Advice on not offending DH please .. . .

The problem with my DH is that he refuses to wear glasses so, to him, things probably look fine - drinking glasses, windows, carpets etc.

I have to confess that my cleaning doesn't look all that great when I put MY glasses on. Looks fine up until that point

My late husband had no idea how to use the washing machine and was slapdash at washing up so I preferred to do it myself. He was willing to share chores though - mopping the kitchen and bathroom floors was his job, as was cleaning the hob and oven. We both cooked so that was never an issue, he didn't see the point of dusting so that was my job. He always used to peel the potatoes as I was absolutely terrible at it - but I did the chopping as I am good at cutting evenly, he was not. Its just a case of finding the jobs that your husband can do fairly well, or at least well enough

I would suggest that the things that really annoy you when they are not done properly, you do yourself.

Hand jobs over to your husband that you can bear to live with are done to his standard not yours. And don't remark on the things he has done.

A wild guess here: has he recently retired, and has he never done any housework in the years you have been married?

If this is the case, his offer to help is probably an indication of him being bored, or at a loss to know what to do with himself now he is at home all day. You solve this best by discussing with him what you both want to use your retirement doing.

If he has never done housework, you cannot expect him to know how to do it, so show him how you want it done.

An answer such as I can't get my hand into the glass to dry it without breaking it is perfectly true. This is not the way any of us dry narrow glasses, we roll up part of the tea-towel and insert it, so offer to show him how you learned to dry wine-glasses!

My late DH grew up in a messy household and when he started doing the cooking it was a nightmare clearing up afterwards. But he did improve and it was a joy being cooked for quite often.
Hang in there, Maturefloosy, he will probably improve too.

GagaJo

I would suggest it's deliberate aka waponised incompetence. The way individuals are able to appear to be contributing but actually don't.

It's often a gendered thing, but in my case, it's my DD who uses it.

This...
However, if you accept someone's help, not accepting that they will do it their way is a quick route to madness

Maturefloosy I’ve got one of those at home too. I’m afraid your on a good hiding to nothing as my mother used to say.

Fleurpepper I don't see it as silly games, I see it as good communication.

My husband parents, he doesn't watch the kids while I go out. He doesn't hoover for me, he hoovers. If the washing up and the hoovering need doing and I don't care which do I'll ask him which he would rather do.

I'm better at DIY so I tend to do those tasks... being in a relationship is often about playing to strengths... that's the point

We seem to have quietly slipped into his and hers chores, I cook (because I like cooking) and he does everything else eg dishwasher, laying table etc. He does all the washing including hanging out (I'd just stick it in the tumble drier) and he does his own ironing. He always brings me tea in the morning and makes sure the kitchen is clean and tidy before I come down. I shop for food in shops, he does the internet shopping for food. I do not allow him to accompany me with a trolley because he tends to say "do we need that?" which totally spoils shopping. I do things like clean out the fridge, microwave etc. Does he do everything perfectly? No but neither do I so I just quietly deals with anything that needs further attention and I guess he does the same with me and I'm very grateful that he takes responsibility for things without having to be asked.

We only came very close to breaking up- about 45 years ago. We were broke and I was doing everything I could to save every penny. And he went and bought a very expensive new lense for his camera. I hit the roof (and I can assure you I rarely do)- and his reply was 'but we have just bought YOU a washing machine!!! (I used to go to launderette and do most of the washing by hand, including nappies in the bath!). I went berzerk and walked out and left him to it for a few hours.

I would be grateful that he is willing to do things and stop pointing out that a task he's done is not very good - one day he may not be there to do these things at all. How I wish my husband was here to leave the knife stuck in the butter and not wipe down the sink and worktops after washing up.

pipsaucer

What's all DH etc mean please?

darling husband - OH other half.

VioletSky

Play to his strengths and ask him to do things he does do well

Tasks like hoovering, you can't hoover and achieve nothing so take it in turns

Tasks he doesn't notice... "can you do some weeding please"

Give him choices "would you rather A or B?"

