Difficult husband, any advice please?

How about you having a social life of your own?

It doesn’t sound as though your husband has much going for him Redsally.
Why would you consider staying/living with someone that makes you feel so unhappy and also is risking ruining your relationship with your adult children?
Imagine how miserable you would be if your children were married and had children themselves and your husband ruined the relationship with them.
I would be waving goodbye to him already.

This is a long term issue and he has been this way forever - you need to if this is a deal breaker for your relationship

Don't let this dictate the relationship with your AC and others - do what's best for you

Personally, I wouldn’t live with what you describe especially as it is now affecting your relationships with your AC.
The choice is yours though whether you want to live like this or as nothing you have tried to change the situation is being taken into consideration….time to leave him to it?

Just wondering has anyone one else stood up to him or pulled him up on his inappropriate language.
I would go and meet friends and family without him advising him that if he can not behave in a polite and civilised manner he can stay at home.

He sounds absolutely dreadful, I don’t think I could stay with someone who made mine and my children’s lives a misery, you only live once, and you are worth much more. It doesn’t reflect on you Redsally it’s him that’s saying these things not you, but I’m sure your adult children must be concerned when they know how things are in your household, he’s not making things easy for you. I feel for you. Not nice to hear.

Long term, ask yourself why you are putting up with him and his behaviour! Why are you tiptoeing around him, trying to talk to him etc while he ignores everything and just carries on? Be honest with yourself, are you scared of him? Are your AC? If so, you need to consider your future, your safety and walk!

Short term re your adult children ...meet them and partners elsewhere. Tell DH straight that you have done this because of his behaviour and none of you will tolerate it anymore! If he kicks off, tell him its in his hands to change and stop it.

If you know he is gas lighting you about something I'd just say "Do you know how ridiculous you sound turning this into my fault" , roll your eyes and walk away.

But all that depends on whether you are living in fear etc. So sorry you are dealing with this [ flowers]

I think it's either time to go, or to have a completely separate social life! He's not going to change, and if he won't even talk about it then, you're on hiding to nothing.

I think if it were me and you sound as though you have good relationships with your AC, I think I would arrange a meet up without him and see what they think. It's possible that they think you should leave him to it, but haven't actually said it in fear of upsetting you?

Would you be able to survive financially or has he got his claws into that too?

Thank you everyone, it’s really useful to have like a litmus test on this as it’s something I haven’t discussed before and sometimes it’s easy to think you’re not assessing things properly.
I need to have a good think about your comments. I think I would need to see a solicitor or take advice because although I can manage financially on my own I have a feeling he might be entitled to some of my pension if I go which could make things tricky.

Redsally

Thank you everyone, it’s really useful to have like a litmus test on this as it’s something I haven’t discussed before and sometimes it’s easy to think you’re not assessing things properly.
I need to have a good think about your comments. I think I would need to see a solicitor or take advice because although I can manage financially on my own I have a feeling he might be entitled to some of my pension if I go which could make things tricky.

But also you would be entitled to some of his!

Wishing you the best of luck with this, keep us posted!

Could your husband be dementing? You say he's been getting worse as he's got older. If that is the case, he maybe needs to see the GP with a view to getting some sort of diagnosis.
I can't think how you would manage to persuade him, however, other than by leaving him, which would shock him into some sort of change, either his behaviour or he'd agree to see the GP.
Good luck. You - and your daughter - can't go on living like this.

@madeInYorkshire he doesn’t have one! Not sure how I’d stand with mine as I started to draw it within a couple of years of being married to him so maybe he’s not entitled to much, I was ill health retired quite young

I have wondered about his health but I actually don’t know how I’d get him to a GP about that, he definitely would go

Clearly you can't continue like this. You retired early due to ill health, so this is not doing you any good at all.

Perhaps your first step is to see a solicitor so that you get an idea of what the financial situation will be - should you decide to leave. At least then you'll have some kind of framework to work from.

It doesn't sound like he's going to change. Whether he's suffering from some sort of dementia is impossible to know, but broaching the subject - him seeing a GP basically about his behaviour, is not going to be easy. Perhaps you could talk to your own GP about the situation and ask him / her how you could go about this?

