Advice on not offending DH please .. . .

hermother - oh thats a brilliant idea! - win win all round!

Allsorts - that sounds like a good idea - make it into a joke situation - maybe that would stop him getting offended and bitey.!
A sticker chart on the wall - - sure to induce a row!
I guess i will just have to learn to live with it - - and ignore . . unless very important! Is this a main difference between men and women that I missed living alone for years then?

My D H has used the same tactic for 30 years. He does a job, always with bad grace, and then makes an absolute hash of it. Washing dishes but leaving the backs of plates smeared with food, cleaning the shower but leaving the shower gel bottle dripping gel down the glass and tiles.... every job done, but done very badly. For a while I stopped asking him to do any household jobs because I ended up doing it all again anyway. But then a friend pointed out that I was playing into his hands and he was using passive aggression to get what he wanted i.e to be left alone and not be bothered to share the responsibility for running our home. She was right. So I hired a cleaner to come every week for 3 hours! He doesn't like that either and says we can't afford it but I refuse to shoulder all the responsibility of cleaning the home so, he has to either suck it up, or pitch in and do the jobs properly. So far he's sucking it up!

Start giving him gold stars if he does well.

I have a similar problem in so far as my OH is very slow when prepping vegetables and not great at washing up but, in the great scheme of things I just let it go.........he offers to help which is far more than my bone idle ex ever did and I have now decided to not sweat the small stuff - as long as neither of us gets food poisoning what does it matter. None of us are perfect, and I know I have faults too; just be kind to one another and turn a blind eye.

Oh maturefloosy I have this problem. We’re both retired now and DH likes to help. Exactly the same problem as you he only does half a job where as I am a perfectionist. When he first started helping, he was terrible ! We had many a row about the tide mark still on the bath, the fingerprints still on the windows etc etc.
But I have to say he is a lot better now. Because I’ve given him specific jobs, he does the bathrooms, the vacuuming, the car and garden he seems to have perfected them. He’s still not as good as me but it’ll do.

My husband is not a great cook, nor does he do things to the high standards, I would like. However, he is trying his best to support me, because ill health means I can no longer do the heavier tasks.
I am thankful that he cares enough about me to do that. I just bite my tongue, most of the time. for I wouldn't want to hurt him.

When we were first married, I did everything, including laying out his clothes.
He was the eldest of eight children and his mother wouldn't allow him to lift a finger. He soon learned!

As others have said, pick your battles.

cheeseplantmad I lived alone for 18 years before I met DH so I am sure I am just set in my way of doing things - |I am not a perfectionist by any means - and I do know how lucky I am to have someone to live with after all those years alone - - - - so - It seems I just have to get used to someone else's levels of ok - not feel irritated and learn to accept them most of the time . . . and only mention it when it matters - like burning the food!

My late partner was a perfectionist in just about everything , whereas suppose I’m more like your DH . My late partner would often criticise me , like when I cook a meal he would tell me off because he would say I'm a messy cook ! His criticism would hurt me a lot because I were only trying to help and do my best . We are all different , we all do things differently , so I would say to relax and just let it go over your head rather than cause bad feelings , you are so lucky to have such a helpful husband as many are not , also it’s very hard being on your own having to do everything yourself .

he probably finds it just as difficult living with a perfectionist..Does it really matter? If youlive quite comfortably together then you are blessed.. Just enjoy him..

I think you are right Hithere - pick my battles and only mention the very important ones - I think I have been doing that already. I change the bed when he is walking the dog as it takes hours with him helping - fumbling to get it on the right way up - usually upside down and button up out of line so I undo them all and start again . He always says on return - I would have done that for you! - I just smile . He does, however make a very good G and T - so not all bad!

It could be that he may improve the more he does it also

Your husband does offer help - in a positive way "I want to help" or negative "leave me alone as I don't want to help but I pretend to"?

"Doing it well " is a dangerous term as it may apply to your standards, which are different from anybody else's

Who says whose standards apply? That's a minefield

Top of my head, I can see two things happening here
1. It is learned helplessness and he does nothing from now on - would you be ok with it?
2. He stops asking as he tries his best but he feels it is not good enough for you - that is a bad feeling to hold

What would happen if you are unable to do house chores and he is in charge?

This is a pick your battles situation, I think

If you want a peaceful life I’d just let him carry on as he is. It’s not the end of the world if a jobs not perfectly done. I know it’s frustrating as I used to tidy up after jobs DH had done but if he were still with me I’d just suck it up to have him back.

I would suggest it's deliberate aka waponised incompetence. The way individuals are able to appear to be contributing but actually don't.

It's often a gendered thing, but in my case, it's my DD who uses it.