But why should we have to play those silly games !?!

Gaga has got it right, I am sure 'I would suggest it's deliberate aka waponised incompetence. The way individuals are able to appear to be contributing but actually don't.

It's often a gendered thing,'

My DH is a good man, and will do his own ironing, and cook occasionally. He will help with tasks, and not do them very well... but honestly, why can't they see it needs to be done. Why do I have to ask 'could you hoover the lounge please' ... and then he will say 'I've hooevered the lounge FOR YOU' as if he has done me a huge favour? etc. Hey, I am lucky, I know- but I do wish he would notice when something needs to be done and do it, even if not perfectly- rather than wait for me to ask ?!?!?!

I agree if he lives there it’s his responsibility to share household chores. I also agree you suggest the jobs he’s does best therefore avoiding sulky behaviour later.

What's all DH etc mean please?

When we were both working I did the weekend grocery shopping whilst DH did other jobs at home. But since we've retired DH likes to come to the supermarket with me. He rearranges the trolley every time I add something. I turn round and him and the trolley, which he insists on pushing, are gone - he's in the next lane. He moves backwards with trolley and forgets people are behind him. As I'm packing he moves stuff from one bag to another, not realising there's method in my packing. He drives me mad sometimes. But I tolerate it. Its only once a week!

Good grief, why are so many of you calling it 'helping'? Are all those chores yours by default? Surely as he shares the premises, he should share the work. The more he does, maybe the better he'll get. If I were you, I'd drop my standards a bit and find something more interesting to do than housework and cooking!

Like the suggestion of getting a dishwasher!

I can't see why he 'offers to help ' as it's as much his responsibility as yours if he lives there. Perhaps he's not as particular as you, which must be very annoying as a job worth doing is worth doing well, as you say. No idea what you can do if he always half-arses chores 😕

Thankyou for all your very wise suggestions - - I will learn from them all.

Get a Dishwasher! Apparently, according to my relatives and friends who still have a male DH or partner, the filling or emptying of such machines can only be accomplished successfully by a male person i.e. it is Men's work. Strangely the operating of a clothes washing machine is Women's work which is quite beyond men's abilities. Similarly, a high tech, fancy lawnmower requires a male brain, while women can only be trusted with a simple one. Same goes for a fancy coffee maker, or robot vacuum.

It is Toys for the Boys!

Take on means you take on… not very clear, sorry.

Maybe ask him to do the things that he is fairly good at and take on the things that you have set standards for.

When each of us is cooking the other stays out of the kitchen. My DH has a tendency to rearrange my cooking and it can make me very cross so this is how we avoid it. When he lapses I remind him that he can only do it to me if I can do it to him. He would hate it so he stops!

I would find some tasks that don't require perfection and allocate those to him.
But I don't think it matters too much about things like leaving a bit of skin on the potatoes. Clean glasses is different.
We don't always have the same way of doing jobs but unless it's really important we just agree, when I do it I do it my way, when you do it it's your way.

Play to his strengths and ask him to do things he does do well

Tasks like hoovering, you can't hoover and achieve nothing so take it in turns

Tasks he doesn't notice... "can you do some weeding please"

Give him choices "would you rather A or B?"

I think we have all got it wrong by reaching a Situation where our partners are expecting or expected to Help. Running a home ought to be a shared task, surely?
Probably we ladies have taken on more than our fair share for a variety of reasons, some good, some less so, but when we are both retired it is time to reassess. DH and I tend to each do what we are good at, and try to accept the other’s limitations, but I could have written the OP re potatoes and washing up. I know I am not going to get any offers of help with cleaning as he doesn’t seem to believe in it especially dusting. On the other hand I won’t do any gardening, or maybe a maximum of 20 minutes once a blue moon.
I also get quite uptight about the situation sometimes, but since DH’s heart attack I have to do almost everything, so any contributions DH can make are welcome.