DH’s friend made a pass at me, should I let it it go?

That isn’t what I would call a pass.

When I shared an allotment with my daughter some years ago we were always on the receiving end of ‘help and advice’ from the old boys, mainly harmless unless you disagreeing that spraying everything with poison is harmless. However, there was one, in his eighties who would appear every time we went and would always find an excuse to touch us inappropriately, usually by pretending to brush away an ‘insect’ from the front of our shirt or jumper, always on our breasts. We told him to keep his hands to himself and always declined his quite insistent invitations to have a look in his greenhouse. A lot of his remarks were very much beyond the pale and quite honestly he spoiled our enjoyment of working on our allotment. After a few years of it we complained to the committee and they wrote to him. He did reign back a bit but still made the odd remark. We had to resort to telling him to bugger off. Eventually he died and we were left in peace. By the wayI don’t believe he suffered with dementia, there were no other signs to suggest that. He was just a dirty old creep with no respect for women.

The onset of dementia means you loose your inhibitions doing and saying things you wouldn’t normally, the response is “don’t do that it’s rude” as you would a child.

Tibetan

Sparklefizz

sodapop

Seems like a minor incident in the light of reported behaviour from the Dalai Lama today. Allegedly asking a child to suck his tongue.

Yes, this was disgusting!!! Yuk!! I saw the photos online, and feel very disappointed in the Dalai Lama as I previously had a lot of respect for him.

This is a traditional greeting in Tibetam culture. It was a misunderstanding.

Maybe a sharp look with a very sharp ‘do you mind’ if he goes to touch you again.
I understand how you feel as I had a dirty minded stepfather I always had to stay one step ahead of who could never get the hint let alone when I told him outright he was intruding in my space plus an uncle who no matter what age always gave me a too tight and too long hug, urg I hated his touch and felt suffocated to the extent if I knew he was going to any family does or even funerals I would try to avoid them. Nobody should have to be touched by anyone unless invited. My own mother always said I had a ‘brick wall’ around me as far as affection goes but I only ever let people touch me if I don’t mind. A free for all grab by an old man is revolting, I would gat my DH to go in in front of me from now on, please don’t let this silly old man spoil your enjoyment.

Inappropriate sexual behaviour can be a sign of early dementia. Just a thought.

Lost sense of humour alert! The answer is to laugh. If it was a joke you laugh together, if it wasn’t he’ll be humiliated.

I used to belong to a group where one of the men was known to be "handsy" (the way it was described to me when I joined!). When he put his arm round me I fixed him with a hard cold stare and said very loudly "I'd like you to stop touching me now" - he never came near me again

Margomar: you let it go this time because you were quite uprepared for it to happen. If it happens again, ask him nicely to keep his hands to himself.

It was probably meant as a compliment, so treat it as such.

If he keeps on doing it you will need to be blunter.

Many years ago, at a party in the St. Andrew's Society in Copenhagen that is a club for Scots abroad and Danes who love Scotland, I heard my usually well mannered sister say so loudly the whole room heard her: "Will you tak' your haund aff ma erse!" (Will you take your hand off my arse!) She apologised to our father afterwards, saying she had already requested the man to move his hand twice, before falling back on Glaswegian.

Last summer I dealt with a couple of unwanted invitations to coffee from men in their seventies (my age-group) at the local dump where they and I were off-loading garden rubbish by saying, "Why don't you drop in at our place (address mentioned)? My husband will be pleased to meet you." Needless to say, they never availed themselves of my invitiation.

A little finesse goes a long way.

Hardly sexual surely! Let it go unless you want to risk the possibility of causing upset where it isn’t necessary - be different if it keeps happening .

Sparklefizz

The claim that the Dalai Lama was being "innocent and playful" makes me think of men who say something inappropriate and then declare that it's banter. It's an excuse which puts the onus back onto the person complaining.

Yes I agree.. it's very disturbing

My mum's partner of 15 years began doing this to younger women and other uninhibited things my mum wasn't at all keen on at 85! We were very concerned about his change of behaviour, and thought maybe he was starting with dementia, so had a word with his daughter. Her husband actually said "well you should forgive his little foibles, after all he hasn't raped you"!

Things became worse - in the end she wasn't sleeping, as he was up and down all night, doing heaven knows what, he stared playing 'mind games', such as hiding her rings and then finding them in a funny place and blaming it all on her etc. She then spotted him taking what looked like pills, and found an envelope in his car with kisses all over it addressed to him. Eventually she was so paranoid with no sleep, and so terrified of him that she went next door and her neighbour asked him to leave. Since she has come to live near me in the south, her neighbour keeps seeing him in the area, dressed as though he is trying to be incognito, staring at her old house. Had his daughter done the right thing and listened, and got him to the GP, she would have supported him, but it just became untenable. He was like my dad; my children saw him as their granddad - it was horrible, and we all miss the man that he was ... so sad.

The claim that the Dalai Lama was being "innocent and playful" makes me think of men who say something inappropriate and then declare that it's banter. It's an excuse which puts the onus back onto the person complaining.

Thanks pascal30 even the explanation sounds odd to me.

I don't think it necessary qualifies as "a pass", more inappropriate behaviour. However, passive acceptance on your part may be seen as a message that such behaviour is "ok", which I would guess is the exact opposite of what you feel. I think I'd just let it pass on this occasion, but if it happens again I'd let him know in no uncertain terms that it's not acceptable.

I'm afraid I'm a bit blunter than a lot of you. We have one in our village who gets up as close behind you and as he is small he sort of walks under your blossom. The last time he did it I just looked right down at him and told him to stop being a dirty old bugger and a pervert. His wife heard and hurriedly pulled him out of the coffee morning.
Why should age give them the right to do what they like to women? It's because they know we usually don't retaliate.

Startingover61

I’m also with Dickens and Ladyleftfieldlover. It’s high time men learned that we women aren’t objects to be pawed at whenever the fancy takes them. The more women stay quiet, the more men think such behaviour is acceptable. It isn’t.

Count me in the ‘call it out as it happens’ group. I’m reminded of something I read a while back about a bloke putting his hand on a lady’s thigh at a dinner party. She grabbed the offending hand, held it up and asked if anyone had lost a hand.

I wouldn’t necessarily tell DH, but I have in the past made it clear I object and I would have told the gent in question that I didn’t like being touched inappropriately.
If you don’t tell them, they never know they’ve done anything wrong. If it is the onset of dementia then I’m sorry, but I would still say “don’t do that”.

sodapop

I didn't see the response pascal30 what did they say ? It was indeed peculiar.

They said he was being innocent and playful.. it's most unfortunate and weird isn't it?

Yes I was disappointed as well Sparklefizz quite a shock coming from the Dalai Lama.

sodapop

Seems like a minor incident in the light of reported behaviour from the Dalai Lama today. Allegedly asking a child to suck his tongue.

Yes, this was disgusting!!! Yuk!! I saw the photos online, and feel very disappointed in the Dalai Lama as I previously had a lot of respect for him.

I didn't see the response pascal30 what did they say ? It was indeed peculiar.

If he had dug his fingers in me he would have felt my elbow (which is extremely boney) somewhere rather sensitive.

I’m also with Dickens and Ladyleftfieldlover. It’s high time men learned that we women aren’t objects to be pawed at whenever the fancy takes them. The more women stay quiet, the more men think such behaviour is acceptable. It isn’t.