forever and the clocks ticking! Thank you again I appreciate you all so much

Wishing you the best outcome Redsally... I hope we've given you the impetus to change your life. You deserve better than this.

I did get counseling help to be able to make the break.

Afterwards you gradually realize bit by bit how oppressive a ‘regime’ it was that you’d lived with and ‘adapted’ to. But it is easy to say and hard to do

Thank you so much everyone, I’m taking all your comments and building some support for myself. I’m overwhelmed by how lovely you all are. I’ve done this so long it feels almost normal but I know I have to make the change or stay here sad forever and the clocks ticking! Thank you again I appreciate you all so much

Redsally, I doubt that you'll be able to change his behaviour - but you can always change yours. You could warn potential visitors, perhaps explain that he's 'unwell' these days.

If you want to meet family, maybe visit them alone or just arrange to go out without him. Perhaps you could send him elsewhere - maybe to a day centre or club?

My aunt put up with an embarrassing husband by arranging tasks for him when we visited - like digging the garden or cleaning windows - as he just couldn't manage socialising. Still, he swore like a trooper and obviously resented our presence.

Personally, I'd just have to get away from the situation - temporarily or permanently. Get the GP to contact him for his yearly check up and blood tests, though. They are used to men who won't go.

Would it help to see a counsellor, on your own, not with him?

You only have one life so not a good idea to waste any more of it. See a solicitor and get some advice re finances so you have a clear picture.

If possible ask around locally for a good divorcé solicitor who will have your best interest in mind.

Do you have a GP you can discuss this with? Or a long-term family friend who could help you and has been aware of his behaviour deteriorating?
I am so sorry for you.
My DFiL in old age became unpredictable, making passes at women etc and embarrassing his DW and DC.
He became selfish and demanding but occasionally he would be his lovely old self.
Could your DH have dementia?

Well said VS .

I think you would be happier without him and so would your children

You really need to think about what you want going forward. We have one life and one chance to grab all the happy we can

Confide in your children, he is clearly unbalancing your relationship with your children - that is not acceptable!
See a solicitor, why should you have to put up with his behavior !? Remind him that you will always be mother to your children but you don't have to remain his wife!!
You deserve better and so do your children, life is precious and short so do whatever is necessary to enjoy it .

I divorced my husband last year, finalised in January this year, because he was an abusive narcissist. Its a lot easier under the. new No Fault divorce laws as one person can intimate it without the other person agreeing and you do not have to prove fault. Thats not to say its easy: emotionally ex got up to all kinds of gaslighting stuff.

Your husband shows many signs of being a coercive covert narcissist - there is a lot online and on u tube about being in a relationship with a Narcissist - many a lot more extreme than you describe and what I went through, but still significant.

You need to start by talking to a solicitor. Your cant et half an hours free advice. I did it all on a zoom, I had a good recommendation from a neighbour.

The actual divorce and the finances are separate

but of course they do both have to be resolved at some point, sooner rather than later if you have to see the house and split it. You can move out and get the divorce and leave finances to later in theory but that leaves you open to possible claims in the future.

You need quick advice on finances. I kept the house in return for ex's future inheritance prospects but no savings, however my income is enough.

Its hard being on your own but I have a loving family and you do too.

bests xx

I had one like this but not any more. My ex embarrassed me for years in front of friends and family and I put up with it for far too long. I remember cringing at the dreadful things he used to say, sometimes just because he enjoyed shocking people or getting a rise out of them. He was so rude and unpleasant that on one occasion our friends just got up and walked out in the middle of a meal rather than sit and listen to any more of it. Like you I used to try and talk to him about it but, like your husband, he said it wasn't his problem if people took offence and he'd say what he wanted in his own home. I ended up divorcing him. My adult children still keep in touch with him a little and they tell me that he's lonely, rarely goes out and has no friends. Unlike me.

Clearly you can't continue like this. You retired early due to ill health, so this is not doing you any good at all.

Perhaps your first step is to see a solicitor so that you get an idea of what the financial situation will be - should you decide to leave. At least then you'll have some kind of framework to work from.

It doesn't sound like he's going to change. Whether he's suffering from some sort of dementia is impossible to know, but broaching the subject - him seeing a GP basically about his behaviour, is not going to be easy. Perhaps you could talk to your own GP about the situation and ask him / her how you could go about this?

For the time being, probably the best thing is to ignore him as far as is humanly possible. Don't reprimand him for the things he says, just walk out on him and go into another room to do something else.

As others have said, confide in your adult children and get their input.

I think you need to have a plan. Living like that is horrible, and you don't have to put up with it - nor your adult children.

I have wondered about his health but I actually don’t know how I’d get him to a GP about that, he definitely would go

@madeInYorkshire he doesn’t have one! Not sure how I’d stand with mine as I started to draw it within a couple of years of being married to him so maybe he’s not entitled to much, I was ill health retired quite young

Could your husband be dementing? You say he's been getting worse as he's got older. If that is the case, he maybe needs to see the GP with a view to getting some sort of diagnosis.
I can't think how you would manage to persuade him, however, other than by leaving him, which would shock him into some sort of change, either his behaviour or he'd agree to see the GP.
Good luck. You - and your daughter - can't go on living like this.

Redsally

Thank you everyone, it’s really useful to have like a litmus test on this as it’s something I haven’t discussed before and sometimes it’s easy to think you’re not assessing things properly.
I need to have a good think about your comments. I think I would need to see a solicitor or take advice because although I can manage financially on my own I have a feeling he might be entitled to some of my pension if I go which could make things tricky.

But also you would be entitled to some of his!

Wishing you the best of luck with this, keep us posted!

Thank you everyone, it’s really useful to have like a litmus test on this as it’s something I haven’t discussed before and sometimes it’s easy to think you’re not assessing things properly.
I need to have a good think about your comments. I think I would need to see a solicitor or take advice because although I can manage financially on my own I have a feeling he might be entitled to some of my pension if I go which could make things tricky.

I think it's either time to go, or to have a completely separate social life! He's not going to change, and if he won't even talk about it then, you're on hiding to nothing.

I think if it were me and you sound as though you have good relationships with your AC, I think I would arrange a meet up without him and see what they think. It's possible that they think you should leave him to it, but haven't actually said it in fear of upsetting you?

Would you be able to survive financially or has he got his claws into that too?