For the time being, probably the best thing is to ignore him as far as is humanly possible. Don't reprimand him for the things he says, just walk out on him and go into another room to do something else.

As others have said, confide in your adult children and get their input.

I think you need to have a plan. Living like that is horrible, and you don't have to put up with it - nor your adult children.

I had one like this but not any more. My ex embarrassed me for years in front of friends and family and I put up with it for far too long. I remember cringing at the dreadful things he used to say, sometimes just because he enjoyed shocking people or getting a rise out of them. He was so rude and unpleasant that on one occasion our friends just got up and walked out in the middle of a meal rather than sit and listen to any more of it. Like you I used to try and talk to him about it but, like your husband, he said it wasn't his problem if people took offence and he'd say what he wanted in his own home. I ended up divorcing him. My adult children still keep in touch with him a little and they tell me that he's lonely, rarely goes out and has no friends. Unlike me.

I divorced my husband last year, finalised in January this year, because he was an abusive narcissist. Its a lot easier under the. new No Fault divorce laws as one person can intimate it without the other person agreeing and you do not have to prove fault. Thats not to say its easy: emotionally ex got up to all kinds of gaslighting stuff.

Your husband shows many signs of being a coercive covert narcissist - there is a lot online and on u tube about being in a relationship with a Narcissist - many a lot more extreme than you describe and what I went through, but still significant.

You need to start by talking to a solicitor. Your cant et half an hours free advice. I did it all on a zoom, I had a good recommendation from a neighbour.

The actual divorce and the finances are separate

but of course they do both have to be resolved at some point, sooner rather than later if you have to see the house and split it. You can move out and get the divorce and leave finances to later in theory but that leaves you open to possible claims in the future.

You need quick advice on finances. I kept the house in return for ex's future inheritance prospects but no savings, however my income is enough.

Its hard being on your own but I have a loving family and you do too.

bests xx

Confide in your children, he is clearly unbalancing your relationship with your children - that is not acceptable!
See a solicitor, why should you have to put up with his behavior !? Remind him that you will always be mother to your children but you don't have to remain his wife!!
You deserve better and so do your children, life is precious and short so do whatever is necessary to enjoy it .

I think you would be happier without him and so would your children

You really need to think about what you want going forward. We have one life and one chance to grab all the happy we can

Well said VS .

Do you have a GP you can discuss this with? Or a long-term family friend who could help you and has been aware of his behaviour deteriorating?
I am so sorry for you.
My DFiL in old age became unpredictable, making passes at women etc and embarrassing his DW and DC.
He became selfish and demanding but occasionally he would be his lovely old self.
Could your DH have dementia?

Would it help to see a counsellor, on your own, not with him?

You only have one life so not a good idea to waste any more of it. See a solicitor and get some advice re finances so you have a clear picture.

If possible ask around locally for a good divorcé solicitor who will have your best interest in mind.

Redsally, I doubt that you'll be able to change his behaviour - but you can always change yours. You could warn potential visitors, perhaps explain that he's 'unwell' these days.

If you want to meet family, maybe visit them alone or just arrange to go out without him. Perhaps you could send him elsewhere - maybe to a day centre or club?

My aunt put up with an embarrassing husband by arranging tasks for him when we visited - like digging the garden or cleaning windows - as he just couldn't manage socialising. Still, he swore like a trooper and obviously resented our presence.

Personally, I'd just have to get away from the situation - temporarily or permanently. Get the GP to contact him for his yearly check up and blood tests, though. They are used to men who won't go.

Thank you so much everyone, I’m taking all your comments and building some support for myself. I’m overwhelmed by how lovely you all are. I’ve done this so long it feels almost normal but I know I have to make the change or stay here sad forever and the clocks ticking! Thank you again I appreciate you all so much

I did get counseling help to be able to make the break.

Afterwards you gradually realize bit by bit how oppressive a ‘regime’ it was that you’d lived with and ‘adapted’ to. But it is easy to say and hard to do